Friend really upset me... so angry and hurt

[Cha]

Just got the horriblest email from a friend who is really angry with me for not coming out for her birthday bash this Saturday. I am 3 months pregnant (second time around) and overdid it on the Sat going shopping in the West End for shoes (my one pair of trainers is falling apart otherwise I NEVER would have subjected myself to the 'joys' of Oxford Street with a buggy, toddler and unhelpful partner).
Anyway, felt too whacked to go to a smoky club at 10 pm where I could only drink a bottle of beer and stand around until I could slime off. I also suspect that I am anaemic (was severly so last time) and am having blood tests this week. Have been on the Floradix big time, though don't really feel much better. Also have to get up 2-5 times a night to wee. All this she does not know, admittedly. She also has no kids of her own so does not know what it's like to be newly pg.
However, I feel so angry with her and in my rage (always a mistake) fired off a short email telling her so. Still beside myself but don't know what to do with it. Thought I could let off steam to mumsnetters.

Oh this annoys me so much (friend's a family who don;t understand). I spent the first 3 months of both my pregnacies absolutely exhausted and in tears if I wasn't in bed by 9pm so I know how you feel. I wasn't sick in either pregnancy - just exhausted. IME though people who don;t have kids just don't get it. You've said your piece- I think you were right not to go.

Sympathies, Cha...everything you've said about how you are feeling right now shows you were right not to go. It sounds like a Hell on legs evening out for a pregnant person.
I think it is such a shame a pill or gadget can't be made along the lines of those educational crying baby robots. Something to induce severe nausea, fatigue, sensitivity to smoke/strong smells, insomnia, bladder irritation, etc - and let teenagers and other clueless individuals feel how lovely being newly pregnant is.
Hopefully some of the symptoms will lift soonish and you will be able to get some extra help with the anaemia if that's what you have - I love Floradix but it isn't always enough.
I hope your friend has got the message.

My sympathies. I am 17 wks today and feeling totally wrecked. This pg seems to be really debilitating - I couldn't face a 5 minute trip to the bank today let alone a party in a pub. However if your friend really does not know your are pg and feeling rough then she was probably just hurt you did not turn up. Granted she should still not be horrible and should assume you had good reason but you don't know what else is going through her mind. Course it depends on the friendship but if it looks like this is going to blow into something big then maybe you should just explain the situation to her rather than risk the friendship.

Was it just you going out with your friend, or was there others. I mean if there was others, then I really do not see her point, but if she was unable to go out, I can see why she might be a little bit disappointed, maybe she couldn't arrange anything with someone else.
People who do not have children, do not realise how tough it is being pregnant and having a todler, I am sure she will calm down and say sorry.
I know being emotional when pregnant, that this is the last thing that you nead.
GOOD LUCK

When I called her on Sat evening to say I couldn't make it, I asked if I was the only one coming (just in case others had blown her out). She said no, there were others going. Otherwise I would have gone.
Still feeling so so angry. I really want to call her and tell her what I am feeling. I really loathe 'notes' (emails, texts etc) telling people you are pissed off with them - if it's so awful then you should talk to the person about it. But I know that I should just hang on until I've calmed down a bit (though right at this moment I think I will NEVER EVER CALM DOWN AGAIN).
There are other issues with this friend, she also says our relationship is 'one sided' in that she does all the coming over to me. I can understand that she feels this way - she does come to me far more than I to her. But she has just her to think about. I have a child (and a not terribly New Man partner) and am therefore rather tied to the house. The (rare as hen's teeth) times I do go out (or rather did, no point IMO when pg as can't drink, smoke and feel like death after 10pm) it was nearly always with her.
Really do like her a lot, otherwise would be more than happy to just let it all slide into oblivion. What am I to do?????????

sympathies Cha but she does sound rather selfish and not at all the kind of friend you need right now. Having said that you say you really like her and I can understand that so I guess you have to let this pass to keep the friendship going if it's that important... once you calm down of course :-) (sorry can't get the hang of those smiley faces!) Suppose it's no good having an old heart to heart as friends like this IME never seem to understand your point of view.

Hmm... she is a bit self-centred isn't she? I think sometimes the gulf between people with kids and those without gets too wide. If she resents coming to you she probably really resents not having you to herself if your toddler is around. babies do change everything. I make an effort to see my non-babied friends in the evening but also sigh with relief when they get pg so they understand. I felt fantastic thoughout pregnancy - no nausea, no tiredness, nothing, but still often didn't want to go out as couldn't drink and watching other people get pissed is zero fun. I think you should call her and say how dreadful you feel - cry, maybe? - and how ill and exhausted you are and that if you could have come you would have done. If she doesn't back down, then maybe your friendship either needs to end, or really step down a gear. It's so sad. A friend from childhood who has no kids said my ds looked like John Thompson from Cold Feet and didn't at all understand why I wasn't exactly thrilled with her. Mind you, you never know with childless friends if there isn't a big dollop of jealousy thrown in the mix when they see you with your babies while they may worry they will never meet Mr Right and have a family.

