Adoptive Sibling - I want to cut them off!

[Lollylucyclark101]

I am 40 years old.

I have 2 older siblings and 1 younger sibling.

The 2 older siblings are adopted. This has never been an issue; and my parents where very open with us as children.

My parents suffered 21 miscarriages and 1 stillborn (born at 28 weeks), before deciding to apply for adoption. In 1982 they adopted my older brother, then applied for adoption for my older sister 3 years later. Whilst going through this adoption process; they found out they were pregnant with me and then a year later got pregnant again and had my sister. (funny how it works out!)

Anyway our parents where the most loving, supportive and wonderful parents any child could ask for. Once my younger sister was 2, they decided to become foster parents to newborn-2 year olds and over a period of 16 years they had 42 foster babies.... some who went back to their birth parents, some who were adopted to new familes. The eldest of those babies is 34 (I think). Some of those adults still have regular contact with my mom and came to my dads funeral after the devastation of his death in 2018.

Anyway. When my oldest brother hit 14, he started to act out. Did drugs, drank a lot (became a borderline alcoholic), stayed out, was really nasty to us younger siblings and to my parents. He moved out when he was 19 and went to live in a bedsit with friends, where me met someone and had a unplanned baby. This woman was abusive and coercively controlling. A few years later he had a second child with this woman. During this time, contact with my parents and us siblings was very hit/miss. When my child came along in 2006, I would babysit their 2 children whilst they went on benders..... their youngest child would be desperate to see his mommy 24 hours into my care and they wouldn't answer their phones. They only came to see us (and my parents) for Xmas and Birthdays because they knew they would be getting a gift.
Also during this time, my brother contacted the adoption agency to get his birth parents information - something we were all supportive in doing. Unfortunately, his birth mother had already passed away, however his birth father was alive and well, with a family of his own as well as grand children. My brother also split up with the mother of his children at this time. Again, we and my parents were really supportive during this time!

After my son was born, my father had a couple of strokes and had to leave work and give up his car. He was lovingly looked after by my mother right up until his death in 2018... and in that time my brother took no notice of my dad and wouldn't come to see him on his birthday, no fathers day gifts, no Sunday visits etc. Wouldn't ring my mom unless there was something wrong or he needed things.
My younger sister lived with my parents until she was about 27, so she saw the devastation this caused my dad and he would say "I don't know what i ever did to make him so upset with me".... but there would be posts all over social media of my brother flying out to see his birth family, spending loads of time with them etc.

In 2015 my brother met another person, and then after 4/5 years ended up having a baby with her too. Me personally - I used to make the effort to go to see them, drop in when I could, went to their house every Xmas to deliver gifts. I have lived in my house for 9 years - and in 9 years he hasn't visited me once... so I stopped going.

When my dad became seriously ill in 2017, he was in hospital from November17-Jan-18, my brother didnt visit once. We 3 girls took it in turns each day and my mother went daily.
When he decided to give up all treatment in May 18, he knew he was coming home to die. He lived 7 days after discharge, us 3 girls and our mother nursed him until he passed. My brother came the day he died, after the ambulance had taken him to the undertakers. I didnt see my brother then until his funeral.

After the funeral, my mother tried to talk to my brother about his behaviour, and he was totally dismissive.... refused to believe that my father died thinking that my brother hated him!.... he didnt think he did anything wrong.

Anyway...... I feel that my brother has treated my parents, my dad especially disgustingly over the years. He is selfish, self absorbed and just up his own rse. So I haven't had any contact with him, his partner, his children for about 2 years. The last time I saw him was at my niece (my older sisters) birthday, just after my wedding - which he turned up to in jeans! (really pised me off as some of my wedding pics are naf!).
I can honestly say hand on heart that my parents where great parents. They loved and protected us and taught us the right way. Us 3 girls have husbands ,children, jobs etc and lead good lives. No one is a criminal etc or does bad things. So I cant comprehend why my brother treats us this way. My younger sister told me for years that he was selfish and self-centred, however I gave him the benefit of the doubt as he had, a few difficult years and would snap out of it eventually...... he never has.

