Adoptive Sibling - I want to cut them off!

[Lollylucyclark101]

I am 40 years old.

I have 2 older siblings and 1 younger sibling.

The 2 older siblings are adopted. This has never been an issue; and my parents where very open with us as children.

My parents suffered 21 miscarriages and 1 stillborn (born at 28 weeks), before deciding to apply for adoption. In 1982 they adopted my older brother, then applied for adoption for my older sister 3 years later. Whilst going through this adoption process; they found out they were pregnant with me and then a year later got pregnant again and had my sister. (funny how it works out!)

Anyway our parents where the most loving, supportive and wonderful parents any child could ask for. Once my younger sister was 2, they decided to become foster parents to newborn-2 year olds and over a period of 16 years they had 42 foster babies.... some who went back to their birth parents, some who were adopted to new familes. The eldest of those babies is 34 (I think). Some of those adults still have regular contact with my mom and came to my dads funeral after the devastation of his death in 2018.

Anyway. When my oldest brother hit 14, he started to act out. Did drugs, drank a lot (became a borderline alcoholic), stayed out, was really nasty to us younger siblings and to my parents. He moved out when he was 19 and went to live in a bedsit with friends, where me met someone and had a unplanned baby. This woman was abusive and coercively controlling. A few years later he had a second child with this woman. During this time, contact with my parents and us siblings was very hit/miss. When my child came along in 2006, I would babysit their 2 children whilst they went on benders..... their youngest child would be desperate to see his mommy 24 hours into my care and they wouldn't answer their phones. They only came to see us (and my parents) for Xmas and Birthdays because they knew they would be getting a gift.
Also during this time, my brother contacted the adoption agency to get his birth parents information - something we were all supportive in doing. Unfortunately, his birth mother had already passed away, however his birth father was alive and well, with a family of his own as well as grand children. My brother also split up with the mother of his children at this time. Again, we and my parents were really supportive during this time!

After my son was born, my father had a couple of strokes and had to leave work and give up his car. He was lovingly looked after by my mother right up until his death in 2018... and in that time my brother took no notice of my dad and wouldn't come to see him on his birthday, no fathers day gifts, no Sunday visits etc. Wouldn't ring my mom unless there was something wrong or he needed things.
My younger sister lived with my parents until she was about 27, so she saw the devastation this caused my dad and he would say "I don't know what i ever did to make him so upset with me".... but there would be posts all over social media of my brother flying out to see his birth family, spending loads of time with them etc.

In 2015 my brother met another person, and then after 4/5 years ended up having a baby with her too. Me personally - I used to make the effort to go to see them, drop in when I could, went to their house every Xmas to deliver gifts. I have lived in my house for 9 years - and in 9 years he hasn't visited me once... so I stopped going.

When my dad became seriously ill in 2017, he was in hospital from November17-Jan-18, my brother didnt visit once. We 3 girls took it in turns each day and my mother went daily.
When he decided to give up all treatment in May 18, he knew he was coming home to die. He lived 7 days after discharge, us 3 girls and our mother nursed him until he passed. My brother came the day he died, after the ambulance had taken him to the undertakers. I didnt see my brother then until his funeral.

After the funeral, my mother tried to talk to my brother about his behaviour, and he was totally dismissive.... refused to believe that my father died thinking that my brother hated him!.... he didnt think he did anything wrong.

Anyway...... I feel that my brother has treated my parents, my dad especially disgustingly over the years. He is selfish, self absorbed and just up his own rse. So I haven't had any contact with him, his partner, his children for about 2 years. The last time I saw him was at my niece (my older sisters) birthday, just after my wedding - which he turned up to in jeans! (really pised me off as some of my wedding pics are naf!).
I can honestly say hand on heart that my parents where great parents. They loved and protected us and taught us the right way. Us 3 girls have husbands ,children, jobs etc and lead good lives. No one is a criminal etc or does bad things. So I cant comprehend why my brother treats us this way. My younger sister told me for years that he was selfish and self-centred, however I gave him the benefit of the doubt as he had, a few difficult years and would snap out of it eventually...... he never has.

