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Original poster

Ds has skiped a lesson today and it’s his first day back and I am not impressed!

73 replies

TheGiddyHedgehog · 04/09/2025 19:27

His school called me earlier saying he has a detention for skipping lessons he has just started year 8 and last year he was getting told off lots and he had lots of detentions . My older daughter who’s in year 11 said she saw him come past her classes lots in lesson times today only once with a teacher I am not impressed it’s his first day back as well .

I just don’t get why he is doing this the school rang me every day last year about him when I was always busy he doesn’t have any needs or anything so he can’t learn so I just don’t get it. Even the teacher on the phone was saying he has a lot of potential he just doesn’t do it or come to lessons .

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGiddyHedgehog · 04/09/2025 20:52

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 04/09/2025 20:48

I don't think they're looking at this from his point of view though. He probably doesn't understand why the return to lessons is so hard, but it is clearly very hard for him.

They should be considering this emotionally based school avoidance at the very least.

The trust between the school and him has broken down and the onus is on them to rebuild the relationship with him. He is (supposed to be) in their care 6 hours a day.

They can start to rebuild that trust by investigating whether he has SEN or not, because many schools won't give a stuff about your needs if you don't have a diagnosis or aren't on the pathway for a diagnosis of some sorts. They'll just write him off.

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On the phone all they said was about him having a teacher take him to lesson to lesson and he really doesn’t want that he has expressed that to me and to them but their still going through with it as they said to me on the phone he needs a teacher to look after him throughout the day and take him lesson to lesson.

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LIZS · 04/09/2025 20:52

Did he attend the detentions? Does he stay in school all day , if so what is he doing? If he only attended twice in the last year he won’t be learning, bright or not. Is he “popular” because his defiance and disrespect for rules? What has school suggested to address his behaviour rather than just punish him. Think you need to engage and be putting pressure on them to be more constructive in their approach before he is managed out or sent to a pru. Is there an Inclusion officer you can speak to?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2025 20:53

Is English your first language? Do you have any other children? It sounds extremely worrying.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 04/09/2025 20:54

If he's missed 15 full days of school (consecutively or cumulatively) in a school year you can write to your local authority and tell them that he has emotionally based school avoidance, they have a duty under the Education Act duty around Section 19, they have a duty to provide a suitable alternative provision, whether that's a new mainstream, a designated ARP, or online tuition.

This isn't automatic, so it does require you to instigate this, but clearly his absence is not sustainable, it's causing you and him stress, and the school are not doing their due dilligence of investigating WHY he is so averse.

Original poster
TheGiddyHedgehog · 04/09/2025 20:54

LIZS · 04/09/2025 20:52

Did he attend the detentions? Does he stay in school all day , if so what is he doing? If he only attended twice in the last year he won’t be learning, bright or not. Is he “popular” because his defiance and disrespect for rules? What has school suggested to address his behaviour rather than just punish him. Think you need to engage and be putting pressure on them to be more constructive in their approach before he is managed out or sent to a pru. Is there an Inclusion officer you can speak to?

I think that’s probably why he’s popular

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGiddyHedgehog · 04/09/2025 20:55

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2025 20:53

Is English your first language? Do you have any other children? It sounds extremely worrying.

Yes it is I have another child in year 11 like I said earlier

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Hedjwitch · 04/09/2025 21:08

DelilahBucket · 04/09/2025 20:46

Your comment "school always called me when I'm busy" speaks volumes about how you feel about this. You sound like you find your son a big inconvenience. He should be your priority. He's not, and that's why this is happening. He gets attention by doing it.

That's really harsh and quite a deduction to make. The OP being busy might mean she's at work, or looking after other siblings. My son had problems at secondary and skipped a lot of classes. When my phone rang and it was the school welfare team,I was usually busy. Working to earn a salary to provide for said son!

Incidentally his attendance and other school problems ended when he found his way to the music department, a teacher there spotted potential and the rest is history. He is now a musician and just back from playing in London and Edinburgh. Not all kids fit into the academic mould.

LoremIpsumCici · 04/09/2025 21:09

TheGiddyHedgehog · 04/09/2025 20:54

I think that’s probably why he’s popular

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And he will be terrified of losing his popularity…

Poor kid is in a corner and needs help.

Pieceofpurplesky · 04/09/2025 21:10

Is your DH his dad?

Original poster
TheGiddyHedgehog · 04/09/2025 21:11

Pieceofpurplesky · 04/09/2025 21:10

Is your DH his dad?

No but his dad is in life

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Bringmeahigherlove · 04/09/2025 21:16

TheGiddyHedgehog · 04/09/2025 20:52

On the phone all they said was about him having a teacher take him to lesson to lesson and he really doesn’t want that he has expressed that to me and to them but their still going through with it as they said to me on the phone he needs a teacher to look after him throughout the day and take him lesson to lesson.

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Ask for a meeting with the school and come up with a joined up plan. You need to start engaging with them and making this your responsibility.

Pieceofpurplesky · 04/09/2025 21:16

How long have you and your DH been/lived together

LupaMoonhowl · 04/09/2025 21:17

Dad ‘in his life’ -what does that mean?
Your DH should be more than ‘in his life’ but on it.
Why is your DH not taking the lead in this with his son ???