Today I had a message from my mother, after not hearing off my brother since my birthday in march (customary, "have a great day") yearly text to say that my brothers birth father has died, that him and his birth sister flew out to be at his bedside when he died and that he's devastated.
I literally text her back to say "I dont give a flying fuck about <name> Psses me off that he gave his love and attention to an alcoholic that has nothing to do with him for the first years of his life, whilst the man that brought him up, loved him and gave him everything was starved of his love and attention right up to his last days.... he can go fck himself".... my mom, although appalled at my language, agreed with me.

After I got married, I changed my Will, which writes him out completely.

My older sister did try to find her birth family (again with everyone's support!) when she turned 18, however her birth mother declined contact. She was a catholic woman from Ireland who fell pregnant at age 15. My sister has never treated us like my brother has and continues to be a massive and integral part of our lives.

I really feel like texting my brother and telling him I don't want anything do do with him and the reasons why, because this text about his birth father has really riled me!, but am aware that someone he loves has died.. and i'm just not that type of person.

The next time I will probably see him and his crew will be at the end of August for a Birthday...... which i cannot miss, but I also don't want to see or talk to him...... but I don't want to cause a scene... so am unsure if I should just "bite my lip" (which really isnt me)

I think I am just going to have to shut up and put up!... anyway rant over... am I being unfair? Should I try to talk to my brother about this?

I would say don't initiate contact with him now (although I agree with you he's being a hypocrite and unfair, he's just lost a parent) but turn a cold shoulder when you next have to see him and if he asks why, you can explain then when the heat has gone out of it a little.

What really struck me from your post though is that your parents sound like wonderful people. I'm really sorry for the loss of your dad he must have been a lovely man.

My dm was rubbish. But one thing she told me was the title Dad is a powerful one...
Sounds like db was a rebellious teen and possibly believed if he had been with his birth family he would have been different... Sounds like your dm /df did a fabulous job with so many dc.... I would be tempted to see db and speak to him. I doubt he is deliberately a twat....
Though not beyond possibility..

It isn’t reasonable to expect all siblings to have the same experience of the same circumstances, and adoption is a trauma even when it is a ‘successful’ adoption.
You are entitled to make no further effort with him, of course you are. But you sound so angry, and like you want him to agree with your interpretation of your lives and apologise. That’s very unlikely ever to happen, and strangers on the internet agreeing with you isn’t going to help. Maybe consider some therapy to work through these feelings?
I’m really sorry for your loss.

The whole nature/nurture this is very interesting. Your brother's background tells you a lot about how he turned out .... addiction can often run in families. I have experience of this with a friend who has adopted teens.

Your sister's adoption is very different ... she wasn't taken into care due to substance abuse. Her mother's family probably didn't even know she was pregnant, such was the shame in those days.

I think you need to stop being so angry about this. It's sad and disappointing but not wholly his fault IMO.

It sounds like you need to quietly disengage. What's the point in going in all guns blazing?

Interact calmly when you see him at family events, don't bother with him otherwise.

I would definitely say something maybe not this minute but before August. Your parents sound amazing💓 and good for you for standing up to him. I don't think he will give a shit but at least you know he knows and you're not tiptoeing around him.

It was way too long to read, OP, but you can do whatever you like. None of us has any obligation to stay in touch with adult siblings, whether they're adopted or not.

I understand why you are angry and upset on behalf of your dad. But you have to let it go. It is a very sad situation all round but staying angry doesn't help anyone.
It sounds as though your brother has been damaged by the trauma he suffered before your parents adopted him. Trauma experienced as a child and even in the womb can have long term effects. All adopted children have experienced trauma some people are able to cope with it better than others
You don't need to have any contact with him but I wouldn't tackle him about it. It won't solve anything or make your brother's last dealings with your dad any different.

