Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

huge rows over town v country

51 replies

Mousie · 06/06/2008 21:51

we need to sell our house in london - money problems. i want to live in a town, soemwhere within walking distance to a cinema/ coffee shop. hubby wants village life - a big garden and space. and we fight about this every night to a ridiculous degree such that we are barely talking. it has got completely out of hand coupled with all the other stress we are under (business going under etc etc..) kids primary age so a school move will be essential. any suggestions for breaking this deadlock. I am sahm but not really content with this...

OP posts:
helenelisabeth · 06/06/2008 22:00

We have moved from country to town and agree with you - as a SAHM I LOVE the town, can just walk into it and have a coffee if I am bored BUT DH had two dogs and pines to be back in the country so he can feel like lord of the manor again - am afraid it is something that you will have to come to an agreement over - there is no "right or wrong".

scanner · 06/06/2008 22:04

I moved from London to the country a few years ago and tbh I miss London a lot. The problem is that we couldn't go back now, the dc's school is amazing in comparison to their London school, the freedom they have, lack of crime all mean that we feel we have to stay. Trust me, though as soon as they leave home we'll be back.

I think the move has been harder on me as for the first couple of years I was a sahm, so here more. However dh now lothes the commute.

Original poster
Mousie · 06/06/2008 22:04

how did you "win" if it was like that. I can't believe such an issue is having such a huge affect on our lives. we are barely speaking! i just can't see a way out and i know if i give in I will just be bloody miserable, but he just doesn't get it. all comes down to garden size i think (and we need to be in south of england as family all here)

OP posts:
Cosette · 06/06/2008 22:05

We used to live in London, and now live in a village - about 4 miles away from the nearest town, and I love it.

The village really has a great "community", and the town is a short drive if you want to shop/meet for coffee, although often people will arrange to meet in coffee shops within garden centres. Our local one has a duck pond and play area so better for the DCs too.

I think generally towns are more annonymous and it's harder to meet people. Villages can be more sociable places.

helenelisabeth · 06/06/2008 22:07

I forced the issue Mousie - to the point that we would have split up - not an easy answer but it worked! We were 1 1/2 away from my parents whereas now we are 20 mins away, big factor in the decision. It took 3 years to get him to change his mind though!

scanner · 06/06/2008 22:09

Tis true what Cosette says though our village is a million times more sociable then London.

WilfSell · 06/06/2008 22:11

is there a feasible compromise? Good village with facilities you could live with (library? coffee shop? community centre? network of mums?) Or a small town with nice suburb?

Or a towny place but with lots of space? Find brownfield site, knock down buildings and do something with land? Live near a park? Buy somewhere with option to buy land next to it later? I dunno, doesn't seem worth getting divorced over...

Original poster
Mousie · 06/06/2008 22:11

yup we are at that stage - a real split would be possible as i just can't okay something that goes so fundamentally against my personality, what i enjoy etc etc.. intersted though cosette to hear that village life has such a good community.. i just fear total loneliness and i love the fact that in london there are so many different people to choose from, different groups etc... but take your point about schools and kids freedom....

just want to swear and swear!

OP posts:
SazzlesA · 06/06/2008 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SazzlesA · 06/06/2008 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PortAndLemon · 06/06/2008 22:15

What about a large village/small town. Say Woburn, for exaple (picked off the top of my head as I've driven through it and it looked pretty and not too big). Depending on budget you could potentially get this or this.

handlemecarefully · 06/06/2008 22:20

I live in a village. I don't have crappy light pollution (can only see darkness and stars at night - I mention this because it was one of the things which really struck me when I first quit surburban living), can't hear my neighbours conversations and lawnmowers powering up or smell their barbecues. They can't gawp at us from their bedroom windows as we relax in our garden. People can't stare into my windows as they walk along the pavement. There is no real crime / vandalism. At the village PO everyone says hello! (that sense of community that Cosette refers too).I couldn't bear surburban (or city) life again.

I drive dd and ds to school and pre-school and have to slow down for the New Forest ponies and the pigs and cows which wander across the road (this is a good thing in case you were wondering). We have a garden to die for.

