Are you adopted ?

[tomps]

I am. Just wondered how you feel being adopted has influenced your own attitudes to parenting, if at all. Since dd born 17months ago, I find myself thinking & talking about being adopted more than ever before - partly because the subject of hereditary things (eg hair colour)seems to keep coming up. But also because I have made certain choices for dd, such as breastfeeding / not controlled crying ... specifically because it's the opposite of what I had IYKWIM. I don't know anyone else who's adopted so am interested in anyone else's experiences.

Hello, I was adopted at 6 weeks old and I have thought about it more since my children were born. Things along the lines of how my mum who adopted me managed having 14 miscarriages one after the other before they got me. And about how my biological mother felt about giving me up. I have never tried to trace back, not wanting to open a can of worms. the things that have affected me most have been the total lack of medical history and having to explain this every time you see someone. I also wonder what would happen if I needed some sort of transplant and the only 'blood' relations that I have are my children. I do wonder if there is someone out there who looks like an older version of me, I have a couple of little versions! Have you ever been told that you look like your adoptive parents? I have!!

Yes ! Used to find it funny when I was little, pale and blonde / mum very dark hair brown eyes and people would say how alike we were - we'd just smile about it. Now get HUGE pleasure from the (weird) fact that dd often resembles her granny ! Agree about can of worms.

What was your opinion on the recent 'bonding' thread?

Hi, I was adopted too at about 6 weeks. I have made contact with my biological family and have quite close relationships with them. Since dd was born I have been quite fascinated to watch her and see the similarities to my biological family. I have always been interested in the whole idea of the person you become as being partly from genetics and partly from enviroment (ie the way you were raised). I find that even though I am a lot alike my biological family I also have some stark differences and am lot like my adopted brother. You don't inherit a value system - you are taught it. I find it really interesting stuff.
One other thing that having dd has made me do is to try and make contact with my bioloical father. I guess all of a sudden family background seems important. Of course my adopted family will always be dd's 'real' family IYKWIM. Sorry to go on so long!

What made you decide to trace your biological family? How did your adoptive family react to it?
I never think of my mum as my 'adoptive' mum (Dad died 2 years ago) and can get quite prickly when people ask have i ever tried to trace my 'natural' or 'real' parents, because I object to the terminology, mum and dad are very real and were never unnatural!!!

I was only 18 when I found my Bio Mum. My parents encouraged me to do so. My Mum was adopted too - must run in the family . But even though Mum encouraged me to do so I know she found it hard. It was very emotional, I guess you don't really know what to feel - they're still people you don't know when you get down to it. I do think I was too young at 18 cos I didn't really 'know myself' and introducing all this extra stuff was quite difficult to deal with (3 1/2 siblings who ere still reasonably young 11, 12, 14).
Still we are all happy. I don't consider my parents as 'adoptive parents' either just used the term to avoid confusion. I know what you mean about terminology. And I agree with you that they are in every way, my family. People who arn't adopted often just don't understand.
Overall, I would say I'm glad to have found my 'roots' and don't regret it at all. I have ended up being quite close qith my B.mums side (especially the other kids).
Sorry to go on so long. Are you curious about your background etc.?

Lillibet - didn't read the bonding thread and can't find it ... can you remember the title ? I've never been interested in tracing my bio dad. Maybe because although my real dad died when I was 14, I feel he was such a huge influence on me, much more than just biology could be. Having started this thread last night it started me thinking - when do you tell your children that you're adopted, and therefore that they're not blood related to their grandparents etc ? I'm lucky in that I've always known I was adopted (and special, because I was 'chosen' - how corny !) so it's never been a big deal, but I don't want to be banging on about it to dd yet. What did / will you do ?

Do you think your children need to know you were adopted? I'm very sensitive about telling people because of what they might assume. I was adopted at 6 weeks. My mum died when I was 9. I was at a girl's house for tea soon after my mum died and, because it was an open topic at home, I told the girl's mum I was adopted. She then said "Oh, well it can't be THAT bad your mum dying because she wasn't your real mum anyway." I've never forgotten that. I haven't even posted using my usual nickname because I'm scared of what people might think because I've posted on the bereavement threads and they might think it's not the same if you're not grieving for "blood" relatives.

Roots, Anyone who thinks you have any less right or need to grieve because you're adopted is a COMPLETE idiot. (I'd use a stronger word than idiot but don't want to offend.) I have always been open about my adoption which was not a great idea when I was a kid as was sometimes made fun of (we always had it as an open subject too at home). But as an adult I have found people to be more curious than negative.
Anyway, if you want to keep it to yourself then do so. Its noones bussiness but your own. And don't EVER let anyone tell you you shouldn't grieve as much as if you were blood related. THe bond between families is the same I believe, and because I know and love my biological family too, I can tell you that my bond with my 'adopted' family is stronger and more real to me than even my blood relatives.
I think it is important to be honest with you kids about these things, but they just need help to keep it in perspective ie that it doesn't make a bit of diffeence to your family and isn't that big a deal.
Sorry to go on so much, I just feel quite strongly about this topic, I hope my experiences can help other people is all.

