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Original poster

My Mum watches the kids 2 days a week, but has just applyed for F/T Job!!

64 replies

Toothache · 03/03/2005 09:47

Am I being unreasonable?? She offered to watch dd on a Thursday (ds is in preschool nursery) and dd & ds on a Friday, when I was deciding to come back to work after Mat Leave. This means ds in only in 2 days ( gets a discount coz he's 3.5) and dd is only in 1 day. That was paramount in deciding what hours I had to work. I now work a 4 day week.

My Mum has fallen out with her coleagues (petty argument about a night out) and has had an interview for a job. She didn't even mention that if she took it she wouldn't be able towatch the kids!!! I aksed her yesterday and she said that if she got the job then she would be fulltime.

She didn't even think about the fact that not only can I not afford to put the kids in an extra 2 days (extra £300 a month), but dd is already on a loooooooong waiting list for more days coz the babyroom only takes 5, so I probably will have to give up work!!

As I am the main earner, this will be devastating finacially for us.

All because she has fallen out with a few women for going on a night out without her.
I am so scared and angry but have no idea what I can do. Am I being selfish to expect my Mum to watch them when she said she would? She has never mentioned anything about it being a temporary arrangement.

...also it looks like from what I've heard today, that she will be offered the job and start in 2 weeks time.

OP posts:
tiptop · 03/03/2005 11:05

Good luck with it all!

Original poster
Toothache · 03/03/2005 11:28

Thanks Tiptop.

Just heard back from Nursery and it isn't an option as there is space for ds but not dd.
Couldn't have afforded it, but it may have been an option for the next 2 or 3 wks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toothache · 04/03/2005 07:46

Well she got the job.

She dropped off dd last night and got a call from my brother to tell her she was to phone the woman right away. So she phoned from my phone and came off the phone expecting me to be pleased for her. I just went upstairs and sat in the bathroom trying not to cry.

I am working with my Dad at the moment and he picked me up this morning and went on a rant about the fact that MY kids were MY responsibility and that he doesn't want to hear another word about how her job affects me. He went on to say that he had had 4 kids and Mum didn't have any help (yeah but my Mum was a SAHM through choice!). He said the only person thats put me in this position is me and that I shouldn't have had kids if I couldn't afford them.

I tried to explain that my Mum had offered to watch them to let me return to work. She had said I could rely on her. 6 weeks later all this!?! He said I was lying and Mum had told him she'd never offered...... I had asked. That ISN'T how it happened.

So now I'm a liar, I'm selfish and irresponsible for putting myself in this situation.

What the fu** can I do? I'm at work.... Dad is here too. All I want to do is go home and cry.

OP posts:
Cod · 04/03/2005 07:49

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Toothache · 04/03/2005 08:02

Incidentally she starts on 22nd March and has no idea what her shifts will be. She says she'll try to get a Friday off to watch them at least one day. But according to what my Dad said this morning she has no intention of trying to get a Friday off.

I just don't know who to believe. Mum and Dad are constantly lying anyway.

I just want to run away.

OP posts:
Keane · 04/03/2005 08:15

I am going to go against what everyone else has said, sorry. Dont want to cause a rucuss but it is your Mum's life and if she wants to take a job she can, even if she doesnt need the money. She is still the kids Grandma and isnt being un-grandmaly by not looking after them whilst you work

I feel for you toothache, as you need to work and it must be hard having no way of affording the childcare. Would a childminder not be cheaper? What would you have done if your Mum hadnt of offered in the first place? Did you ask her before you got pregnant>?

lockets · 04/03/2005 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Toothache · 04/03/2005 08:20

Keane - That isn't my point!! My point is when I was deciding to go back to work sooner than need be, she said and I quote" You can rely on me, I'll watch them 1 and a half days a week to allow you to do this". Am I a bad person for expecting that arrangement to last more than 6 weeks??? Am I unreasonable to expect her to be more reliable than that? I can't actually believe that I have just been told again that it's my Mums life. I KNOW THAT!! Then she shouldn't have allowed me to rely upon her if she was not planning on sticking with the arrangements made.

I have done nothing wrong here. I haven't asked my Mum not to take the job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toothache · 04/03/2005 08:21

Well lockets the way I'm feeling right now she'll never have to 'burden' herself like that again.

OP posts:
Keane · 04/03/2005 08:23

what was you going to do if she hadnt offered though?

Keane · 04/03/2005 08:24

oh I see you were going to take longer maternity leave?

batters · 04/03/2005 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Toothache · 04/03/2005 08:32

DH would have set his shifts differently... we would have got the kids on a waiting list for Nursery that had more days available than just a Monday for dd. And I would have gone back to work a bit later.... and possibly back fulltime. We would have had the time to sort this out. Dd's waiting list is still at least a couple fo months long so we'll have have to move them again.

We 'd have worked something out.... my disappointment is with the fact that my Mum clearly didn't see this as a long term arrangement and although she realised the committment, she put no importance on it.

OP posts:
soapbox · 04/03/2005 08:47

Toothache - first of all I want to say how sorry I am about all this. Those of us who work outside the home are always vulnerable in the childcare area and it just adds to the stresses of juggling when things go wrong.