Hi Cha, Sorry to hear about this !

It's possible she is feeling really upset herself as she just doesn't understand why you let her down. I couldn't have imagined what being pg would be like before I was, and to be honest I never tried - you just don't do you ?

Looking at it from her point of view - she obviously really wanted you to be there, and you blew her out at the last moment. She probably fired off the e-mail when really p'ed off and is probably really worried about it now - we all know how easy it is to be downright obnoxious in e-mails when we'd never say that stuff to a friend's face.

So - I think, on balance, that you should call her and just say that you understand why she's upset but the reasons you didn't go are....da dee da.....and you hoped that she would understand as your friend. You do want to be her friend, but you just weren't up to a late night in a club. She will eventually understand - and will feel like a right cow for the e-mail, but you'll have to make the first move I think and make sure that you get your point across well.

Remember - you aren't feeling on top form and your view could be slightly skew-wiff at the moment, and you do value your friend, so don't let her put you in the wrong. You are both in the right really - she for wanting you there and you for not being able to go - but it is upsetting you a lot, so you need to be the grown-up here and sort it out.

Sorry that's a really woffley reply - hope it helps ?

You have my sympathies Cha.

I had a similar experience, if not so heated, with one of my oldest schoolfriends when ds was about 2. I had stopped working when ds arrived and I suppose we gradually had less in common. She had at first seemed so interested in ds , sending him birthday and Christmas presents which I carefully acknowledged. We tried to keep the social side going (never a regular thing, BBQs and the occasional evening at a weekend). However somewhere along the line we went wrong and plans for a childfree trip to the, then new, Tate Modern were abruptly dismissed (ok, perhaps a matter of taste! )

Suddenly our friendship was too "one sided", completely overlooking the support which we had offered at some of the tougher times. I came to the conclusion that she was so dissatisfied with her own lot (short term, unfulfilling legal jobs and on/off relationship) that she simply preferred to mix with other,less tied individuals. It is interesting how she has similarly distanced herself from others who have paired up and had families.

I can understand your reluctance to let the friendship go. I am still sad not to be in regular contact but felt that I had neither the time or energy to cope with her (unspecific) demands to be a better friend at that time.

Perhaps your friend does warrant a fuller explanation if you really did not tell her how rough you felt, and why, but I suspect that she wil not understand until she has experienced it herself. Email can be such an difficult medium in which to express feelings so could her words have been less cruelly meant ?

I hope you manage to salvage your friendship in some shape or form.

Take care

LizS

I have to second both Scatterbrain and LIZS. We were the first amoung our friends to have a child and for a while it was difficult. 3 years on most of our friends now have children of their own (to our great relief). However a few of our friends are showing no intention whatsoever of starting a family. For those (childless)friendships that we kept working at (because we concsiously wanted to remain friends)we've tried to cater for them individually. This has definitely constrained the amount of time we spend with them from possibly once a fortnight to more like once every two to four months however we try to invite them over when our dd is in bed or we get babysitters and go for an "adult" meal with them. Simply because we decided to have children does not mean that all our friends should suddenly be as involved in parenting as we are. I'm (to quote scatterbrain) woffling on here but what I'm trying to say is that its a choice. If you want to keep the friendship then unfortunately you have to understand (or at least try to remember) what it was like prior to children. If their lack of understanding of children annoys you too much then possibly the friendship is not worth maintaining.

IMO I think you should think long and hard about whether or not you want to put the effor in and if so I'd do what Scatterbrain suggests and rise above it. Appologise again and say that you'd like the opportunity to meet up soon. When you do meet up lay it on extra thick every pregnancy ache, pain and problem (although possibly if you're too thick you may put her off eternally from ever becoming a Mum).

Hope I've not sounded too "lecturing" and if so please ignore me but there are some friendships that I've let drift because of circumstances similar to yours. Good luck with whatever you decide

Sounds like we have all been through something similar. I can certainly relate to this as have recently lost touch with friend from University who i used to consider my BF. Although she lived a very different life to me (London, PR lots of going out etc) we always used to keep in touch by email and phone call and always had date in the diary to meet up. Although have seen her since DS was born 15 months ago she suddenly went very quiet when she broke up with her boyfriend - was really upset about it but unable to speak to me or even manage to go out. Spoke before Xmas (she phoned me) but was really awkward and when i emailed a few weeks ago to see how she was she is now engaged to the same man and obviously doesnt want to know any more. Email was very short and didnt reply to my 'congratulations'. While i think it is very sad that we have lost touch and want to contact her and ask why she doesnt seem interested part of me thinks that we move on in life and i have made lots of new friends now (with kids). Also dont want to go through the whole - what have i done to offend you routine.

