Are you adopted ?

[tomps]

I am. Just wondered how you feel being adopted has influenced your own attitudes to parenting, if at all. Since dd born 17months ago, I find myself thinking & talking about being adopted more than ever before - partly because the subject of hereditary things (eg hair colour)seems to keep coming up. But also because I have made certain choices for dd, such as breastfeeding / not controlled crying ... specifically because it's the opposite of what I had IYKWIM. I don't know anyone else who's adopted so am interested in anyone else's experiences.

Lillibet, I still have the fantasies - I am an Irish Princess, and I challenge anyone to prove otherwise

Lillibet, do you know anything about your original adoption? Was it through a church agency or through the relevant local govt department at the time? When I originally started my search back in 1989, I contacted social services and they helped me get the ball rolling. Check out NORCAP website, they have some helpful tips.
Roots, I suppose I have always felt a bit of a square peg in a round hole. I don't suppose it is made any better for the fact that I didn't have a very loving childhood and consequently always felt I was missing out.
Although, I always knew I was adopted, the subject was a forbidden topic outside the family home and I can't tell you the number of times I stood silent and awkward while people would say how much my siblings took after Mum and Dad and then they'd look at me and look away or cough. Would you believe it, even of my wedding day people were still rabbiting on about it!!!!
I had a craving to know who I looked like, it was almost like a physical pain which bugged me all through my adolescence.
I could go on and on Roots, but those are a few of my struggles!

Bugsy, that's really a shame that you felt awkward about being adopted. Makes me realise how lucky I am it was always just matter of fact for us (brother also adopted). Did you actually trace your bio parents then or just start and reach a dead end ? I've realised that a big reason for not wanting to trace my bio mum is that I would like to meet her when she gave me up:30ish, single, journalist; not now when, if still alive, she is 60ish, married ? widowed ? retired ... Prefer to have a glamorous image of her in my head ! (though unfortunately i didn't inherit the glamorous bit )

Lillibet - I used to have the fantasies too. I remember a very serious conversation with my sister when I was about 9, when we concluded that my grandfather being deputy head of a school did make us sort of princesses actually. Strangely enough, have recently discovered that my real father is a count....

Message withdrawn

Bugsy - is your dad Cecil Parkinson?

Strange that 1968 was the peak year for adoptions when the Abortion Act was 1967. Hope that's not insensitive, just idly thinking. But I imagine all the post war baby boomers were then having their own children.

I was adopted by my stepmother (bio mother died when I was young) Everybody always coments on both the physical similarity (quite close) ane the behavioral (scarily exact). We have very similar attitudes and tempers. I'm not sure how much of it is learned from here, and how much is my father choosing a similar woman second time around.

There's just so much to be said for nurture over nature. But ... I saw a story this week about 2 identical twins who'd been separated at birth and adopted into different families and ended up living very near each other so eventually met. The similarities between their lives were really uncanny. There was a programme recent;y about twins as well which showed that a lot more than was previously thought is actually nature / hereditary. I can only wonder which aspects of me are inherited ... ability to waffle perhaps !

Hi tomps, nowadays when a child is adopted the birth parents are invited to put their details on an adoption register so that when the child reaches 18 they can contact their natural parents. Even though it was some time ago that you were adopted your parents may have registered their details when the register was first set up. You could go to social services in your area or contact them in the area you were born or you could contact the British Adoption and Fostering Service. I'll try and find the contact details of this for you.

Hi Windmill - I would be interested to hear of this adoption register. I had a son adopted at birth 14 years ago, when I was a student. I often dream about him choosing to make contact, but I don't expect he will. But if he does want to make contact, I would like it to be as easy as possible for him. (PS I am a regular mumsnetter, but have changed my nickname for this post.)

Hi Roisin, try contacting the Office of National Statistics, Adoptions Section, Smedley Hydro, Trafalgar Road, Southport, Merseyside PR8 2HH, tel: 0151 471 4313 or if in Ireland, the Registrar General, Oxford House, 49-55 Chicester Street Belfast BT1 4HL, tel: 028 9025 0000.

Other useful contacts are:

The Post Adoption Centre 5 Torriano Mews, 5 Torriano Avenue, London NW5 2RZ, 020 7284 0555

BAAF, Skyline House, 200 Union Street, London, SE1 0LX, 020 7593 2000

Birthlink, Family Care, 21 Castle Street, Edinburgh EH2 3DN 0131 225 6441

Natural Parents Network, 3 Ashdown Drive, Mosley Common, Tydesley, Manchester M28 1BR, 01273 307597

National Organisation for the Counselling of Adoptees and Parents
112 Church Road, Wheatley, Oxfordshire OX33 1LU, 01865 875000

I have other addresses too, whereabouts do you live?

How many! How confusing! Is the register you mentioned the first one?

I live in Cumbria now. But the adoption was in Nottingham.

Are you adopted yourself? Or a professional?

Sorry, Roisin, didn't mean to confuse you.

Yes, the first one I mentioned is the one for the register as far as I am aware. I have a friend who has just had a baby adopted and she was given a long list of contacts, longer than the one I gave you.

The social worker involved told her how important it was to put her name on the register but wasn't sure which of the addresses it was but thought it was the ONS! If not though, the BAAF will tell you who you need to contact, and most of the other organisations would be able to tell you or find out for you as well.

