My ex wouldn't get nasty letters from a solicitor for a straightforward divorce, would he?

[Pinkchampagne]

When we separated 2 years back, I was going to divorce for unreasonable behaviour, but because we sorted all finances through mediation & also because I wanted to try & escape a nasty divorce, I decided to go for the two year separation.
That two years is up now, and on Tuesday I am going back to my solicitor to start the divorce process. I thought I should let ex H know, so I pre warned him last night. He didn't react that well really & said "I better not start getting nasty letters"
He thins I would be better doing it over the internet & also mentioned my parents not having to find out!! I said "My parents will of course be finding out!"

He shouldn't get nasty letters should he? I don't want anymore from him, I'm not going to get nasty about anything, just want things fialised.
I told him he wouldn't get horrible letters & he said "You don't know what solicitors are like - you don't know how they work!"

go along!

your family are unbelievable pc

it's your business not theirs, do what you think is right

tell them if they dont butt out they will be receiving a nasty letter from the solicitor, not your h

I suspect exH has been spinning your parents the line that you are just having an aberration and won't actually go through with the divorce. If you do go ahead, he will have to backtrack on that and won't like it.

Do use a solicitor to ensure that nothing is forgotten and that all the Ts are crossed and the Is dotted.

I will feel better doing it all through my solicitor. They have got rid of legal aid now apparently, but he says I will still get it because I saw him before & they will just continue as they started off.

He won't get nasty letters unless he messes about though, will he?

I missed the fact that your bIL saw fit to refuse to enter your house...PC, how can you maintain friendllness with such an opinionated ignoran fool? I know...he;s married to your sister, but he has no right at all to have an opinion on how you handle your divorce!

I cannot imagine any reason at all why a solicitor should be anything other than netral and business-like. And he is YOUR solicitor, he won't say anyhing you don't want him to.

But Freckle is right (she alway is ) just make sure that all the crosses and dots are in place.

Good luck!

I wonder why they are all so sure that engaging someone with professional legal expertise tohandle a legal situation is per se a hostile act? They seem to take it personally.

It would be counter-productive for your solicitor to say anything in a letter which would antagonise exh. You are petitioning for a divorce on the grounds of 2 years' separation with consent. If you piss him off, he'll just withhold his consent. Ergo, your solicitor will ensure that he/she keeps things pretty neutral until at least you have your decree nisi. After that, it can be gloves off if you want, but I can't see the point as you seem to have sorted child and financial issues already.

You should be prepared in any case that exh might start to play silly buggers and not consent if he's been spinning your parents the line that you'll eventually get back together if they present a united front in refusing to acknowledge that you've moved on.

I am prepared, Freckle, that's why I think I am best having a solicitor rather than trying to do it myself.

After his flap about nasty letters etc, he said "If there was a piece of paper to sign right in front of me now, I would do it"
I think that was all talk though - he doesn't like he thought of the divorce, & you could well be right in what you say about possible reasons he doesn't want my parents to find out. I have a feeling he is giving them the impression we will end up back together one day.

PC is it really two years ? Good for you girl!

I'd deffo advocate (no pun intended!) using a solicitor but ensuring that everything remains cordial, why not after all.

I tell you what - the day you get your decree absolute through, there will be pink champagne popping in this household, and I will send you a picture to prove it!

Yes it was 2 years in June, tribpot! I have been in this house 15 months now & have been with my new man nearly a year, as our first date was 12th August last year! Time flies!

I think I will join you popping the champagne when all this is done & dusted!

Went to see my solicitor today, and my new man came with me.

We started filling out the forms & he assured me that ex H won't get any nasty letters! The only thing that may cause a bit of a problem is that we have only been in separate houses just over a year, due to ex H refusing to move out until the house sold.
I am prepared to wait until May if it comes to it, but hope to get it done asap. I have to drop my wedding certificate into them when I am next passing.

This seems to have come at the same time as DS1 getting really distressed about the whole separation & getting very upset & angry at the thought of me not living with his dad ever again.

I'm feeling a bit nervous about ex H's reaction to getting the bits through the post, although I shouldn't be. I am glad I have got the ball rolling, but worried he'll be difficult, or less willing to have boys to help me out.

