Motherhood is hell

[Janos]

I really liked this article - I thought it was honest and refreshing.

What it's really like being a mum..

Managed to read it while my baby son was having a nap

kama but at antenatal depression

I think the article from Nadia rings true with me.You have all this attention when you are pregnant especially i found with your first baby then all the gifts and attention afterwards for the first week,dh had time off was wonderful.Then bang,dh goes back to work and for me having lost my parents a few years ago and dh parents living in Ireland no close network of friends your on your own.I was living in a cottage in a rural area,i could not drive and that for me was a big mistake deciding to move somewhere like that. looking back i think that contributed to my pnd.
Not everyone has a good support network and i think being a mother is the hardest ,no pay job you could ever do.

I found motherhood hell - so, in a way, I do agree with that article but, as trefusis says, in the context of having had PND. I think it's hard for everyone but, without PND, I think it's easier to adjust and there is joy to be found in your situation.

With ds1 I think it was a combination of a hormonal/chemical inbalance and the psychological impact of being utterly unprepared for the reality of having a baby; I was knocked sideways by the sleep deprivation, was frightened of my baby, had no idea how to do anything, was pertified to be alone with him, hated it when he cried etc. So it was hell and it remained hell for a long time - didn't really start to feel human again 'til he had turned two.

I don't think there is a conspiracy of silence these days. I think it's more a case of pre-baby mass denial! People told me how hard it would be, how tired I would be, how I would wonder what I had done with my time before. I was totally dismissive. Not because I didn't believe them but because I couldn't believe them. You can't grasp it 'til you've done it.

And I don't believe, as the article seems to imply, that it's only career high-fliers that find it hard. I worked but I wouldn't describe myself as a successful career woman. I don't believe that lessened the impact of the shock I went into upon having my first baby. Implication seems to be if you had a crap, boring, mundane job before you'll take to motherhood like a duck to water

Interesting article though - and I particularly liked the celeb mums bit. When I was in the depths of PND I read a Radio Times article with Imelda Staunton who had suffered terrible PND after the birth of her daughter - she said there had been times when she wished her dd would die so they could be sad for a bit then get back to normal. Her bravery in admitting those feelings helped me so much.

How funny I was at school with Antonia Feuchtwanger and her brother was a good friend of mine!

I found it hard too, not as hard as this lot though!

Marthamoo, you've put it much better than I did, thanks! Much of what you said rings true for me.

I was very naive about what it would be like. With the PND my experience was undoubtedly worse than it would have been otherwise, but ds was a horrible sleeper and the sleep deprivation for 6+ months was the worst thing I had ever experience. I read a really great book (that I wish I had read while pregnant) called The Mask of Motherhood that really tells it straight.

I'm one of those (and please no-one take offence, I've got my tongue in my cheek and I know it's different for everyone etc) who, now I have a four and a two year old, who are stroppy, obstreporous (?sp), vocal, demanding, downright rude, take me for granted, refuse to do anyone when I ask them, and need taking to school, ballet, swimming, etc etc kind of switch off when people tell me how hard it is having one, especially a baby. I had a wonderful time on maternity leave with dd1. Life was easy, if she cried she was hungry or tired, hot or cold. She was never rude! I never felt angry with her. I was very lucky, she was such an easy baby, and I took to breast-feeding very easily and met some nice mums, so I just kind of lunched while she munched. It was top.(and just in case, let me repeat, I know it's different for everyone, and although I kind of switch off, I do have some sympathy, just not, I guess, empathy)

You're lucky, hatsoff. I've got an objectionable 7 year old and a typically demanding three year old. I'm tearing my hair out by bedtime on a regular basis. But I wouldn't go back to baby days for anything. Ds1's babyhood, in particular, was the lowest point of my life.