Where I live the local register office has a notice up on the wall mentioning making contact after adoption and that has a number on. You could try looking at your local register office or contacting social services in Nottingham.

Roisin were you not offered any means to keep in touch ? I thought the process was more open now, and I remember meeting a family who were in the process of adopting a child over 14 years ago who had a whole scrap book of his 'former' life. Maybe it's different when it's babies.

Tomps, Normally children are given life story books like you mentioned. They are prepared by parents, other blood relatives, foster carers, etc. There is also a letterbox information information scheme these days so that the parents and other birth relatives can send letters, photos, cards, possibly small gifts to the adopted child via social services. I am not sure when either of these things aterted though.

Windmill - THANK YOU! I phoned the Stats Office/Adoptions today and they are sending me a form to go on the register (which they maintain). It costs £30 to go on the register, and people who've been adopted can go on too (if they are 18). I've been meaning to do this for ages, but not got round to it. To be honest I still can only cope with thinking about it in fairly short bursts, so having the necessary info 'dished up to me on a plate' as it were, is just what I needed. Many thanks.

Please give my virtual best wishes to your friend - obviously I don't know the circumstances, but I do know at least something of how she is feeling. It was the most difficult thing I ever did in my life, and the next 2 years were very tough. I have never regretted the decision, because I knew it was best for the baby.

Tomps - we prepared a 'life story book' for the baby with the social worker - i.e. story of my life, the pregnancy, family health history, etc. But there was no possibility then of any ongoing contact. In the case of babies I honestly don't think it's helpful for the children - I would have liked it, but that's not the point.

I'm not seeking to make contact - I am quite happy to leave that decision to him when he is 18, though I would dearly love to hear from him then, or later in his life. I may put a brief birthday note in the Times on his 18th. Those adopted reading this, do you think this is a good idea?

Hi Rosin. I think that the note in the times is a lovely idea. I met my bio mum through a register like you've gone on (but in Australia)..she put her name down within a week of me doing so ( I had just turned 18). The fact that she wanted to find me made me feel like I did matter to her after all the possiblities. I think you making the initiative is important - I mean as far as the newspaper - (not stalking or anything )

I think the birthday note's such a sweet idea, but what if he doesn't read the Times !!! You'd better place ad in all newspapers just to be sure ! Seriously thought good luck with it, and hopefully he will want to get in touch too.

Did anyone read the article about Friends Reunited in the Sunday Times today? It was saying about the name search facility on the site. I had a go using my birth mother's name. The only things I know are her name, how old she was when she had me and where her family came from (as in region, rather than town). I worked out what year she'd have started school and I actually found someone of her name with dates to match and the correct region!!!!!!!!!

Don't know what to do now. Obviously, if I subscribed to FR I could get the email address ans find out if it's the right person. I know she had me while she was an uni in my home town so I could ask her if she studied at this uni, pretending maybe to be a former student who might remember her.

I want to find out some stuff about her, esp medical history, but I'm not at all sure that I want any more than to let her know I'm ok and find out a bit more about my past. I certainly don't want to intrude on the life she has now, esp as she may have a family that don't know anything about my existence. If I'm really honest as well, I don't want to start anything up with someone who might be needy in any way, as I don't think I could cope with that at the moment.

Any advice in where to go / what to do from here?

Could you get someone to act as an intermediary for you and ocntact her, rather than making the contact direct? Perhaps even one of the adoption agencies, or a solicitor, someone 'neutral'?

Can I just say, I'm not meaning to offend anyone as obviously this subject is a sensitave one at the best of times.

Dh is adopted and has absoulutely no intention of finding his birth family. He would be deeply upset if he read a message for him in the birthday section of the newspaper. So even though you are loving and thinking about the child you have had adopted, please think twice before you do anything.

At least if you join a register and so does the other party you know that you both are wanting to make contact.

Roots, I never thought of this. You've got me thinking now, as I know the name and region of my 'birth grandmother'. When you subscribe to FR, you can send an email to the person through them, but you are never given their actual email address. If they didn't want to reply to you, they needn't. (One old schoolfriend hasn't replied to me on FR, LOL, wonder why!!!!!) Personally, I would give it a go. I'm sure that everyone who has ever had a baby adopted is waiting and wondering for that day, when they will get that letter or knock on the door, and has already half-planned their reaction, whether they would welcome it or not.

More news...
After speaking to dh and another close friend this morning, I decided to find some more stuff out beforehand if I could, as it felt like jumping in with both feet going to FR route. I rang my local social services and eventually got through to the duty social worker for adoption services. We've had a long chat and I've decided to try to official way first. She is going to look through the records for my year of adoption, some of which may have more details about the circumstances of the birth and adoption. There is also a chance that my birth mother may have left a letter or some info with this stuff.

The social worker is also sending me some booklets and info about the whole process which will contain addresses for the "official" adoption register as well as the unoffical one (which I can't remember the name of at the mo). Both agencies give an opportunity for birth parents to leave details there in case the child ever tries to trace them. You can also register with them so that if your birth parent ever does the same they can see that you are willing to be contacted.

I spoke to her early this morning and already she's rung back asking for dates to do with my placement and court dates, so I know she's on the case. I feel much happier to be doing it this way; it lets me keep a safe distance with plenty of thinking time.

BTW, Droile: that's good news about the email address procedure on FR. We've had an email from an old flame of dh which we've never replied to. Thank god she doesn't actually know our email address! Cheeky mare.....