Abortion I need help urgent with your stories etc of regret

[babyalfie]

Hi there this is very lengthly but my daughter is 16 and pregnant. She is very mature and an a star student who hope to do her albvles in september.

She told me 10 days ago and her bofreind of 18 was standing by her. They have had councelling after counselling and my daughter has always been 100% she wants to keep the baby. I am a stay at home mum with baby of my own and i can take na extra year off my careeer break if neede to look after and care for my grandchild alongside the baby I have. The housing situtaion is good as we have big house etc and it would have love etc. i want ehr to live a normallife as she can. She loves babies and knows from having two little brothers how hard they are. she is very very mature and she has booked in with the midwife etc as she is 14 weeks now.

However things over the weknd have turned bad. Her boyfreind has decided to tell his parents( live seperate) and tey wanted ameeting- he has told them he is too young and does not want it. The father has also rung my ex husband and told him when i was goin to tell him today anyway as my eldest daughter has gone away and thought would do while quiet etc.. he is threatening her as is the mother that abortion is the only option and that she is far too young etc and it cannot work. He has also told his son it will tie him down and he will have to pay for the baby and have the csa around his neck for 18 years... it is terrible.

I have not encouraged her either way byt she has to make her decsion and i need you to help me if there is anybody that has gone through this etc and if tey have made the correct decision or the wrong decision and regret. She is 14 weeks and we have all been to scan and this morning she left the pic of it on her bed for me to see. I love her and all i wnat to do is protect her.

her father is also saying she is too young which i fully agree but i know this will kill her as for 2 yeears prior to this she has had an eating disorder and she is also diabetic and for the past 10 das her blood sugars have been amazing and she is not tempted by sweets or anything what so ever.

II feel for her and when she came home from walking last night(she said she had been on moors thinking ) she was going to have a termination but honestly I know this is not her and she wants the baby deep down and she will have all the help i can give her both finacially and mentally.

her elder sister is going to uni in september and even her when she found she said she should gte rid etc ruining her life but last night she burst into tears saying she is making the wrong decision for the wrong reason... please help me to help her although she is the only one to decide... i will get her to read these stories when she is home shortly.

thanks so much

I think you are being a fantastic mum.

It might help her a little bit if you told her neither option had to be a big tragedy? Sometimes the drama of it overtakes, and the reality of either option is forgotten. If she has the baby you will all cope. If she doesn't, that's fine too, a choice she is entitled to make.

Does that make sense?

Sorry that you and your DD are going through this tough time babyalfie.

I'm not sure if stories from other people would be any help, as what is important is what your DD wants to do, IMO it's a very personal thing relevant to her own feelings and situation.

You may feel she's being pushed into it, but you can't push her out of it either really, just listen to her, don't judge her, and promise to support her whatever her decision.

There should be very helpful counsellors at abortion clinics who should talk your daughter through every option and make sure her final decision is the one she wants.

Good luck to your DD, whatever she decides.

MI

I'm not sure that in the long term you would be doing her any favours by agreeing to look after her child. It is her responsibility and while of course you want to help as much as you can, the reality is just not like that. I also think you don't sound as impartial as you have said- it is obvious to me reading through that you want her to keep the baby. Does she really understand the responsibility, and the effect that it will have on her life? She can still go to uni (I had my dd while I was at uni and it was fine). The father sounds like a waste of space, and I do think it's worth considering that as a factor. I think she needs some good, truly impartial counselling.

Aw I'm so sorry, it is so horrible when people paint teenage pregnancy as being "the end of your life" etc. It's utter nonsense. And your DD obviously has a supportive mum, which is fantastic.

FWIW one of my best friends had a baby when she was 16 - her mum helped her out and with her mum's help she went onto to college and university (she stayed at home and went to lectures by train). She got a first class degree. She has a lovely DD who is now a teenager and is the most lovely, brilliant young woman. All this "end of your life" talk is rubbish, especially with a supportive mum like you.

Why not work through each of your DD's worries and write them down, and talk through possible solutions to each of them? Once broken down into manageable 'chunks', this sort of life-changing event can seem much less daunting.

Much love to you and your DD. XXX

I agree with WWM, you are a wonderful support for your daughter.

Heaven knows what she is going through at the moment, its completely understandable for her to be thinking one thing one minute then the opposite 10 minutes later.

Obviously time is ticking on ... but these decisions should never be rushed into. Thats when regret happens.

She's not the first girl this has happened to and she wont be the last sadly.

Either way, I wish you both luck with your decision.

I was going to write almost exactly what Morningpaper wrote. There are plenty of examples of teenage pregnancy having a happy ending, I think.

Just to add to my post, from your thread title, are you are telling your dd that she will regret an abortion?

I don't actually think reading other peoples stories will help her and by asking for stories of regret and not ones where there is no regret as well, your DD might think you are trying to influence her.

I think the only person who is going to influence her is her boyfriend. Seems like he is being bullied into a termination by his parents but in this situation I think your DD has to have the final say.

You need to show you will support her but the baby will ultimately be her responsibility.

My cousins daughter was pg at 14, she was just 15 when she had her Ds...she didn't have a choice as such as she was 7 months pg when she found out(yes, I know!)she has until very recently lived with her parents. She finished school and did really well. The father didn't want to know and as I understand it, he was very much older than her.

I think you can have it all, you just have to adjust things and do things slightly differently.

Whichever decision your Dd makes, she has to live with and deal with the consequenses of it. On one hand the hard work, sleepless nights etc etc. On the other hand, there may be life long guilt and regret and you can't go back and change things once they're done.

