Freaking out about driving

[doolallysally1]

I started to learn when I was a teenager, had a few lessons, passed my theory. Mum offered to let me drive on the way back from my theory test. We came up to a huge roundabout which I hadn't done before and she freaked me out by shouting at me when I did the wrong thing. I didn't drive again for over ten years.

Now I'm 31 I'm learning in an automatic and I'm terrified of it. I'm a perfectionist so when anything goes remotely wrong, my confidence goes back to 0, like snakes and ladders. I feel like I am a good, safe driver but I hate it. I get overwhelmed on roundabouts, going the speed limit through busy streets, don't even get me started on parallel parking.

Today I was driving home with my husband and I flicked a switch on the wheel which converted the car to manual-- which I don't drive! I also had to change lanes while trying to fiddle with buttons to fix the car so I could actually drive it. The woman behind me was shouting at me because I'd stopped and was indicating to get into a lane that had a queue of cars waiting for the lights (we were in the city, so this wasn't dangerous, just not ideal). She was so aggressive and I t massively threw me.

When we got home, I botched the parking. A pedestrian was watching me struggle with a hand over her mouth in horror. It wasn't dangerous, I just did a poor job. My husband was giving me instructions, cars were waiting and I just got too flustered. My husband took over.

I don't know what I want. I just feel so disheartened and every time I drive something else happens that makes me never want to do it again. My test is in November and I'm worried I'll get in my own way and fail.

Are you also having professional lessons or is DH trying to teach you?
Maybe stick just to professional lessons until you have a lot more confidence? If you are terrified you need to have the back up of dual controls and a professional.

What a horrid stress. Why bother if you don’t have to?

"...going the speed limit through busy streets..."

You don't have to do that. It is the legal maximum speed allowed, not a target speed that you should achieve, especially if the road is busy or you are not familiar with the area.

I suggest you stop driving anywhere with family members for the time being, and only have lessons with your instructor until you feel more confident.

Stop being taught by family members and use a professional that is skilled in teaching anxious drivers. It will make a world of difference.

Today I was driving home with my husband and I flicked a switch on the wheel which converted the car to manual

Is that a thing? Never heard of it.

I do think though that you need professional instruction. You could do lessons in your own car rather than an instructor's car if you'd prefer.

Hi all, thanks for your replies. I am having professional lessons once a week and my husband is supervising when we go out on weekends.

And yes, I've heard the phrase it's 'a limit and not a target'-- I keep telling myself this! But it's difficult when people are behind you making their annoyance known 😅

I am pushing myself into this all because I have two young children and I am increasingly finding myself dependent on DH for clubs, parties etc and it's not fair on him to have to do it all.

“Today I was driving home with my husband and I flicked a switch on the wheel which converted the car to manual” - that’s complete nonsense: there’s no such switch. Manual and automatic gear boxes are completely different

Manual cars have a clutch pedal. There is a big difference between this and what you’re describing, ie an automatic transmission with a setting to manually select gears.

Ok agreed, that's what happened. I am not savvy about cars which is definitely adding to the stress.

Then you need to learn what all the buttons etc do before you head out actually driving anywhere or you’ll be a liability on the road.

Sounds like you need to stick to professional driving lessons only until you’re a bit more clued up.

Sounds like you need to stick to professional driving lessons only until you’re a bit more clued up.

The car I'm having lessons in is not the same as my car, so this was always going to be a learning curve I had to deal with outside of lessons

Stop the practice with your DH and just have the professional lessons, maybe even change instructor to have someone who is good at keeping you calm. My DS has just learnt on lessons only because he wanted to learn on a manual and we only have automatics. He passed after 8 months of weekly lessons.

I keep reading that practice is the way to build confidence (I know my post suggests that's not the case). It would be such a pity to spend an absolute fortune on lessons when in theory I could gain experience and confidence with DH. I guess I'm just really frustrated with myself that I'm standing in the way of that by being so anxious.

