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Original poster

Is DH being a bit selfish???

39 replies

jac34 · 04/04/2003 08:37

We have very little money to spend on ourselves, because DH and I both work part time, to share child care.
We have a small overdraft but no credit card debts, car loans, HP loans etc. We try to live within our means.
Dh loves golf and pays and plays whenever he can, but now he has been accepted to join a golf club, they want the remaining fees for this year up front(£450), then in September he can pay by direct debit every month(£47).
I know this is cheap by some club standards, and it will work out cheaper than him paying each time he plays, but as I would never consider spending this amount of money on myself, and we can't really afford it, I feel it's a bit selfish.
Am I right, or just being mean ????

OP posts:
doormat · 04/04/2003 08:50

jac34 aren't men selfish? You are not being mean.If he is adamant about joining this golf club I suggest to you to play him at his own game.You have £450 UP FRONT to spend on YOURSELF and then £47 each month from Sep.See if he feels the pinch in his wallet?? I know this sounds crazy but why should you go without.I bet he will reconsider when this proposal is put to him??? I hope everything works out for you. Keep us posted.

Original poster
jac34 · 04/04/2003 09:01

I know how he feels really, we have gone without so that we could do the best for the boys, since they were born.
In September they will be going to school full time, and we will no longer have to pay for 2 days child care for them, which should leave us better off by about £400-£500, every month.
I just feel he's jumped the gun a bit, and can't see were the £450 is going to come from.

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kaz33 · 04/04/2003 09:24

My DP loves golf. He's not a member of a golf club mostly because we live in the centre of London so it would be a waste of money. However, he has just had a few days away playing golf with a friend.

The way I see it he doesn't have any other expensive hobbies, he doesn't drink loads or go out with his mates down the pub. He is always happy to spend time looking after DS and spending time with us as a family. So I try to understand how important it is for him to have a release.

Maybe you could sit down with him and explain to him that this is a lot of money for you and that you are both going to have to make sacrifices to afford it. Is there something that he can cut out which he presently spends money on? That at least would make it more fair.

Another issue which you have not mentioned but which might be playing on your mind is how much time is he going to spend playing golf ? Club competions tend to be on Saturday mornings - add a pint or two at lunch and suddenly most of Saturday has gone. Some clubs will also have medal weekends where you can play Saturdays and Sundays. If this is an issue for you, it would be for me, then you need to talk to him about what is acceptable.

There must be a compromise position which will keep you both happy !

Original poster
jac34 · 04/04/2003 09:38

As far as the playing at weekends is concerned, I've already told him I don't mind if he spends, sometime there, but I would not be happy, if he was there the whole weekend.He plans to play a bit during the week, while the boys are in school( come September), which is fine.
I also suggested, that he works one Saturday a month, to pay for the £47 a month direct debit, which he did not seem keen on, and he made me feel like I was being mean.

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SoupDragon · 04/04/2003 09:47

Don't get me started on the subject of golf.

I like doormat's proposal You say that "we have gone without" so you deserve something now too.

My DH plays golf every Saturday. It does indeed make the whole day useless and also spoils any chance of going away without major negotiations. He says that he deserves it because he's been working hard all week but doesn't see that inorder for him to get this time off, I have to work an extra half day or so (I'm a SAHM). This week he's not been back home before 10pm and whilst I sympathise with his hard work, I've been working longer hours too. He just doesn't get it. Aaaaagh!

Sorry to but in with a whinge of my own.

SoupDragon · 04/04/2003 09:49

Ooooh - and another thing! He can skive off work early to have a sneaky round of golf but not to spend a sneajy afternoon with his fmaily. Grrrr!

Jac34, if you're being mean then so is he.

vkr · 04/04/2003 09:59

This is the first year for us where the golf issue has raised it's head - last summer ds was brand new !! We have agreed on one evening per week after work - with the evenings getting longer he can get round most of the course - it helps having a course close to work. Golf hasn't been the only thing where compromise was needed - cricket nets also only once a week and only one day of the weekend playing cricket - otherwise ds will forget what his father looks like !!
If he is only playing once a week then often a pay and play course would be a lot cheaper - it is possible to still be a member and play competitions to affect the handicap.

Original poster
jac34 · 04/04/2003 10:02

Well soupdragon,
Today is my day off,and what have I been doing, with my "free" time?? Looking after the boys and cleaning the whole house. He is suposed to be in work today, and what is he doing?? Finishing at 11:30am, to play golf for the rest of the day !!!
He does this quite often, it's quite annoying when your scrubbing the bathroom floor, to get a phone call saying, you will not be able to get me at work, I'm off to play golf !!!

