What age is too young to be a mum?

[Bekki]

I am 21 and I have a 2 and a half year old son and I have another baby on the way. To many people I seem to be a drain on the over-stretched benefits system. People also assume I'm unmarried, unemployable and a terrible mother. I have never been accepted at mothers and toddler groups and older mothers whisper about me in queues. I have really enjoyed coming to this site and my age not being an issue. But after a short while I realised that I had slipped my age into one message for the sole reason that I felt I was lying. I knew that many of the mothers would never normally strike up a conversation with me and talk so frankly about their parenting choices. I also might not have been congratulated by many of you for my present pregnancy. I am a good mother, I am married, I work part-time and I am an under-graduate in Social Sciences. I am delighted by this (planned)pregnancy and I know that this will complete our family. My only fear is that my son will be out-cast by his peers because of innappropiate, unsubstantiated claims about my life-style. I want my son to go to a good school and to do this he is attending the best playgroup I can afford, but I have to grit my teeth when I hear the whispering and disgusted looks from the other more appropriatley aged mothers. I'm sorry if I have offended some people or come across as bitter, but this is three years of frustration instigated from another conversation I have just read. I am not too young to be a mum, I do not regret my life choices, I am happy and content with my life and the stability of my marriage. Is there really an appropriate age to be a mum?

28 and feeling too old??? I'm 36 and have just had must first - plenty of people thought I wasn't going to have children. Isn't it great how other people start assuming things!
The best age for having children is... when you feel it's right (bit of an old cliche). I've got friends my age that seem really old and some that are as immature as I am. I wasn't ready for children until now, and now I'm as happy as Larry!
My friend said that sometimes when she goes to pick her children up from school some of the other mums think that she's the grandma.... hmmm.
There will always be some insensitive people whatever age you are, so ignore them (they're probably not as happy as we are anyway!!).

I agree that there is no right age for having children. I was 34 when I had my first and agree with Phillipat that I wouldn't have been able to cope at 19 either, I was too immature, so good for you. The people that assume all these things and whisper about you in queues obviously haven't anything better to do with themselves.
If you are happy and content with your live then don't worry, so many people out there aren't.

I have just turned 26, I have ds1 who is 4 and a ds who is 2, I have just had a miscarriage which would have been my third child. Ds1 was born when I was a couple of weeks short of 22. I got married at 20 and we planned our family. I hate the thought that people think ds1 was an accident.

I did get comments that I did things the 'wrong way round' and didn't get myself a degree and a career first but I am glad to have done things this way round. I did a year at uni before ds1 and then am carrying on via the OU while my children are small. I have plenty of time for a job later and to me, I have done things in order of importance.

Try not to take any notice, you shouldn't have to explain yourself.

My Mum was 40 and my Dad was 38 when they had me and I couldn't have asked for better parents. It's not your age that matters.

I am 23 (nearly 24) and have a 5 year old, a 2 year old and 15 month old. My Ds wasn't planned, DD1 was planned and DD2 was a HUGE shock I had a miscarriage between DS and DD1. My first two both have Cerebral Palsy. I am married to the father of ALL my kids (we were asked at one of my antanatal appointments with DD if DH was DS's dad!!!!!) We have been together since we were 16 and still are very much in love. We are well provided for with DHs job. I don't work as having two disabled children means that its impossible to work, but as I said DH is very well paid.

I am quite lucky that many people accept us as we are but I did at one point make a huge effort to flash my wedding band for all of the world to see.

The way I see it is that 50 years ago people use to marry at 16 and start families straight away so what is the differences. And I was talking to one of the mums in my street who have a 25 year old, 22 year old and a 9 old year!!! (she is nearly 50) and she said that it was all happening in her day but noone talked about it.

Did anyone watch the programme on the 12 year old that is pregnant??? Now that IS too young!!!! It upset me to watch it. The poor girl was soooooooo young and had no idea what she had done. She didn't even know what the "Tablets" you can take to stop you getting pregnant were!!!!

I actually don't care what other people think... I am a good (no make that GREAT!!!) mum and I have had to deal with more s* that some of those older, up themselves, mothers. I have had to deal with TWO lots of devastating news, knowing that two of my children have learning problems, speech delays, need physio EVERY day, both have to wear splints, they can't walk very long before they tire so they both have buggies. We have three kids in buggies!!!!!

I had to watch my DD1 fight for her life when she was born and watch her fight through illnesses and infections. And I can safely say that not many people could cope with all this. I feel that being a younger mum helped me through the hard times and I have come out the other end a stronger and better mum than I feel I would have done had I not had to deal with all this.

