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Original poster

If you knew your child wasn't going to be inviting another child to their birthday party, would you not send your child the theirs?

29 replies

Indiechick · 23/04/2009 16:50

Only I think I've committed some social faux pas. I only invited the girls to my dd's 5th birthday party but I've been cheerfully sending her to all the boys paries throughout the year. Is this not the done thing? Or should the one mother of a boy who felt the need to comment get over it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Indiechick · 23/04/2009 16:50

Perhaps it's my spelling, I blame windows vista!

OP posts:
DamonBradleylovesPippi · 23/04/2009 16:51

how old?

Original poster
Indiechick · 23/04/2009 16:52

5, she's in reception.

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TrinityIsLovingHerLittleRhino · 23/04/2009 16:52

well IMO
I would think that you invite whoever you want

and that is what the parents of the boys will have done

so you get an invite, you go

you throw a party, you invite who you choose

I hate all the competitive party shite, tis bollocks

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 23/04/2009 16:54

I think the other mother should get over it. My DD had 5 friends over for her party, at least 2 of them haven't invited her to their birthday parties. Thats fine, you can't invite everyone.

PortAndLemon · 23/04/2009 16:56

She should get over it.

But, at the same time, if your DD plays enough with the boys to want to go to all their parties then I'd be wondering why you were only inviting the girls. Only inviting her four or five closest friends, who all happen to be girls, yes (which may well be what you are actually doing and you just phrased it badly), but if you're inviting all the girls and none of the boys on the basis of their chromosomal makeup alone then I can see why the parents of boys might be hacked off. But even if they are hacked off they should just chalk it up to life's rich tapestry and get over it.

Original poster
Indiechick · 23/04/2009 16:57

It's a minefield isn't it?! DD got an amazing gift of one child (far more expensive than anything I would have bought), what am I supposed to do, I bought the usual £10 gift that I send to every party (different gift, same price). Do I assume mother bought it in a sale and it was actually quite reasonable or risk offending with a fairly average gift.

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Original poster
Indiechick · 23/04/2009 17:02

Nope, phrased it correctly. She's 5, her best friend changes every week. But she is a very girlie girl so I thought it made sense to do a girlie/princess party and invite only girls.

Boys parties she's been to have been the 'invite the whole class' type parties so wouldn't say she's been invited because of her friendship, more because she's a class member.

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Nighbynight · 23/04/2009 17:23

tricky, but I think you should return invitations. Class parties are a menace though, not everyone can afford them!

The best argument for smaller class sizes, imo. In my day, you invited all the others cos there were so few of them, and the party question never arose!

PortAndLemon · 23/04/2009 17:30

But she clearly gets on well enough with the boys to go to their parties. So you've invited all the girls, no matter how "girly" or "non-girly" they are, and none of the boys, no matter how "girly" or "non-girly" they are? (am just thinking of 4yo DS, who no one would be likely to describe as girly, but whose cherished Christmas present was an "I Love Ponies" Apple Tree Stables in fetching shades of pink and lilac, who frequently buys Disney Princess magazine, and who had me painting his toenails last weekend. And of 4-5yo me, who would have felt like a fish out of water at a very girly party).

I can see where you're coming from with the "invite all the girls and none of the boys" thing. I can also see where mothers of boys might be coming from being irritated by it (particularly if they have a princess-loving toenail-painter). But, crucially, you are the one organising and paying for the party. If you and your DD want to invite only girls, or only people with a "y" in their name, or only people born under the sign of Pisces, then that is entirely your prerogative. Birthday parties shouldn't be some over-analysed who-invited-whom-and-who-gave-what thing where everyone tries to come out equal to the nearest penny. And a parent who chooses to invite the entire class is not thereby entitled to assume that her DC will be invited back by the entire class. That way madness lies.

Nettee · 23/04/2009 17:36

I am relatively new to this but my philosophy on it is that each party is a self contained thing - the invitees bring a present and get food, entertainment and a going home bag. I wouldn't have the whole class to a party but would send my dc to a whole class party guilt free. If you wanted to invite fewer then I think at five just inviting girls is quite a fair way to do it. I invited the people that ds talks about the most

DanJARMouse · 23/04/2009 17:37

Complete minefield!

DD1 (also reception) has been invited to several parties lately, but her party in July is restricted to 12 friends, purely because I cannot afford any more than that, especially as I also have to pay for DD2 and DS so a total of 15 children at nearly £7 a head.

The parties DD1 have been to appear to have been the "invite the whole class" affairs, but have also been held in halls with an entertainer and parents doing the food etc so numbers not much of an issue.

Our party is at the leisure centre, soft play type thing with food supplied along with party bags. All we have to supply is a cake. No tidying up and much less stress for me when I have 2 younger children to worry about as well.

I know for a fact there probably wont be any boys on DD1s party list, but that is up to her, not me.