Today I had a message from my mother, after not hearing off my brother since my birthday in march (customary, "have a great day") yearly text to say that my brothers birth father has died, that him and his birth sister flew out to be at his bedside when he died and that he's devastated.
I literally text her back to say "I dont give a flying fuck about <name> Psses me off that he gave his love and attention to an alcoholic that has nothing to do with him for the first years of his life, whilst the man that brought him up, loved him and gave him everything was starved of his love and attention right up to his last days.... he can go fck himself".... my mom, although appalled at my language, agreed with me.

After I got married, I changed my Will, which writes him out completely.

My older sister did try to find her birth family (again with everyone's support!) when she turned 18, however her birth mother declined contact. She was a catholic woman from Ireland who fell pregnant at age 15. My sister has never treated us like my brother has and continues to be a massive and integral part of our lives.

I really feel like texting my brother and telling him I don't want anything do do with him and the reasons why, because this text about his birth father has really riled me!, but am aware that someone he loves has died.. and i'm just not that type of person.

The next time I will probably see him and his crew will be at the end of August for a Birthday...... which i cannot miss, but I also don't want to see or talk to him...... but I don't want to cause a scene... so am unsure if I should just "bite my lip" (which really isnt me)

I think I am just going to have to shut up and put up!... anyway rant over... am I being unfair? Should I try to talk to my brother about this?

Sorry, just to clarify, my brother was not taken into care because he became from an "abusive home". He was given up for adoption by his mother as she was also very young when she had him.
It was only when he got in contact with his birth family, that we knew his birth father was an alcoholic.
After watching adoptions throughout my life, the earlier you are adopted the better integration and less trauma. Both my siblings where adopted at 5 months old, but were living with my parents since birth. So, I don't believe my brother has any "trauma".

Hes obviously found what he wanted or was missing with his birth family, thats why hes trying to push us out of his life.

This is quite simple from an outsider's perspective.

1. Don't tackle him over the fact that he didn't give a shit when your dad was ill. It will be unproductive and probably counterproductive.

2. Cut him off in your own mind / emotionally. There is no need for you to tell him this. No drama. That way if you see him at family events you can simply say "hi" and move swiftly along.

Essentially you cut him out without actually doing anything.

I had the same upbringing? With babies coming and going. It was just a part of life.
The only difference is that he was adopted into our family and I wasn't. I dont think that gives him the right to treat people the way he does and if he is struggling (hes never ever said!) then why wouldn't HE go and speak to someone? im not the one with the issues. HE is.

I am angry that he could treat such kind and loving parents the way he has, yet be allover the people he DIDNT WANT HIM, but "love" him now he has got his own business and plenty of money.

Anyway. I am just cutting him off completely. I think thats for the best.

It wonderful he was with your parents from birth- that will have reduced the trauma.

However, he still left the familiarity of his mum’s womb to live with a stranger. He still lived knowing his birth mum and dad didn’t want him. He still has the genetic heritage of a bad start- alcoholic father, very young mum. He still spent his teens wondering if life would be better if he were somewhere else. He was still able to blame his problems on not being where he belonged, to assume (wrongly) when he got in trouble it was because his parents didn’t love him as much as their birth children.

Your parents sound like wonderful people who did everything right. That can still be ‘not enough’ for a child to do well.

However he is who he is. All you can control is who you are.

Don’t try and fix anything. Don’t try and change anything. Accept this is all there is- a self centred man with little interest in you. Concentrate on loving your mum and siblings. Let him go.

You have every right to feel the way you feel and youre entitled to cut him out or deal with that however else you feel.

However, this is a textbook story of the challenges and traumas of adoption, even when it has gone 'well'. You are massively lacking in compassion for your brother and this wont be helping you make a balanced decision about how to respond to him.

What a brat... You re right to not want anything to do with him...but as to explaining to him how awful and hurtful his behaviour was, I can't see the point. Nothing will come of it. He's just like that!

Your brother sounds a a selfish twat and he probably would have been like that no matter what and that being adopted possibly has little or nothing to do with it. All this 'trauma' that he suffered It's just conjecture and often an excuse for behaviour. It may be an explanation but it isn't an excuse. Yes there is evidence of the impact of trauma but lots of people share similar circumstances and are 't awful users. I say this is someone who's adopted myself and who have other family members who were adopted t an older than five months. at some point you have to stop blaming your childhood and take some personal responsibility.
Your anger seemed to be on behalf of your parents wh sound wonderful. If you feel that saying something to him might give you some catharsis then go for it but if you're going t say something thinking he might change his behaviour and /or apologise it /he won't.

