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Original poster

feel so ashamed

64 replies

uselessmummy · 03/05/2005 21:18

to say this but lately I just dont like my baby at the moment although I love him with all my heart.

I feel sick to see the words typing out in front of me.

Nothing I do seems to make my boy happy (he is 13mths old) I take him to classes and to activities and he just whines and moans and clings to me. If we are alone at home he does the same. If I take him for a nice walk, he does the same. I feel like my life is impossible at the moment. All of the other 'mums' that I made friends with have made it clear they are not interested, one girl even said that my ds makes her stressed so much she can't cope with his bawling, as she put it. Why can't I have a chille dout content baby like they all seem to?

I can't shop(groceries, which for a while was my most exciting thing to do) can't visit friends with him as he cries so loudly he upsets everyone.It's a daily occurance to have people tut and whisper things like...aaaah poor thing, pick him up etc, it just is so tiring and stressful.

I saw a group of mothers today having a picnic and chatting with each other while their babies crawled around and there was me with my ds screaming until we got home.

I always dreamed of the day I could have my own baby and sing to him,soothe him, play with him, learn with him, instead I just feel like he gives me nothing in return. I have to keep happy and not let the way I'm feeling show but after 10 months of this I feel like I am going to crack.

What on earth is wrong with me?

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Original poster
uselessmummy · 03/05/2005 22:01

thanks. Crikey, can't believe it's come to this.

Me moaning to complete strangers, and them making me feel so much better..and not a useless mum

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aloha · 03/05/2005 22:01

Do whatever it takes! If he likes quiet, cuddles and Old Macdonald then you might have to resign yourself to that until he's a bit older and can tell you what he wants. As others say, he may improve once he can walk. Poor you!

Katemum · 03/05/2005 22:03

Thats what we do best
There are some very helpful people here. Have a visit to your gp, see if you can find a reason for his upset and don't forget that there is always plenty of advice and support to be had here whenever you need it.

Original poster
uselessmummy · 03/05/2005 22:05

I think I just have a bit of a hard time hearing other people describing him as a lovely content baby when he isn't with me. I think that's where my recent doubt has grown.

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aloha · 03/05/2005 22:07

Maybe you are extremely sensitive to his behaviour - more so than other people?

moondog · 03/05/2005 22:10

um...my dd was very very difficult. What you are describing is exactly my experience. I think some babies are,as your HV say,high maintenance. He will grow out of it. my dd is delightful now (well always was, but is now happy iyswim!!)

Incidentally, my ds (10 mths) is the complete opposite-the happiest,sweetest,jolliest little person in the world! I have to pinch myself sometimes as the whole mothering experience is a pleasure this time, unlike the last time.

It will get better,promise!!

XXX

Original poster
uselessmummy · 03/05/2005 22:13

It;s not like that Aloha.

He cries with me alot, when he is at the creche he neither cries or needs to be played with. He plays independently by himsefl.

I can't remember him doing that at home or at a Mother and Toddler group.

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billiejo · 03/05/2005 22:17

can't call you by your board name......because it doesn't seem right . You sound just like me, it's spooky, my little boy is just about to reach 16 mnths an was like this from around 10 months to about three weeks ago....hates the car seat, hates the buggy, hates the tesco trolley, hates his high chair and then he started waliking and BINGO!!!!!! all the constant (and i mean constant) whining just decreased by about 70% . I can't believe it, we spent a WHOLE weekend in different parks with friends having picnics and he was just a dream!!!! I REALLY REALLY never thought he would change, but, wham, there you go, i think it was all mad frustration. hang on in there love.

Billiejo.xx

Original poster
uselessmummy · 03/05/2005 22:18

moondog, can I ask. When did your DD change?

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Original poster
uselessmummy · 03/05/2005 22:22

BillieJo
Thanks so much for that post. It's actually mad but I feel quite excited after reading it!??

Maybe I just have to ride it out for a bit??

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marthamoo · 03/05/2005 22:24

Have read this thread and really feel for you, you poor thing. My ds1 was a very clingy child who wouldn't leave me alone when we were out (would cry and refuse to play if any other children were nearby) and I found that very stressful but at least he was OK when it was just him and me.

Wild stab in the dark here but I know of a baby boy (grandson of my Mum's friend) who was a very irritable baby - cried almost constantly, drove his parents to distraction and was generally a very unhappy child. In desperation they saw a Cranial Osteopath (is that the right thing? Help me out here, MNers) and he had a course of head manipulation. The practitioner said his skull plates were aligned badly (probably from his birth) and he was in constant discomfort. He had the therapy and was a different child. I think he was about 10-11 months. Worth a mention and hopefully someone else would know how you could find a Cranial Osteopath if you think it's worth a try?

billiejo · 03/05/2005 22:26

honestly, i can't reiterate enough everything ive just said, he's like a different little boy. He was so hard and i felt exactly the same ... i just wasn't enjoying being his mum and was so envious of everybody else's "little angels" .

it WILL change. xx

Katemum · 03/05/2005 22:27

You will have to change your screen name you know
Sounds like, maybe, you could also do with seeking out some rl friends who are a little more supportive. I think I would really try and help any mum I saw struggling with the day to day stuff rather than say I couldn't cope with spending time with their child. No wonder you were down.

hunkermunker · 03/05/2005 22:31

Sweetheart, I really feel for you. Especially with useless "friends" like the person you describe

DS is 13mo today and has days when he's whingey (usually when he's tired, hungry, or a couple of times recently when he's been ill - he's had an ear infection and a UTI).

