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Original poster

Friend has put us in a rather awkward situation ... wwyd?

37 replies

ghosty · 05/10/2008 01:38

Yesterday we went to our friend's DD's 5th birthday party. We have known this family since we moved to Australia 18 months ago and we get on really well (same age kids etc). They are lovely, bit eccentric in a nice loony way, which I love.
For a long time she has been talking about all her other friends and "Oh, you must meet so and so, she's just lovely, you will get on like a house on fire" and "I can't wait for you to meet X and Y, he's from England too and you will love them" etc etc.
So yesterday, at the birthday party, she introduces me to 'Sue' (made up name) with a "This is Sue, do you remember I've told you about her, her husband is from England too etc etc" and so 'Sue' said, "Oh yes, I've been dying to meet you, I've heard all about you blah blah".
So Sue and I hit it off with lots of chats etc and she introduces me to her DH who seems lovely, we get cosy with my DH and share bottle of wine and all is a bundle of laughs. When we left we exchanged phone numbers and DH and I suggest that in a couple of weeks we will have a BBQ and invite them and our mutual friends over for a get together.
As I said goodbye to my friend and her DH I told them that was the plan and they reacted a bit strangely about it (faces falling and some, "Ah, yes, maybe, possibly" type stuff). I thought it odd but didn't think much more of it until this morning my friend rang up at 8.30am (on a Sunday ) to 'fill me in' on 'Sue' and her husband and that actually they have pretty much fallen out and I need to know that they won't be able to come to a BBQ with them . So I have stumbled on some politics and I hate politics!
I asked my friend why she invited 'Sue' and her DH to her DD's party and why did she introduce me if they are that bad ... she mumbled something about the fact they go a long way back and couldn't NOT invite them.
WWYD?
What will I do if 'Sue' rings me?
[pissed off emoticon]
Gah!

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twinsetandpearls · 05/10/2008 01:43

Can't you have the barbecue and just invite "Sue" and her husband and accept that any friendship will be separate from your frienship with your other friend

ScummyMummy · 05/10/2008 01:46

Oh dear!

I'd leave Sue out of anything you're inviting your original friend to but if you like her have her family over separately- say you had too many people coming if Sue asks why she wasn't invited to the BBQ?

Original poster
ghosty · 05/10/2008 01:46

Yes I probably would do that twinset (I really did like 'sue' and her DH seemed fab) but this morning my friend was gossipy and not that nice about them and kind of did a 'You need to know they are not very nice' type thing ...
I felt v awkward

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ScummyMummy · 05/10/2008 01:47

Maybe they'll make up again? [hopeful]

Original poster
ghosty · 05/10/2008 01:48

Thanks scummy ...
yes, separate is the thing I think.

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twinsetandpearls · 05/10/2008 01:48

Did she say what was not nice about them. Seems very odd to invite people she doesn;t really like. I would feel uneasy that your orginal friend was not inviting you to things and then bitching about you,

ScummyMummy · 05/10/2008 01:49

Do you think older friend felt a bit jealous that you had instant rapport with Sue?

Original poster
ghosty · 05/10/2008 01:50

I think I felt annoyed with my friend because she knows that I will go out of my way to be friendly to people and she introduced us with "I know you will get on" and then turned it around with "Actually they aren't that nice" ...
Very odd.

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twinsetandpearls · 05/10/2008 01:53

It is a bit odd, why say " I know you will get on" to a friend (you) about someone she does not like.

Original poster
ghosty · 05/10/2008 01:54

Hmm, she could have been jealous I suppose but she hasn't shown me a jealous side before ... she is very kind and generous in many ways so I haven't seen a jealous streak.
She said that "Sue" has become very self absorbed in the last couple of years and often cancels arrangements and when they get together as couples she and her DH are very absorbed in eachother and not that much part of a group ...
I said to my friend that maybe behind closed doors Sue and her DH are going through some issues and are just finding eachother again ... or something like that, to illustrate that she may not know the full story (this is probably seeming a bit garbled to you though) and that maybe they are not being that reliable to her because of personal stuff they are not prepared to share.

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Original poster
ghosty · 05/10/2008 01:56

Yes, twinset, I think that is why I am a bit annoyed ... what does that say about what she thinks of me?

