What age is too young to be a mum?

[Bekki]

I am 21 and I have a 2 and a half year old son and I have another baby on the way. To many people I seem to be a drain on the over-stretched benefits system. People also assume I'm unmarried, unemployable and a terrible mother. I have never been accepted at mothers and toddler groups and older mothers whisper about me in queues. I have really enjoyed coming to this site and my age not being an issue. But after a short while I realised that I had slipped my age into one message for the sole reason that I felt I was lying. I knew that many of the mothers would never normally strike up a conversation with me and talk so frankly about their parenting choices. I also might not have been congratulated by many of you for my present pregnancy. I am a good mother, I am married, I work part-time and I am an under-graduate in Social Sciences. I am delighted by this (planned)pregnancy and I know that this will complete our family. My only fear is that my son will be out-cast by his peers because of innappropiate, unsubstantiated claims about my life-style. I want my son to go to a good school and to do this he is attending the best playgroup I can afford, but I have to grit my teeth when I hear the whispering and disgusted looks from the other more appropriatley aged mothers. I'm sorry if I have offended some people or come across as bitter, but this is three years of frustration instigated from another conversation I have just read. I am not too young to be a mum, I do not regret my life choices, I am happy and content with my life and the stability of my marriage. Is there really an appropriate age to be a mum?

None at all. There are excellent young mothers and bad ones, and excellent old mothers and bad ones. Age has nothing to do with it, you are either ready to have children or not, and the 'correct' age varies from mother to mother. I will just have to stop my horror at being old enough to be your mother !!

This age thing is all a load of nonsense. Anyone who gives you a hard time based on their ideas of your social situation is an idiot! And anyway who ever said that young single mothers on benefit can't be excellent mothers? Tell 'em to mind their own buisness.

well bekki, imo you can not put an age on when its best to have a baby, my aunty is 30 and in her opinion she wants kids but is too young to have them!!!, i feel if you are happy with the situation then that is great, unfortunately we live in a world where a lot of people have very strong opinions, why people can not go about there own business without worrying about others in beyond me, my best friend had a bay when she 18, she raised the baby single handed (she split up with the childs father after 3 years when she was 5 months pregnant). she is a good mother (child now 10), but she had a lot of problems with people being nasty and assuming things.

i hope everything works out for you, i am sure it will as you seem very clued up.

I think the right age varies by person. For me, 30 was right but a baby at 19 would have been way too young, but that's obviously not the case for you. I'm sorry you've had bad experiences from other mums - they are probably just remembering how they felt at your age (or they're jealous!).

Well, I'm a good deal older than you and still not old enough to be a mother in my opinion

And I'm definitely, utterly not old enough to have a child at school come September.

A friend's nanny is probably about your age and is qulaified and paid to look after 2 children aged nearly 4 and nearly 3. If she is deemed old enough to be in charge of 2 lively small children than how can a mother of the same age be deemed terrible?

I'd probably find it difficult to talk to someone of your age in, say, a mother & toddler group but that is to do with age differences and nothing to do with supposed life choices. I find it difficult to talk to the nanny I mentioned for the same reasons. I'd certainly not whisper about a young mother, I may look and then wonder about her but I do that with every mother/father I see with children the same age as mine or pregnant.

It's only in more recent times that mothers have become older. My mother had completed her family of 3 younger than I was when I had my 1st. There is no right age to become a mother really although there are obviously ages where it is inappropriate.

Absolutely not. The appropriate age to be a Mum is whenever you feel that you are ready. I would hope that many of the mothers here would talk to you in real life - I certainly would, at least long enough to find out if you had anything worthwhile to say It must be awful to feel so isolated from the other mothers near you. Do you feel brave enough to approach some of them? If they get to know you better they might see past the young face and body - Hell they're probably just jealous that you don't have lines on your face.

And congratulations on your pregnancy

You can please some of the people all of the time, all of the people some of the time but you can't please all of the people all of the time - or something like that!

I think you sum it up when you say "I am not too young to be a mum, I do not regret my life choices, I am happy and content with my life and the stability of my marriage" you have to do what makes you happy.

One of my old school friends had her family straight after leaving school and her oldest 2 have now left home. She suddenly has her life back and she can do what she wants whilst I'm still stuck at home day and night with an awkward 3 year old. I think if I had met Mr Right at 18, I too might have had my family earlier, it was only financial constraints that made me wait until I was 26 as I had craved a baby long before then.