Bringmeahigherlove · 04/09/2025 21:20

Hedjwitch · 04/09/2025 21:08

That's really harsh and quite a deduction to make. The OP being busy might mean she's at work, or looking after other siblings. My son had problems at secondary and skipped a lot of classes. When my phone rang and it was the school welfare team,I was usually busy. Working to earn a salary to provide for said son!

Incidentally his attendance and other school problems ended when he found his way to the music department, a teacher there spotted potential and the rest is history. He is now a musician and just back from playing in London and Edinburgh. Not all kids fit into the academic mould.

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Yes but a parent can call back or request a meeting at a time that is convenient for them. Schools are open during work hours so most parents are busy. To not engage with the school at all and say I’m always busy, when there are clearly issues, is neglectful.

InWalksBarberalla · 04/09/2025 21:24

LupaMoonhowl · 04/09/2025 21:17

Dad ‘in his life’ -what does that mean?
Your DH should be more than ‘in his life’ but on it.
Why is your DH not taking the lead in this with his son ???

The DH isn't the dad though. Either the OP is saying the DH is the only father like figure in her son's life or his dad is in his life.

Original poster
TheGiddyHedgehog · 04/09/2025 21:30

Bringmeahigherlove · 04/09/2025 21:16

Ask for a meeting with the school and come up with a joined up plan. You need to start engaging with them and making this your responsibility.

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I can call and ask for a meeting with them tomorrow going to be a hard day for ds because their making a teacher go round with him to every lesson and look after him and he doesn’t want that he is super stressed out about tomorrow as it is

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EducatingArti · 04/09/2025 21:31

To be fair, if a teacher is accompanying him to all lessons, they will start to get an idea of what is causing his avoidance, even just by observing him. They can see how his impulsivity and attention levels are, whether he is showing signs of stress/anxiety etc

LIZS · 04/09/2025 21:35

TheGiddyHedgehog · 04/09/2025 21:30

I can call and ask for a meeting with them tomorrow going to be a hard day for ds because their making a teacher go round with him to every lesson and look after him and he doesn’t want that he is super stressed out about tomorrow as it is

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Is he stressed by the idea of school or by embarrassment that he needs an escort which will affect his cool reputation? School don’t have spare staff around to babysit pupils so are trying to shock him into behaving. Do you have issues at home too.

i assume DH is the stable presence at home but there is a father who he sees. Do either set expectations of education and attendance? Do you?

Original poster
TheGiddyHedgehog · 04/09/2025 21:39

EducatingArti · 04/09/2025 21:31

To be fair, if a teacher is accompanying him to all lessons, they will start to get an idea of what is causing his avoidance, even just by observing him. They can see how his impulsivity and attention levels are, whether he is showing signs of stress/anxiety etc

That’s why they are doing it I think they don’t say everything about why their doing what their doing

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGiddyHedgehog · 04/09/2025 21:43

LIZS · 04/09/2025 21:35

Is he stressed by the idea of school or by embarrassment that he needs an escort which will affect his cool reputation? School don’t have spare staff around to babysit pupils so are trying to shock him into behaving. Do you have issues at home too.

i assume DH is the stable presence at home but there is a father who he sees. Do either set expectations of education and attendance? Do you?

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He is mostly ok at Home he is stressed about being embarrassed tomorrow with a teacher taking him to lesson

OP posts:
InWalksBarberalla · 04/09/2025 21:44

TheGiddyHedgehog · 04/09/2025 21:30

I can call and ask for a meeting with them tomorrow going to be a hard day for ds because their making a teacher go round with him to every lesson and look after him and he doesn’t want that he is super stressed out about tomorrow as it is

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Well if he doesn't want the teacher going around with him all day them he shouldn't have skipped lessons so much.

LIZS · 04/09/2025 21:45

And your reaction to his “stress”? Are you telling him he has to go along with it as may benefit him longer term?

Original poster
TheGiddyHedgehog · 04/09/2025 21:51

LIZS · 04/09/2025 21:45

And your reaction to his “stress”? Are you telling him he has to go along with it as may benefit him longer term?

I told him it will help him a lot they have told me what teacher it is well it’s not even a teacher it’s a teaching assistant but still it’s a young lady who’s a teaching assistant around the school I forgot her name they told me it earlier

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGiddyHedgehog · 04/09/2025 22:11

TheGiddyHedgehog · 04/09/2025 21:51

I told him it will help him a lot they have told me what teacher it is well it’s not even a teacher it’s a teaching assistant but still it’s a young lady who’s a teaching assistant around the school I forgot her name they told me it earlier

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And they said she will be with him for in the actual lessons aswell and she will help him with anything at all that he needs help with.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGiddyHedgehog · 04/09/2025 22:17

LIZS · 04/09/2025 20:52

Did he attend the detentions? Does he stay in school all day , if so what is he doing? If he only attended twice in the last year he won’t be learning, bright or not. Is he “popular” because his defiance and disrespect for rules? What has school suggested to address his behaviour rather than just punish him. Think you need to engage and be putting pressure on them to be more constructive in their approach before he is managed out or sent to a pru. Is there an Inclusion officer you can speak to?

Yes he’s in school all day

OP posts: