Ds has skiped a lesson today and it’s his first day back and I am not impressed!

[TheGiddyHedgehog]

His school called me earlier saying he has a detention for skipping lessons he has just started year 8 and last year he was getting told off lots and he had lots of detentions . My older daughter who’s in year 11 said she saw him come past her classes lots in lesson times today only once with a teacher I am not impressed it’s his first day back as well .

I just don’t get why he is doing this the school rang me every day last year about him when I was always busy he doesn’t have any needs or anything so he can’t learn so I just don’t get it. Even the teacher on the phone was saying he has a lot of potential he just doesn’t do it or come to lessons .

How are you working with the school over this? What actions are you taking at home - removal of phone/devices? Is there a mandatory homework programme for him to make up the lost lessons?

Yes I remove his phone I take from him

How are you working with the school - it sounds like this isn’t a new issue. Has he made up the missing lessons- how do you supervise his homework?

There must be a reason. Try listening to him.

I tell him to do it a provide him with everything he needs yet He doesn’t do it the school want to give him a teacher that goes around with him so he goes to lessons but he doesn’t want that and he argued to the head teacher about it

I do there is no reason for it he has no reason

He shouldn’t have a choice!

If he can’t be trusted to go to his lessons, he needs to be escorted like a child.

I would also be making mine do the lesson at home in the evening.

He shouldn’t be getting a choice. Every evening you sit with him to go through the lessons he needs to make up, review the homework he is submitting, and support the school with the measures they are proposing.

How many lessons does he need to make up?

The school said I have to make him do it in the evenings but he doesn’t do it and threatens me and my Dh

he skipped most lessons in year 7 he went 2 days to lesson in the whole year he has been surpented a lot in the past

No reason he feels comfortable telling you.
There is always a reason and you need to find out what it is, maybe he will talk to the school pastoral care or a therapist.

He might talk to them the school said they want to put a teacher go round with him all day so he goes to lesson and actually learns as it’s affecting him

There's a reason and he's struggling somehow. The content of the lessons is not the priority - the priority is finding out the reason.

What's his back story? How was primary? Any serious shocks or problems?

Has anyone considered bullying, pain/illness, anxiety, SEN?

Primary was ok he hasn’t had any shocks that I know of and in secondary he is very popular and hasn’t been bullied at all in secondary he has lots of mates and everything so I don’t know what the reason could be that’s what I am also trying to find out.

I wouldn't write off ADHD.

It can manifest in "poor behaviour". School can be really disengaging, it's boring and tedious and monotonous. You can't make your brain stay on task. It can also make you impulsive, ie. I am bored here, I will skip this class, instead of thinking: If I skip this class now I will be in trouble later. You don't have the same perception of time. You live in the now. Whatever comes later is a future you problem.

Also being unable to do homework, again, boring, tedious, removes autonomy. Traditional punishment measures don't work, like removing phones etc. because the brain is searching for dopamine so it can work. If you're removing a source of dopamine, then it's basically putting you into standby mode, and you can't start or complete tasks.

Equally, if you're overstimulated, it can be hard to break away, and start to make new routines. Being told to do your homework won't make you suddenly able to do your homework, it really needs the right guidance to make it fun, engaging, and to help stay on task.

If he isn't getting the novelty, excitement, or urgency factor out of a situation, then he won't do it.

If these needs have been missed, and nobody can tell you why you're like this, you can easily be written off as naughty, ill-equipped, poor work ethic, and you just end up with anxiety, and that leads to avoidance behaviours, like skipping lessons.

Obviously nobody here can diagnose your son, but I just don't think it should be written off as a possibility when the primary goal is to get him to stay in lessons and engage and not be so mentally checked out before his life has even begun.

He went to only two days of school in y7?!
That's very seriously affecting his education.

What did the school do about it in y7?

I just can't understand why school is suddenly optional to so many kids (trauma and sen aside).

They have suspend before over it and detentions some even after school

Hmm, many bright kids with SEN that get diagnosed later it happens because they can compensate with intelligence to get by in primary, but then the wheels fall off at secondary age and they start sinking.

There is often a lot of bewilderment and shame, which causes them to pretend they don’t care about school, that they don’t know a subject because they skipped the class (which gives them street cred with mates) …that is infinitely better than being in every class and feeling lost because you can’t take in what is being taught.

ADHD is a possibility for all the reasons the pp listed plus the fact it often comes with rejection sensitivity dysphoria. This is intense emotional pain in response to perceived rejection or criticism. This heightened sensitivity can lead to overwhelming feelings of sadness, anxiety, and low self-esteem, making it difficult to manage everyday social interactions. In terms of school, they often feel this intense pain if they don’t know an answer in class and so for them, they impulsively want to avoid that situation, which logically ( to them ) means don’t go to the class! As that is the only way to prevent anyone from finding out they are struggling to learn and then thinking they have the brains of a lizard. 🦎

This also makes them particularly susceptible to peer pressure from mates- even to the point of not being able to say no to a mate out of fear they will be rejected and lose the friendship.

I would put good money on there being trauma and probably SEN here, but it hasn't been recognised because the school haven't bothered to investigate this childs actual needs.

I don't think that he is refusing an education, I think it's that he can't access an education because it isn't being provided in a way that he can't engage with.

That does cause trauma.

They've suspended him as well from the OP's posts, meaning they've actually put barriers in place for him to access an education whilst placing the blame on him, which is often done as they don't look at poor behaviour as a symptom of a wider issue that they should be supporting an investigation for, but rather the consequence of choices that this child has made.

The transition from Y6 to Y7 is a huge one, because suddenly the lessons aren't as fun, you're expected to move from room to room, there's a lot more responsibility placed on you in terms of self management and self management doesn't come easily or naturally to people with poor executive functioning, yet schools seem to think that this is something you can punish away, and then act all shocked when it doesn't work, yet they just keep repeating their suspensions and punitive measures when they should be changing their approach.

The transition to high school is a prime time for unrecognised SEN in primary to finally start showing as many naturally found accomodations within primary are suddenly lost.

They just at lease want him in his lessons they would love him to be doing everything but they at least want to start getting him in his lessons

Punishments of you’re not allowed to come to school for a child who is afraid to go to class is a reward, not a punishment. The jackpot (to him) will be a full exclusion.

I can’t believe the school have let this go on for so long without referring him for an assessment for SEN or psychological factors.

Your comment "school always called me when I'm busy" speaks volumes about how you feel about this. You sound like you find your son a big inconvenience. He should be your priority. He's not, and that's why this is happening. He gets attention by doing it.

I don't think they're looking at this from his point of view though. He probably doesn't understand why the return to lessons is so hard, but it is clearly very hard for him.

They should be considering this emotionally based school avoidance at the very least.

The trust between the school and him has broken down and the onus is on them to rebuild the relationship with him. He is (supposed to be) in their care 6 hours a day.

They can start to rebuild that trust by investigating whether he has SEN or not, because many schools won't give a stuff about your needs if you don't have a diagnosis or aren't on the pathway for a diagnosis of some sorts. They'll just write him off.

Sorry, but the school’s focus on warm bum in a seat is not in your child’s best interests. It is to keep their attendance stats up for Ofsted and for the government who is threatening to cut funds to schools with lower attendance rates.

Your comment of “I’m not impressed” should be directed to the school.
Your DS is being actively let to slip through the cracks.

Is his dad in his life?