How do i stop shouting at my 3 year old son

[mev]

All i seem to do is shout at my 3 year old. I start every day with the intention of not shouting, but after a while i start again. If i take my eye off him for a second he is doing something naughty ie putting something in the video etc. I feel like an awful mum for shouting all the time. Any advice would be appreciated.

I have the same problem. I've tried the softly softly approach and tried reasoning with him, and distracting him, and giving him more attention (we also have a ds2) but to no avail. However I have noticed that the noise level in this house gets worse with my menstural cycle and at it's peak no-one and I mean NO-ONE can do a thing right. When my period finally arrives it's like flicking a switch and I'm nice again but the build up is horriable.
I used to take evening primrose oil which help with PMT and they worked a treat but I keep forgetting to buy some more so maybe theres my answer. Maybe if you've noticed any pattern in you 'mood' they could help you too.
Hope this helps

I would proof your house as much as you can to prevent as much conflict as possible - eg: put a childproof cover on the video or put it on a high shelf. I would also think about whether something is really 'naughty' or naturally experimental and therefore could be channelled or even encouraged. Do you maybe expect too much from him in terms of being tidy and quiet? Is he a little bored or are you terribly busy and he is trying to attract your attention? Childen usually prefer to be shouted at than ignored so will 'provoke' if they feel they don't have your attention (this isn't meant to be critical of you BTW). There is a book called The Social Toddler which I found very good at explaining why children behave the way they do and ways of improving your relationship. One little trick to improve behaviour is to stop staying 'don't' - ie if you say 'Don't put the sandwich in the video!' it immediately puts the idea in their head. If you say, "put the sandwich on the plate. Good boy! Well done! they are less likely to think of putting hte sandwich in the video! Another one is to give LOTS of praise all the time for 'good behaviour', which may mean just sitting for a minute with a book 'Good boy. Aren't you clever to read that book' or for following any instruction, no matter how small. Also, give instructions really clearly and concisely as children often misunderstand what you want of them. I think it is wonderful that you want to improve your and your son's relationship and I'm sure you will get lots of sympathy from others for losing your temper from time to time, which is perfectly normal.

thanks aloha & emmatmg. I can take something from both your advice. i work from home so sometimes it is a case of putting the video on and hoping i am not disturbed too much. i only work a max on 2 hours a day and this normally fits in with him being at play-school. I do get over critical of myself because since i had him i suffered PND and still trying to shake it off now. My periods are very erratic and i have cycles of about 60 days, but i will keep note to see if this is a factor. it has been worse recently and i am due on so you might of just cracked it. thanks

i know exactly what you mean, all i seem to do is shout at my son,he is 3 and very trying i have tried praising good behaviour, but its not long before he is winding me up again.
please help i am new to this site and don't understand some of the apprev ie ds etc can someone help. thanks

oh i am not lazy i have tried to locate this information on the site with no luck, maybe someone could tell me where it is or let me know what the common ones are. thankyou in advance

Hi happydays and welcome. The abbreviations are as follows:

Ds/dd = Darling/dear son/daughter
Dh/Dp = Darling/dear husband/partner
Dw = Darling wife
SIL/MIL/PIL = sister in law/mother in law/parents in law
IMO = In my opinion also IMHO = in my humble opinion
IYKWIM = If you know what I mean
IIRC = If I remember correctly
HTH = Hope this helps

These are the most common onces anyway. To do a smiley type : followed by ) and you get this: a grin is : followed by O to get this:

thank you very much wickedwaterwitch, i kind of guessed a few, but some i was really struggling with. thanks again, hope to talk again

IMO it is impossible (and a recipe for misery and angst) to work from home and look after a child at the same time (I work from home). It is too frustrating and that can make you feel under intolerable pressure which may affect they way you feel about your son. I totally recognise this feeling. Can you get someone to babysit for him while you work or increase his hours at playschool so when you are together you can focus on him alone. I am sure he is picking up that you have your attention elsewhere and probably picks up on your tense mood too. I do understand this because I work 3days a week but still get calls & emails on the other days which I feel I have to attend to - but if I do I notice I feel much more stressed and impatient around ds, so I make an effort to only work when he is being looked after or he is asleep. Go and see your gp about your cycle. it can be caused by lots of things which can also affect your mood. A few tests could give you an explanation and maybe a solution.