So i know that this isnt going to make you feel any better but if you want to save your friendship act now before it is too late. (Unlike me as now seems too long since i have seen her)

No advice, just sympathy really. Like others on this thread I am the first out of my friends to get married and have a baby and have had nothing but grief from my friends.
It started really when I met my husband and was not available to go clubbing on Saturday nights anymore - they absolutely refused to understand and put me through hell. Despite me suggesting we meet in the middle and go for a drink or a meal they absolutely refused - it was clubbing or nothing.
When I had my dd I thought they would finally go easy on me but instead I would say they have upset me even more. They are at last not constantly putting me on a guilt trip for not going clubbing but there are constant comments and digs about people they know with children who still go out with their mates, or even comments about my parenting methods, how shocked they are that I've gone back to work, their boyfriends will make better dads than my dh, how childbirth can't be that bad it just depends on your pain threshold...! I could go on and on. They don't realise it but they have had me in tears countless times.
I am now dreading the next few months. There are a couple of 30th birthdays coming up plus a hen weekend (possibly week) that I will get so much grief about not going on.
I have no advice really, just sympathy. I have come to the conclusion that they are no longer my friends to the degree that they were previously. I make the effort as best I can, suggesting Sunday lunch or the odd drink (which 99% of the time gets turned down but at least I've tried). Sometime in the future I hope they will have children and we can get our friendship back on track in some way.

You are all such stars. Thank you. I did email her later on in the day when I felt a little more rational - thought about calling her but then knew I'd go off on one and say all sorts of things that I'd regret. Anyway, wrote a long, understanding, mature email in which I stressed how much I valued our friendship, explained what it is like to be pregnant (how would she know, after all?) and why I don't feel up to late nights and also that although she means a lot to me, I have a very different lifestyle to her, with different priorities. My email is down at the moment so not sure if she has replied or not. Feel much, much better now I have cleared things up (for me anyway) and if she decides she is still cross with me, that's really her problem.
Silly cow!

I think it is only once you are/have been pregnant that you realise whet it is like. I had to cancel a week long youth camp with church once as I had such bad morning sickness, and although the leader was nice about it over the phone she admitted later she was thinking 'silly cow'. She admitted this to me once she had been admitted to hospital for hyperemesis when pregnant with her ds, and phoned me from the hospital to apologise as she now felt so bad about what she had thought!! I really appreciated this, even though she had been very nice about me cancelling (at very short notice and leaving her a leader short) when I did so.

child free friends:

• they always know someone who went out partying until their due date
• they always know someone who kept on playing squash until two weeks before their child was born
• they can't understand why (a) you won't bring your child to their loud, late-night, smoky, drunken party when their sister/colleague/friend of friend always does or (b) why you can't get a babysitter or (c) why you can't be back at 2.00am if you have a babysitter
• they just don't get it and never will till they have their own kids!

cha, i've been on the receiving end of this sort of thing, but i tend to agree with scatterbrain, from your friend's pov, you blew her out at the last minute on her birthday. if you want to keep the friendship going (maybe you don't and it's time to move on), i would apologise again (yes i know this will probably stick in your throat) and then really explain how awful and tired you are feeling etc etc. i'm not surprised you are angry, but i just think many people who haven't been through it themselves won't understand.

hope you are feeling better about it all now and good luck with whatever you decide to do

cha, sounds like you have done the right thing, now if she doesn't reply you will know what to do for the best...

I agree with everything that has been said so far.

When I was 9 months pg I got home one day to find an answerphone message from an old friend. I was too tired to ring her back and the next day there was no point as I was at work.

I went into labour that night and returned home 2 days later. Another friend informed her of dds birth and they both arranged to come and visit a few weeks later.

However at the last minute the first friend rung the second friend up and told her she wasn't coming as I couldn't be bothered to phone her. On my behalf my second friend went ballistic with her, she too is childless but has some common sense.

its not only pregnancy and children too, this friend also stopped calling my second friend shortly after hse (2nd friend) had suffered a bereavment because she hadn't returned a call.

JulieF, that sounds like a friend they could do without.
I'm constantly astonished at the lack of understanding of the early stages of pregnancy. If, Cha, you had had a sudden bout of gastric flu and let her down at the last minute, everyoneone would have understood and said, 'you poor thing'. Pregnancy sickness feels just as bad, yet because it's a natural process, it's supposed to not hurt as much or be less debilitating? I had very bad 1st trimesters with my pregnacies, but very few friends who actually understood. I often felt ridiculed, and was made to feel that I was exaggerating or mollycoddling myself. One of the reasons I'm stopping at 2 children is because I couldn't face going through those first 3 months again.

