Fed Up!

[Linzoid]

Maybe this should have gone in the relationships forum, i don't know. Men AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGH
Does anyone else have a problem with emotional blackmail in the bedroom department? Well thats what i'd call it anyway!
I am really disheartened with my partner. Why do men have to be so insensitive?
After getting on really well all week (which is good for us lol) and doing the do twice in the week ( sorry for the personal details), i got news that my uncle has only 3 months to live. This kind of knocked me off balance although i tried not to be a misery about it. I have also had a few other worries recently aswell. Saturday morning my dh appeared to have had a total personality change, well he was still helping me with the kids and stuff but i was getting sharp remarks and the atmosphere was frosty to say the least. This has carried on all weekend and it's because there was no sex wednesday, thursday or friday! He says i am a lazy cow because i never gave him any!
He went to work at 5:30 am and won't be back until tomorrow night, i am SO mad with him.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH

I think that sounds awful!! Has he always been like this if he didn't 'get any'?? Or is it just since the kids arrived??

I suppose I wish my dp was a bit more keen. I have a bigger sex drive than he has, but I would NEVER dream of being narky if I didn't get serviced when required, especially if he'd just had bad news!!

I have in the past put dp on a sex ban (hee hee hee!). I find this works a treat. It can work both ways.....and he did call you a lazy cow! I think that deserves a 14 day sex ban.

I commented to DH recently, that a couple in our nursery had split up and what a shame it was, since they had two lovely children under 5.
His answer......" Well, she doesn't look the type to get the gear on very often does she", I think that is typical of how their minds work !!!

Mum2toby,
we have had problems since my first son was born 7 years ago. I had pnd( although i didn't realise at the time) and for a while i didn't feel like it very much. He made such an issue out of it that it put me off even more! I definately have a lower sex drive than him even now and sometimes i go along with it even when not in the mood just to make him happy but 3 or 4 days later if we haven't done it again he starts to make a big fuss. He's called me frigid ( which i am not) and rowed to the point of saying he's leaving (which he gets to very quickly).It's a cycle that just keeps going round and round, he says that if i initiated it more then he wouldn't have to bug me but i think that i would if he had a more relaxed attitude about it and expected it a bit less. Just the fact that i know that if i don't he will be awful makes me too angry and pressured to want sex. Sorry this is a long rant but i'm so fed up of it. What should i do? I've had loads of stupid text msgs today with him trying to justify that he's right and i have ignored them. The last one was saying that if he wasn't worth a reply or a wa*k he might aswell not bother coming home!
Oh god, i've really aired my laundry in public now haven't i!

I'd tell him not to bother coming home. His behaviour is outrageous - I am getting v. angry on your behalf. Sex is not a right that comes along with the wedding rings. He is subjecting you to terrible emotional blackmail so that he can get his end away and it is NOT ON.

You need to break the cycle - as you realise, if you didn't feel so pressured into having sex, you would probably want it more. Would he consider counselling? Would you?

Well i'm glad some of you would feel like i do. After reading virgo's post i sort of thought maybe i was wrong or overreacting. I have thought of us going to counselling. I think he maybe takes it as a personal insult when i refuse, maybe a bit insecure. I have heard of relate, is this a good place to go? How much does it cost? anyone?

I have a higher sex drive then my dh, and if i make advances and he turns me down, i do get a nark on and can sulk for quite a while. Saying that he doesn't say no often and when he does, it just a matter of getting him in the mood, i think that sex is a big part of marriage, and does come with an understanding with the wedding rings, saying that does he try to get you in the mood, i mean if his idea of foreplay is 'how about it love' then i can see why you are not in the mood. saying that i think his timing on this ocassion was bang out of order.

happydays lol, bet that sounded so much better in your head.

Yes it did, i read my post in horror. Must preview next time.

Blimey Linzoid I don't know how you managed to last 7 years with that sort of behaviour from him. Sorry, but he sounds like an immature bully. If he had any understanding of you he would be asking you why you felt like you did and what could he do to help, not putting you down and calling you names. I agree with Prufrock, tell him not to come home. I know you no doubt love him, but that doesn't mean putting up with behaviour like his.

What an insensitive twat! Does the man not have hands? Can't he service himself if it's that much of an issue?

Slug, exactly what i would of said 'maybe not that way though; lol

I don't think sex is the issue here. I think the real issue is that he's SO RUDE to you! No wonder you don't fancy sex with someone who calls you names and is so horrible to be with. Yes, sex is important etc etc but who wants to have sex with someone who oozes contempt for you? What kind of idiot would want to have sex with someone in these circumstances - clearly not you Linzoid! Does he not realise that when he calls you names and is cruel and dismissive he reduces his chance of sex instead of increasing it? If not, it's about time you told him. I really don't know what else to say.

