Just how do I accept this?

[beansprout]

Dp separated from his xp 14 years ago. He has always paid maintenance (£200 pm for food and bills) and basically bought everything his dd needs - clothes, uniform, books, holidays etc etc She has stayed with him every other weekend from Friday to Monday and he has seen her on weekdays.

In the meantime BM has claimed benefits on the basis that dp hasn't paid them a penny. The CSA have "caught up" with him and the final hearing is next week. Dp is likely to get a bill for 1000s and 1000s of pounds. He won't tell the truth as he is scared BM will be prosecuted for benefit fraud and this will affect his relationship with his dd.

We now have ds who is 5 months. I am on mat. leave and am likely to return p/time so money is tight as it is.

I really cannot accept this but dp tells me I have to. I am SO angry but there is nothing I can do. Please, please advise me on how I can deal with this as at the moment I'm in bits and am going up the wall.

TIA

I didnt even realise he would have to pay for a 17 yr old (no offence to anyone)

Beansprout, did your DP know that his ex was fraudulently claiming benefits all this time? How long has this been going on, and how long has he known about it? Do you know?

I think he has known about it all along but turned a blind eye and just went with the arrangement they had. I think he did not see it as his business at the time (not the case as it turns out!).
Dp is the classic example of a man who has never forgiven himself for the separation nor has he ever been forgiven. His xp basically makes no financial contribution to their daughter, he pays for everything, (and I mean everything) she has or needs.

He has resigned himself to the payment, absolutely will not entertain shopping his ex and feels I just need to accept what he has chosen to do.

Quite honestly, if he isn't going to tell the truth he is putting her before you. I am livid on your behalf and I certainly wouldn't put up with it.

Why is her well being and comfort more important than yours? He's already given her the f*ckin money which is more than a lot of them do sorry, can't quite beliveve he is going to ride with it.

If the CSA think he owes her £200 x 12mths x 14 yrs, thats £33,600 - that's a lot of dosh to keep quiet about. And that doesn't include the other stuff.

I don't think I could go along with that.

The CSA is not an arm of the DPP - they won't start proceedings against her. I would imagine that that all that would happen is that she will have to pay back benefits that she has fraudulently claimed. Why don't you call the CSA anonymously and talk through this situation with them. You have nothing to lose. You won't have to give your name or anything except the bare bones of the case.
This is a terrible situation and I agree that he is abusing your relationship by deciding this unilaterally.
You can also get an idea from the CSA about a/how much he would be expected to pay (ie what they will demand from him if they assume he has never paid a penny) and
b/how he will be expected to pay this - all at once or in weekly instalments. This might give him a bit of a shock.
Also, has he spoken to the BM about this. What is her view of it all?

33K ?! How the hell is he going to find that? Is he expecting you to pay it?

Good god! If my dh did this i would be spitting tacks, and probably making ultimati over our relationship.

You're talking about a lot of money whichever way you look at it.

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

I don't have any constructive advice other than to back up what other people have said, but you should not have to put up with this. He needs to see that he has other responsibilities beyond his feelings of guilt. My dh was honest and upfront with my stepchildren about how much he paid for them, and how much his ex-wife squirrelled away for herself. It made them uncomfortable, but they accepted it and their relationship with him now (they are adults) is better than it is with their mother. He has to tell the CSA what's been going on, he really does. My sympathies.

Beansprout, I've been thinking more about this and reading what others have said, what has occurred to me is that it sounds like legally, your DP has been guilty of conspiracy to commit a fraud.

Basically what has been happening is that he's come to a private arrangement with his ex, to pay her a lesser sum of money than he would have had to, if he went through the normal channels. If she claimed benefits and received maintenance from him, she could live on that money; if she didn't claim benefit, he would have had to pay her more maintenance; so in effect, he has colluded with her fraud in order to save himself money. That of course, is why he is so reluctant to shop her; because he would still be legally liable for that maintenance, but he would be airing a whole load of dirty linen in public, putting his ex at risk of prosecution, alienating his DD, and in fact, he would still owe the same amount of money; so by "shopping" his ex, he would also be shopping himself. And he wouldn't be saving any money.

That's why he's being so "loyal" to her. He hasn't been entirely honest with you about this, imo: nobody sane would cause such trouble in their relationship just because they want to hang on to the good opinion of their ex and their DD; he's doing it because he has no choice; whichever way he does it, he's liable for the bill anyway.

So I don't think it's because he's disloyal to you after all; I think it's because he's lying to himself about his motives. This may not be much use to you in terms of the actual money situation, but at least you know it isn't because he's putting his ex and DD above you in loyalty stakes.

OTOH, I could be talking bollocks, but it really seems to me to be the most likely explanation for his otherwise really rather inexplicable behaviour.