She hasn't replied and I am not holding my breath. Feel like I could do with a bit of a breather from her - she is a bit full on (this is the second 'I really hate you' email I've got from her). The more I think about it, the more I feel that this kind of response is one that I would expect from a partner maybe, but not a friend. Am too tired to think about it anymore. Thanks everyone for your support.

Cha, Did you ever hear from her again.

Hope you don't mind me muscling on this thread but over this weekend I too felt let down by my friend - although this hasn't got anything I don't think to do with her not having kids or preganancies. (It's a long post too and I felt I had to change my nickname - so apologies)

I went away to visit my BF for the w/e without dh and dd. We had a great time up until she suggested we meet up with her dp for a few beers on the Sat night. I agreed and suggested that he could come back to our hotel room, and then when I left the next morning they could have brekkie together and generally enjoy the hotel. I did actually make a joke though that there was to be no hanky panky whilst I was there. (I thought they'd appreciate it as my mate and her dp live with her dp's Mum who is deeply religious and thus they have separate rooms.)

Well that Sat night I went to bed early whilst they both continued drinking in the hotel bar till they returned back to our room in the early hours. I think you can guess what happened next between them whilst they thought I was asleep. I couldn't believe it myself. When I heard it I was disgusted and tried to make some shuffling noises in my bed hoping to embarrass them into stopping. When they didn't, I got up to go to the bathroom. I was so angry/shocked/disgusted/humilated. When I returned I couldn't believe it when 2 mins later - yup they attempted the shinagagans AGAIN. This time I ran back to the bathroom for half hour hoping at least they finish their business as I certainly didn't want to listen to it. When I came back to the room they had falled asleep, but I just couldn't. Mind racing and all that. A while later he woke up and started to attempt another go with BF. By this point I had enough - I got up and announced I was having my shower and getting up(it was 5.45am - so much for looking forward to my lie in). I just couldn't face it anymore.

That morning, before I left, BF and I couldn't talk about it or bring up the subject. She at least looked awkward about it (I think she was hoping I didn't hear them) - but what made me furious was when I saw her dp, he looked so damn smug. That made me think that he had probably got off on the whole idea of me being in the room at the time which made my skin crawl.

I ended up emailing her this morning - one where I said I didn't appreciate their behaviour and to never put me in that position again. She has emailed me back and apologised now.

The thing is this - even with the apology I'm still hopping mad about the situation. I dunno, perhaps I'm being all straight laced about it - but it has really upset me and every time I think about it it makes me cringe. I told my dh but he was being all blokey about it - although he did admit it was out of order.

I know I should put this behind me and move on -after all it is now in the open and she has apologised. My BF and I have been together for ages - she's like a sister to me. I don't want this to come between us - but I really do feel like screaming about it, embarrassing her in front of her friends etc(although I couldn't do this).

Sorry this post is so long. But I just can't help thinking about it, and I guess this is really hurting. I appreciate you mumsnetters reading this - I too wanted to rant and rave to help me get this off my chest and come to terms with it

Concerned - yes I did hear from her, eventually. She wrote a long email saying (in the most face saving way) 'sorry'. Haven't felt up to seeing her yet, though have exchanged a couple of texts...
Dazed & Confused - poor you! That sounds awful. I would be feeling just as angry and sickened as you are. Just hang on in there, she knows how you feel and obviously is embarrassed and feeling dreadful, so the best thing (I think) is for you to let a little time pass. Hopefully then you'll start to feel a little less p-ed off and can discuss it more rationally. She is obviously a really good mate, so don't let it spoil your friendship. And remember - she was probably very, very drunk and you don't really make rational decisions when under the influence...

DazednConfused - sorry that this has upset you but, really, if your mate and her partner are living at her mum's in SEPARATE bedrooms, you can't really blame them for taking advantage of the situation!!!! She has had the grace to apologise.

OK they were drunk - and I guess it was inevitable. What I was dissapointed about was that they felt they had to do it whilst I was in the same room and they were prob even getting a bit of a kick out of it. I thought by going to the bathroom it would have given them the hint that I was in fact awake - but they chose to resume relations as it were when I returned to the bedroom.

Also at the end of the day I thought I was doing BF a favour by letting her dp stay - I didn't have to make that offer. I was leaving anyway early in the morning - so I had assumed they would have waited a few hours later until I'd gone.

But as Cha says you don't make rational descisions when you're drunk. Not that I think too much drinking is an valid excuse in its own right.

However - I'm glad I managed to talk it over with my BF yesterday. At the end of the day she's a good mate but I wanted to let her how I felt. She actually said she was glad I brought it up too. I know it will get better in time - but I really really didn't like being there in the middle of an act which I think at the end of the day is pretty personal. I'll make sure I never put myself in that situation again. (I guess in a bizarre sense its even funny).

Cha - I hope it works out with your mate.