Beki, I'm truly amazed you say that people talk about you and insult you because of your age. I'm so flabbergasted I have to say, are you sure? How do you know that other people think you are unmarried and a terrible mother? It seems quite possible to me they are just looking at you not in disgust but in amazement that you have a child and a baby on the way and look so wonderfully freshfaced and unlined. Or that they are just admiring you and your baby. Some older mums may also feel that they won't have that much in common with you simply because of the 20year age gap, not because they don't like you as a person or disapprove of you. I have to say, I have found that motherhood gives you a lot in common with other women regardless of age, but before I had ds my youngest friends were in their late twenties and that sometimes felt as if we were at different lifestages. I'm now 39, ds is 15months and I have got to get my greying hair coloured ASAP! I would have had children younger had I met dh before I was 35, but life deals us all a different hand. My NCT group is lovely - ages range from twenties upwards to me. I'm over ten years older than the youngest one and we get on so well. I hope you don't get offended by this, but if you really believe that people here wouldn't have congratulated you on your pregnancy if they'd known your age, and 'know' that they wouldn't have discussed their parenting choices with you, aren't you just as guilty of making negative assumptions about other mothers because of their age?

mieow - so impressed with what you are managing (can't imagine coping with that, whatever age) - I'm pretty impressed with Bekki juggling family, college and work. I must be too old!

But most of all, I loved mieow's 'nearly 24'. There's the real age difference showing through! I can guarantee you won't be 'nearly 34' in 10 years time!

My dh does the childcare 2 days a week and he says other people with kids always look at him strangely/pittingly etc. I think that's dreadful - I wouldn't judge a work colleague on how old they are or what sex they are (but I guess some people do).

One good thing on Mumsnet though there are no prejudices to age, because you don't have to say anything about yourself if you don't want to and I don't think most of the people would judge you anyway.
I like it because I don't know anyone at all on here face to face and whatever I write will only get either helpful advice, constructive comments or at worse start a riot but at the end of the day its not personal

Bekki, you do sound like a good mum so please don't let others get to you. I'll be 39 (aagh) when No 3 is born in April and in a way feel not old enough even now. But in another way it would have been lovely to have them when DH and I were younger - ie more time to enjoy them with more energy etc. It was not to be (only got married 5 yrs ago) so it's great for you that you've got such a good life at your age. As PamT says, you will still be young when the children are grown up which will be excellent. I'm so sorry that people whisper about you but I can sympathise to the extent that (as I've posted elsewhere) a lot of people obviously think I'm mad to be having a third baby! The trouble is that people can't resist sticking their noses in but we shouldn't be troubled by it as we know we are happy and therefore right. Good luck with your pg.

Bekki - yes, I have experienced 'discrimination' & rude comments (including the usual 'is that your grandson'!) as an older mum - nearly 45 with a nearly 2 year old. However I do think that as you get older you really don't care what other people think or say!!

There is never an 'ideal' age to have a child - although you will have the edge on us oldies in terms of energy I am sure!

Most of the incidents I mentioned occured when I was 18 and I looked young for my age. At that time the insults were too much for me to cope with and I fell into a depression after my son was born. It is hard to beleive now but I had one man shouting at me in the street about why I thought I had the right to take his wages through benefits. That incident was too much. A similar incident happened in a supermarket queue where two 30 something pregnant women were talking out loud so that I could hear clearly that this specific supermarket was "swarmed with gym slip mums", they went on to discuss the benefits system and how they wished they conuld get that amount of money for being irresponsible. That didn't make me sad, that made me angry. It was aimed at me. As I've got older the comments have become much less but that dosen't stop me from being angry at the way I have been treated by supposedly 'maturer' mothers. Its going to be difficult to drop my defenses when meeting other mums but I suppose its me whos got to drop the pre-conceptions. I'll try to join in more at playgroup and find similar objectives with the others but it'll be hard, as those first two years with my son were almost ruined by some very insensitive people. Everyone here has been lovely and I was probably wrong to start a conversation that upsets me so much and that I feel so strongly about. I don't want anyone to think that I'm being deliberatley offensive to all older mums, because that is not actually my belief. I just wanted to open peoples eyes to the fact that younger mums are the same as normal mums and they tend to be a lot lonlier and more insecure too.

No, Bekki, you weren't wrong to start this thread. If it only makes one "normal aged" mother think before passing judgement on a "too young" mother than surely you've done your bit to make things better?

please don't let mums attitudes in the past effect new mums that you could meet, i am sure that there are a lot of mums out there that would be more than happy to be nice and friendly.