thanks aloha, i will definately try to put my son elsewhere when i work or do it when he is asleep. i too have endless phone calls when he is here that have to be dealt with then and there, but i will try, as with my cycle, my doctors said as that he can out me on the pill to sort out my periods(the pill didn't agree with me) or else there was nothing he could do, i had a hormone test and nothing out of the ordinary was picked up. unless anyone else has some idea's on period. i once was told that if you drink a glass or sherry it brings your period on (seriously it wasn't a wind up) i drank 1/2 bottle of the vile stuff and nothing happened. (except i had a bad hang-over)

My 18 month old can be a real pickle, and my dh and I have noticed that it coincides with us not looking at him. If we try to have a conversation during a meal, he starts throwing things or whinging! I think that we have always given him TOO much attention, and that it should hopefully improve when he can talk to get our attention.

I'm not saying that you have the same thing Mev, because it does sound like yours is work related. I have noticed that my ds is better when getting lots of praise, which he is at the moment, because he is trying to walk a lot. So, the advice about praise seems good. It is hard though isn't it, when you have 101 things to do, and your child picks up on that and decides to play up!

I would say that you are obviously a very caring mother, because you are worried about shouting. If you were not a good one, you would be like the women we all see in towns and supermarkets yelling at their kids for no reason. Try not to worry too much, but perhaps see it as an excuse to read him a book or something? I'm goint to try really hard tomorrow not to say 'No' to my ds, and to try distraction instead!

i found myself in the same situation as you mev, but found that rewarding good behaviour was a good idea, i did a good boy chart and if he did something good then he got a sticker after 15 he would get a little gift ie little car, bubbles etc, when he filled a page 60 stickers he got a big gift like a new book. it worked a treat, he was forever doing things saying can i have a sticker. saying that i would like to meet a mother who doesn't ever shout at her kids. i am not saying she doesn't exist, i would like to know one.

Hi Mev my ds is 5 and I have a very similar problem to yours at the moment and sympathise although I cannot offer any constructive advice other than count to 10 and taking deep breaths and as for Chinchilla's comments about seemingly uncaring mothers who yell at their kids in supermarkets for "no reason" how do you know that are yelling at their kids for? Dont judge another mother unless you are in her shoes its a hard enough job

i had the intention of not shouting today, but within 2 minutes of him being up i was shouting again, i sometimes feel its a habit now and when i try to reason with him and walk quietly he will either laugh/squeeze my cheeks, run off, i try hard not to shout, but its hard when it takes 10 minutes just to put his shoes and coat on with all the messing about hiding shoes, not allowing shoes on esily etc etc.

Happydays, when I read your quote it struck me that this is exactly the same behavior as my 3 year old so maybe and very much hopefully the is just a phase.
I do still shout but I've noticed over the last week or so that he's being quite nice, whether this is because it's finally getting through that I won't tolerate his behaviour or, which I think is more likely, he's growing out of it as he'll be 4 in April. I really do hope it is the latter as like you I have good intentions everyday but within minutes of getting up it's all started again and I feel awful about doing it.
It often feels like a never ending cycle and I can't get off but as I've just said he's been quite good over the last week or so, so maybe I'm turning the corner.

and long may it continue, mine is at play-school, thank god they started back today, that probably didn't help that with the naff weather you are couped up all day.

Hi,
My 3 yr old is exactly the same, it takes anything upto 25 minutes to get out of the house, I dread appointments, particularly morning ones. We start 1 morning a week at play school this week, god help me to get him there for 9 am.
I am now finding that if I threaten to leave without him it can help, i.e. I put on my shoes and coat, pick up handbag & car keys and walk towards the door. Don't want to use it too often tho' in case he calls my bluff.
I get up every morning determined not to shout, but rarely manage a whole day.
I hope the determined naughtiness does eventually get grown out.

i got into a habit of saying that i would go without him months ago, and he still hasn't called by bluff and i have to do it at least 5 times a week.