By the time you reach my age (36) you will be able to find time for yourself, perhaps train for a career and take advantage of what the world has to offer without worrying about your biological clock ticking away. I can't say that I did all my living before I had children - I didn't, I don't know what I did with my time or money in those days.

You are obviously very happy and devoted to your family and I don't think you should take these thoughtless comments too personally. Many of them probably come from people who are jealous that they won't have the benefit of your youth to enjoy their future freedom.

Exactly. I'm in a very priveliged postion for someone my age and this enables me to have children now I feel ready. I really feel for other mums who aren't in such a secure position and still have to deal with motherhood and age discrimination as well. I still treat the other older mothers with respect and I expect the same back but I realise that this is alot to ask and so I will just grin and bear the insults. Has anyone been discrinated against for being an older mum?

Bekki, sorry you're getting this treatment. I agree with hmb - there are good and bad mothers regardless of age. I don't think mumsnetters are biased or anti young mums at all though, there are all sorts of age ranges here, so welcome. And I do think you would have been congratulated on your pregnancy, regardless of your age, honestly

Have any of these mums actually said anything to you about your age? Are you sure this is at the root of it? You're not too young to be a mum IMO - being one at your age was the norm years ago, surely? I don't know what else to say except could you get to know some of the mothers at playgroup a bit better so they get to know the real you and stop making assumptions? Understand if you don't want to though.

By the way, Bekki, congratulations on your pregnancy, when is the baby due? I've got 3 years between each of my children which felt about right for me but it seems to have been a lot of nappy years in total. Its so exciting on here when due dates approach and you MUST arrange internet access from your hospital bed to inform us of the news!

Sorry there was only one message when I posted the previous message. Thanks everybody I'm sure that my sitution will improve soon and I'll hopefully meet some more accepting mums at ante-natel classes. Hopefully I have not crossed a line with this subject and I hope I can put other younger mums at ease by bringing this up.

I will be 30 in June but as everyone always says 'I feel the same now as I did when I was 18'.
When I think I've been in this relationship for over 7 years and married for 4 of them...well on 6th Feb it will be anyway! I've got 2 DS's(3.5 and 18 months) and want another one. I can't believe I've done all this as I simply don't feel old enough.
The pregnancies were both planned and the wedding was a lovely quite occassion as I was nearly 8 months pregnant, and No I didn't wear a white dress as I could hardly pass as virginal! These are all choices we have made together as Husband and Wife but when I think about these choices they seem like such grown up things.
So if there is a right age to be a Mum I'm not entirerly sure if I've got there, but then thats part of the fun still feeling like a kid at times when the real kids in our house want to have noisy time and we can all dance around shouting at the tops of our voices. Who wants to grow old before their time anyway.
As for people turning there noses up at you, well it's their problem and although I'm sure it upsets you (I've had similar treatment but it's a very long story)Just stick your nose right back up to them!! You're in a good relationship, you go out to work AND you go to college plus you've got a little one and one on the way, MY GOD WOMAN, ARE YOU SUPERHUMAN?
I wish I had more constuctive advice to give other than sticking your nose up too but I'd find it hard not to do it if I was in that situation. I suppose the 'Grown up' thing to do would be to ask them what their problem was and put them on the spot or find you who your son plays with a nursery and get chatting to the other child's mum then before you even start you've got a topic to talk about.
Ohhhh I came over all sensible then didn't I, maybe I am a grown up after all. Quick get me some penny sweets.

Bekki, I know how you feel. I'm 22 and have a 4yr old and a 21month old. I'm single, and also very happy with my life choices. Apparently I look young for my age, and many people are shocked when they see me with 2 children in tow.

What kind of area do you live in? Where I lived before though was a small village. The post-natal group I went to continued to meet at each other's houses. The next youngest woman in the group was 10yrs older, and the oldest (who ironically I got on best with) was 21 yrs older. I continued to go to the group, but was very mch the outsider. They used to start discussing 'personal' subjects and look at me like I was a child that they couldn't say these things in front of. It really used to get to me. And then I got pregnant with my 2nd child, and the whole attitude changed. It was made very clear that I was no longer welcome. I was invited once after dd was born, and I went along as ds was missing his friends, but I felt I was there very much so they could see how badly I was doing. I've not seen any of them since.

In contrast, where I am now (in a town) there are lots of other Mums my age, and the M+T groups are a good age mix. It is so much nicer. Are there any other groups you could go to locally?