Ignore him and work on your own feelings of anger until he means nothing to you. If you launch into an attack you become the problem and he becomes the victim. Suddenly people who agree with you now will push you away. It shouldn’t be this way but this is what actually happens in situations like this no matter how justified your anger is. Write it all down, the anger, the grief the emotions and burn it, don’t waste your time on an encounter with him that will be ultimately unsatisfying for you.

I guess your brother struggled immensely with being adopted regardless of how lovely your parents are. Parents can't fix everything and it sounds like addiction was in his genes. You got to stay with and be loved by your lovely, issue free biological parents so perhaps give him a bit of slack for not having had that himself. You don't have to be best buddies, but going in all guns blazing at any point is not going to help anyone.

From what you have written it definitely sounds like he has treated you all unfairly, especially your Dad. Something must have led him off the rails as a teen though, I’m not saying that was any of you, but something must have triggered it.

I think adoption brings a lot of conflicting feelings for some. No matter how much you included him, perhaps from his own psychological point of view he didn’t feel like he belonged, then he felt he found the missing piece of the jigsaw when he found his birth father, no matter if he was an alcoholic, he was his blood. Just because your other adopted sibling doesn’t feel that way, people react very differently to each other.

I wouldn’t say anything now he is grieving because you will both end up saying things in the heat of the moment. Go to the event in August and keep a polite distance and then if you feel like it, address how you feel with him after that event.

OP I can completely understand why you feel so hurt and betrayed by your brother, especially after the way you feel he treated your dad. I'm sorry for the loss of your dad too.

However, I think you should take a deep breath and step back here. Try to understand that your brother's life experience is hugely different from your own, as a child who was born and raised by her biological parents. As a PP has said, adoption can be a real trauma and some people struggle with it massively as they grow older. Your brother is obviously one of those people, and now that his biological father has died he's likely to feel even worse as there's no more chance to make up lost time/get answers as to why he didn't raise him. It can be a huge challenge mentally.

Ultimately I agree that, on the surface of it, your brother's actions are very selfish, and you're totally within your rights to limit contact with him however you choose. But I would be wary of laying it all on the line with him as you - in the nicest way possible - will never be able to truly understand his experience as an adoptee as you were lucky enough for that not to be the case for you.

I can honestly say hand on heart that my parents where great parents. They loved and protected us and taught us the right way. Us 3 girls have husbands ,children, jobs etc and lead good lives. No one is a criminal etc or does bad things. So I cant comprehend why my brother treats us this way.

You really truly can’t comprehend it? Adoption is so hard, it’s messed him up. It’s nothing to do with your parents or you and your siblings and everything to do with the huge amount of trauma that brings, the huge amount of trauma he had from not having secure attachment as a baby/young child. And then reliving trauma as he finds his birth relatives.

Step away from him but don’t do it dramatically. Find a way to try and let it go.

This - be easier if he is at future family events and avoids unnessary drama or upsetting other fmaily members of forcing them to pick sides.

Smile nodd and rapidly move on to someone/somewhere else at events.

What would your dad want?

Not now, of course, but in time I think you'd be entitled to tell him you feel hurt by his lack of contact with your dad and you're not in a place to see him regularly at the moment. As others have said though, your experience isn't his and he's obviously had difficulty navigating that. You're all entitled to your feelings.

You are 💯 right and I am glad you have a good relationship with both your sisters. My heart breaks for your father not seeing his son before he passed. Your mother was right to cut him out of her will.

Your parents sound like wonderful people. It's common for adoptees to not feel grateful and to hold a lot of anger towards their adoptive parents, sometimes that has nothing to do with the parents in question and how good or bad they are but is about having a safe place for anger relating to the trauma of adoption.

