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Original poster

Just how do I accept this?

71 replies

beansprout · 08/04/2005 09:17

Dp separated from his xp 14 years ago. He has always paid maintenance (£200 pm for food and bills) and basically bought everything his dd needs - clothes, uniform, books, holidays etc etc She has stayed with him every other weekend from Friday to Monday and he has seen her on weekdays.

In the meantime BM has claimed benefits on the basis that dp hasn't paid them a penny. The CSA have "caught up" with him and the final hearing is next week. Dp is likely to get a bill for 1000s and 1000s of pounds. He won't tell the truth as he is scared BM will be prosecuted for benefit fraud and this will affect his relationship with his dd.

We now have ds who is 5 months. I am on mat. leave and am likely to return p/time so money is tight as it is.

I really cannot accept this but dp tells me I have to. I am SO angry but there is nothing I can do. Please, please advise me on how I can deal with this as at the moment I'm in bits and am going up the wall.

TIA

OP posts:
irishbird · 08/04/2005 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
beansprout · 08/04/2005 09:52

I'm sure that somehow, it could be proved to the CSA that dp has paid money over the years but he simply won't tell them. He has established "shared care" which will reduce the final bill a bit but he is too scared of something happening to his ex to tell them the whole story.

If we were all on the receiving end of the CSA I would feel differently but I am struggling with his loyalty to his ex when it could affect us so severely.

But, it seems there isn't a lot I can do. Perhaps I will just say the serenity prayer a few thousand times!!!!

OP posts:
anorak · 08/04/2005 09:55

But something will happen to you instead! You will go without to help her!

Where is his loyalty to you? That should come first.

irishbird · 08/04/2005 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyDaddy · 08/04/2005 09:57

You, your children and your dp shouldnt have to pay so that his EX can get away with fraud. My dw agrees with you completely beansprout, it nearly split us up.

Caligula · 08/04/2005 10:16

I think your DP has to assess where his primary loyalties lie - to his ex or to you. I really don't think that in any equal relationship, somebody should present a situation about which they've taken a unilateral decision, and tell the other party they've got to lump it.

That's simply not a recipe for a happy relationship.

I don't know about the ins and outs of the fraud (if it was fraud - are you absolutely sure that your DP has told you the truth about how much maintenance he has paid xp?) but I think the main issue from your pov, is not how his ex or daughter have carried on/ are carrying on, but how he is carrying on vis a vis you. His loyalty is to you now; he should recognise that.

HappyDaddy · 08/04/2005 10:19

Hear, hear caligula. Exactly what I did.

morningpaper · 08/04/2005 10:22

I agree with Caligula - and remember it's not HIS money he's going to be fined, it's YOUR money too. You will have to sort it out with him because otherwise you will be sitting at work ticking off the hours and thinking about how much of your wages is just going to this woman...

I am also for you - he's being unfair!

coppertop · 08/04/2005 10:33

Presumably if you were intending to spend thousands of pounds on something then your dp would expect to have some say in the matter?

Freckle · 08/04/2005 10:47

I don't think a serenity prayer will help you much. If you go along with his plan of action, every time you struggle to pay for something essential in the future you will resent him/the situation. If you go along with this, I think eventually it may well split you up. Why on earth should he expect you to have any loyalty to his ex, who appears to be only too happy to land him in it (with no financial benefit to her as the CSA is merely recouping the taxpayers' money)?

As others have said, he needs to sort out his loyalties. Is his loyalty to her greater than his loyalty to you? Or is it guilt that perhaps he should have done more over the years which is prompting him to keep quiet about her fraudulent behaviour now?

At the end of the day, if she gets into trouble, it won't be because your dp has told the truth, but it will be because she has lied for a very long time - and is lying even more now.

Blu · 08/04/2005 11:14

Beansprout, what a horrible situation, and i'm not surprised you are so upset. But I wonder how far your DH has actually (naively) perhaps contributed to this. Do you mean he paid the money into an account which was in his name and gave her a cashpoint cazrd to use that was also in his name? If so, Why did he do that? Was he aware that if she had an account in her name then it would affect her benefits and leave her less well off, and him needing to contribute more? Is he afraid thast if he blows her cover, he would be implicated and done too? It sounds as if he has been honourable in supporting his DD, and that you have been supportive of that, buut do you know how much the total amount would have been if it had been through CSA in the first place? More, or less than the £200pm?

If he did indeed enter into all this in complete innoncence (though he must have known she was claiming?) it is a really sad signal that no-one can afford to rely on 'freindly' agreements in break-ups.

Really sorry, Beansprout.

Original poster
beansprout · 08/04/2005 11:27

Thanks for all your posts. V much appreicated.