Nettee · 23/04/2009 17:39

Also when you invite people to a party you want them to come - if lots of people turned down the invitation because they weren't planning to return it wouldn't you be quite upset?

junkcollector · 23/04/2009 17:43

As a mother of a 5 year old boy I would completely understand if he wasn't invited to a girl's princess/ fairy (or whatever) party, even if the girl had been invited to his. I actually don't think he would want to go, which is more to the point surely!

fridayschild · 23/04/2009 17:43

I don't think it's a social faux pax.

But I will admit I was a bit narked (unreasonably so) when we invited everyone to DS1s party and the next day A Lot of the class (boys and girls) but not DS1 were invited to a girl's party. I think if she didn't like DS1 enough to invite him, she shouldn't have come to ours. If it had been 2 months earlier or later I wouldn't have thought twice; it's just the proximity that bothered me.

I need to get over it. Having had a whole class party I can understand very clearly that people might not want a whole class party.

Merrylegs · 23/04/2009 17:58

The mother of the boy who commented should get over it.

What ever did she say?!

If you invite someone to a birthday party, you do it with good grace and because you want them there.

Not in anticipation of a return invite.

Most odd.

scienceteacher · 23/04/2009 18:14

Invite who you want to, and go to any parties that you get invited to.

Don't get involved in politics.

Be generous and not petty.

Don't rise to pettiness in others.

basementbear · 23/04/2009 18:21

She should get over it! Some people chose to do whole-class parties, others don't. Personally, DS2 (5) didn't want a party for his birthday but we still accept all invitations that come his way!! DS1 is now 7 and most people seem to invite just a few friends. We don't get many invites from the girls - if we do it's when the whole class has been invited.

Original poster
Indiechick · 23/04/2009 19:50

She said something about her son not being invited and I apologised and said we'd only invited the girls and she said it was fine, but it so obviously wasn't. She said a couple of other things and finished by telling me how upset her son had been that he wasn't invited. I felt terrible but there really isn't a lot I can do about it now. And to be honest I was quite suprised as my dd never mentions her son so I find it hard to believe they're that close friends.

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scienceteacher · 23/04/2009 19:59

You could always have a playdate for her son. She wouldn't have to provide a pressie.

Original poster
Indiechick · 23/04/2009 20:08

That's a good idea, then she could come for coffee too.

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islandofsodor · 23/04/2009 20:36

We have small parties of about 10-15 children approximately half of which are family/cousins.

Other children have whole class or even whole year parties (40 kids imagine).

We attend all parties that are convenient for the dc's to go to and invite their closest friends up to a certain number to theirs.

A couple of dd's friends had very small trip bowling/sleepover parties this year of about 3-4 children of which she wasn't invited. It didn't stop us inviting those children to her party.

lljkk · 26/04/2009 07:42

I agree mother of the boy has to get over it -- BUT there may be more background than you realise, Indiechick. Each year we typically host 8-12 ppl at DS party and he typically gets invited back to maybe... 2 or 3 events? (I'm including sleepovers in that total). The disparity irks me, altho' all ds cares about is what prezzies he gets .

oopsagain · 26/04/2009 07:57

MY ds1 has been overlooked by his two closest friends at school.

he classes these two girls as his bestr freinds, and i do see them playing together when i go past the play ground too.

Maybe the girls don't see him as a "best friend" but they def all get on.
he doesn't play with the boys at all.

He has really really hurt when one of the girls had been talking about her party all week, even said he was invited.
he made her a card....
but no onvite.

Both parties were 6 girl type parties.
One of the mums commented to me how lovely it was not tohave to invite the boys to her dd's party when we were chatting at her ds's party (my ds2 was invited to this one)

I don't blame the parents.... but it is hurtful and sad to be the mum of the left out one, so cut her sme slck.
It may be that her ds isn't as close as my ds seems to be with these girls, but maybe HE feels he is, but the girls don't realise.

BTW- it has changed with me commenting to some of the girls' mums how much my ds1 talks about their dds... and (not surprisingly) a couple have said how much their dd talks about my ds1.
So we are finally gettting some tea invites too
Ds1 is in yr 1.

piscesmoon · 26/04/2009 07:58

I didn't realise there was such angst about parties! I always held small parties and DSs invited whoever they wanted, but with a strict limit. If other people want to hold massive parties that is up to them and if invited DSs went-it didn't mean that we had to be emotionally blackmailed into large expensive parties that we didn't want. A party should be held because you want it-not because you expect people to reciprocate. DSs invited DCs even if they didn't go to their parties, if they wanted them. Whether or not they went to a party of the DC they invite shouldn't come into it IMO.
It is very simple-birthday DC has friends, of their choice, to celebrate their birthday, it shouldn't need the diplomacy of a UN conference!!

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