Linzoid I can't get past the fact he calls you a lazy cow. That is indefensible.
Your uncle is dying. You have every right to be "a misery" about it, and your husband should be supporting you in however you want to express your feelings( or not)

Just how insensitive does anyone have to be to thik the way to get sex is to bully and humiliate their partner?

Does he have any good points?
Sorry if I am speaking out of turn.

I'm with Slug on this one.

When will men learn that women don't have a magic on/off switch and need to feel loved and wanted before we can even consider sex. If I don't feel special I don't feel sexy and if I don't feel sexy then there's no way that I can be passionate. Unfortunately this soon becomes an issue and the more of an issue it becomes, the less you feel like doing it anyway and so the vicious circle continues. We all know where men keep their brains and without regular exercise they must just go steadily demented.

Totally agree with slug by the way.

I think that some men feel that if you dont want sex with them then you cant love them. Whilst we women know thats not the case its like banging your head on a brick wall trying to explain to them. He is being very insensitive and the more pressure he puts on you the less you will feel like having sex.

Does he show you affection other than when he wants sex. If not suggest that if he showed you more affection out of bed you may in time be able to start to show him more affection in it (thats not meant to sound like blackmail!). I am sure that if he were to back off a bit your interest may return.

I'm not sure if it all sounds worse than it is. I think sex is fairly important but he thinks it is EXTREMELY important. At the weekend i think he was trying not to let me know how he felt but i could sense the tension a mile off. I insisted he tell me what the mood was about even tho i knew really because of the way he so often reacts. I wanted to get it out in the open because i am angry at having to feel bad about not servicing him as and when he wants! He said that i had disapointed him and then refused to talk furthur. I am stubborn in so much as that because i know it means so much to him and it's such a downer to him when he doesn't get it that i won't do it, in other words i sort of won't allow myself to be pressured into it and therefore refuse more often than i otherwise might. Does that make any sense? He flies off the handle easily and takes everything very personal. He can take an everyday row and turn into something really serious where we shouldn't be together and should split up.
On the flip side he does do a lot for me. he helps around the house, works 12 hours a day, can actually be quite caring sometimes and is the most fantastic dad. He massages my feet whenever we are in the house together of an evening and maintains that i never have to ask for that and i should be the same with the sexual favors!
I resist the urge to call him nasty names, it's in the midst of a heated row that i get this. I am certainly not defending him, it doesn't matter what else he does i am still sick of this behaviour and will suggest we get some counselling.
Sorry it's long, think this has been waiting to grt out for a very long time!

Linzoid,
Perhaps you could suggest that, he starts by massaging your feet and works his way up slowly !!!!
Not that I can comment, DH's idea of foreplay is waving his genetalia at me with a stupid grin on his face !!!

Mine is so obvious when thats what he is after, he always hums this same kind of tune lol

Linzoid

I fully sympathise. I have a randy partner who I irritate by not providing enough sex. My libido also suffered after pnd and child-rearing stresses. I sympathise with his frustrations but he misunderstands my priorities and situation too. I have more responsibilities than him and am currently preggers too..resulting in no drive.

He threatens revenge when he is decrepit and impotent. Not rude to me, just sarcy and hurt. I wish I could service better but am just too tired and pre-occupied. Other people advise me never to deprive him of sex as it can be the beginnning of the end. Although, I must add that I do find him sexy, but am not in the mood.

Unfortunately, I don't have much advice, just sympathy and understanding.

/

Hi Linzoid, I don't think this is about sex but about something else he is feeling but cannot communicate and so is focusing on the sex, or lack of it, as the vent for his feelings.
The fact that he is calling you names and trying to hurt you does suggest that he is hurting in some way as people sometimes inflict on others how they themselves are feeling.
I really think that by him saying that he wants to leave he is trying to shock you into realising how desperate he is feeling rather than him actually wanting to leave.
It's interesting that the problems started after you had your dd1 and you had pnd.
How did you get through that-yourself and together as a couple?

I am in no way condoning his behaviour it just sounds like theres more to it especially as he is caring and considerate at other times.
Have you tried asking him how he feels? Not whats the matter or why does he do xyz, cos sometimes that helps. (your probably reading this and thinking that no-one asks you how you feel but the plan is that by opening the lines of communication he will also hear you).
Sorry to sound like some sort of therapist!
By the way relate is really good, you pay what you can afford.

I must say I feel a virulent hatred of men as a species sometimes after reading relationship threads on mumsnet. What absolute twats some of them appear to be- so organically, helplessly crap yet with monumental egos and urges that they expect people to "service", not to mention hurtful, mannerless, sexist patterns of interaction that make me want to spit. I find the thought of "servicing" a person- either emotionally or sexually- frankly repulsive. Why would anyone expect or want this falseness?

Linzoid, I hope things get better for you soon. I also hope your dh isn't as awful as he appears on this thread and that you will be able to sort stuff out together. But have to say my sympathies are all with you and would definitely go along with Prufrock's plan of telling him not to bother coming home until he can relate as a proper adult.