I I have tried to change the post above to get rid of the massive bolded message But it won't let me

It does not justify his actions, I agree. Your anger is completely understandable

But can you really not understand the difference between being adopted and growing up with your bio parents and your adopted siblings?

Your DB was given up by his birth mother/parents. And it is quite likely that he grew up feeling / knowing that he was not wanted by his bio parents. Thinking that he was not good enough or worthy enough to “keep”, that they did not love him enough etc…

Theres’s also the added factor of (potentially) wondering whether your parents even would have wanted him / loved him if they had you first, whether he was the “second choice” etc.

That leaves scars and potentially trauma. Scars that can’t simply be healed by having loving (adoptive) parents or a “wonderful childhood”, unfortunately.

But his potential trauma doesn’t mean that you can’t be angry, upset and cut him off.
and if it helps you to disregard the difference between being adopted and growing up with your bio parents (plus adopted siblings), then that is your right as well.

And if you find it helpful to consider your DB a selfish, awful human being without considering any of the causes, then that’s your right as well.

Yes, exactly. I am one of five siblings, all the biological children of our parents, and our experiences of a childhood that looks technically identical are quite different. My younger sister is currently furious with me for seeing our parents less than they would like, but I am doing so because I recently made a horrific discovery about my own childhood, in which they made an inexplicable decision and failed to protect me.

Obviously you are entitled to have no further contact with your brother, @Lollylucyclark101, but I agree that you have no power to force him to agree with your interpretation of your childhood. I can entirely understand why you're so furious with him, though personally don't think you're giving credit to the likely effects of probably at least one set of other carers and the loss of his birth parents on him, and I think you're using your adoptive sister as a stick to beat him with ('Well, she was adopted, too, and she didn't act out or abandon our dad, so he can't blame it on adoption!')

But what I think is irrelevant. Some therapy might help you deal with the complex emotions aroused by the loss of your father, and your brother's behaviour.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Respectfully, all the research on adoption disagrees with you.

@Lollylucyclark101 I am confused as to why you would even have him as a beneficiary in your will??? you have a husband and will no doubt have children to whom you would leave any inheritance! your adopted brother is a very selfish individual who does not deserve to be in your family!

Leave him alone. You don't have to have him in your life but your idea that he shouldn't have been impacted by being adopted as he was a young baby/not neglected and that he shouldn't have been impacted by the revolving door of babies coming and going because you weren't is just ignorant. His experience is completely different to yours. He clearly has a lot of emotional and psychological baggage and you are not obliged to deal with any of it but to have a go at him would be uncalled for and unpleasant of you. Just cut him off and leave him alone.

I have two adopted children. No matter how lovely the new family is, adopted children have suffered a loss and it hits people in different ways. Some never get over the loss of their birth family. Some carry a lot of genetic baggage - my two have a genetic deletion which explains a lot.

I think you have to acknowledge he feels how he feels. He didnt ask to be adopted. If you feel separate in any way from your adoptive family, it's tempting to see the birth family as the "true you" as a solution.

Perhaps he just inherited some rubbish genes from his birth father.
it is every right of yours not to be in touch with him. Love your life and don’t feel bad for people who don’t care about you.

Do it. Sure, addiction can run in families and its a complicated situation with adopted children etc. But he's an arse, and as an adult, his alcohol and behavioral issues are his to fix. But he doesn't want to, so leave him to it if it gives you peace.

Your parents sound lovely OP and obviously played a huge part in the lives of so many babies and children.

But - and I really do mean this very respectfully so I apologise if it doesn’t come across - I wonder if perhaps all of that change and cast of characters (what a PP describes as babies coming and going which I think describes it well) might not have ideal for your brother during his childhood/growing up? As an adopted child it must have been quite triggering and I imagine he spent a lot of time thinking that family is ephemeral and not not forever, or something? Wouldn’t it be unusual now for families who have adopted twice to foster on a continual basis?

That said, you are perfectly within your rights to just back off from your brother if you don’t want an ongoing relationship with him; that wouldn’t be unreasonable at all!

