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Original poster

Are you adopted ?

66 replies

tomps · 03/04/2003 22:03

I am. Just wondered how you feel being adopted has influenced your own attitudes to parenting, if at all. Since dd born 17months ago, I find myself thinking & talking about being adopted more than ever before - partly because the subject of hereditary things (eg hair colour)seems to keep coming up. But also because I have made certain choices for dd, such as breastfeeding / not controlled crying ... specifically because it's the opposite of what I had IYKWIM. I don't know anyone else who's adopted so am interested in anyone else's experiences.

OP posts:
cathncait · 28/04/2003 12:44

Roots, Sounds like its all going well.Its good to take it slow. Its a big thing and theres no sense rushing. I know when I got a call about my bio mum saying that they had found her and she was interested in contact, I said, 'thats nice, thanks very much, not interested, bye.' It took quite a while and encouragement from my Mum to call back. Hope it all goes well for you. Good luck with everything and keep us updated.

kirby · 28/04/2003 13:01

my fiance is but he dont want to find his real parents as his adopted parents love him so much! he does wish he knew them sometimes when he gets angry but i dont know if he means it? what do u think? xx

Roisin · 28/04/2003 13:04

Furball - thanks for your message, it's good to have a different opinion, and that's exactly what I fear.

I certainly don't want to "intrude" in any way.

Roisin · 28/04/2003 13:08

Roots hope things go well for you. I'm sure you're doing the right thing - going through an agency means there is support and backup there, to help you through the issues.

I got my booklet/forms last week for the official register, but they sent me the wrong form. Haven't yet steeled myself to phone up and ask for the right one.

roots · 28/04/2003 20:02

Please don't take offence, kirby, but the assumption that someone would only want to trace their bio-parents if they are upset with their life or they felt unloved is largely inaccurate I would say. I did have that state of mind for quite a while: that my parents meant more to me than anything and to try to find my bio-mother would be disloyal, so I was quite aggessive about not wanting to do it. However, since I've had dd, I've felt a need to try to piece together some of my background, for health reasons and for curiousity's sake and I don't think this reflects at all on anything my parents did or didn't do. They will always be first in my heart as they were the ones who brought me up and made me what I am today. Maybe your finance isn't at that stage yet - he still feels that it would be a betrayal to look for his bio-mum...

Original poster
tomps · 29/04/2003 08:00

Roots and Roisin - I'm still quite sure I don't want to do this, but I'm really excited on your behalf ! Keep us posted ... and good luck

OP posts:
Bugsy · 29/04/2003 10:40

Take it very slowly all you tracers out there. Sit back and imagine what would be the worst thing that could happen and how you would deal with it. How would you feel if your parent/child did not want to be in touch with you, had died, was very ill, was ambivalent etc. etc. Please don't send e-mails via FR - what a shock for someone.

Roisin · 29/04/2003 17:55

From the point of view of a bio-parent, I don't see the problem of an email via FR ... whatever the means of getting back in touch - a phone call or a letter (or even sometimes regrettably someone turning up on the doorstep unannounced) it's going to be a shock ... but it is a shock that they've been expecting/preparing for/looking forward to or dreading for many many years. I don't think an email is any better/worse than a letter, and possibly easier than a phone call.

I do agree that you adopted people need to take it slowly though, and it would be easy to send an email via FR rashly and without thinking it through. But if you have thought it through and considered the possibilities, I don't see why FR is any worse than other options ...

Clarinet60 · 29/04/2003 18:34

Roisin, you've said everything I think.
They are surely expecting it to happen one day. I've read the Sunday Times article now and it's interesting. I don't think they should have a name search facility though. I know I'm in a minority, but I used to have a stalker and wouldn't have gone on FR if I'd known they had this facility.

roisin · 29/04/2003 19:02

I agree Droile re the name search thing on FR. off to try and find that article now. You can't do a link can you? We only get the Times on Sundays.

roisin · 29/04/2003 19:17

bleeurggghh ... meant Saturdays of course.

I've just been and found it and read it - sobering stuff.

Soxwasher · 29/04/2003 19:23

Just to add another point of view - I am an adoptive mother and have spent much time deciding how I should tackle these issues with my daughters. I will fully support them if they ever wish to find their birth mother/father even if I find it difficult at the time. But there is a right time for these things and an ad in the Times on their 18th birthday is just not, in my opinion the right one. 18 is still pretty young - in fact young enough for many to feel they can't face being parents and so putting their children up for adoption! ROISIN certainly go ahead and register with an agency or go back to the social services/agency that handled the adoption in the first place and ask them to put a note or a lettr from you on your sons file - but please respect your son and his families right to pick the moment. I am sure they have good ideas as to where to start looking for you if he wants to - but in fairness to them you need to give your son the chance to choose.

roisin · 29/04/2003 20:42

Ouch! I'm glad I'm having these conversations now rather than in 4 yrs time when his 18th comes up, and emotions will be even raw-er.

Thanks for your perspective Soxwasher - it is appreciated.

roots · 30/04/2003 12:16

I would definitely agree. At the moment I feel ready to find things out about my bio mum, although I'm still fairly apprehensive about meeting her if that becomes an option. As I said earlier in this thread, when I was younger I felt quite aggressive towards anyone that threatened the relationship I had with my parents and I think I'd have reacted fairly negatively if my bio mum had tried to contact me. Your teenage years are difficult whatever your background and if you are adopted they can be even more confusing.

Roisin, you could end up with a very resentful person who doesn't want to know you - or worse, feels that they hate you. Or alternatively, they could be someone who is desperately needy and looking for you to solve all his problems. Let him find you when he is ready. I'm a completely different person to the one I was when I was 18, and I think most people are too. All you can do is register and then try to get on with your life... (Easier said than done, I know)

Original poster
tomps · 28/07/2003 21:22

So how's it going, fellow adoptees ? Any bio parent tracing going on ?

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Original poster
tomps · 04/09/2003 15:55

or not at the moment ?

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