I was thinking about this from the other side because I have 3 relatives (a distant cousin, SIL, and an aunt) who gave up newborns for adoption. I feel so much for them, how awful that must have been to give up a baby. My aunt grieved for her missing DD for 27 years before they were reuinted. SIL had twins as result of a rape; she keeps some contact with the boys, but can that be good for the boys, who will almost certainly find out how they were conceived one day? My cousin only gave up her baby 3 years ago; I wouldn't dare talk about it to her for fear she'd emotionally fall apart. I'd be surprised if she didn't try to contact that child one day, though.

Anyway, I think all 3 of these women became better parents more devoted parents to their subsequent children because of having given a baby up.

One of my best friends was adopted as a baby. She is possibly the sanest, most cheerful person I know.
She traced her birth mother and met her when she was about 20 but did not like her very much!(her words) so no relationship developed.
She does not have her own kids yet but is a great "auntie" to everyone else's.

Hi, tomps, I'm adopted too. I was told when I was about 9/10 and was really shocked and the worst thing I ever did was to shout at my adopted Mum that she wasn't my real mum! It makes me sad now even though I,m 42 and she died 17 years. After she died and things had settled down a little, (my Dad was really ill and I got married) I started to reallly wonder about my bio-mum and started to try and trace her. Cutting a very long story down,I did get upset when doctors asked if there was any defects, illness etc in the family and I couldn't answer. Had Ds1, got divorced, re-married and then really started looking. Found my bio-mum, 6 brothers and sisters and luckily things are great! My adoptive dad (who is a wonderful man) really gets on well with my bio-mum and they've had long chats about me, with him telling her all abut me as a baby and her thanking him for looking after me. When they first met, we all went to a pub and I let them go together, half an hour later I was getting worried and when they turned up, it was so emotional. They'd both been crying and I think my bio-mum reminds my Dad a lot of my Mum (they're quite similar in a way) and she cares so much for him. Anyway, sorry to go on! I told my children about my bio-mum and made it into a story, telling them they'd got yet another Nanny. The only thing that was difficult was answering why she'd given me up and kept the others, but I managed to explain. Hope everything goes well for you, if you need to chat more I'm around.

How did you go about finding your bio-mum, those of you who have? I'm not sure I want to meet her but now I've got dd and know what it's like having a baby, I often think I'll write a letter to her to say I'm happy/healthy. Where would I send it? Would I have to get hold of my original birth cert? I know the circumstances of my adoption - I know her name, that she was at college and very roughly where she was from. I also know her physical description ( and my bio father's too) so I know where my colouring and height has come from. Do you think the letter would be a good idea? I still feel very disloyal to my family, esp with my mum gone and having lost other family members so recently - it seems a bit disloyal (even tho my dad told me that my mum had planned to help me do this when I was old enough).

Roots, I second cathncait's post to you - she's written exactly what I wanted to. That must have been a nasty experience with the other kid -I bet she doesn't even remember that now, or at least not with the same intensity you do. How awful to lose your mum so young and feel you have to be secretive about it. Can't help with how to contact bio parents, but good luck with that.

i have 2 adopted dd's - and to anyone out there who is suffering any insecurity about there own adoption I just want to say that often I forget that my dd's are not my own flesh and blood - I couldn't love them more and they are a constant joy (even though they can both be pretty exasperating as well!) I reckon God puts families together in different ways - but it doesn't make adopted kids or adoptive parents second best!

That's a lovely posting, Soxwasher. The sad thing is that my parents never tried to hide it from me that I was adopted. They were very honest and open. I was made to feel very special for being the baby they had picked. It never even occured to me to want to hide it until my encounter with the woman I wrote about earlier. I guess I feel very protective about my mum but I'm sure that's not how she would have wanted it. Still, my dad's always been great and I know it makes not one scrap of difference that I'm not his "blood".

It does seem funny though that, like other posters here, I don't know my medical heritage. You'd think that would be passed on when you are adopted. Perhaps it happens now but didn't when we were all babies?

