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Original poster

My children have never stayed over at my mums house

49 replies

Limara · 30/05/2008 12:46

Sounds a bit sour of me, but my kids have never stayed overnight at my mums house. DC's are nearly 11 and 7 and sometimes it annoys me when I hear of my friends kids staying at their grandparents houses.

There is no logistical reason like distance or anything else why they are never invited to stay over. We live in the same town.

My mum is in reasonable health and her partner too although her and her partner did have their differences with each other in the past, they have mellowed now.

The spare bedroom in her house is full of her partners junk and this would make it difficult for them to stay. This in itself annoys me, why not clear it out?

They never bother with my kids. Every school holiday my mum rings me and offers to take the kids to the cinema and either I have to go too, ie pick her up and actually go in with her or she doesn't take them at all.

The other week, I asked her to babysit at my house and she said yes. On the day, I rang her to reminded her and she said that her neices' child who's 13, was coming to her house to sleep over as her neice/my cousin was stuck for a sitter! I was cross and told her (quite jeuvenile of me I know) but that's how I feel sometimes...

Anyway, my cousin cancelled as she didn't go out in the end and my mum came up to babysit.

I know she loves me and the dc's.

I don't make demands on my mum, never have done and before anyone says it, I know they are my kids I have to look after them and yes she has done her job of bringing up her own children.

What are your thoughts, anyone else in the same situation?

OP posts:
hercules1 · 30/05/2008 12:47

Never occured to me for my mum to have them stay at hers.

scorpio1 · 30/05/2008 12:49

my parents nor my in-laws have ever had my children to stay.

my parents live in the same town as me and have plenty of room, and indeed time as they retired early.

i just ignore it now, it used to hurt me but doesnt anymore.

My inlaws have my dss alot. that hurts me more - my children are there grandchildren too. but i just think they are the ones loosing out in the end.

PeachyWontLieToYou · 30/05/2008 12:50

i am lucky my mum helps, although theyre not nearby

was going to say up to your mum... then i swa about nieces child and that sounded odd

have you asked? my mum has a fear of interfering wont ask. if not maybe a chat

TheProvincialLady · 30/05/2008 12:51

Your mum sounds fine to me really. I can understand having a 13 year old girl to stay but not two children aged 7 and 11 - I know it would be nice for you to get a break but she doesn't have to have them to stay.

You say she never bothers with your children but invites you all out to the cinema every holiday at her expense and she babysat for you the other day (annoying that she forgot about it first though), and you know she loves you all...

Have you tried talking to her about this?

Original poster
Limara · 30/05/2008 13:02

Yes I talked about it the other day whilst discussing the 13yo staying and she said they could come and stay now.

I dunno, it all seems a bit lack lustre, like her hand was forced.

Maybe I'm adopting a teenagers approach to a parent and being faesty about it. Normally I'm quite reasonable and like other posters, I usually ignore these negative thoughts but they do rear their ugle heads sometimes.

TheProvincialLady, Nine times out of ten my mum doesn't take them to the cinema, like this week for instance. Iv'e rung her and she's been to bingo twice with her friends etc. Hey, fair play to her having an active social life-I hope I'm like her when I'm her age!

OP posts:
Original poster
Limara · 30/05/2008 13:16

scorpio1, you say 'i just think they are the ones loosing out in the end' In what way?

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 30/05/2008 13:21

they loose out on knowing these 3 little people, on being a 'grandparent', especially inlaws as dh is an only child.

ComeOVeneer · 30/05/2008 13:22

I would have said it is no big deal until I saw that she was going to have her great neice to stay but not her grandchildren. A bit odd but it is their right to have a realationship of their choosing with their grandchildren, seems a shame though.

I am very lucky in this respect (despite certain issues with MIL) both my parents and dh's parents regularly care for our 2 (3 and 6).. Both live about an hour away and have had them overnight since the eldest was 5 months old. My parents have just looked after them at our house for 6 days whilst dh and I went away.

scorpio1 · 30/05/2008 13:22

mine dont even babysit. I had my first at 17 and got no support.

they are fantastic parents to me though, still.

scorpio1 · 30/05/2008 13:23

dc are 6 3 & 6 weeks. MIL has never seen our baby.

tortoiseSHELL · 30/05/2008 13:25

It's hard when you don't get support from your parents. We have seen my parents for 1.5 hours since Christmas, and certainly won't see them before July/August, and more probably next Christmas. We saw MIL recently, but was first time since October.

I just feel the kids miss out on that 'grandparent' relationship and it makes me so

NotABanana · 30/05/2008 13:27

My inlaws have had my eldest children to sleep overnight since they were 3 and in fact they had all of them for the day last Saturday and the older ones to sleep for 2 nights. They are all at my inlaws today.

helenelisabeth · 30/05/2008 13:35

Count yourself lucky you even get her to babysit!