Blu - I completely take your point. I think he has been naive. Understandably, when they broke up they did what many couples do which is try and come to a reasonable agreement between themselves. He has paid much more than £200pm, that is just for bills and food, as I say, he pays for everything else dd needs - her pocket money, clothes, holidays etc etc.

Caligula - thank you, thank you for making such a good point. We talk about being in an equal relationship, but that is not what is happening. I know it is difficult for him and he feels caught in the middle but unfortunately, those are his circumstances. If he has more than one family, that is how he is going to feel sometimes. I can't be disregarded in order to make it easier for him.

OP posts:
otto · 08/04/2005 11:42

Beansprout, what a horrible situation to be in. We have similar 'friendly' agreement with BM except the money goes directly into her account, so we do have proof that dp has paid.

What kind of account does he pay money into? Is it a joint account he had with BM? Is there any way you could prove that this money was been taken out by her - ie at her local cashpoint? This still won't solve the problem of your dp not wanting to get BM into trouble though. When this does go to Court, does this mean your dp is going to lie?

Original poster
beansprout · 08/04/2005 12:01

It could all be proved but he won't for fear of reprisals for her.
It has all gone on for months, as these things always do. There is a hearing next week when we should know the outcome.

OP posts:
otto · 08/04/2005 12:04

Just a thought. Were your dp and bm married? Because when my dp divorced bm even though it was a DIY divorce, he still had to fill out details of maintenance payments, plus other things he would be paying for in a document that went before the court. If your dp divorced wouldn't he have done similar?

otto · 08/04/2005 12:07

Posts crossed. I suppose that even if this document existed it won't prove that your dp has paid her money.

motherinferior · 08/04/2005 12:08

Beansprout, I have the inferiorettes currently tugging at my ankles and I'll come back later but I'm LIVID on your behalf and send you massive love from the Deep South East
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

otto · 08/04/2005 12:08

Do you know what would happen to her if he told the truth? Would she have to pay the money back? Get thrown into jail?

Original poster
beansprout · 08/04/2005 12:11

No, they were not married. There are statements etc to prove that he gave her the money. My difficulty is that he will not do that and will accept the consequences, as difficult as they are for us. And as Caligula rightly observed, he has made that decision without any discussion with me as he feels it is the "right" thing to do. He is scared of losing his daughter but knows I won't go anywhere. End of discussion!!

OP posts:
anorak · 08/04/2005 12:24

IMO it is more likely you will have his dd living with you...if her mother is in prison!

otto · 08/04/2005 12:26

I remember from another post that you mentioned that your dp doesn't have a very responsible attitude to money. Does this mean that he doesn't realise just how much this is going to affect your financial situation. Is there any way you could demonstrate how tough life will be for you in the future?

mummyhill · 08/04/2005 12:31

Beansprout I am soooo angry for you sweetheart but unfortunatley i seem to hear a lot of stories like this.I had a friend in a similar situation, in the end we managed to talk her DP round. She gave him an ultimatum to tell the truth and accept the concequences or to leave in which case he would have two lots of maintenance to pay thank you very much, in the end he decided rather than have two broken relationships and struggling to see both sets of kids regularly he would tell the truth. He still had a large bill to pay as the CSA worked out that he had not been paying enough maintenance. The ex had to pay back money that she had fraudulently claim but it wasn't as much as it would of been if he had been paying the full maintenance. At the end of the day she has made the decission to comit benefit fraud which is unacceptable as it keeps pushing our tax bills up, if less people claimed stuff they are not entitled to maybe we would have better health services etc or we could pay less tax and have a better living for ourselves. YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT, YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO PAY FOR HIS MISTAKES AND HER FRAUDULENT BEHAVIOUR. Sorry for shouting like that but i feel very strongly about this. Her child is old enough to look after herself anyway so why is this woman still caimimg benefits and not out at work like the rest of us? Single parenting does not exclude you from the work force especcially if the kids are old enough to go to college etc.

Aimsmum · 08/04/2005 12:53

Message withdrawn

motherinferior · 08/04/2005 13:09

RIght, I've fed the Inferiorettes and DD2 is napping and DD1 is supposedly bribed with the Incredibles and I'm STILL ANGRY.

Knowing a bit about the context and background of this, I think you are being pushed into a completely impossible position...yet again. And now it's not just you (which would be bad enough), it's Bean too.

And I also think his relationship with his dd, who's 17 FFS, is separate.

Am incoherent with rage and wondering if it's possible for you to raise the ante.

lunavix · 08/04/2005 13:11

Just a thought...like when people are claiming beneifts and you can 'dob' them in (I know this is horrible) but could you not tell dp YOU will tell them what's going on?

Sorry I know this might not be helpful but do NOT let her get away with it.

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