What an awful situation beansprout - sorry your having all this to deal with

I have been split with xp for 3 years now and he pays me £35 a week and that is it! Are the CSA likely to contact him? It is just an agreement between us.

Message withdrawn

We had a long talk about this last night and it feels better today. Thanks to everyone who has posted. Peckarollover - yes, if a single parent is on benefits and the other parent is working and making no contribution, the CSA will come looking at some point.

Caligula - I appreciate what you are saying but what originally happened was just two people who were trying to come to an arrangement in difficult circumstances. My brother is doing the same at the moment and in the immediate aftermath of a break up that involves children many, many people just try to come to some sort of arrangement without involving the courts etc. Hey, some of them have posted on this thread.

I would like to clarify that dp has never simply just paid £200pm. He calculated how much he had spent on his daughter in one year (the one the CSA took as their example) and it came to £10,000, yep, that's £10k and that was in addition to the £200pm. Btw, he works for a charity (we both do) so we are not on mega bucks.

His main motive in not shopping his ex is that he is scared that if she were prosecuted, she would not be able to cope. That is a very real probability as she is not a very together person. This would have a very real and damaging effect on his daughter and he is willing to pay, quite literally, any price to not let that happen. I couldn't live with myself either, much as I don't have a lot of time for the BM, their daughter deserves better.

No, it isn't all fair but "fair" doesn't always come into things. We have looked at all the options and our hopes are pinned on the CSA seeing that yes, he has completely supported his daughter for a number of years and using their discretion to come to a verdict. Fingers crossed. The votes are all in, we now just have to wait for the outcome.

I do really, really appreciate all the support I have had on this thread. Thanks lovely people.

Beansprout, I wasn't condemning your DP's arrangement, lots of people have it; just trying to find a reason why he should be so determined to keep his ex out of trouble at the expense (possibly) of his current relationship.

It sounds like you're feeling a lot happier about things now that you've spoken to him; tbh, from your later posts I can see his point of view in terms of trying to protect his DD from the fall out of any problems ex will have; it just happens to be you that has to deal with the fallout, and as you so rightly observe, that's not fair, but lots of things in life aren't. I just think you have got to be happy with his decision, and an equal partner in that decision. If it were me, I suspect that I would feel really angry at having to make the sacrifice you may be called upon to make, but much more inclined to make that sacrifice without resentment for his sake, if I were part of the decision-making process! It sounds from your last post, that you now are, and so are much more likely to feel happy about any decision made.

Fingers crossed for you.

Beansprout Id just like to say no matter what every1 else thinks of your DP I have a lot of respect that he is trying to do wot is right by as many as possible. I have children to 2 xp n I get notheing from either of them. If I did I would only get £10 of it because Im on benefits.
Like you said it may not be fair but HEy lifes not fair!

The CSA are very prejudice imo because they pick on teh respectable XP who willingly payt for their children because they are easy targets. My x leaves work every so often so he cant be found. They keep telling me the debt he has is accruing and wot use is that to me wen my son needs new shoes!

I also have a friend who pays his xp aprox £200 each month and its not even his child. He just feels responsible because he brought him up for 3yrs!

Lifes not fair at all but you can get through this. Let us know how things go.

I haven't read any of the other replies but I would be livid too. I am sorry that you are in this position.

I don't think your DP should lie. The BM lied - that doesn't mean your DP is obliged to lie also. When she claimed the benefits fraudulently, she knew what she was doing. I take it your DP wasn't aware she was claiming benefits and pretending he was paying nothing?

I can understand how he would be fearful of the repurcussions of not backing up the BM but then she is asking him to lie! That's so outrageous.

Since DP's daughter is 14, I'm sure it will be more difficult for the BM to stop her seeing her father since 14 year olds are known for having their own preferences.

I don't know what the likely repurcussions are for the BM having committed benefit fraud though but your DP should not have to bear the brunt of her deceipt.

I realise my response is of no help since your DP has chosen to do what he wants to do - but since you and he have a child together, you're entitled to look out for the interests of YOUR child and if I were you, I would do what I can to stop DP going through with it.

Beansprout - sorry to bang on about this but have you called the CSA? I have done this myself - called them with a 'theoretical case" and they have always been surprisingly helpful. What about if he says he paid it directly to his daughter? And that he and his ex thought that was OK?
Caligula - I think that's a little bit harsh. I doubt VERY much Beansprout's dp was paying LESS than the CSA would have asked. 200pounds may not seem very much to you but it is actually not unlikely as he has other commitments and works for a charity and so has quite a low salary. Plus of course, shoes, clothes, holidays etc etc are not cheap either. I think he has more than fulfilled his financial obligations tbh - and what else could he do? Shop his ex himself?