My mum would love to her my DC to stay but because of my dad's very poor health, they can't. For the first time in 3 years I am going out tonight with my friends to the Cinema (DH is away so he couldn't babysit) and my Mum is coming over to watch the kids (who will both be in bed).

MIL has NEVER in 5.5 years taken my DC out once or babysat.

Afraid it's something you just have to get on with. As you say, they are your responsibility and I know it would be nice for you to get a break (I too never get one). My friend's DD has just spent the whole of half term with her Grandmother, I too feel a bit when I never get chance to have 5 mins to myself!

PeachyWontLieToYou · 30/05/2008 13:36

scorpio mil hasnt seen Bas either (7 weeks)

youre right its their loss

HappyMummyOfOne · 30/05/2008 14:12

Count yourself lucky that she babysits, some people dont have a sitter at all.

At the end of the day the children are your responsibility and not your mums. Maybe she believes she has raised her family and doesnt want 3 children over night.

Some people seem to forget how hard their own parents worked (and may still do) and the sacrifices they made and just think they should be on hand for childcare whenever they fancy a night off.

NotABanana · 30/05/2008 14:22

Or maybe some people just want their children to have a relationship with the only set of grandparents they have.

Original poster
Limara · 30/05/2008 14:40

HappyMummyOfOne, I remember how hard my mum worked but I also remember spending alot of Friday nights at my nans house(her mother) sleeping there.

My mum knew we hated it as her mum suffered from premature senile dementure and she wasn't very nice. In fact she was never nice to my mum and was violent towards her. She beat my mum black & blue for injuring herself whilst doing something she shouldn't have been doing and the following neglect, caused my mum to be in hospital for 6 months at the age of 14, due to the initial injury which was left untreated.

Gosh, whole new senario isn't it, why would you leave your kids with a woman like that?

Anyway, I'm not gonna bleat on. I know I'm an adult so Iv'e got to move on but I don't think grandparents are what they used to be.

OP posts:
backfire · 30/05/2008 15:36

Limara it sounds like your mum is simply "all cared out" tbh with a history like that ! When you were sleeping at your nan's house did your mum come too ?

Original poster
Limara · 30/05/2008 15:46

Wow "all cared out"- spot on. No my mum dropped us off, went to bingo and then went home with my dad.

It was awful at my nans, she used to have the calor gas heater on full and leave the lights on while we kipped on the sofa trying to sleep. When we got older, we used to hang around outside on the wall on the street till all hours. My nan didn't speak it was weird.

It doesnt sound awful but you had to be there. I used to spend so much time crying in the loo upstairs because it was cooler and away from the light. My mum knew but I suppose her time spent with her husband/my dad, was so important maybe?

They always went out on a friday night, lucky eh?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/05/2008 15:50

Yeah, so?

Why do you think she owes your overnight childcare?

My kids never have and never will stay overnight at their grandparents'.

My ILs are in very poor health and my parents live thousands of miles away.

It's hardly going to kill them or damage them for life.

C'est la vie.

You just crack on with it.

nervousal · 30/05/2008 15:56

OTOH - my MIL looks after my DD while I work and is more than happy to look after her overnight (which she has done on perhaps 4 ocassions - DD is 4) - DD loves going for sleepovers with Granny. Luckily Gran is very healthy and has a wonderful relationship with DD. I guess we are very lucky. I would be sad too if MIL or my Mum didn't seem to want this sort of relationship with my dd

tortoiseSHELL · 30/05/2008 16:06

I think it is a shame if children can't have this experience. I lived a mile away from my Granma, and used to stay over often - it was a real treat, and she used to make pancakes for tea, and fried egg in fried bread for breakfast! And we sat up late and played scrabble and monopoly and cards and talked.

I would really like my children to be very close to their grandparents, but for one reason or another, it has become a very occasional thing for them to see any of their grandparents. Which is very sad. Nothing to do with them 'owing' childcare - just building relationships.

Original poster
Limara · 30/05/2008 16:09

expatinscotland, what's with the 'yeah so?'

Thanks to the constructive replies I had, I will ignore the very helpful expatinscotland.

OP posts:
shhhh · 30/05/2008 16:30

My dk's (3 and 15 months) have never stopped over at either gp's and as far as im concerned never will...

No reasons as to why, just the fact they are my dk's and I don't see a bit urge to let them iykiwm.

Yeah sure, both sets would love for them to stop over at some stage but I would hate it..would miss them too much. Selfish I know.

BTW I never stpped over at my gp's (Lived a bit away so I only ever stopped with my parents) and I have not missed out on anything..don't feel some kind of loss...

Im the same as expat. Move on.

expatinscotland · 30/05/2008 16:34

Feel free, Lima.

This forum is for people to express their opinions, whether you like them or not, as long as they do not contain personal attacks or libellous comments.

This is not here to tell you what you want to hear.

And personally, I think it's rather spoiled to assume that GPs owe you overnight babysitting coverage.