PC, don't worry about not living in separate houses, DP and his exW are getting divorced on 2 years separation as we speak. They had to live together for 5/6 months after they separated due to finances, but they put that on the forms and the judge has agreed a decree nisi.

Divorce based on 2 years separation is really straightforward, no nastiness, as long as he signs the 2 sets of forms when they land on his doorstep it should be a doddle.

Why would pieces of paper formalising a situation which already exists cause any problems? From reading your previous posts he does sound like a very daft man, but surely even he could see that drawing a line under this is a good thing?

Oh I don't know - he got very anti when I mentioned it, and started flapping about receiving nasty letters, but the solicitor assured me he wouldn't get anything of the sort! I told ex H he wouldn't get anything nasty through the post as it wasn't a nasty divorce, buthe just said "You don't know solicitors!" I think I know them a lot better than him, seen as I have dealt with one & he hasn't!
I think he is just put out that I'm using one at all.

That is reassuring to hear that the living in separate houses hasn't been an issue for your ex, bratnav. I had no choice but to live in the same house for 11 months because ex H refused to move until we completed on the house move, but I had been seeing my solicitor right from the start, and he told me to stay put & not to rent as it wouldn't be in my best interest.
I really hope it is as straightforward as possible & I don't have to wait until May.

I got a letter through from my solicitor today, so I guess ex H will have received his too!

Any fallout, PC? Sorry to read on your other thread about ds1 getting so upset, I think it's highly likely exH is stirring it. And what was the point of him reassuring ds1 that he wouldn't be getting a girlfriend? He's clearly not thought through how that's going upset ds1 when he does get a girlfriend in the future.

Guess he doesn't think you've got the nerve to go through with the divorce. Fortunately for you and for your dses, you do. Think how miserable he used to make them with his control freakery. To have grown up watching you subvert your needs and thoughts to someone else and allow the same to happen to them would just have caused the cycle to repeat for another generation.

Oh I know, tribpot, I know I've done the right thing. DS1 doesn't see it like that atm though - he just wants us all living together again. It is really hard to explain to the children without causing more upset. He hasn't mentioned it for a few days now though.

Ex H got the letter and the form through from my solicitor, and he has signed it! He says he will take it down to them, so that's good news!
I said "and was the letter nasty?" and he answered "no"

I have said that I will pay the cost of the divorce if he keeps it straighforward, as it is me that wants it done.

ds1 probably thinks things will change, he doesnt realise that things will stay as they are for him, that could be why he is fretting?

maybe he thinks a divorce means he wont be able to see his dad?

He doesn't know about the divorce, lou, he has been getting himself upset because he wants us all to live together again.

do you think your family have been saying stuff, or your exh?

My family have been away - they got back Fri night - so I don't think it's them, but not sure about ex H. Ex H told me that DS1 had a bad dream that I got a boyfriend that was nasty to him. DS didn't mention this dream to me. Ex H has also told him that he doesn't have to worry about daddy getting a girlfriend because he won't!

Have just mentioned the divorce to my mum, desptite ex H not wanting them to know!

sounds like exh is dropping the odd bit of unnecessary information to your son

Lou - I agree. Think it's a bit too coincidental that right now ds1 suddenly develops this concern. And ex-H is really setting himself up for it, unless he intends to live the life of a monk, which he hasn't so far!

How did your mum take the news, PC?

yes, if anything i would have thought ds would be upset at the beginning, unless someone has been saying things to upset him and make you feel guilty

another way of making you to be the bad person, and to get you to back down

Yes, I found it a little strange that he got so upset after over a year in this house. I guess he could have taken in the nonsence ex H gave him before we moved, about us living apart so that we will one day be rich & all live together again.

My mum started by saying how she couldn't believe ex H was being so good in having the boys for me while I go away next weekend with my new man. (well not so new now - it's our one year anniversary of being together tomorrow!) She then said, well he is not your ex husband because you're not divorced, and I said "soon will be because I have been to see my solicitor to get things started."
She seemed quite taken aback, and asked what the rush was. I told her it was hardly a rush after being apart 2 years. I doubt she will mention anything to dad.