DH says I just need thicker skin and I'm actually a very good driver but I'm letting all these little moments get me down when everyone comes up against these things.

Sorry, that's not to say I'm replacing lessons with practice with DH-- I'm having weekly lessons just hoping to bolster that on the weekends and maybe taper off to fortnightly if I can get a handle on my anxiety.

November is ages away. Stop the driving with DH for a bit and make sure you’re doing regular proper lessons, twice a week with the instructor if you can afford it. Right now the ‘practice’ isn’t going to be doing you any favours and will likely be having the opposite of the intended effect because it’s trashing your confidence. The instructor will be able to teach you calmly how to handle all those situations without taking over and parking for you. Oh and I’ve been driving 18 years and am still baffled by my car’s sport mode that requires you to change the gears yourself with these paddles behind the steering wheel… so don’t beat yourself up for that!

I think that in your case, practice sessions with your husband are not helping you. An instructor will remain calm, not overreact and fuel your anxiety. When I was learning, I absolutely hated going out with my mum, sister or boyfriend as they all shouted at me.

Good luck and don’t give up.

Practice can build confidence but not if DH is making you panic. The fact that he says you need a thicker skin says it all - he is not the right person to be in the car with you. It takes a certain person to remain really calm when a learner is panicking and making mistakes.

You should always check you understand where all the controls are and what they do before you set off. Especially if it’s a car you’re less familiar with. This is basic safety stuff. You keep saying you’re a good driver but you’re clearly not yet!

I’m learning to drive atm in an automatic and driving with DH at the weekends etc. Driving with him is very hit and miss as he is snappy and my instructor said it’s actually affecting my confidence so I’m sticking with the instructor only for now. I’d suggest you do the same. The other advice id give is not to worry too much about what other people think when you’re driving. As long as you’re being safe obviously. They need to make allowances for learners making mistakes and not being as experienced. Other drivers make mistakes constantly so just take a deep breath and concentrate on yourself. You have as much right to be on the road as them.

The fact that a bad experience a long time ago has led to you have a significant break from learning to drive and learning in an automatic now makes me think you may benefit from counselling, therapy or something like hypnotherapy.

Don't be flustered by other impatient drivers. It's hard I know but to be a good safe driver you must be unflappable and in control of your vehicle. When I was teaching my son we started off on very quiet wide roads and he had one professional lesson per week. Once he stalled 11 times at a 5 way busy roundabout. I calmly waved to car behind letting them know we were aware and told my son so stay calm and ignore them- eventually he got on to the roundabout. Yes he was stressed but practicing staying calm in adverse situations is part of learning to drive. Good luck and don't give up just go at your own pace and stick to quiet areas if with family members x

It is possible - my car is automatic but I have 'flappy paddles' as well so if I hit one of those, I can select gears manually rather than the car doing it automatically.

Yes, that’s what I was referring to. Whilst not fully automatic in this mode, it’s vastly easier to operate than the clutch pedal and gearstick of a standard manual transmission.

It’s easy to say “just learn with a professional” but eight months of weekly lessons at the price I was paying 18 months ago would have been upwards of £1,200 if you mean one hour lessons - I always found double lessons more effective so it would have been closer to £2,500. It can be scarier doing practice with friends and family (I absolutely hated it and found it far more difficult than my professional lessons due to my husband’s style of correction) but it is mostly not having £200-400 a month spare to dedicate to driving lessons that drives the choice to do private practice. Certainly my husband would never have let me drive his car if he hadn’t been the one paying for my professional lessons!

Just keep going with the lessons and weekend practise. My mother passed her test in her early forties on the sixth attempt. She was a nervous driver (my father was always impatient with her when he took her out and it affected her confidence) but was determined to pass. My advice would be to try hard to tune out other drivers’ impatience and anyone else who tries to put you off. It’s difficult I know but you can do it. It’s unrealistic to think that every journey will be perfect even when you have passed your test. There are plenty of lousy drivers on the road who were once learners like yourself. Good luck 😉