OP, I certainly wouldn’t say anything to him, but I would simply carry on as you are now - see him at the odd family gathering, but otherwise, simply have nothing to do with him. You don’t need to cause upset or bad feeling by saying anything: just let it happen. You clearly feel he has let down the family that loved him and brought him up, but it sounds as though your DM is still fond of him and in contact. Don’t upset her - just ignore him and move on.

Your brother sounds so self centred that any comments you make to him will be ignored/disbelieved. So ignore him and concentrate on the rest of your family ( you all sound like a lovely close family) take care 💐

OP I'm so sorry - this all sounds incredibly difficult, and I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. Your parents sound like lovely people.

For what it's worth, I do wonder if perhaps his mother was an alcoholic as well? Impossible to know now I guess, but he may have suffered from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

I agree that quietly cutting him out might be for the best - I wouldn't do it in a dramatic way, to avoid upsetting your mum, but just stop contact. It doesn't sound like he'd really notice anyway.

It sounds really upsetting for you and your mum (and your dad) as he clearly had the love of a wonderful family growing up.

However, in the nicest possible way OP, his upbringing was not the same as yours because his started with a loss. As a baby he was taken away from his biological mother and that can have a deep and profound affect on adopted people. It is common in a family where two people have been adopted for one to become the “good one” and one become the more difficult one.

In order to help with your own feelings and to perhaps make sense of the anger you feel, have a look at some of the You Tube talks that Paul Sunderland does on adoption. He is an experienced therapist who started his career working with addicts and now works with adopted people. They really give you an insight in to how adoption can impact on people.

I am not trying to negate your feelings as he has behaved in a really unkind way, but understanding more about adoption might help you to help him.

I think it’s possible he’s inherited his birth family’s problems with drinking. It’s best not to waste the time or energy trying to get him to change or see sense. He’s an addict. He needs to sort his shit out himself, and that will only happen if he wants to. It doesn’t sound as if he has the emotional intelligence to connect to you and your mum or his own kids. Why waste the oxygen? It’s also possible that he’s got foetal alcohol syndrome…. Was he a badly behaved little kid? Aggressive? Hyperactive, inattentive, unfocused, etc?

@Lollylucyclark101

your mother is the most important person in your life, the one who should protect you no matter what.
Whatever her circumstances, in his eyes your brothers birth mum gave him away. For many adopted people that feels like the ultimate rejection, incredibly damaging to your self esteem and self worth.

You are entitled to your feelings about him but please do not say he has not experienced trauma.

@Branleuse

No child should ever have to feel gratitude for being adopted.

I am both an adopter and now a foster carer.

this is good advice.
Also, his behaviour has become mixed up with your feelings of grief over the passing of your dear dad and I think you need to find a way to separate these two things if possible.

Someone professional in real life who you could talk through these feelings with might help. Your dad sounds like a wonderful man.. and he was surrounded by love to the end. You did everything you could for him. Focus on that.

Your brother just wasn't built like that and perhaps he knows this. What he did was not good behaviour at all and has hurt people, but people deal with their feelings differently. You are really angry with him which is understandable but it is hurting you and I think it would help you to get some help dealing with that anger.

The next time I will probably see him and his crew will be at the end of August for a Birthday...... which i cannot miss, but I also don't want to see or talk to him...... but I don't want to cause a scene... so am unsure if I should just "bite my lip" (which really isnt me)

I'm no expert.. but what you have to gain by having it out with him either before or during the event? You both have such different outlooks on what's acceptable. He sounds self centred and may not even recognise what you are saying. and a show down may not achieve what you are hoping for, so you should consider what it is you want from him and whether that is achievable.

It might be cathartic to have your say, in a factual non emotive way.. but that's where I think you might need proper advice.
However, I do think that saying something either before this big birthday or at the event itself is a big mistake. It might overshadow the celebration, ruin what should be a comforting family gathering for you and your DM and other siblings and bring up difficult conversations about your Dad, perhaps cause a scene or a drama (depends on how either respond) and ultimately upset others like your DM. In fact as he seems to be withdrawing from your family, he may not come to the event at all.

At the same time, the event is hanging over your head. Which is why I think you need someone knowledgeable to talk to and take some time to consider how and when you might communicate with him, what you can achieve and whether it is worth it.
I'm sorry for your loss. Your DF must be very missed.