I think I have too much in my life - help me sort out prioritising please!

[hereidrawtheline]

I am just going to list some of the stuff I have to do regularly, can you please tell me if it sounds too much or if I am just incompetent at managing my time? I really need to know as I dont seem to be getting enough done properly and too much done half arse.

I have recently decided to make a consistent effort with how I look so regular make-up/grooming etc is taking place

I have DS who is 3 in Aug and very lovely and very high maintenance! That is the nice trite way of putting it, he is being assessed for SN and takes a lot of looking after and has very little self sufficiency.

I have a husband who works full time and has only 1 hobby of his own - gardening. But he does cook all our dinners as by that time of day I usually have a migraine coming on & need a break. Other than that he mainly only does housework that I explicitly tell order him to do. But he will do what I ask. But I am aware if I ask him to do too much in the evening he loses out on his relaxation time too.

I have 10 animals, 2 cats, 4 degus, 4 rabbits. They all take a lot of looking after - cats almost constantly especially since Yang got shot with an air rifle, and the other 8 need work 2 times a day min. each time taking between 15-30 mins

I really want to start raising butterflies.

We do a lot of gardening. It's mainly DH's project but I am involved as is DS. We are growing around 40 different types of veg this year. I also have one very precious orchid that takes very little looking after but I plan on adding to it at some point. Dont laugh at my life!

The house used to be very clean almost all the time but now is gross much of the time. It needs a lot more work doing to it. A LOT.

I read but mainly only 15-30 mins before I sleep each night. I cant do without that but I wish I could increase it a little.

I belong to 3 forums, this one, a SN one, and a rabbit one. MN is mainly for fun and lots of helpful info & support about DS's issues. The rabbit one is a small group of people I am friends with and enjoy. The SN one is one I keep wanting to find time for and it keeps getting pushed back because of the needs of the other 2.

I have responsibilities with the rabbit forum - I am starting up a monthly game thing for us involving small sums of money and money to animal charities.

I just stopped organising the arts & craft at local playgroup as it was one thing definitely too much.

I am backed up on emails - people I really want to talk to and I just dont write them back. Because I cant find time. The only person I email regularly easily is my friend in Vegas because our emails are hilarious and succinct one sentence long to each other. LOTS other friends & family I know I hurt or offend by taking ages to reply and I feel bad about this. I forget to send cards for birthdays. I have birthdays all the bleeding time. It really isnt that I dont care or am not interested. Quite the contrary I spend a lot of time planning and organising stuff for other people. Just I do it randomly & find it hard to do it on command with dates etc.

I need to find time to list loads of things on ebay.

lord there is more I am sure I am forgetting! Writing it down now it doesnt seem like too much but all I know is I am like a whirling dirvish I just never relax totally and really the list of things to do is immense.

Every day I spend hours obviously with DS playing and looking after him. When he is able to play on his own for 5 mins at a time I quickly dash and unload the dishwasher or laundry or do some animal chore that needs doing. I usually sleep when DS has a nap, I am truly exhausted all the time and cant keep my eyes open. Then basically when we wake up from our nap I resume playing & trying to clean a minute at a time & keeping the hundreds (ok, 10) animals safe, fed, watered etc.

Then DH gets home from work I tend to take about 15-20 mins to use the internet then I have to clean while DH does dinner, or I am lying down for 10 mins before as my eyes hurt. Then we eat, then DS's elaborate bedtime routine starts. By 8:30 I am finished, and exhuasted. I sit on the laptop usually spend too long trying to catch up on threads or emails, then drop into bed without having cleaned anymore.

The animals are non negotiable. DS & DH are non negotiable. I do really want to raise butterflies and think if I could just set the initial stuff up I could work it out. That is something I want to do for me, my interests. The rabbit forum has to stay because they count on me. Not to mention I would be really sad if I stopped using it. MN is addictive (as we all know) and I do spend more time here than I need to. So I have been thinking of limiting myself only to the need I have of the lovely people on the SN boards, and refuse to use the rest of the forum. It would gain me a lot of time.

Help! what am I doing wrong? If I remember all the stuff I am forgetting I will post it.

sorry its so long

I feel absolutely exhausted, stressed and strained from just READING about your life.

don't get me wrong, it also sounds lovely but bloody hell-!

OK If I were you I would keep planning the butterflies but wait a little bit - could you hold on until your ds is at school? less than 2 years? things might look a lot different.

I have to say, does the internet affect your migraines at all? I always find my headaches are a lot worse if I'm overdoing computer time. It also seems like a strain to be constantly worrying about catching up on emails etc.

If I were you I would think seriously about giving up having a computer at home - maybe have a long session once a week at a cafe or something (maybe in the evening?) and do it all in one go with a coffee herbal tea.

Speaking as the mum of an only I think you could do with a RL friend or two with children so that you could start having each other's children to tea occasionally, thereby having the odd break. Is this an option?

Right.

Your main priorities are:

Your son.
Yourself.
Your dh.
Your pets.