A few random ideas below:

Have you had any response about working tax credits yet? Can you find a childminder just to patch up the nursery cover until the nursery place for the extra days becomes available?

It seems to me that you might just have to get by and suspend clearing the debts until September when your DH starts the management job. Looking at your take home pay vs childcare costs, it still seems that you are quite a bit better of from working than being at home, so you may just have to view this as a blip for now.

Is your mum always as flighty as this?

I do take the point that some others have made that her life is her own etc etc etc, but she had made a committment to you and the least she could have done was to chat this all through with you prior to changing her work arrangements.

I wonder whether Locket hasn't hit the nail on the head - maybe she found looking after 2 littlies far more stressful that she remembered and she's looking for a way out of the arrangement

Take care - try not to stress too much about it -
you will get through this

Original poster
Toothache · 04/03/2005 08:51

Batters - You have summed it up perfectly.

No I can't rely on her to keep to arrangements and I just can't risk being put in this position again. In hindsight I should never have believed her anyway when she said I could rely on her..... I can't normally.

I've learned a harsh lesson. I just wish it could have been when I wasn't going through so much sh*t with my marriage too. Perhaps I would be more focussed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toothache · 04/03/2005 08:53

Soapbox - We heard yesterday from the tax credits that they are stopping them as I'm back at work. The new assessment next month should reduce our payments from £250 to £50 per month.

OP posts:
soapbox · 04/03/2005 08:58

Toothache - just when you think it can't get any worse

Are you sure that will still be the case when your childcare costs rise - I thought childcare was one of the factors they took into consideration??

Original poster
Toothache · 04/03/2005 09:04

Soapbox - Maybe, but I don't think it'll make that much of a difference. I'm not feeling very optimistic right now. I really just don't want to face any of it.... just curl up in a corner and scream. But I can't.

OP posts:
Reethi · 04/03/2005 09:06

Good luck Toothache, I hope it works out for you.

I know how hard it is to manage financially. I am currently on maternity leave and we have had to change our mortgage to an interest only mortgage. When I go back to work, I will only be left with £400 after child care costs, changing our mortgage back to standard rates will be an extra £300 which will only leave £100 per month for groceries, clothes for the family and birthday prezzies etc.

I have heard many comments made from our parents generation such as 'You should not go in for kids if you can't afford them'. When it is not that simple, I am in my thirties and if you cannot afford them now, when can you? It was easier in our parents day they all bought their houses for 50p and had extended families living on their doorstep who could look after the children. Now everyone works full time and we are much more on our own.

Anyway, thats my rant of the day. I hope things sort themselves out.

Original poster
Toothache · 04/03/2005 09:12

Reethi - That's exactly it. My Dad has had 4 kids but hasn't looked after any of us. He never changed a nappy, never even watched us for a few hours while my Mum went out. So how the fu** would he know what it's like.

My parents seem to have hurting me down to a fine art. 80% of my life I've just wanted them to disappear forever.

OP posts:
MancMum · 04/03/2005 09:40

Toothache, I just want to give you a huge hug and say I think your mother is completely and utterly out of order doing what she is... an agreement to look after kids should be honoured and she must be aware of the chaos and stress this is causing you... I have no new advice to give you on sorting it out but I think I would put a large amount of distance between you and your parents for a while... they need to see that they have really hurt you and that they can not just make flaky promises to you .... guess I am a bitch but we would not put up with this treatment from friends...

flashingnose · 04/03/2005 09:55

Are there any friends locally who would be able to help you out in an unofficial capacity until you work out what to do?

flashingnose · 04/03/2005 10:03

I'm really sorry btw

Original poster
Toothache · 04/03/2005 10:05

Flashingnose - Unfortunately not. And most of my friends are childless.... I love them all to bits but I wouldn't trust them to look after my goldfish.

My Mum just phoned me at work as DH had had a word with her about what my Dad had said to me this morning. She said that Dad was lying and she was going to try her best to make this easier for me. (HOW?). Apparently my Dad is just sh*t-stirring. That's the mess my relationship is with my parents.... they actually stir things up with me and upset me on behalf of the other one, just like they're hating each other by proxy. It's wrong and sad.

OP posts:
shimmy21 · 04/03/2005 10:24

OMG you poor poor thing. I would be furious if I were you. Your mum's and dad's behaviour is totally unreasonable They must realise how difficult childcare is to find with you telling them about the nursery waiting list.

but don't waste your energy on them (they sound a bit attention seeking if you don't mind me saying). And now you need to get yourself sorted. Go for the childminder option - it's much cheaper than a nursery and not necessarily worse. IME a childminder can be better for younger preschoolers as they provide a more family environment and they can often fit around preschools etc. On the bright side you will be removing your reliance on your parents so they will have no way of manipulating you or getting at each other through you. You'll have a business relationship with your childminder so they will be much less likely to leave you in the lurch than your mum. Your dad wont be able to snipe about you being irresponsible and you'll probably have more flexibility than you did when your mum was looking after them. It will be OK and you will end up in a better situation for everyone. Now get ringing those childminders and asking friends for recommendations.

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