And yet - get this, I have a car. So I drive to West Quay in Southampton and get my shopping, have a coffee at Starbucks...we do all the normal stuff - cinema, theatre, dinner etc (we just have to drive there - but don't most city dwellers usually - unless they always eat at the same restaurant a mile from their front door)

As for practical solutions - could you sell, put your stuff in storage and rent for a while - to try out a different life style for 'fit' before fully committing to it ?

Habbibu · 06/06/2008 22:24

There was a really good series on R4 a few months ago, called "City Limits" - about people who lived on the edge of towns. Most of them felt that it really was the best of both worlds. Works for us - we live in a village that's just across the river from a city - 5-10 mins drive to city centre, but fields and river less than 5 mins walk - it's just brilliant. Is that kind of thing a possible compromise for you?

helenelisabeth · 06/06/2008 22:29

Have to add - if you are really happy in your life and relationship, you will make anywhere you live work.

harpomarx · 06/06/2008 22:31

handlemecarefully, I think all the driving is what would get me down. I grew up in a village and tbh I don't remember using the car a lot - but then there were two greengrocers, a village store and post office, butcher etc etc. Unless you're very lucky, villages these days lack those kind of facilities. Village schools (such as the one I went to) are often full of kids who are driven in from surrounding area etc.

I live in a town now and I love the fact that i can go for days without using the car and can reach a whole range of shops and facilities on foot. There is a great sense of community in the town I live in too, I know most of my neighbours, shopkeepers etc and never go out without bumping into loads of friends! Plenty of green space too, and we are by the sea.

helenelisabeth · 06/06/2008 22:39

It also depends on how "rural" you go - a beautiful village is where I live - but the town is within 15 mins walk - you can get the best of both worlds is you try to find it.

Pruners · 06/06/2008 22:41

Message withdrawn

handlemecarefully · 06/06/2008 22:41

'All' that driving?

It takes me 20 minutes to drive 12 miles into Southampton (it's a couple of miles down an A road and the rest is motorway - 1 junction), it takes me about half that time to drive to small market town of Romsey.I don't drive at rush hour - t'would take rather longer.

When I lived in HedgeEnd (a hideously built up part of Southampton) it would take me longer to drive into the city centre from there (all those ruddy traffic lights and mini roundabouts) than it does from my current rural location! And yet local (city and surburban) dwelling people percieve I am in the middle of nowhere. What I am trying to say is that it is a fallacy in many cases that you don't need or use a car when a city / surburban dweller - from my observations there is still a lot of driving done by the non-rural

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 06/06/2008 22:46

yup we are at that stage - a real split would be possible as i just can't okay something that goes so fundamentally against my personality, what i enjoy etc etc..

You are either a family unit or you are not......

harpomarx · 06/06/2008 22:50

that's just my perception, hmc, having lived in both a village and various towns/cities.

When I stay with my parents in the same village I grew up in, a car is a necessity - for work, shopping, getting cash out etc. It's not far to the nearest town but, yes, you do have to drive or get a two-hourly bus. Depends on the town or city of course, but I would say generally a car is a luxury if you are in a town but not always a necessity.

edam · 06/06/2008 22:52

We moved out of London to a small commuter town/overgrown village. Lots of countryside around us, great schools, town is full of green spaces, we are walking distances to shops/cafes/bars/train station... would you consider something like that?

helenelisabeth · 06/06/2008 22:56

Bree - whats with the sarcasm? It really is a problem for some couples where they live - for me, I was very lonely and was depressed - what's so wrong about that?

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 06/06/2008 23:01

My comment was addressed to the OP.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 06/06/2008 23:06

And even it it had been about you. It is no longer about you ( again I use the term loosely)you become a parent you look at the whole picture.

If I had a choice between a multi-cultural life in a tower block in Tower Hamlets or a life in the sticks, which can at times be dull. I would grasp the rural opportunity every time.

helenelisabeth · 06/06/2008 23:07

Oops - sorry!