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Original poster
ghosty · 05/10/2008 01:59

I have noticed my friend takes it very personally if people aren't 'on form' and if I have been not 100% when we are together she will call me and ask if it is anything she has done .... so I think she is pissed off with her friends that they have let her down without thinking of maybe why they may have become 'self absorbed'
I bet none of this makes sense to you though ... lol, you don't know them ...
thanks for listenign though

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ScummyMummy · 05/10/2008 02:05

Makes perfect sense and sounds like a bit of a minefield. I would find the older friend's sensitive/insecure me me me streak very annoying, I suspect. I guess all you can do is play it by ear.

Original poster
ghosty · 05/10/2008 02:09

Thanks scummy (nice to 'see' you btw)
Yes, I guess she is a bit self absorbed herself, reading that back.
Definitely the downside of moving around so much is that you are always meeting people (the upside) but over time you find that everyone has ishoos and you have to adjust to that.
Ho hum.

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ScummyMummy · 05/10/2008 02:15

And you.
Sorry- prob a bit negative about older friend- she sounds lovely in other ways! She sounds a bit like a ex-friend of mine though!. Said friend has stopped speaking to me entirely for unknown crime. Suspect it was me being scatty and busy and her taking it personally in just that sort of way.

MrsJohnCusack · 05/10/2008 02:54

Oh dear
HOw odd
it doesn't even sound like there's a particular reason they've fallen out. why on EARTH did she introduce you and then ring at sparrowsfart this morning?

is she jealous that you got on? so strange.
if you got on really well with 'Sue' (is she a friend of Debs ) then I see no reason you shouldn't pursue that friendship and older friend will just have to put up with it. If she can cope with having you all at a barbeque then she can cope with you all seeing each other elsewhere IMO

eidsvold · 05/10/2008 06:30

i am with mrs JC - is it possible that she was surprised at how well you got on and now thinks perhaps she should not have introduced you.

I would meet up with new friend BUT not have old friend and if she asks tell her that she put you in a difficult position and as she had said they were not getting along - you did not feel you could put them in an awkward situation by inviting them/her.

very strange.

ILovePudding · 05/10/2008 07:06

I would still invite everybody to a bbq. If your friend declines, and Sue asks why, you can just be vague and say that they had other plans.

18 months is still new enough to be establishing a reliable circle of friends, I would try and remain neutral and remain friendly with as many people as possible. You should be allowed to make your own mind up who you like and don't like - it isn't up to your friend to decide for you.

Original poster
ghosty · 05/10/2008 08:34

Yes, I was thinking that too IlovePudding ... 18 months is still relatively new ... hmm
Had a lovely text from Sue today saying how nice it was to meet us and she'd love to catch up soon. Hmm.

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Tinkerbel6 · 05/10/2008 10:09

ghosty I have been to OZ twice in the last couple of years to visit my friend and each time I have sat for hours with a coffee listening to her and her friends politics, I felt it quiet draining and even something like a netball match had people squabbling.

Tinkerbel6 · 05/10/2008 10:10

Forgot to say meet up with sue, but take what each of them say with a pinch of salt, stay neutral.

Liffey · 05/10/2008 10:15

I think that you made the friendship in good faith, although how you can make a friendship in bad faith I don't know!

Ask as little as possible about the falling out. (which, if they've known eachother that long, may yet be patched up eventually)

Your thousands of miles from home and you clicked with this woman.

I think you should try to be friends with both of them. Totally neutral on the fence, you are Switzerland.

Liffey · 05/10/2008 10:20

PS, I think your original friend feels the ground crumbling beneath her and is jealous.

Maybe give her the chance to be gracious.. Sigh and say life is so much easier when everybody likes eachother and gets on and everybody can all go out in a big group because more is merrier. She probably feels threatened. That she's the one who'll be cut out of the loop. Don't make it sound like a lecture, but ask her casually as though you're really interested.

snigger · 05/10/2008 10:41

We have a friend who moved here from Dubai, and her stance is strict in it's neutrality - any politics, she hold her hands up and says "Well, I appreciate your take on it, but I'm still new here and can't afford to close doors on anyone" - she refuses to do anything but fence-sit, and we are all between outright admiration and irkedness at how it shows up our gossipyness

It's been good tho - we all know her, and she keeps the same line with all so we utterly respect her for that. If you're strong enough, it should work out in time, but IKWYM, who needs it?

Original poster
ghosty · 05/10/2008 12:12

"I am Switzerland"
"I am Switzerland"
"I am Switzerland"

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