I have even been mean and said that if he is naught then father christmas will want to take his toys back. Am I awful?

No Breeze you are not awful. In the days leading up to Xmas we threatened to ring Santa on a few occasions to tell him ds was naughty.
Since, we have used the same story, we will ring Santa to take the new toys away.

BTW, this morning just befor 7a.m. ds climbed on our bed and started thumping dh. dh took exception(can you believe it) and put ds back in his room and shut the door with a slam. Some crying ensued, but after 10 minutes both apologised to each other, and ds got dressed and went out to nursery with minimal disruption.
perhaps I've been just a bit soft !!!!

No Breeze you are not awful. In the days leading up to Xmas we threatened to ring Santa on a few occasions to tell him ds was naughty.
Since, we have used the same story, we will ring Santa to take the new toys away.

BTW, this morning just befor 7a.m. ds climbed on our bed and started thumping dh. dh took exception(can you believe it) and put ds back in his room and shut the door with a slam. Some crying ensued, but after 10 minutes both apologised to each other, and ds got dressed and went out to nursery with minimal disruption.
perhaps I've been just a bit soft !!!!

I too found I was shouting at ds (20 months) at mealtimes, as he hardly eats anything and often throws everything on the floor. I hated myself for doing it and that only made me crosser!

I started taking evening primrose oil and now find that exactly the same things don't wind me up in the same way at all. Ds also seems to be throwing things less, but that could just be a happy coincidence, rather than a reaction to my lack of a reaction (he now just gets a disappointed look rather than a big shout).

i started today with the intention of not shouting or getting aggressive with ds, its not 5 o'clock and i have managed it all day and he has responded well, and while he was eating his dinner he said to me "i,m a good boy today arn't i mummy" then replied 'you've been a good boy too mummy as you haven't shouted", even though he was covered in chocolate mousse i have him and big kiss and cuddle. I love moments like that.

Yup, they do that to you.

I had a reasonable day yesterday with ds. No shouting from me, and he didn't hit me once. Today doesnt count as ds is at nursery (I am a SAHM but believe he benefits from contact with other children, and we all benefit from me having time to do housework etc without his "help" Don't know how much longer I can afford it however. Place at my chosen pre-school playgroup awaited.
See how tomorrow goe, I have bought a big calendar and some stick-on stars to try and start a rewards scheme.

Thanks the trouble with kids, one day you seem to shout non-stop , the next day they are angels (or close as) , and you need guilty about shouting the previous day, but then the next day the cycle starts again . Today i have been determined to not shout even though he has knocked my drink over, pulled my hair, had various tantrums over nothing. It helps i can get my frustration out in text.

I am also trying not to shout at my kids as part of the new 'regime' in our house. There is far too much noise from the minute they wake up. I am trying to impliemnet a few new rules hat will help us all, such as get dressed and downstairs before TV, and no food eaten in the living room. Well with 2 (one 22 months, one 3 3/4) if it hasn't been one it's been the other. But I haven't shouted for 3 days. How can Iexpect my DD not to shout if I do it (well that's the theory). Bt everything takes so long if you spend time reasoning with them!!

Day 1 - baby went out in the car (dh gives me a lift to work) dressed in a vest and blanket It was the first day of the snow.
Day 2 - baby got dressed, older one went nuts becasue I forgot her 'school bag' and screamed teh whole way.
Day 3 - Manged to get them dressed, breakfast was the issue
Day 4 - when one was screaming the other was being all smug and good!! What was funny was the way they kept telling me how naughty the other was being as if butter wouldn't melt (when they had been naughty just a moment before!)

Oh well, the weekend should be the real test, but I am determined not to shout.

I am also guilty of being a shouter, I'm sure my eldest 2 must have some sort of hearing problem as they only ever respond when I yell.

One tip I did see somewhere, not sure where, was to imagine that you are being filmed or that everyone can hear you. I manage not to shout when I'm out in public, so in theory it should work at home. Imagine you are on some docusoap type thing, I'm sure you'd shout less. Works for me anyway.