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Original poster

Husband dropping out of hol 5 days before flight

31 replies

Livinlife2dafull · 13/08/2025 23:32

My family have booked to go abroad. At the time of booking my husband was unsure as his father has onset Alzheimers and can often play up. Anyway he decided to come on holiday.

Now 5 days before holiday my father in law is being difficult with his carers. My husband is now worried about leaving his Dad and so wants to drop out. He has fell out with some family and those left eho could check in on him all work

I feel annoyed and angry as I asked him at the time is he sure. It is money down the drain now at a time when my husband is unemployed so I feel even more annoyed. When we booked the holiday our finances were great but since then my husband lost his job and had a lot of bad luck with car and work van expenses. We are scrimping for money and savings used.

Looks like tomorrow I will see if I can change passenger or cancel him off altogether.

Its not his Dad's fault but I feel annoyed at the timing as things never go right for me.

OP posts:
PersephoneParlormaid · 14/08/2025 07:11

So when you booked it finances were fine, it’s only since then that finances have become tight. So I think that YABU, he’s doing the right thing for his dad who you could say is vulnerable.
Go and have a great time, don’t let this tarnish your holiday or your relationship.

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 14/08/2025 07:16

PersephoneParlormaid · 14/08/2025 07:11

So when you booked it finances were fine, it’s only since then that finances have become tight. So I think that YABU, he’s doing the right thing for his dad who you could say is vulnerable.
Go and have a great time, don’t let this tarnish your holiday or your relationship.

Agree, I personally ally think your husband is doing the right thing looking after his dad- if he didn’t care and went I think that would put me off him- maybe it says more about your character?. I think the real issue is the finances, is he looking for another job? .

Dozer · 14/08/2025 07:20

Have you discussed your thoughts and feelings about this with your H?

In general, how is your H balancing helping his dad and his family relationships with his parenting, job seeking and being a partner to you? If not well, and this is another example, it’d be good to discuss that and seek for him to adjust things.

If he does pull out of the holiday, he should make all of the resulting phone calls and admin and payment arrangements himself.

Dozer · 14/08/2025 07:23

It’s not a given that it’s ’ ‘the right thing’, for this particular week with a holiday booked, to prioritise providing help and care for an elderly parent over other things, eg parenting, relationship.

dogcatkitten · 14/08/2025 07:23

Do you have holiday insurance, would it cover this scenario? Have you asked about cancellation?

BCBird · 14/08/2025 07:25

How could your husband enjoy himself if he was worried about his dad? If you are fortunate to have parents, what would you do? Sounds as if you can still go on holiday and although this is not the way you would like, surely this is the best compromise? I imagine your husband would like to be able to go on holiday if circumstances permitted. Support him.in his decision.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 14/08/2025 07:28

Is FIL at home with carers going in? Is this only sustainable because dh doesn’t have a job and can spend time with his dad around the visits?

Id say this is time to accept FILhas got too bad to stay in his home. Get sh to contact adult social services. A care home might be best, many families it’s a crunch point like this that makes the decision.

Dearg · 14/08/2025 07:37

You mention other family members who all work. What would happen if your DH were still in work? Would FIL just have to cope with his carers?

If your DH is worried , he is not going to enjoy the holiday anyway, and possibly affect the rest of you that way.

If you can, try to reclaim some cost for cancelling your Dzh, then go and try to relax.

When you get home, it’s time for a chat about the longer term. Sadly Alzheimer’s is often a very long haul, and it’s not sustainable for your DH to a) not work and b) be the only one on hand to help.

DoRayMeMeMe · 14/08/2025 08:05

Livinlife2dafull · 13/08/2025 23:32

My family have booked to go abroad. At the time of booking my husband was unsure as his father has onset Alzheimers and can often play up. Anyway he decided to come on holiday.

Now 5 days before holiday my father in law is being difficult with his carers. My husband is now worried about leaving his Dad and so wants to drop out. He has fell out with some family and those left eho could check in on him all work

I feel annoyed and angry as I asked him at the time is he sure. It is money down the drain now at a time when my husband is unemployed so I feel even more annoyed. When we booked the holiday our finances were great but since then my husband lost his job and had a lot of bad luck with car and work van expenses. We are scrimping for money and savings used.

Looks like tomorrow I will see if I can change passenger or cancel him off altogether.

Its not his Dad's fault but I feel annoyed at the timing as things never go right for me.

I think you are being really horrible to your husband, and deliberately making his life even more stressful when it is already crap enough for him.
What the hell is wrong with you?

Original poster
Livinlife2dafull · 14/08/2025 23:37

FIL refuses to the leave the house and go in a home. Said he would rather die there. My mother in law is in a home he refuses to join her. He doesn't even want the carers to come in.

OP posts:
FancyBiscuitsLevel · 15/08/2025 06:32

Oh this is another case of an elderly parent deciding they must stay in their own home, even knowing the only way to make that happen is to ruin their adult child’s life, marriage, career, and possibly their grandchild’s happiness.

But just leaving them to struggle isn’t allowed.

obviously what should happen is DH contacts other family members and says he’s going away. Let’s FIL know he won’t be available, would FIL consider going into a home for a holiday break? But selfish old people are hard to deal with.

Kyotoorbust · 15/08/2025 06:35

Is your fil claiming attendance allowance and your husband claiming carers allowance?

it isnt much but may help

rosie1959 · 15/08/2025 06:40

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 15/08/2025 06:32

Oh this is another case of an elderly parent deciding they must stay in their own home, even knowing the only way to make that happen is to ruin their adult child’s life, marriage, career, and possibly their grandchild’s happiness.