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doormat · 04/04/2003 10:13

Golf clubs.Hmmm. Fond memories.I put one through dp 's windscreen last year because he pi*d off with his mates all day running them around while I had to walk everywhere with 5 kids in tow..Seriously bad stressful day.It was a thorough joy to see the look on his face when I did it.He didn't think I was capable.Well I was HaHa.

Original poster
jac34 · 04/04/2003 10:16

Good girl Doormat !!!!!

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SoupDragon · 04/04/2003 10:20

No, I'm not contributing here again, it's just making me seethe I've just deleted a big whinge!!

LOL @ doormat

ninja · 04/04/2003 10:20

my dp and I have always said that we like having our own money to spend when we want to (although I admit that this is easier before kids). What we do is have a joint account for most of the money and an account each where (in theory) we award ourselves the same amount per month to spend. That way neither of us can moan if we think the other is frittering the money away - it also means presents bought for the other really seem like presents.

In practise I probably spend a lot less (particularly when having to miss the annual skiing hol while pg!) and I do often sub the joint acc but that is my choice.

I just wonder if having some separate money each is a compromise - you could always save yours up for something fantastic. It's always juggling isn't it

PandaBear · 04/04/2003 10:20

My DH has gone away golfing this weekend and left me home alone with DD (10 months)!!! Before DD his golf obsession used to drive me nuts but now I think he deserves a break and am actually looking forward to some DD and me time (I work FT and he looks after her when he is not working his shifts).

doormat · 04/04/2003 10:21

I am really not a violent person but HE drove me to the end of my tether.Especially when he DEMANDED his Sunday dinner when he walked in. I just FLIPPED!!!I had a choice between the car and his head.The car won!!!!

PandaBear · 04/04/2003 10:29

Doormat - can't say I blame you!!!! If DH comes back from his weekend demanding anything from me (maybe with the exception of one thing ), I will bury his golf clubs somewhere where the sun doesn't shine.

Original poster
jac34 · 04/04/2003 10:41

After all the moaning, DH is really very good,does all the cooking(he's a great cook), spends loads of time with the kids, even went p/t to look after them ( which alot of men, wouldn't do), he does deserve his treats.Just feel he could have waited a few months, till we had the spare money. But I do feel better now I've had a moan !!

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SoupDragon · 04/04/2003 10:45

My DH is generally great and I don't really begrudge him the golf/nights out drinking & eating/occasional cricket I just want him to look at life from where I stand occasionally.

My dad read a story in the paper recently which made me smile: man comes home from golf, gets clubs out of car, runs in to put TV on cos of football. Meanwhile dustmen arrive, take away rubbish and the clubs the man had inadvertantly let by the bin. Ah.... I can dream!!

Original poster
jac34 · 04/04/2003 10:56

LOL, LOL, soupdragon,
Mine would be too busy, washing his balls in the bathroom sink,washing clubs in the bath, then drying these items, with my lovely white bathroom towels. Thats his usual activity after golf !!!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 04/04/2003 10:57

Washing his balls in the bathroom sink eh?

PandaBear · 04/04/2003 11:04

Does anyone elses DH/DP bring their bag of clubs in the night before a game of golf? DH says it's so that the balls aren't cold .... bless!!!

robyn3 · 04/04/2003 11:37

doormat i love your windscreen/golfclubs story , very inspiring, but what was dp's reaction?

doormat · 04/04/2003 11:49

robyn3 his first reaction was his jaw dropping and going white with the words "Oh no not my baby" (pet name for car)

kaz33 · 04/04/2003 11:54

I've already fast forwarded a few years to teh weekend when DP and the boys go out to play golf leaving mum at home to unwind - ah well, make sure the kids get into golf thats my advice.

Original poster
jac34 · 04/04/2003 12:07

Yes, ditto, the holidays where they all go off and leave me sunbathing by the pool, reading a book....

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dkdad · 04/04/2003 12:56

Have you considered managing your finances in the same way that my dw and I do it?

We have separated accounts for 'pocket money' and two joint accounts, one for savings and one for paying the bills. Sounds a lot but very easy to manage with PC banking.

Then, each month, we pool our pay, move the amount we need to put into the bill account (one twelfth of the annual bills), move an agreed amount into the saving account and then split the rest into two and have that as pocket money each to be spent as we see fit. So, if I want to play golf and dw wants to go for a massage, no problem. We have the same amount of 'pocket money' each, the bills get paid and we still save for holidays, stuff for ds etc. etc.

Gets rid of most disputes!