Your dh only has 1 hobby and I presume he works full-time? He cooks tea in the evenings which is enough during the week tbh.

Could your dh take over the care of your ds on weekend mornings? So on Sat morning you can catch up on emails, ebay and other pc stuff and on Sunday morning you got that time to get everything ready for the week ahead, house cleaned etc?

The forums - you say the rabbit forum need you, do they? Or do you need them? Forums are very addictive and before you know it, you've been sucked in and you simply have to go on to find out what's happened to so-and-so's rabbit. What happens when you go on holiday? Does the forum fall apart? tbh if anything needs cutting back, this is where I would do it. Your animals are your interests and you're about to set up a butterfly thing, do you really think you can keep up the forum thing too? How long before you join a butterfly forum?

How much time do you make for your dh? Your evenings seem to be spent on the pc. How about relaxing with your dh? Do you have a migraine every day? Really?

Buy a batch of birthday cards and books of stamps. Set your mobile phone to beep 2 days before anyone's birthday. All you have to do then is take out a card, sign and address it and post it. I'm doing this atm and it's working really well.

Cleaning - do a little, often. So in the morning just make sure the dishes are washed. In the afternoons hoover - 5 mins. In the evenings tidy away clutter - 5 mins.

The next day you don't need to hoover so spend those 5 minutes cleaning the bathroom.

5 minute short bursts will achieve more than an hour sometimes.

HTH

Agree with putting off any butterfly plans until your ds is at nursery.

Wow I am exhauted just reading that.

Good luck.

I would drop 1/2 of the forumsin exchange for RL people, or rabbits possibly?

exhausted with a S. yes I would forget butterflies for a while.

Right, firstly (as I have found to my cost!) you need to get a quick card out to friends and family-just a little "hi, I am thinking of you, sorry the letter hasn't come out yet, but have a lot on!" and then write one letter a week until you are through the lot-it doesn't take as long as you think (and you can usually copy the news from one to the next!).

Things get a lot easier when ds starts school. Dd was also very high maintenance and clingy, but is naturally becoming much more able to entertain herself for a little while now she is at school. I know it seems a long way away, but it isn't really.

Housework etc-a little thing every now and then makes a huge difference. I strip the beds when putting dd in the bath/waiting for her to get off the loo etc. I dust as I walk around the room-i.e. if I am going to the loo I will drag the duster along the ceiling corners behind me, will do dd's ceiling/knick knacks/books while she is clambering into bed.

I have my laundry basket on the stairs, so as I am coming downstairs I quickly whip out a load and chuck it down in front of me.

It is not so much "I need to get xyz done", it is more " I need to do x, oh look I can do y en route", it is a different thought process but makes things MUCH more manageable. I still struggle with dishwasher emptying/ironing/putting laundry away/hoovering, as these are "big" jobs, but I find doing all the little ones en route saves me easily an hour/hour and a half in the evening.

If you can't cut out the forums how about cutting back?

Go on every other day. The day when you are not on the pc you can talk to your dh.

Thank you very much, I appreciate it you taking the time to read my very long post.

To address your points - DH and I spend almost no quality time together. If I am not on the laptop then he is. When I try to cut down to spend more time with him, he sees it as his chance to catch up on his gardening forum. This is so clearly shit and I really want it to change as its a very lonely way to live.

The rabbit forum - well they dont need me but I have committed to organising this game/charity thing each month. Which is only just now starting. I (think) once all the initial groundwork is down which is what I am doing now it should tick along with only about 3 hours work necessary a month. But you are right, I do need them! Talking to them makes me happy.

Another problem is actually finding the time to hoover. DS is terrified of the hoover so I have to really prepare him each time for it. And I cant do it while he sleeps, we have a little bungalow & he wouldnt sleep through it. I really need to hoover every other day or every 3 days but at the moment do once a week which isnt enough.

I do actually get migraines nearly every day. I have had them since I was 7 and they are very serious. Most of them are just enough to make me desperate to lie in quiet in my room with my eyes covered but some of them get to the point where I actually feel I am going to die, even though its been decades of it and I have never died. But its a problem. My Dad had a brain aneurysm during a migraine and I have been told the risk is hereditary and I am frankly pretty sure it will ultimately be the end of me. I have been on years of treatment for migraines the latest of which nearly gave me glaucoma so at the moment I am between meds.

I was thinking of doing MN and rabbit forum on a rota system every other day. I know I need to cut them down very drastically.

Will sort bday cards.

I do also throw a huge xmas party every year. Fucking hell I am such an idiot. Guest list think 35-50 people. That takes a lot of planning much ahead of xmas.

And I am always trying to research stuff to help DS's SN.

The pc will not be helping your migraines. You need to think very carefully about your forums. You are on the pc every single day - how many hours are you on for? It's your forums or your health I'm afraid.

I would start a rota. I'm never very organised unless I have a written plan to follow. So have deleted pc nights and other nights for just you and dh. Get him to agree to this.

