My uncle has been accused of sexual abuse and I need to talk to you

[ToProtectTheInnocent]

To protect, that?s why I?ve changed my name. Doesn?t feel right to do this with people knowing who I am, for my family?s sake, so sorry for the name change.

My uncle has just been on trial for sexually assaulting his daughter and his granddaughter.
The jury found him guilty today and the judge has given him 3 weeks to get his affairs in order before sentencing him.

He is about 76 years old and will probably die in prison.

So, me and my family, my parents, his wife, his other kids, his brothers and sisters, his other family, his friends are all sitting there tonight feeling all sorts of emotions, and the big question did he or didn?t he?

His daughter, the accuser, through a difficult phase she sent her DD to stay with him, and her mother, even though he allegedly abused her as a child. The granddaughter then blossomed and came out of her shell while in the care of this alleged abuser. Would you send your DD to live with the man that abused you as a child?

The mother, the wife, is saying there?s no way it happened. There are times and incidents that she says are impossible.

My uncle is/was an alcoholic, admits to being a bad father, but has been impotent since his drinking problems began.

Don?t know what to think really.

From my cousin?s POV, why say it happened and go through that if it didn?t. I know she?s angry, very angry with her father for his terrible parenting and I know she hates him basically. I also know her DH has been the instigator in all this. I know my cousin is an angry, pretty fucked up person.

I know my uncle admits to being a bad father but he swears, to our faces that he didn?t do what she is accusing him of.

If he did do it, why has she waited until he is 76 and will die in prison?
If he didn?t do it, could she lie like this, I can?t imagine she could but then again I can?t believe he could do what she?s accusing him of.

There was an incident where my cousin says as a young child she stole money from his wallet and he beat her really badly. My aunt says that she would have seen the marks and she knows it didn?t happen.

There was also a time when my cousin was doing some sort of course and had to submit some papers actually on child abuse. She asked her mother, my aunt, advise on a question and my aunt said to her DD ? well actually you don?t know this but I was abused as a child by my step-father?. Why didn?t my cousin choose then to disclose her story of abuse.

There was another time when my aunt, full of despair at my uncles drinking, drove him to a rehab clinic and left him there and was ready to leave him for good, my cousin was well aware of this. Why then as her mother was about to leave her father did she not speak out.

I want to, and mainly, perhaps wrongly, do believe and still love my uncle.
But why would my cousin do this if it weren?t true?
It?s so hard.

I don?t know what to think. Only 2 people know the truth and they both have very different stories. It?s so awful.

I don?t know why I?m pouring this out here, but it seems like a good place to let off.

All I ask is that if you post, and you think my uncle is guilty, please spare mine and my families feelings, just a bit.
We?re hurting and love my uncle very much, so please, please, I?m asking you to not condemn him. I don?t expect you all to believe he is innocent, I just don?t want you to lash out with anger at someone that is accused of such awful crimes. We?re all mothers, or fathers, here, we all feel strongly about this subject, but right now I?m, we?re hurting and we?re seeing it from the side of a 76 year old man who will die in prison and we don?t know if he did or if he didn?t. I?m trusting this with you. I know I?ve changed my name but you must understand why. Be honest, be yourself but please don?t be cruel.

I hope I don?t regret sharing this, but couldn?t not.

Yes, same here.

xx

Thank you very much.

I have begun to accept that my uncle must have committed these crimes by reading all your posts. It's not easy to accept and it's not easy to come to terms with the fact that I don't hate him. I feel I should, but I can't. I hate that this has happened, I hate that he did these things, and I hate that he'll die in prison, I just can't hate him.

I am struggling to understand that my aunt must have known or guessed at some point and that she is not there for her daughter. I know it happens a lot, it happened to all of you, but I don't get it.

I didn't show my mother this thread but I had a long chat with her last night and touched on things you shared with me. She is struggling with it but like me knows it is likely that he is guilty. She has always looked up to him, this gentle, kind man, her eldest brother. He journeyed down to see her face to face to tell her what was happening before the trail began. He looked her in the eye and said 'I did not do these things'. She is finding that hard and can't understand why he would put his DD and GD, his DW and everyone else through a trial.

Thre are a lot of questions. A lot to have to try and accept.
We'll get there though.

He is sentenced in 3 weeks time and that will be a terrible day for everyone.

Hi TPTI, I'm pleased you and your mum are starting to talk this through more with each other, discussing the very sad probability of your uncle's guilt.

One thing with regard to your aunt; As you know, my mother is also in denial regarding what my step father did. Your question of your aunt was the one thing about my own situation that I wanted to know from my mother. I have come to terms with the sad fact that we will never have the conversation that will provide me with that answer.

I am sure now that since the very first time my step father laid into me (which was probably the occasion when she said something to him such as "If you ever do anything like that again, I'll leave") it was too late for her, as to admit she had even once allowed him to do this to me would be to admit that she had failed me miserably. Much, much easier to live in denial as (as all us mums know) to feel that you had failed your children like this would be the end, the worst thought imaginable.
So, in denial she is and in denial she will probably stay. Ironically, in doing so she has abandoned the daughter she can't cope with the thought of failing. But, in her eyes it was and is my fault, because - nothing ever happened.

Hope that makes sense! It's possible that similar applies to your aunt, I don't know.

Thinking of you, and you'll certainly be in my thoughts around the time of the sentencing too. If you ever want to chat, just shout.

xx

I was raped as an adult, by someone who was an upstanding, highly credible, very charming man. I had to tell my story, time and time again, in great depth, to numerous policemen, lawyers, court officials, a judge etc etc. I had to answer leading questions, give detailed accounts of "lost moments" and my reasons for not coming forward straight away (I wished to God it had never happened and that it would just "go away" and I also wanted to use it as a bargaining tool, sick as it may seem, so that I could tell him that if he left me alone, I would not press charges). It was a soul destroying and extremely difficult process and not something I can imagine anyone doing for revenge or to get back at someone. It hurts just as much for the victim to go to trial as the perpetrator - as well as sending someone to prison and knowing that in a way you are responsible for f***g up their life - by pursuing court action after an event that they deny. I even sometimes questioned if I dreamed it up, but had the nightmares and bruises to prove that, no, I hadn't.

I am trying to say that I am afraid I am biased here. I understand how you must feel. I saw his family weep behind me, and I know that they hate me for standing up and saying what they do not (want to) believe. But I find it very very hard to imagine someone going through all that to convict an innodent man. I also question whether it would have got to court - the system works very hard to sift out revenge-seekers before they get to the witness stand, if there was any doubt that she was telling the truth.

I really do feel for you. You love him, and it is not your fault. But I find it hard to accept that he is innocent. The weight of the sentence would indicate that the court system substantiates this.

Is - ToProtectTheInnocent - still around - wondered how you were coping with things now?

BUMP

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