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Original poster

should a 49 year old man live with his 79 year old mother

57 replies

alypaly · 31/07/2009 01:44

He has never lived on his own and doesnt want to.
He does everything for his mum as she is virtually housebound.Is this weird or wat.

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Original poster
alypaly · 31/07/2009 11:34

FabBakerGirlIsBack

How about show willing and a bit of kindness and offer to help them clean up?

ALREADY HAVE and cook for her so she gets a healthy diet

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Katisha · 31/07/2009 11:36

OK how about an ultimatum - either the clutter goes or I do?
Chronic hoarders can't let go of the crap - was just wondering if you could actually just charge in with a load of bin bags and start doing it. What the council said would give you a good reason...

FAQtothefuture · 31/07/2009 11:38

god help them in the care home if you think the only reason for a 79yr old not to want to go out or tidy the house is lazyness..........

Katisha · 31/07/2009 11:41

They have got into an awful downward spiral of helplessness haven't they. They can't change it themselves. They will cary on like this for ever living in squalor and even the council can't help.
Awful.

Original poster
alypaly · 31/07/2009 11:46

EyeballsintheSky
housebound when it suits...she is happy to go out if there is an event to go to....as long as she is taken there.....comes to me for xmas and birthdays....
Positive things...he thinks the world of me and the boys and has made sure we have been ok for the last 13 years, brilliant handyman..brilliant sportsman..and that the only thing he ever wants to go out of the house for...never wants to go for a drink or meal....he hates socialising(posible a chip off his mums block.

Katisha
how can i go in and throw a persons persnal things away to help before the council comes in when certain things maybe important to her?

Maybe i have been stuck in a rut for the last 13 years as i have ben a single mum for time...maybe i was grasping at company but not a live in one....life is too short...the boys and i want to get out and do things as a @family unit....not too mich to ask eh!

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EyeballsintheSky · 31/07/2009 11:46

Just read your later message and I agree with Lady Glencora. It sounds like he is as bad as she is and you're probably doubly wasting your time. If you've tried to help and cook for them then there really doesn't sound like there's much else you can do.

Original poster
alypaly · 31/07/2009 11:48

no i know about aggoraphobia and fear of going out,old age...mental disorders ..have worked with it all my life so dont go down the lecture route

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Katisha · 31/07/2009 11:49

You don't have to throw out inportant stuff but surely stuff like the 20 pairs of shoes in the living room and the tottering piles of magazines can go. And the grime can go?

Original poster
alypaly · 31/07/2009 11:50

LadyGlencoraPalliser
I have said the same thing to him that he shud clear it out but he says she likes all her clutter within an arms length of the tv.
seriously there is no where to sit down with all his and her clutter.
I agree it as much his responsibility as hers but he has a similar attitude and says he works hard all day and is always tired......oooooaargh

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FAQtothefuture · 31/07/2009 11:50

well you don't sound very sympathetic or knowledgeable about it.

LadyOfWaffle · 31/07/2009 11:51

If you don't want to live with him, I don't think you can expect him to live alone if he has a 'home' already. He is equally, if not more so being an able bodied man, responsible for the state of the home. Is you moving in with the children an option?

LadyOfWaffle · 31/07/2009 11:54

can he book some time off to sort it out? Put some storage near the TV/chair for his mum so alot can be stored neatly? Alot of the 'problems' like wanting to go out as a family unit, wanting him to organise things won't change if he moves out. He will still be the same person. I can imagine it can't be nice... do you ever stay there?

Katisha · 31/07/2009 11:55

So they will just sit there in their mess and let the house deteriorate further as the council wont be able to get in and do the improvements.
I dont know why I am getting so het up about this, except that actually I have seen cases of this where the hoarder is mentally incapable of getting rid of the junk and so continues to live some sort of helpless half-life among the crap.
I repeat - it can be cluttered but it doesn't have to be grimy.
Anyway - no-one is going to do it for them. You are probably the only one that could have a final go at this - and i think the only way would be to take control and start putting stuff away - why does she need 20 pairs of shoes next to the TV? And recycles the old mags. And clean the bathroom and kitchen.