Could your dh take your son out for 5 mins every other day whilst you do the hoovering?

Feel your pain re the hoovering. DS was better once he had his own toy hoover (not sure that's a kid's toy actually!) More to the point, buy a carpet sweeper - I think they're very good. I have ended up using dustpan and brush quite a lot but that really is exhausting!

Put butterfly plans on hold
Drop Rabbit forum (it will continue without you!)
Get a cleaner

Where do you and dh fit time in for you to be together?

I think you're trying to do too much (and I say this as someone who does the same). The best piece of advice I ever received was 'you have to look after yourself or you'll be no use to anyone'.

Don't get butterflies when you're struggling to fit in what you say you have to do. TBH, I'd definitely not replace pets if they die and I'd consider giving some away. I know it sounds harsh but if it means you can spend some time with your son without worrying about what you need to do next or, actually get to spend time with your husband without a migraine, then I reckon it'd be worth it. Saying that, I haven't really been a 'pet person' since I was a child so I probably don't understand that.

Even if the Rabbit people need you, can you do less or get some help somehow? As someone who is very bad/good at being needed and thus getting stressed because no-one else can do it, it's amazing how much help you will get if you say you need it.

As for other forums, only use them after you've done your emails. Then you won't have guilt that you missed something/someone out. Real friends are better than ones on the net.

Do you need to do the gardening? If it's your husbands hobby, let him do it with your DS and then you can have you time. I'm a keen gardener myself, but I do it for relaxation and if it means you're stressed as you don't have time, it's not worth it. Go to Sainsburys, buy their stuff and marvel that some nice person grew it so you didn't have to spend half your life weeding.

I do suspect you're someone who needs to be needed and thrives on being busy (I'm the same) but, if it's making you ill it's really not worth it.

Good luck, I hope you can get your life simplified and spend more time doing what makes you feel better.

All of this work you are doing is also not helping your health.

For your sake, cut back. Say no once in a while. It's nice to feel needed but it's also nice to be healthy and happy and relaxed.

Hoovering-don't know if this is an option but dd was also petrified, and still is. I got a henry hoover, and explained that he was very friendly and was here to help us with mess (she was also petrified of mess), and she used to sit on henry's "hat" (Henry not moving obviously), and used to turn it off and on, play with it etc. Took AGES but I told myself I only needed to do one room a day, and we would be fine. Then I got a dyson when she was 4, and got her a little dyson hoover. She used to get her hoover out, and I would turn my hoover on when she turned hers on, and off when hers went off, so she was in control IYSWIM. She soon got used to it, and now as long as I don't do it too often/for too long she is ok with it. You would be surprised what they can sleep through!

you are right about the pc. And thank you for the kick up the arse I asked for and needed. I will do a rota. I spend hours each day on it - during the day when DS is around just literally 2 mins every 30-60 mins. Then from when DH gets home, its probably about 2 hours?

thank you! I xposts & havent had a chance to read them yet but I am going to run around and do 5 mins housework and play with DS who has miraculously been entertaining himself while I have been posting! I will be back ASAP to read your posts. I really really need this, thank you!

I don't think your day sounds that busy, sorry (well not compared with mine but I am manic and I work full time)

I would DEFINTIELY prioritise real life friends and family over internet forums

Your priorities are your family.
Right now your dh gets no time to spend with you.
You dedicate more time to strangers on the internet than your own family.
Your health is suffering because of the pc and all the things you've taken on.

Time to take a step back and reassess I think.

Good luck.

Will DS be going to playgroup when he is three even 1 morning a week or is that a no no? If so those three hours could be your 'jobs' time when you blitz the house/laundry/admin stuff.

susie while I appreciate you work fulltime I would say my day is most certainly very busy. And while I dont "work fulltime" I do have a SN child to look after 24 hours a day with no break, and every other thing I do is carved out of the time left over for that.

Agreed totally that I need to resort my priorities though you are very very right there! Reassessing done tonight.

he goes now 1 morning a week, I want it to increase but there are no more sessions for him yet.

Thanks again for your help

Sorry was not implying that you were not busy because you did not work outside the home. Was just commenting that I don't think you are doing too much in a practical sense, what needs to give in the internet stuff in my view. Good luck this evening.

"I don't think your day sounds that busy, sorry (well not compared with mine but I am manic and I work full time)" to me translated that well you couldnt be as busy as me because I work 40 hours a week and get paid for it. Which I took offence to for obvious reasons. Working full time is not the only route to a busy schedule and stress. Having a child who cant walk a straight line without getting hurt and melts down in bright light and loud noise is hard too. Amongst many other things.

But I appreciate you didnt mean to imply that and your opinion on the internet stuff is spot on.

Sorry if it sounds I am having a go I am a bit annoyed to be honest but I realise it isnt your fault. You touched a nerve when I have a very hard stressful time of things and the working full time comment pissed me off. But I shall shut up about it now. Thanks for wishing me good luck.