I feel annoyed on your behalf at the way you were treated. Can't understand why a lot of people are the way they are.

At least you have made some nice friends on this web-site.

Bekki, you do realise the big upside for your children of you being a young mum, is that you get to be a young grandmother and help them out! I speak as an older mum with a mother who has more energy with my children than I have!

Bekki,
I'm 42, dd is 22 months and I constantly wish that I'd been able to do this when I was much younger ... she has never been a good sleeper and sometimes I just feel like curling up in a corner and sleeping for a month because I've got no energy at all! The trouble is that I didn't meet dh till I was 34, didn't get married till 35 and then spent 5 years trying to get pregnant so circumstances conspired against me.
My Mum was only 20 when she had me and the result is that we have a really close relationship - I hope that my relationship with dd when she is grown up will be as good but I'm sure the big age gap will make a difference.

bekki, i had much the same experiences as you i had my first when i was 17. like you i was married and so not in with the single mums and not with the older mums either. it is very difficult, however i suppose i was in a "better??" position becuase living in a poorer area i wasnt out of the ordinary for having a child at a young age i was however out of the ordinary because i was working and studying. so i havent come accross some of the predjuces that you have. as a side note - i went to a new years eve party and where we now live is very much middle class in most areas, the people at the party assumed my eldest son wasnt my husbands, they coudnt get their heads round me being married for 13 years which is longer than they had been married - and being only 30! i had never come accross this before and absolutley love being able to take the high ground and making them look silly for their assumptions

Hi all!! Bekki, thanks for sharing your views on this very touchy subject. I too am a young mum, I had my DS at 19 and felt very much the same as you. I was unmarried when I had DS and was treated badly by the hosp midwives. My doctor treated me like a child ( although seeing me grow up with them must havae had something to do with it!!) The shop keepers and chemist on my road where much the same, they saw me grow up and well I guess they saw me as their family. My Mother was disapointed and I felt very bad. People gave me bad looks on buses,when I was p/g and wouldn't let me sit down even when DS was born and I carried him in a sling, people would look at me, cut their eye and stay in their seats. when I was in labour one of the midwives lectured me. And even though we told them that DH (DP at the time) was father, the midwife wrote in my notes that he was my brother!!!! I don't mean to sound all negative, but I found that when I went to the clinic, the other mothers looked down at me and the workers were too. I didn't go to M&T group cos I couldn't take the treatment. I wish I had now as DS finds it hard to interact with children his age. He didn't go to nursery as the gov ones in my area are not too good and I couldn't afford to send him to a private one. I look young for my age and looked about 15/16 when DS was born. my voice is young sounding and I get so much stick. Bus drivers argued with me and wouldn't put the bus floor down so I had to lift the push chair onto the bus. In this society we live in, where people want to say that they are tolerant, I find young mothers are looked down upon and illtreated. I congratulate you Bekki for going to work and college. I too work and have finnished my college. I was at uni when P/g but had to stop as was in Northampton ( I live in London) I was away from fam and DH (DP at time) I also was doing too much and had labour pains at 6 mths and was advised that If I didn't stop overdoing it I would have to be induced. The last straw was when I was admited to the labour ward at 6 months, I saw the cot in the room and decided I was putting baby at risk. I am now 24 and am due in august, I now will not take any crap from midwives and/or hosp. this time around. Although this baby was unplanned DH and myself are very happy. I feel like an outsider at times too, I am young, married and have a child, friends my age are free and single or have child but still go out and stuff. I on the other hand have a home to run,DH and DS to look after, Work to go to.... Bekki don't worry about the treatment we get. people can be ignorant but the good people outweigh the bad. people looked at my baby and said "thats not your baby is it!" they still do!! I say proudly "Yep" and leave them to it..... Anyway, I'm sorry for prattling on and on, I have kept alot of that in till now!! Congrats to all you Mums-to-Be regardless of age, we are all blessed with a life that is growing inside of us!!
PS try taking ds to the shop where you buy bottles from and show him one of the trainer type bottles, they come with a normal bottle teat and a "sip cup" teat they also have detachable handles. Tell him that it is a "Big Boy" bottle and that it can be his to have drinks and milk in. let him carry it and pay for it, then take it at his pace when you change the teat. That worked for me. My DS wouldn't drink milk from a cup or juice from a bottle!! but he loved the training bottle. Also don't feel presured to get your DS to levels. I felt pressured and wanted to prove I was a good mum. Every child is different, they pass different stages at their pace, it's important to let them, one child may be potty trained but not bottle weaned, one may sleep through the night while one can eat with knife and fork.... I'm reall going now (what am I like chating away )