Sibling or private school ???

[mummyloveslucy]

I have a 3.5 year old daughter and I always asumed she would be an only child as I was soo ill when I was pregnant.
She is at a private nursery and really enjoying it, I had hoped she would stay at the school. I've just been thinking recently, would my daughter be missing out not having a sibling?
We live in an area where there are not many children and we don't have any friends with children either.
If she had a sibling then she would have to come out of her private school, but they could both have hobbies, music lesons, stage coach etc.
I can't emagine my daughter being an older only child but I can't emagine myself going through all that torture again either.
What do you think ?

Thanks Cathpot.

No, they just know her. As I've stated before.
Of corse I'd love my second child. It's just impossible to considder loving another one as much as dd. I know I would though.

That is sweet that they interprite what that boy is saying.
I know children are children wherever you go. I know some children in private who are as miserable as sin.

Or option 3, move house where there are lots of kids round about.

You are being rather analytical over this. If she doesn't have a sibling, she won't really 'miss out' you know

I'm so sorry, mummyloveslucy - I just can't get it out of my head. I should have kept my mouth shut though. Forgive me.

I understand about not loving a second one as much - but you do. And watching two children interacting and loving each other is the closest thing to heaven you will ever experience. And the first time your dd says "we" and you realize she means her and her sibling is the most wonderful feeling in the world.

Mine fell asleep in a tangle on a beanbag watching the Olympics last night. I thought I would explode, I loved them so much! And I had a precious only daughter for 5 years before ds came along to complete our family.

I cant believe I am the only one whose main motivation was to give my first child a family to grow up with and support for her when we get old and crusty. OF course it was, she was the only child I knew and loved at that point, it was all about what was going to be best for her. That says nothing about how fiercely I love my second child now, but if there were no (in my opinion) downsides to having an only child I would not have had a second. I am not wild about the baby stage of childhood so I would never have had a second to get a second crack that the new born thing- and I do have friends who have done that. There are obviously good and bad points about all of this. If DD1 had stayed an only child our lives would be hugely different by now and she is only 3.5. We would have (slightly) more money, she would have my undivided attention all day as she used to, not just in the hour when her sister is napping. However, long term, I think she will be better off, even though short term with her mother exhausted, she clearly wasnt.Having said all this of course I wouldnt want the OP to make a decision based on this chat, its clearly her child her family her decision. Now I'm interested to know if I am abhorent freak mother. Reaaly really should be mother asleep in bed though..

Oh, o.k.

That makes it sound like the loveliness that is my DD2 doesnt enter into the equation, of course now her happiness is just as important, but at the point I amde a decision about having another baby she did not exist so I wasnt focussed on the imaginary baby we might have, rather the real one we already had.

Thanks cathpot. I'm going to bed now too. There will be at least a 4 year age gap anyway. My daughter will be at school by then.
I can give baby loads of one to one during the day then hopfully he/she will have a nap when my daughter comes out of school.
The important thing is, I'll be there for them both in the early years. I won't have to work 4 nights a week and sleep most of the day to afford private school.

Good Night x

Cathpot, like you I always intended on having a DC2 just so my DD1 could have a sibling. Just assumed I would have a second because it is the done thing. I was also aware of a divorced only child friend who said to me 'when my parents die, I've got no-one' and I thought that so sad. That was part of my decision to have a second. That said, I love DD2 soooo much now. She is so special to me that I'm 100% glad I had her.

Sorry mll, my post last night was rather aggressive, not sure why, but I had my ranty head on.

Yes they are sweet to translate for the little boy, my DS1 had speech problems in reception as well and AFAIK was never teased. Children can be very protective of anyone in their peer group they see as vulnerable IME, rather than nasty to them, so please don?t worry about yr DD wherever she goes to school.

I do think this is very much a decision you need to make tho. I always wanted lots of children, and I think they are happy to have their siblings, but plenty of people have only children and all are happy. There are plus points and minus points, as with anything, but you need to know you want another child. Please don?t feel pushed into sthg you don?t want just because o fpeer pressure or other people?s nasty comment (inc mine )

I think you're confusing several issues. The private school, the speech disorder (and possible coordination issues) which may or may not be long term and could have an influence as to whether the private school is ideal anyway, your finances (since you've already said elsehwere that it is going to be a struggle to keep her there long term even now) and whether your family unit is complete woth one child.

Any potential SEN does not have a direct influence on whether she/you would benefit from having a sibling for example in the same way as finances do the private school. You need to resolve priorities in your/dh's mind and whether you really want another child. Then you can look at the various implications and investigate to help your decisions (for me the SEN would be a priority as until you know the extent you probably can't/won't make a decision on the school). Although I can see for you the two would be mutually exclusive it just isn't as simplistic a choice as the OP suggests.

in the long run, there's far more likely to be other children with speech/language problems at state schools than private (as private schools can cherrypick their pupils), so if your DD has continuing problems then would have thought that she would stand out less than at private school anyway.

I agree with Lizs about too many issues. I think the key issue is whether you want another child. Then look at everything else.

Have been gently pondering this issue. My DH is one of 5 and while he enjoyed having siblings around his oldest brother (and PFB) has never really got over not being an only child! ( and has himself now had, and is only having, one child). As in all these decisions individual family dynamics are the key and I agree with LIZS that the private school issue is probably slightly separate. I think you would be pleasantly surprised by the standard of most state primary schools. RE the potential age gap, I think you have to be realistic that whatever the gap the early baby/ toddler phase is hard work. Our gap is 2.4 years so it was carnage at the start but it is easier now as they are starting to play together. What are your dh's motivations for wanting another?