Hope it all works out well.

Well said FBG

Agree with worldsworstmummy that the drama can sometimes take over. My little sister fell pregnant at 15 just before Christmas and at the time it was devastating for everyone involved, loads of talking, etc etc. She eventually just said to everyone, "leave me alone" and we did and she made her decision (to terminate) and that was pretty much it.

She had the procedure, we supported her and rallied round her but she bounced back very quickly. Having spoken to her about it recently she is 100% happy with her decision. I think it helps that she has had a fab six months, lots of her friends have had big birthday bashes and she has her GCSE's at the moment and prom in a few weeks and is looking forward to college, learning to drive etc. It's given her perspective.

You can't do more than just support her whatever decision she makes. Try not to let your own personal opinions influence her. Probably would have been best if she hadn't had a scan as she has now seen the baby and it will make it more real, if she does chose to have a termination it will be a difficult procedure now too.

Hope it all works out.

I think your DD needs to talk to someone impartial. You are being a fantastic support and she is really lucky to have you but I would suggest that she talks to a counsellor before she makes any decision about this.

like worldsworstmummy said, neither has to be a tragedy. both options are fine, and only she can make the decision.

you do not sound impartial tbh - it sounds as though you really want her to have the baby.

ultimately she has to make up her own mind, and as long as she does this without pressure either way, then it will be fine.

i had an abortion in similar circumstances, and can honestly say i have never regretted it. i now have three children and a happy marriage, as well as my degrees, and spent 6 years working all around the world.

neither decision is easy. i made the best decision for me, and your daughter (not you) must make the best decision for her. obviously with your support that both decisions will be fine.

either way can work out - i'm not advocating one choice over another - every individual case is completely different.

very difficult for both of you x

some links here that may be useful

marie stopes

bpas

care confidential

Reading your OP, two things strike me.

Your DD is lucky to have a wonderful, caring and supportive mother.

You want her to keep the baby. Or you believe that it what she wants. Perhaps a bit of both.

Listening to other peoples' stories of regret or non-regret will not help her. It is her decision to make free from outside influence.

I am sure that you will be a brilliant support for her, no matter what she decides to do. Good luck to her.

Quite right MP re "end of your life" rubbish.

Infact there can actually be more complicated baggage to deal with later, if you do have a termination, rather than having your baby. My sister is a councilor for women post abortion. I know this is not true for everyone (or maybe there is a tiny "what if..?"), but there does seem to be a lot of unexpected grief, feelings of loss, regret, and anger.

I don't think anyone's regretted having their baby, but there are thousands that have regretted not. This impacts their lives from that point onwards.

And you know what, say it was a disaster for whatever reason, well there are other options you could consider later on, like adoption..

I actually think reading other peoples experiences will confuse her even more.

I would let her know you are there for her but really, leave her be.

Has she finished with the boyfriend? I am wondering if he will make her choose.

'I don't think anyone's regretted having their baby, but there are thousands that have regretted not. This impacts their lives from that point onwards.'
I think you have a very blinkered view there ohbaby. There are plenty of women who have regretted having a baby, it's just not a very socially acceptable thing to say. Especially younger parents I would think

I can see that it must be very difficult for you to be impartial, esp. given that you have just had a baby - but I think you need to take a step back - you are trying to persuade her that she wants it asking for stories of people rergretting terminations.

It's not your baby it's hers. She would and should be the one looking after it not you. Making the right decision FOR HER will not kill her. Making the wrong one, whether that's keeping it or having an abortion, may well do.

I suggest she has counselling on her own, without you there and without the bf there.

I had a termination at 17. I can't say it was the best decision of my life, but it definitely wasn't the worst. I had a lot of regrets, but the regrets were that I'd got into that situation, and that my family circumstances at the time were such that it was the best decision (FWIW my parents were supportive of whatever choice I made, but there was other stuff going on - I wasn't in a good place, emotionally)

She has to decide what she wants to do, it's harsh on the BF but when it comes to the final decision it's up to her, not him and definitely not his family.

I agree, she needs to talk to someone unrelated asap - 14 weeks is quite late iirc. She needs to know what would be involved medically.

ohbaby - I think seeing adoption as teh easier way than abortion is a little naive. I'm all for adoption but it can also leave a lifelong scar on both mother and child alike.

From the OP, I don't really think that adoption is an option anyway.

I wouldn't show her this thread - Like FBG said, it will probably only cofuse her more. maybe get her to write down a for and against list for both would be good and get her to see which one will be easier for her to cope with. There's no wrong or right answer here, only a difficult decision which will always bring up "what if's" in the future.

Just be there for her.
love to you all.

[ohbaby - my mother regretted having me. And I have spent the last 17yrs of my life knowing this & the time between the ages of 12 - 18 suspecting it to be the case. It has wrecked our relationship. We haven't spoken since she told me. So yes, woman can & certainly DO regret having children]

OP, there is no right or wrong decision here, only your daugher's decision.

I know time is of the essence here, but she needs a little time to herself, away form any outside influence to choose. All you need do is tell her that you support her choice.

I am sorry to say that your feelings really do not come in it, or rather...what you feel shouldn't be allowed to interfere with her choice.

Yes, adoption is a possiblity which I would say she needs to be aware of - and that isn;t necessarily any more traumatic or worse to live with than a termination or unplanned parenthood, everyone copes in different ways.

Tell your DD that every woman makes the right decision for herself and her circumstances and that you have faith in her to make the decision for herself. And mean it. Your feelings are not the issue here.