But just leaving them to struggle isn’t allowed.

obviously what should happen is DH contacts other family members and says he’s going away. Let’s FIL know he won’t be available, would FIL consider going into a home for a holiday break? But selfish old people are hard to deal with.

Did you miss the part of the post where the OP says that the dad is suffering from Alzheimer’s perhaps you do not understand what this can do to the sufferers thought process

Rasell · 15/08/2025 06:59

I can understand your frustrations and worries about money, but I really feel for your husband. It must feel like his whole world is crashing down - he's got an overwhelming amount of responsibility and worry on his shoulders and everything is going wrong for him. It sounds like he wanted to go away with his family, didn't want to let anyone down and was hopeful - but when push comes to shove, he's been forced to choose between having fun with his family (who can have fun without him if necessary) and looking after his extremely vulnerable dad who doesn't have anyone else. Its no choice. You'll have a great time without him and the money lost is just some money lost...I know that's really hard to swallow when you're worried about money, but that's the fact of the matter. Good luck getting back on your feet and with everything.

Whaleandsnail6 · 15/08/2025 06:59

Your poor husband. He has a lot on his plate and I think your reaction needs to be as supportive as it can.

The money has been spent
You can still go on the holiday and make the best if it

Don't make him feel worse by moaning about the fact he no longer feels he can come away.

I'm sure you are not, but this post makes you sound very self centred..."things never go right for me..." I'm sure your fil and your husband aren't having a whale of a time at the moment either.

Coconutter24 · 15/08/2025 07:04

Livinlife2dafull · 14/08/2025 23:37

FIL refuses to the leave the house and go in a home. Said he would rather die there. My mother in law is in a home he refuses to join her. He doesn't even want the carers to come in.

So surely you understand that is stressful for your DH so why make his life harder by being annoyed and angry about something so unimportant like a holiday. Holidays can be done again, wasted money can be made back. Look at the the bigger picture. Yes it’s disappointing but so is a having a dad that is unwell in the worst way

Blueberry911 · 15/08/2025 07:38

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 15/08/2025 06:32

Oh this is another case of an elderly parent deciding they must stay in their own home, even knowing the only way to make that happen is to ruin their adult child’s life, marriage, career, and possibly their grandchild’s happiness.

But just leaving them to struggle isn’t allowed.

obviously what should happen is DH contacts other family members and says he’s going away. Let’s FIL know he won’t be available, would FIL consider going into a home for a holiday break? But selfish old people are hard to deal with.

He's been diagnosed with Alzheimers!! You are awful.

As are you OP. Having a family member with dementia is so hard. I'm glad my husband is less concerned about holidays are more compassionate than you.

ohfook · 15/08/2025 07:45

Providing care for an elderly parent is a draining and thankless task which whether you want it to or not it impacts your whole family especially your partner who has to pick up all of the slack at home while you do the caring. I completely understand why your dh doesn’t want to go, but if I were him I’d start now with the expectation that he’s entitled to some time with his family and other family members will have to step up. There will always be a reason why he could cancel, but he will run himself into the ground if he doesn’t put himself first sometimes in my opinion.

Untailored · 15/08/2025 07:51

Be supportive of your husband, don’t make the situation worse for him by being horrible about this holiday.

Original poster
Livinlife2dafull · 15/08/2025 08:02

I have told him this. My sister in law lives 10 mins from her Dad and barely checks or contacts her Dad where as we live in another city. My husband has fell out with his sister over this and other things so he refuses to ask her. I think this is what makes me angry to be fair the fact for one week she could keep an eye on her Dad.

OP posts:
Profhilodisaster · 15/08/2025 08:03

We've got a similar situation with my parent, we've all put our lives on hold, to a certain extent, to look after them, we have carers but they seem to be a necessary evil (parent stresses when they are late and gets upset if it's a different carer to the regular one) .
Our thinking is that this won't be forever and we love them as they have loved and cared for us for all our lives, it's the least we can do.

It's extremely tough looking after elderly parents and we are not enjoying it at all.
Cut your husband some slack, the timing is rubbish with the holiday but he is having to make difficult decisions, you should support him.

beemamare · 15/08/2025 08:03

I have a grandmother with dementia and I would drop anything if it meant it wasn't going to leave her vulnerable, confused or upset. She's not going to be around much longer. I think you need to be supportive of your husband.

beemamare · 15/08/2025 08:06

Livinlife2dafull · 15/08/2025 08:02

I have told him this. My sister in law lives 10 mins from her Dad and barely checks or contacts her Dad where as we live in another city. My husband has fell out with his sister over this and other things so he refuses to ask her. I think this is what makes me angry to be fair the fact for one week she could keep an eye on her Dad.

Don't take it out on your husband though. This update clearly shows that he has taken on the whole load. I think you also need to get out of the mindset of 'things never go right for me' too. This isn't about you. Your husband has a seriously ill parent and is facing it pretty much alone, and is giving up his family holiday to do the right thing. It sounds like things are fine for you as you still get to go and enjoy the holiday, and it's him things aren't going right for.

IntoTheFringe · 15/08/2025 08:07

Your husband is worried about his dad and is trying to do the right thing here. I couldn't be angry with him about that. As for the money, it is spent either way and presumably he would spend more on holiday than he will staying at home so I think you'll just have to let that go.

Comeonpls · 15/08/2025 08:23

It’s very easy to say OP should support her husband but when you are constantly picking up the slack at home and changing less significant plans to accommodate caring responsibilities it is completely understandable that OP is frustrated and angry that it is impacting a family holiday. We are in the same position with my FIL and I would be furious if my DH had to pull out of a family holiday. They are special times and don’t happen that often. If it was a once off I would be saying to suck it up but my experience tells me that this is probably an ongoing thing of plans and family life being disrupted. I would feel the same OP.