I think she is right in that a lot of focus is on The Birth, and not on what comes next. We had a good antenatal class where we explored what sort of parents we wanted to be and what we wanted our children's memories of us to be, but I'm not sure this is common. After all you change nappies for a few years, and after a few nappies you have cracked it, but there is more to it than that.

now marthamoo - I guess I wouldn't switch off with you - coz you know what the more grown up bit's like as well, iyswim, so you've got a comparison. I'd go back to one-baby days like a shot, if I could. As I said, everyone's different. I just get this feeling when talking to someone with one (tbh, whether they're waxing lyrical about it, or saying how hard it is), of "just you wait". I would never dream of saying it of course!

ah hatsoff you're my virtual twin. For me the baby days have been kind of breezy and easy. I remember the baby days with ds1 as being the best of my life. Even ds3 is a dream really. I think I felt busy when ds1 was a baby but not sure why. i guess its the loss of being able to polan when you want to do something iyswim.

However I am in big payback time now. DS1 (almost 6, non-verbal autistic) has spent the morning trying to throw the hoover over the stairs, in between dragging it to various places round the house to admire it. Being able to switch off is a life saving skill. Otherwise I would probably spend 80% of my time in hell!

I do think that the first 6 or so weeks of a baby's life are incredibly hard and I haven't found them much fun with any of my children. No one tells you that the first few weeks can be quite miserable really. I hadn't realised how tired I'd feel, how much pain I'd be in after childbirth and how overwhelming having a new baby can be. I still feel that with my fourth child. It is only now (she is 8 weeks old) that I feel more able to cope.

I was incredibly miserable the first couple of months of DS's life and didn't enjoy maternity leave at all. I think it makes a huge difference if you have a baby who sleeps well (mine didn't), family close by (I didn't) and friends going through the same thing (I didn't). It's a few months off yet, but I approach my second maternity leave with very mixed feelings. Surely it must be better than last time?

Pollyanna - I agree totoally that no-one ever mentions how you might be in pain AFTER you give birth. I was totally unprepared for how long I would bleed for (perhaps the advice to pack one pack of maternity pads was what misled me )and for how long my stitches would give me grief and prevent me walking great distances. These things can contribute to some of the misery during the first few weeks.

my friends were so shocked when both myself and dd announced weeks after dd's birth that we thought it was incredibly hard and wer'nt enjoying it one bit!!, shock horror, we broke the long time secret taboo!, people used to say that they didnt dare bring dd up with dd as he looked like he would burst out crying!!!
shame all those people 'could see' and were told how hard we found it, but none of them ever really offered us any help.

tips:
once baby born=
1.tell everyone to stay away for at least a week once your out of hosp(they can kick them out when visiting ends)
2.really, really, important..do sleep when baby sleeps....i thought i was wonder woman and as result am on umpteenth type of ad's
3.grab every single bit of help you can..cleaning, shopping, taking baby out/looking after baby in while you sleep(and dont be tempted to take this time to clean!)
4.TALK..to your dp/dh, this is the hardest thing ever and you need to both come through it together
5. make sure you get your own time every single day(even just 1/2 hour soak in bath), in a few months time you wish you set this precident when you dont get a minute to yourself cos everyone thinks'you can manage'
6.get out!!fresh air works wonders for us and babies, helps clear our foggy heads!

'dd up with dp' i meant

I could have written this article. Like Lou I don't consider myself a 'natural' at the motherhood thing, although I like to think that I give it my best shot, and of course like any other mum would give my life for my children.

I found the first couple of months hell too. I'd been ttc for 18 months & desperately wanted this precious little girl, but the reality was non-stop screaming She wouldn't sleep in the day & we had no heating so I was stuck in one room with her, she screamed solidly from 4pm to 6 pm every evening & she woke up every time I tried to get to sleep. I didn't expect it to be so hard, nor did I realise the effect of many sleepless nights.. before you have kids you just don't realise how awful it is to be woken up over and over and over again.

Then she would sit for hours with visiting elderly relatives, good as gold, just to start up the screaming with me later. I felt she hated me. (When MIL crooned "who could hurt 'em" I actually wanted to punch her on the nose )

Add the afterpains, the bleeding, the stitches & the sore nipples & it's a wonder babies survive their first few weeks!