At the end of the day, try not to let it get to you. You know you're a good mother and your ds knows you're a good mother - that's what's important. Don't let other people's prejudices get you down.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

I beleive I'm due around early September, although I haven't been to my GP yet to have this confirmed. I thought that a 3 year age gap would be perfect, although my mum thought that a 20 year gap sounded better. It would be alot of nappies but I decided that at 18 months he would be potty trained and to my amazement he was fully toilet trained by 2. Getting him off the bottle on the other hand is an entirely different matter. Thanks again everybody I feel like a weights been lifted off my shoulders.

You did well with the potty training, mine were all 3 before they even considered performing on the potty. DS1 is 10 next month so I've had virtually 10 years of nappies. DD is finally dry by day but I haven't even considered trying at night and we're still having poo problems in the day.

And anyone is welcome at our toddler group, we normally only have 6 or so members and generally spend the session moaning about our men or discussing last night's television, so if you could add your bit to either of those you'd never be left out.

The mothers in my area are divided into young, single mums and old(er) married mums. I am in between categories and as a result I have no one to really share my experiences with. With the younger mums I don't relate to their lives and conversations and older mums its the same situation. So in reality it is in part due to the social division of age rather than snobbishness. It's funny to hear that you never quite feel old enough or mature enough to be a mum even if you're older and already have kids!

I think its a real shame when there is age prejudice. You are not too young to be a mum and I am really suprised by the reaction you get from others. Rise above what they say and be proud of how well you are doing and what you are achieving...what right do they have to judge you particularly when they dont know you.

Bekki, my mum was (is) just the same, too. Parents, eh?

I turned forty last week, have three under four and can assure you I am TOO OLD FOR THIS.

I have 3 children (13,10,25mo). All 3 were planned with my 1st at 19. To many that seemed young but to me I felt I was ready to be a mom. I wasnt your typical teen that rather be out dating and just hanging out friends. Which is perfectly fine too. I just liked being a wife, mother, a stay at home family person.

I would never think anything of someone who is 21 and having children. Now someone who isnt out of high school of course I do feel different. All though some of them are better moms then someone who is a lot older.

Hi Bekki again
DW and myself are 21(but dont look it still look like kids) and have three year old & A 7 month old and i feel the same as you. When we go shopping we get people staring all the time we have even had people comment on how "wrong it is". And you are right in when you mention peoples misconception like unwed, on benefits, unfit parents ect. Well I think NOT we are married I'm working our kids are very very well provided for. Only the person(S) can decide when they want to become parents! Ideally i want to be 25, own a house, be in the police force before I had any children but it didn't work that way, which I would NOT change! on the other hand we have also had people come up to us and say that we are doing a marvellous job and how well catered for the children are. There was 1 inperticual lady who came up to us as we were having a drink and said that it was great see a young family so clean, well dressed and very well provided for THIS WAS SUCH A COMPLIMENT and a very proud moment. It used to both me what people thought and said but now I just say stuff them. PHYSICAL AGE SHOULD NOT MATTER(WITHIN REASION) ITS MENTAL AGE THAT MATTERS!!!!!

Bekki
Regarding your question on being given grief for being an older Mum, this has never happened, but I did get stick for not starting my family 'at the right time' before I became Pg. I worked in an office, and some old bag came in the day her son's wife had given birth, and said 'I don't know about you modern girls, it is about time you all started a family etc etc'. And this to a group of 4 women. I had started late partly through choice, and partly because Dh had not long had the all clear from cancer, had a mc with left me infertile for a year. One of the others was having infertility treatment. One wasn't able to have children because of cervical cancer. And the last had just split up from her long time dp.
It was all I could do to stop from crying, but I did say 'I've just had a mc'. The old bag was totaly unashamed of her tactless comments.
People can be horribly rude about the life choices of others no mater what age you are. Good thing we are all so nice on Mumsnet .

Bekki

Sorry to hear that you have been treated like this.

My DW has had almost the exact opposite problem at one of her play groups where the young single mums tended to group up and exclude the older married mums and be a bit nasty towards them.

I could understand their opinion if you were just 17 and No2 was on the way and visibly single but as things are they really need to remove their blinkers.

Like Jasper I'm nearly 40, only been married 4 years, dd (1) was planned, but conception took a while, and I definitely feel far too old for this job.

i have days when i feel too old for this parenting thing and other days when i feel too old, and i am 28, its probable a faze most people go through.