However lucky you think your brother was to have your parents, by being adopted he is still allowed to feel he got a shit deal out of life. And he did in some ways, he had the worst possible start and a very complex family situation.

Equally just because your adoptive sister doesn't see it this way, it doesn't mean your brother doesn't have the right to his own feelings.

Your dad was a bit naive to think he had personally done something wrong to make your brother hate him, it was probably never about that.

Your feelings are valid but so are your brother's and your response to your brother's birth father's death is excessively angry. Grief isn't a competition, just because you feel he didn't grieve your father doesn't mean he can't grieve his birth father.

Having said all that he doesn't sound very likeable, however if your mother and sisters still want him in their lives I think you should at least try to see things from his perspective a bit more because otherwise you risk being the architect of a situation where you can't be in the same room or whatever and that's hard on other members of your family.

If you're still going to see him at future family parties then I'd be inclined to disengage. Don't engage with him at all unless you're face to face, just a simple hello will do.

I would just say a polite hello if you see him in person, otherwise have nothing to do with him. Your mum was right to cut him out of the will.

I think it would probably benefit you to talk your feelings through with a therapist. I can see how his ingratitude towards your family was hard for you enough, but to hear him devastated at his birth fathers death, must really sting.

I think a good therapist will help you make sense of it all

I am so sorry. This situation sounds incredibly difficult and I understand that you are hurt (Who wouldn't be? It's shit). Therapy might help you process those feelings.

I would not write him any kind of "big" message about cutting contact. That is likely to cause a lot of drama, may force people to take sides and ultimately hurt your mother and sisters.
I would agree with pps that recommended distance and disengagement. Don't contact him, ignore him if possible, be distant but polite when you can't avoid him...

I think it might help you to consider that your brother didn't choose to have two families. It's not right that adoptive children have to be grateful for their adoption or expected to show gratitude to their adoptive parents. Having two families doesn't create twice the joy and love, it tends to create conflict, guilt and feeling adrift from both.

Your brother came from a difficult background, he then had three years with your parents to himself and then three siblings arriving. He then had to contend with foster siblings coming and going. Don't you think that's a lot for a child to deal with ?

He left home at 19 and went on to create his own life. You and your sisters remained closer to home and your parents. You're different people on different paths and what your brother has done isn't all that unusual especially when your family set up isn't conventional. It might be for you, but it wasn't for him.

Yes, he sounds a bit self centered but you could live with it by just seeing him as and when and if he shows up. If he doesn't, don't put yourself out to see him or to be angry with him. Your anger night be misplaced as you seem annoyed that he appears to treat his birth family better - it's not a competition, just a complex family setup and not one of his making. He's allowed to love you all in different ways and if that doesn't work for you, don't punish him but just keep your distance and accept that he doesn't share the closeness that you had with your parents.

Lots of people had hard lives but we have agency. I appreciate he has addictions however that's not an excuse. It's only because it's your brother and you know his history if anyone else treated you like that what would you do?

Sorry, just to clarify, my brother was not taken into care because he became from an "abusive home". He was given up for adoption by his mother as she was also very young when she had him.

It was only when he got in contact with his birth family, that we knew his birth father was an alcoholic.

After watching adoptions throughout my life, the earlier you are adopted the better integration and less trauma. Both my siblings where adopted at 5 months old, but were living with my parents since birth. So, I don't believe my brother has any "trauma". He's just a selfish person and yes, I believe his neglect of my father and family is "wholly" his fault and I have every reason to be angry at the way he has treated my parents and siblings. There is no excuse.

Sorry, just to clarify, my brother was not taken into care because he became from an "abusive home". He was given up for adoption by his mother as she was also very young when she had him.
It was only when he got in contact with his birth family, that we knew his birth father was an alcoholic.
After watching adoptions throughout my life, the earlier you are adopted the better integration and less trauma. Both my siblings where adopted at 5 months old, but were living with my parents since birth. So, I don't believe my brother has any "trauma".