What am I supposed to think here?

[need2ventmama]

Hi, I really want to hear other peoples’ opinions on this. I come from a family where my parents really and truly go above and beyond for my brother and I, and always have done. Both of us are married with children. My parents aren’t rich or anything, but they’ve always wanted to provide what they can; so for example, we were doing up our house; they gave us some of my dad’s pension pay out to help pay our mortgage off and do our garage, they gave us a small sum when we got married etc etc, their providing isn’t just money; my dad has literally helped transform our house, he does bits that make a difference that my husband would honestly never bother to do. He and my mum support a lot like cleaning, cooking etc to make our lives easier given we went with the whole 3 under 2 thing! My in laws however, don’t really do anything. They do however, since having kids, enjoy time with our children. I don’t really have any expectation of them to do anything as I know my parents love language is different to many peoples which is fine. Anyway, just painting a picture for you.

so anyway, my dad used my husbands sliders to do some garden work, and my husband is extremely pissed off that he keeps using them. To be honest, I didn’t think it was a big deal? I get it’s annoying, but I see a bigger picture that the man is doing so much for us, and my husband does f all around the house. He irons and mows the lawn and that’s all he does, the rest is all me to be honest.

I feel really awkward about my dad. After maybe 4 times wearing them, my dad finally asked if it’s ok he’s using them and offered to get my husband a new pair. I told my husband to show him that my dad isn’t some monster, and he’s kicked off even more saying it’s worse now cos my dad knows it’s wrong?

it’s an effing pair of sliders!!!!!! Am I being out of order?

Ok so you agreed to stay the night once a fortnight years ago before you got married.

things change. Can’t you see that what might have been fine pre-children may very much not be fine years down the line where is starts to feel like a bloody big burden? You can’t hold something against someone because they agreed to something many years ago in completely different circumstances

TALK to him. Sit down and start by saying you understand the slides thing really upset him and the degree of his upset really surprised you. Encourage him to communicate with you where he is with the whole in-law relationship thing

I said this but husband is still harbouring anger over the subject as a whole

I really don't think it's that "deep". I wouldn't want my MIL wearing my footwear either 🤢 I think you need to separate your resentment towards DH not doing his bit with this slider issue.

To be fair though, your DPs are pretty unusual. Surely there are many things that all of us are too exhausted to do at home or can't be bothered. It's lovely that your DPs are so helpful but it doesn't necessarily make your DH out of order for not being like them.

Guys maybe I should have said more on this. We see my family much less than we did before kids. It’s something he used to encourage. So don’t shoot me now it’s one night every fortnight, it was a huge adjustment me moving to his home town and one we had always enjoyed. We constantly reevaluate it, but its already way leas than before I believe in compromising, which is why I never kicked off, but the rate we are heading, is no time at all, just Mondays when they look after our kids. And by the way, it’s not religiously every fortnight, it’s just roughly every other week. For example, it will be like 3 to 4 weekends since we been down next time we go! It’s not like the world falls apart every if we don’t go lol

But this is missing the point, they help because we need the help. The fact he does none of it isn’t the issue, it’s just how he can resent people who do so much for him. He always says how helpful it is, but is resenting my dad over a pair of shoes

Thanks for all your comments. I think I need to chat to my husband about what’s maybe causing this kind of anger and if he is finding my parents too much and what I can do to change. If he deep down doesn’t like them, then so be it, I find a way to see my family on my own. I don’t have a lot of friends that I see as the ones I have up here there’s just no deep connection to; my close friends live elsewhere. My in laws also there’s historic issues where his mum and dad haven’t said nice things. I do my best for the kids and my husband but I can’t force them to be nicer lol.

I feel that you are missing the point. The sliders have nothing to do with how much they do for you. What makes you think he's resentful? He literally just doesn't want to share shoes. It's nothing personal towards your dad. I feel you are taking it as a slight towards your family but it's just a slight towards other people's crusty feet 😉

It’s just the way he’s speaking about my dad that’s bothering me.

Hmmm…. This is tricky. On one hand it’s absolutely amazing and lovely that your dad does things. On the other, someone using my shoes would be a bit like them using my toothbrush.
Personally, I feel your husband should go out and get your father a pair of his own sliders for when he helps at your house, by way of thanks for all his effort.
Your husband is a lazy dickhead

Now we are getting to it. How is he speaking about your dad?

I get that. You sound protective over your lovely family and probably hate to think someone could harbour negative feelings towards them. I just think that putting someone else's shoes on is crossing a line just like you read posts on here about "helpful" MILs who clean and tidy people's houses when they're not home. Personally, I would love this(!) but, no matter how good the intention, some just feel their privacy has been invaded, much like your DH.

Your DH is a lazy selfish git .
He should have bought new sliders and let your Dad have the others .

Well don’t see your parents for a couple of months and see how you both feel?

No, months is out of the question. They’re my parents and he knew how close I was, he happily played happy families when it suited him. He always wanted a family feel in and around his life. Plus why should they not get to see me and my kids all of a sudden? He happily has them look after the kids whenever he wants?!?! That’s literally just letting him use them!

I think it’s important to give your new family a chance to grow as a unit. The fact 8 short weeks sends you into a tailspin indicates to me that you ARE very enmeshed with them. Talk to your husband but if it’s making him unhappy you should consider his feelings.

8 short weeks? Babe, if they take care of my kids 1 day a week how do I do the 8 short weeks, my dad has pissed him off on that 1 day a week; not at their house

To be honest; you’re bringing up some real feelings here which is good. No, I can’t just cut them out to appease him, because thAt means no respite, and I can’t do everything all on my own for that long, I can’t do it if he doesn’t pull his weight, and we’ve gone weeks without visiting my family, and I know exactly how we felt. He was begging for a break. So this is a case of a very selfish DH

@need2ventmama do not loose your family for a useless husband. .
Maybe reconsider a lazy useless selfish man as someone who is met to be your team mate . Not out for himself .

Your man sounds like a childish, manchild prick to be perfectly honest with you. If my father in law was doing all that for us, I'd let him wear my best jeans and trainers, then tuck him in at night.

Zombie thread alert @LoyalMember

I wonder if your DH feels like it's yours and your parents' world and he's just a side character in it? Which is all his fault of course for being a lazy knob. But maybe your dad's appropriation of the sliders was just one trespass on your DH's space too many?

edit: Oops, didn't spot it was a zombie

Apologies, I hadn't noticed the age of the thread because I was so incensed by the OP's husband's infantile attitude. Please lock if you have to.

Husbands being a pissy little baby and kind of ungrateful.

buy him some new sliders and tell him to put a sock in it (excuse the pun)

apologise to your dad for his shitty behaviour and thank him again for all he does for you

also apologies - why has this come back around?

Your husband is a dickhead.

It's funny, I've noticed quite a few really old threads being posted on just lately - a couple were over 10 years old!! No idea how people are even finding them.