And if you don't feel you can do that - well i would leave them to it and call it a day frankly.

EyeballsintheSky · 31/07/2009 11:56

No one is lecturing. We only know what you tell us, we're not psychic.

Original poster
alypaly · 31/07/2009 11:56

EyeballsintheSky
Thankyou ,i did think your earlier message was a bit unkind ,but i have done everything i can for these two over the years. All i would like is to be taken, just once in a while, out of my own house by my bloke for a little bit of socialising and friends to talk to.
I just ebd up doing things on my own with my lads and it would be nice to have a ather figure around to do things like going ten pin bowling,,chill factor e for a couple of hours. All he does when he comes round is watch tv and sleep.
I am really fond of him and he is a good person but I dont want him to come ad libve with me..it wud just be nice if he had his own place and maybe he would have a higher self esteem.

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Original poster
alypaly · 31/07/2009 11:57

that was meant to say come and live...not the gobble de gook i typed

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Original poster
alypaly · 31/07/2009 12:05

FAQtothefuture
why would i want to spend 5 years( think i have had a fair bit of experience) goin to my mothers care home every day to feed her, clean her soiled skin, change her dressings, prevent her from falling again as the people that supposedly know how ,let her fall and break her hip.Fought with the authorities to get her put in a better home, had meetings with all social services bosses. So dont say i am not sympathetic. ! nearly a year at my own home and five years of travelling daily to see her has given me buckets of experience and empathy, sympathy and major understanding as there wre elderly people with alsorts of ailments around her and i had all the time in the world to help her and the others on her unit as the staff didnt have the time or ' resources'
She was always dehydrated in the care of those that supposedly know how and her drink was sat just out of her reach on her bedside cabinet so she was always thirsty when i arrived

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Original poster
alypaly · 31/07/2009 12:09

LadyOfWaffle
No i have never stayed there. it is a 2 bedroomed house and his room is just as cluterred.I have been round with my boys to visit but we end up perched on the arm of a setee to have a cuppa and obviously it is not comfortable to sit in. I know we are goin to see her and not her house but it is honestly too dirty to feel comfortable in.

When we do go on a holiday that i arrange he is tidy in our hotel bedroom..i dont understand it

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Original poster
alypaly · 31/07/2009 12:13

LadyOfWaffle
thanks for the input.
But no i dont want to move in with him and that has never been an option.I have a home which is solely my own and my boys so i am not desperate to move in with anyone as it fully paid for(No mortgage) so i am not after a sugar daddy or bill payer just a partner that wants to do things.

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EyeballsintheSky · 31/07/2009 12:19

And I forgot to say no, it doesn't sound like much to ask from your point of view. Very tough one and I can see that, even if they would let you help, you don't want to be a carer again. So do you think he is just stuck in a rut? Does he give any sign that he wants things to be different?

Original poster
alypaly · 31/07/2009 12:25

NEyeballsintheSky....maybe he is depressed and doesnt know it or maybe it manifestsitself in him wanting to sleep all time

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Katisha · 31/07/2009 12:30

Sounds there may be pointers to depression there - sleeping, hoarding (sorry)...He certainly isn't taking any active responsibility for his life is he?

Original poster
alypaly · 31/07/2009 12:31

EyeballsintheSky
sorry if my OP didnt give enuf detail but its sometimes hard to know how much detail to give initially and i didnt know how it wud take off

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Original poster
alypaly · 31/07/2009 12:35

EyeballsintheSky
funny tho...he can organise anything to do with the badminton club....(of which we are both members) but absolutely nothing else.
He does work hard but so do I and i still have lots of energy and i am not that young (53)

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Original poster
alypaly · 31/07/2009 12:36

Badminton is the only thing we actually do together...but that only takes up 3 hours a week...

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