Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

Getting married

31 replies

GreatDreamer · 12/04/2025 17:56

I am getting married and me and my teen will be moving in with future hubby into his house
last night we were discussing this and he said our room we can do as we like as with teens room the same but the rest of the house is not to be touched
we we are both in our 50s so I’ve got a few personal bits and pieces and sentimental things
i haven’t lived with a partner for over ten years due to past history (ex was abusive) and my hubby to be hasn’t for over six years
he’s given me a small glass room as my own so I can put a lot of my things there but perhaps it’s going from having my things around me to not that’s worrying me somewhat (if that makes sense)
I don’t mind photo albums etc being in the loft as I don’t look at them now
maybe I’m over thinking …. He’s a lovely man in every way , no red flags, and I know we are both going into this for the long haul so compromises do have to be made on both sides and yes mine mainly as it’s been his home for a long time and set in his ways, has anyone gone into a similar situation and resolved their mind from over whirring and possibly creating more than is really there ??

OP posts:
muddyford · 12/04/2025 17:59

So your things are less valued than his? Even though you will be sharing a house, finances, everything? I would put this one back, even at this stage.

Sleepalldaylong · 12/04/2025 17:59

Why would you move in with him when he is making it clear that it will still be his place and not your place? It doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for your child either.
Do you have your own place at the moment as maybe you could buy a place together as the new marital home?

autisticbookworm · 12/04/2025 18:03

So neither you or your teen can treat the house like your own? It would be a no from me, I wouldn’t want to feel like I was living in some one else house and I definitely wouldn’t expect my child to.

Original poster
GreatDreamer · 12/04/2025 18:04

Thanks you’re both saying what is in my head, his house is bought mine isn’t, I used to own my own house but after dv and a very sick child I’ve rented ever since,

OP posts:
ohnowwhatcanitbe · 12/04/2025 18:07

"He's a lovely man in every way"

Oh no he isn't.

Original poster
GreatDreamer · 12/04/2025 18:08

That’s where I think this is going tbh, I didn’t want to get lost in my own head, or making it seem I’m being irrational so I thought I’d post on here as I’ve seen others get great advice, I know it’s meant to be about give and take but I do feel it will be on one persons terms which didn’t sit right with me, don’t get me wrong I wasn’t expecting to jump in and change everything just make it feel a bit homely for us too which doesn’t seem to be something that’s possible so maybe a think about the future is something I need to focus on

OP posts:
BIWI · 12/04/2025 18:10

He’s a lovely man in every way , no red flags

Sorry, but that would be a HUGE red flag for me! He’s basically making it clear that his house is his territory and you are very much the inferior in this relationship.

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 12/04/2025 18:11

When is the wedding? If I were you I'd postpone it for a while, so you can think things over and decide whether this is really what you want.

BIWI · 12/04/2025 18:11

I would be looking at buying a new house together, so it’s a truly equal footing.

Are you sure that your DC is happy with this arrangement?

Bailiwitch · 12/04/2025 18:15

Please, please change your mind about marrying this man. You can choose to live in an atmosphere of humiliating second class residency - but your child clearly doesn’t get a choice. Is that what you want for them - to spend the rest of their dependent years with you as barely a lodger in someone else’s house?

Good God - do you really need to ask?

Original poster
GreatDreamer · 12/04/2025 18:15

Hi, up until this convo I should have said no red flags, after this convo my heads been a bit all over the place and I’m sat here looking around at my things and that’s why I wrote on here, the wedding isn’t for a year or so and perhaps I’ve been caught up in the whirlwind since we got engaged and now reality is setting in after this convo

OP posts:
Sleepalldaylong · 12/04/2025 18:15

He is telling you that he will be controlling before you have even moved in.
Dont do it OP. You are giving up your independence for this.

SallyD00lally · 12/04/2025 18:16

If he's not ready to turn his house into yours and your teenager's home, then he shouldn't be getting married.

And quite frankly nor should you.

What's going to happen if he dies before you? Will any of it be left to you, or will you and your DC be out on your ear?

Ilovemyshed · 12/04/2025 18:17

“No red flags”. Honey, that is one giant red flag. Run.

Original poster
GreatDreamer · 12/04/2025 18:17

Thankyou all for your kind and honest words,

OP posts:
IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 12/04/2025 19:14

He doesn't value you equally, or your child. This will never be respectful relationship. Don't get married.

Original poster
GreatDreamer · 12/04/2025 21:20

Tbh before putting up this post I thought people would say it was me but I’m glad that what I feared is what others see in the situation, it did worry me when he stated it last night cos that isn’t an equal relationship, I know it would have been his house we would have been moving to but I thought it would be our home until last night,

OP posts:
CarpetKnees · 12/04/2025 22:02

I'm with everyone else.

"No red flags" - er, except for the fact he doesn't see you as an equal partner and doesn't understand the concept of living together as a family altogether in what his going to be all three of yours home.

I'd put the brakes on any wedding plans and have some conversations about moving into a new home together. But I'd also do a trial run of living together to see what other unexpected issues are going to come up that haven't occurred to either of you yet.

Bailiwitch · 12/04/2025 22:30

Someone ‘set in their ways’ is not someone to move in with, anyway.

You say your child is a teenager? You’re not making huge changes during their preparation for exams, are you?

Original poster
GreatDreamer · 12/04/2025 23:09

My teen isn’t doing exams and any decision I make she is apart of, if people read my replies I explain before last nights comment there were no red flags, I stayed purposefully single for over four years because my child asked me to so her opinions are always valued,

OP posts:
Original poster
GreatDreamer · 12/04/2025 23:12

I do appreciate all your responses and you have me in total agreement, I guess it verifies the thoughts I was having weren’t being generated by me wanting to make our home together, I’m no gold digger and have paid my way through the entire relationship

OP posts:
BIWI · 13/04/2025 00:02

So have you changed your mind about moving in with him?

I really wouldn’t be leaving the home that you and your DD share, if your prospective partner is making such pronouncements about what you can/can’t do.

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 13/04/2025 00:11

Can you really see yourself living in a home where you have no say in anything? What if you are fond of a picture and want to hang it on the wall, or buy a set of new mugs for the kitchen, and he says no? Imagine how that will make you feel.

This is a disaster waiting to happen.

Original poster
GreatDreamer · 14/04/2025 23:32

Thanks guys for all the replies

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 14/04/2025 23:45

last night we were discussing this and he said our room we can do as we like as with teens room the same but the rest of the house is not to be touched
we we are both in our 50s so I’ve got a few personal bits and pieces and sentimental things.

What does this mean though OP, does he mean decorate? or does he mean personalise? If it means decorate then in fairness it's not an unreasonable thing to state before you move in, I think it would be natural to want to move in and make it your own, so if he already likes some of the space the way it is then I can understand him not wanting to immediately change everything, especially if that was the impression he was getting from your conversation.

Also, does he have children too? Is he a widower? I think those two things would put a different spin on him wanting to keep some things the same.

No need to panic just yet, but you probably do need to explore this topic a little more and try to understand his motivation behind what he is saying, don't jump to conclusions.