Roots, sorry I misread your post and thought it was the girl who had been so insensitive. Can't believe that an adult would say such a thing, especially to a child - it's just incredible. Hopefully nowadays such attitudes are even rarer - since the law changed in '75 adoption is much more open isn't it - which hopefully makes it less taboo - and you're probably right that medical records are passed on. That must be a mixed blessing some times though, quite honestly I'd rather not know if I'm more likely to get cancer / have a heart attack - I'd be worrying myself sick about it The one thing I did always wonder was if my bio mum had big calves as I read in Jackie that the size of your calves is hereditary !

tomps - you're showing your age there! If this really is the case then there must be a woman walking round on tree-trunk legs who I can blame for mine!! I just hope dd doesn't get them too...

I saw a programme a few years ago about adoption. It said that 1968 was the peak year for adoptions, which was when I was born/adopted. I wonder why this should be the case?

Anyway, anyone have any thoughts on the letter I mentioned before?

Lots of sex and not enough contraception ! My birth year too, so you're also showing your age. Have you done a web search on finding birth parents ? I bet there's a lot of info out there, it must be so much easier these days to trace people using the internet. I'm almost interested to try myself just to see how far I get, but not wanting to make any contact.

Hi roots. I think that the letter is a great idea. I wrote a letter about 6 months ago to my bio-dad (who actually never even knew I existed until he recieved my letter!). It was very strange and he ended up replying by phone as I gave him this option. I have had no contact except a christmas card in the mail since as he doesn't want his family to know - due to the fact taht he was married to someone other than my mother at the time (he doesn't even remeber my Mum - a bit sad). Anyway, if you write a letter you can have a lot of control over whether or not you have contact and what kind. You could always use a post box no. instead of your address or a friends address, email, that sort of thing. And just be really honest about what you would want from contact ie. information not a relationship, or whatever. Its always scary to do. It would be easier to find them if you have as much info as possible. I started with the phone book since I only new his name but ended up actually seeing him in the paper in a local story related to his work (my bio mum confirmed it was him).
I think about all getting your birth certifcate would do is let you know what you already know and maybe if they named you something different to your A.parents - so may not be that helpful...could provide an old address maybe.
Anyway, go for it - and do it on your terms. sorry to ramble

Also adopted. I am the only adopted child in an otherwise naturally made family. Look very different from adoptive family. Found bio-mother and we were in touch for a while but she was so intense and guilty that I had to cool it off. After ds was born I wanted to get in touch again and when I tried I found out that she had died of a brain tumour. I was devastated. Got in touch with bio-father and he seemed interested and friendly but requested a dna test as he doubted paternity. He is a high flying business man and politician and funnily enough the dna test came back negative - I am extremely dubious as I have pictures of him from my records as a young man and I think there is a strong resemblance!
I always knew I was adopted and that I was special because I was chosen!!! What a lot of rubbish - my parents were desperate for a baby and had been on a waiting list for some time - chosen schmosen!!
I've always yearned to know who I looked like and who I "took after". I am so different from my family in looks and temprament. I have had alot of internal struggles with being adopted.
Sorry very long post.

Bugsy - you mustn't feel that you weren't "chosen". Your parents DID have a choice. Read an interesting article about David Bellamy at the weekend. Only one of his 5 children was his bio son, the others were adopted and he said they actually turned one baby down because of a feeling he had about him/her. So this shows that the parents DO have a choice. If you don't mind me asking, what problems/struggles do you have with being adopted? I'm not being confrontational - I'm interested.

BTW, my (younger) brother is my parents' bio son, so I do know what it's like.

Hello, My computer has been temporarily knackered and so I could read all the posts and work but not add to them, very frustrating. Probably because of my situation I think this thread is fascinating. Re whoever asked about telling your children, I was told at such a young age that I cant remember not knowing and i think that this is the best way, so I went for the same theory with my children. Babies grow in tummies but I didn't grow in your nanas tummy. They asked questions and sometimes still do but have accpeted it all and my parents and the other grandparents are treated exactly the same. The grief that they felt when my dad died was as real as it would be for a bio Grandad and if anyone had dared to suggest otherwise to me, the earth would not have sustained my rage. Fuming thinking of that thought.

As to tracing, I was very curious as a little girl and had lots of fantasies (not that kind!), my mum was a gypsy with a caravan or princess or (weirdly as I won't fly) an air hostess!! I do like the idea of a letter but wouldn't know where to start, how do yu get your original birth certificate? I am very wary of opening up contact, worrying about a stalking type reaction or more probably that she will have a family who know nothing about me and I wouldn't wan tto upset anyone. I was born in 1963, I think the 68 peak was due to people having more sex before marriage but the abortion laws hadn't kicked in.
Sorry this is so long but i had a lot to catch up on!

Haven't time to read it all but just to second that with my mum being adopted and being brought up by my grandparents, the grief I felt when they died was every bit as strong as it would have been for 'bio-grandparents'.