From my experience with state schools the reception children normally accept differences such as difficulties with speech in a matter of fact and very sweet way. It is also common to start school not knowing any of the other children in the class - simply not a big deal. I can understand you being worried about these issues but I think your fears are groundless.

I also think there is probably more prejudice in private schools due to the narrow backgrounds and limited range of attitudes there.

I think you are setting yourself up for a very big fall by having another child for the sake of the first child. I also think that you seem to have a very fearful take on life. State primary schools are not scary places and your 4 year old is not going to be bullied and terrorised in reception because of how she speaks. If you decide to send her to a state primary she will be fine.

If you decide to have no more children your dd will be just fine as an only child, you will not be depriving her. Imagine how you might feel if for instance your dd is madly jealous of the newborn, regresses with her speech as a result, you cannot spend as much time as you would like supporting her because of the baby, she never ever plays with her sibling and always resents him/her. This is certainly a possible future. Lots of siblings fight constantly and a 5 or 6 year age gap means they are likely to want to do different things, even if they happen to be the same sex.

I am wondering if you are quite isolated and perhaps a SAHM because although you seem to think that everyone thinks the same way as you I think if you spoke to more people you could allay many of your anxieties.

ok, as podrick says there are no guareentees that siblings will get on, its just if they do its a good source of support for her whole life not just her childhood. Often how you feel about siblings and their importance depends on your own experience, do you have siblings, does your DH? Clearly only children will not spend their childhood missing siblings they never had, but there probably is an argument for the life experience of having to share. I was horribly horribly jealous of my sister when she arrived and behaved alarmingly as a result, but my mum acknowledges that it was a transition handled badly, and if they could do it again things might be different. Now I am very pleased she is around. I have no experience of an age gap of 5 years, I'm sure it can go either way, some older kids would relish the chance to be 'mummy's helper' with new sibling. Again, you know your child. And again, I am tap dancing on the fence. I supposed I wanted to be supportive to OP as it is a decision other people have also wrestled with.

Thanks everyone, it's not an easy desission to make. As well as the constant throwing up every 20 mins for 5 months, there are also fertility issues too. I has to take ovulation inducing drugs to have Lucy.
My Husband says he'd love another one but worries about Lucy being jellous. He also wants her to stay at her private school.
I've said that at a state school she might get more help and if she needed extra help it would be free etc. Then both children could have hobbies and we would have a less stressfull life. He does agree.
I do think that she would be jellous at first and would regress. When we saw are friends baby for the first time, she was awful. She wanted me to hold her like a baby the whole time and she lay in my arms making baby noises.
You're right, I am quite isolated. My friend lives a long way away and I live in a rural location and don't drive.
Some of the things I post are so blatent, I couldn't talk about it face to face with anyone.

mll I do hope you find a solution to your worries.

Please go and look at some state schools - you will find they are lovely I am sure.

Where are you? Are there any MNers you could get together with in RL?

Please keep posting and talking if it's helping you clear things in your head - I know that's often how MN works for me

I think you'd find any jealousy short lived tbh as long as you don't allow any association between changing something and the presence of the sibling. So for example you'd be better off getting her established in the relevant long term education system before she sensed her life was having to change to accommodate him/her iyswim. Also it helps with a slightly older child to involve them and explain about the new sibling beforehand, obviously in an age appropriate manner. Friends failed to do this with their then almost 3 year old and it did create difficulties. They underestimated his level of understanding partly because he had speech and language issues and left him unprepared. She may regress but by the time any baby arrived she'd be more mature so you cannot assume her reaction. Some siblings will get along, others not whatever the age gap , sometimes better at times than others - no guarantees either way and it makes life interesting.

Your dh may not want to move her to the state system but you are going to have to face a decision at some point regardless of any potential sibling. In some ways I sense from recent threads you are almost seeking a vague affirmation that that is the route to explore despite your ideals for her to remain at that school. You really need to establish what L's needs are, or may be, and discuss if it is even a realistic longterm option for her, setting the financial and practical impact of a sibling aside, and this seems increasingly pressing. Have you asked for referrals yet to at least start to give you the information to discuss?

See my nickname, DS1 started state school today, so my opinion fairly obvious as well...

I am sure only children are no worse off than children with siblings, but IMO their upbringing inevitavely (sp??) will be quite different. I watch my DSs 1 and 2 and am quite certain that NO entertainment I could offer would give them as much fun, pleasure and excitement as playing with each other (oh yes, and fighting...).

As fas as not loving a further child as much as the first: love is not a finite commodity, the more you have to love, the more love you will have - does that make any sense without being too sugary-sweet?

Jealousy: yes, occasionally somebody's nose is out of joint because of perceived slights. Well, that's a life lesson, is it not: life is not always fair, sometimes other people have something oneself has not etc.

DS1 and 2 a lovely big brothers to DS3 aged 5 months: they play with him and make funny faces to make him laugh, then ignore him completely, NO jealousy at all. We had said to them when I was still pregnant that new babies are really quite boring, cannot do anything for themselves, will need mummy and awful lot just like they did when they were little. We did not constantly say (like some well meaning family members and neighbours): how exciting, you are going to have a new baby, somebody to play with etc.

So, bottome line, a resounding vote for the sibling. Private schools are all very well, but a bright child will do well at state schools and a child which may need extra support a lot of private schools are not interested in because they "spoil" the league table.

Do what feels right to you and DH.

Thanks mummyforthree, that is a brilliant way for preparing a child for a sibling. Totally honest and matter of fact. I think it's hard for children who have high expectations of a "play mate".
If the private school thinks like that about my daughter, then they don't deserve to have her there. She is a star.