When you say the GP has checked him over, has he looked in his ears and tested his wee, for instance? How thorough was he?

I'm in west London, so if you're anywhere near me, let me know and we'll meet up with our boys

aloha · 03/05/2005 22:32

Yes, DEFINITELY change your screen name!

moondog · 03/05/2005 22:54

um,I think things got decidedly jollier when she was about 21/2....

moondog · 03/05/2005 22:55

Agree with marthamoo. Definitely try cranial osteopathy.

SofiaAmes · 04/05/2005 02:05

My dd was a bit like that. She is now 2.5 and has more or less outgrown it. I've now realized that it's mostly just personality. She started speaking in full sentences at 12 months and as her speech got better and better and she could tell me exactly what she wanted, then her whining and moaning decreased. I've realized that she isn't spoiled, she's just precise. If she wants 4 spears of asparagus and I give her 3 or 5, she will insist on my correcting my mistake. I think that when she was younger she was just so frustrated because she couldn't tell me exactly what she wanted and I wasn't getting it right enough of the time. (My dh has decided that she's just like me!)
All of this is to say that your son will improve as his language and motor skills improve and please believe that there is nothing wrong with you. Try to get as much of a break as often as possible so that you survive this phase. (I went back to work part time when my dd was 3 months just to get out of the house).

ghosty · 04/05/2005 02:55

Again I can't call you by your screen name ...
My DS was a very clingy, whiney baby ... and I have the odd theory as to why ...
I had pretty bad PND and struggled to bond with him. He had health issues as a tiny baby that were easily fixed but that made my PND worse ... I used to try to push him away ... would think of any excuse not to be with him because he drained me so much ... I think that made it worse for both of us in the long run. He sensed it and became more and more clingy ... and I got more and more distant ... it was an awful vicious circle. At nursery he was angelic, with other people he was angelic, with us he was awful.
Things got better when he could a) walk ... and b) TALK ... I have a theory that DS wanted to talk at a very early age and the only way he could communicate was to cry and whinge. As soon as he could talk he chilled out because he could ask for things and verbalise his wants.
Also, around this time, I got better from PND ... the bonding with him completed and we both felt more 'at one' with eachother.

My DS is still a 'needy' and emotional child ... he is 5 ... and it is only now that I am making sense of what he was like as a baby ... that basically he was born with a personality that didn't fit with the 'contented' baby thing. ...

One of the things that really worked with him as an older baby and toddler was what I have since seen described as a 'boring cuddle' ... basically, if he didn't want to play, join in with other babies etc then I would just hold him on my hip or on my knee but NOT try to interact with him or 'jig' him along ... So basically he got his cuddle from mummy but after a while he worked out that it was actually quite boring and there was more going on where the other babies were. It still works today when we go somewhere new and he feels unsure of himself ... he can stay by me, but I won't make a fuss of him or anything ... soon enough he gets a bit more confident and off he goes ... then comes back for reassurance and then he is fine.
I have used this with DD since she was born. I have very rarely left her to cry and I have carried/held/cuddled her a lot more than I did DS as a baby ... I think as a result she is a much more confident baby ....

Sorry for the long post ......

HTH ...

bobbybob · 04/05/2005 03:08

Wahey! the boring cuddle - I was going to suggest that Ghosty but you got there first.

When he is having a good time and is not whiney compliment him all the time about "what a great mood you are in, mummy is having a great time with you being so happy, what shall we do next." Set up a positive dialogue about the behaviour you enjoy.

I still sing to my ds in public, in fact I now get paid to sing to other people's babies.

ghosty · 04/05/2005 03:15

Good old Diane Levy hey bobbybob?

Lizzylou · 04/05/2005 09:06

I'd also seek out new friends, people like that woman you described are just not worth your time!

Original poster
uselessmummy · 04/05/2005 10:13

Didn't have a very good might as DS decided to wake at 4.30 am and not go back to sleep (here's hoping it's not going to be a regular thing!)

I can't believe how many of you have posted advice here and I can't thank you enough for your comments and suggestions, most of which I will try or act upon, am sat here quite teary but at least today it's bacause I feel happy and not desperate like last night.

I also am amazed at how many people have been through what I'm going through now(it's easy to see other mummys with their quiet smiley children and feel very isolated) you might not think that you have contributed much but believe me you made a real difference to the way I will act and feel today.

So, here's to big deep breaths, learning an few new tunes and boring hugs.

a BIG Big thank you to you all
xxx

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FLUM · 04/05/2005 10:17

Gosh he does sound tough.

Sounds like a break would help. Perhaps put him in a nursery for a few mornings a week. Then you won't feel so worn down by him.

Some people just don't like being babies. perhaps when he learns to walk/talk he will be easier as he will have more control.

Original poster
uselessmummy · 04/05/2005 10:22

Thanks FLUM, he is but aren't all babies/children?

Have arranged this morning for him to be permanant 3 times a week at the creche. Only the mornings but it's a start.

I am really taking on board everything that was said here and I am determined to sort myself out so I don't feel like a useless Mummy anymore.

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