How do I get people (especially other mums) to understand that I'm NOT unfriendly, just really really shy?

[lostinlace]

All my life I've been painfully shy, caused massess of problems when I was a teenager (depression & so on) but learned to cope with it & get by with no/very few friends.

6 years ago I moved a long way to move in with dp, started new job, etc. & knew no-one apart from him. Fell pregnant very quickly & got severe pnd. Since then my self-esteem has been so low that despite desperately wanting to make friends I have found it impossible to believe anyone would want to be friends with me and am now very lonely & isolated. Luckily my children don't take after me and are very social and confident but eventually it's going to have an effect on them, surely.

I feel it most now when I wait for ds after school - I daren't talk to the other mums so end up just watching ds. They must think I'm very unfriendly & over-protective of my child, but I'm not!! Just convinced that I'm too boring/stupid/physically repulsive for them to talk to.

How do I get over myself? I know I'm not the only person in the world to have problems with shyness!

What doesn't help is the dreadful state of our house & garden - really manky & unkept (and the garden is too unsafe for children to play in unsupervised). DP refuses to let me do anything about it - he wants to do it himself, which is admirable but will never happen.

Hope someone answers this - I can't remember when I've been so honest with myself all in one go Back to stiff upper lip & denial!

PS - I have been offered the chance to join a self-help group to boost confidence using CBT but want some common-sense advice from 'normal' people

lostinlace I'm so sorry you feel like this. I have also always been shy, but not that much. I remember as a child people said I was shy and so I believed it and became even more shy. Were you also labelled like that as a child?

I'm afraid if you appear aloof and unapproachable then people will think that you are like that. There are some mums at ds' school who keep apart and never smile or say hello so other people don't bother with them either.

I think that other than the CBT you just have to slowly widen your comfort zone and strike up conversations, eg at the checkout, in a bus queue etc, maybe one thing a day. Just think of what your shyness is costing you and that you have nothing to lose by saying hello. Have some ideas in your head for conversation starters. How old are your children?

you NEED to join the self-help group

you also NEED to smile at people and acknowledge them .. say hello .. make it a point to say hello to one person next person and smile at them

and if you're bothered about house and garden then just get on and do it this weekend .. if DH wants to do it, drag him along to garden centre with you

(nobody else will be bothered about it .. but I can see that you may be more confident if it is a safe environment)

how old is your school child? you could arrange a playdate with his best friedn?

I know how you feel. I am like this. It seems so impossibly hard to just walk up to a group of mums and join in so I hover.

I'm sure the self-help group will be useful. Do go.

Perhaps just try to make yourself follow one 'sociable' rule at least once each day, e.g. giving someone a big smile and holding eye contact, or making one 'small talk' comment.

hello I also find it very difficult to approach new people, to the point that whilst DS was at nursery I was the aloof unsmiling antisocial one whilst desparetly wanting /needing someone to talk to me first. I spoke to my SIL and she advised me to just smile at everyone when he started school and to stand next to people and just to try to join in naturally even if it is smiling and nodding. It DOES work. However i am now stressing about playdates....how do you go about that then

I have no idea really because I'm not shy BUT I would say that i think you are overestimating what other people think. When I see someone standing on their own, I'm not thinking 'oh god she's so unfriendly' or 'why can't she be bothered', I'm probably so busy looking for my child or someone I know to chat to that I'm not noticing anything at all .

I would try the one on one thing first - like Twig said I think. Have another child round and ask the mum for a coffee - start small (if you feel more comfortable like that) then move to taking on the world!

this might be hard but try and force yourself to start talking to ppl and you will soon forget that you are shy!

if that is too hard how about starting a night class or something you might make friends that way or see if anyone on mn lives near you and would meet up for a coffee

and smile at ppl, nod your head to say hello stand near ppl your dc's are friends with and they might initiate conversation about the dc's

I have a friend who goes to a self help group and it has done wonders for her. She is an ex alcoholic clean 3 years and due to now being her real self she was also painfully shy but due to this course as she calls it shes now a volunteer working as a alcohol and drugs councillor and her confidence has soured!!!

Please do go it will do you wonders i'm sure.

Join the group and the CBT will give you fabulous steps and get rid of the overwhelming urge to stay away from people. It only takes a smile or nod to start communication and if any of the Mums are like me, talks to anyone whether they like it or not, they will respond very quickly.
Good luck and go to the group!!

Thanks to everyone who's answered. Out of interest, what would you think if someone who hadn't been friendly before suddenly started talking & joining in - would you let them or would you freeze them out because you'd already decided whether or not to like them?

I can usually manage the intial 'hello' but it's believing they'll want to talk to me again, or having the courage to try & develop a friendship I find so difficult (risk of rejection, I guess).

Sometimes I do seem to scare people off a little but don't know if that's because I veer between friendly & unfriendly (on a low self-esteem day) or because I come across as a bit desperate for friends.

I've always worked with the general public & been very popular in my job but that's easier - I have no choice!

I would be really pleased if someone that had never spoken suddenly started talking, noone would freeze you out unless they're fourteen!!
FWIW, everyone gets rejected but it's about personalities that match and everyone being busy, not because you're a bad person. perhaps don't invest too many feelings in it until you're feeling relaxed and that it's worth the risk.

Hiya, try not to think about how they might react. Success is going up and talking to them - just that! If you focus on someone's reaction, it's easy to get knocked back and give up.

Good luck and the group idea sounds great. Hope it goes well.

Definately join the delf-help group, CBT works wonders and an opportunity like this might not come along again!

I can sympathise with you, I often find myself standing alone in the playground, I tried smiling, making small talk, and standing near other people but it hasn't really developed from there, and mums that talk to me one day don't even give me eye contact the next!

I used to let it bother me, and wondered what made me 'different', but now I don't let it anymore, I smile, say hello, and know that I have friends outside of the playground and that's good enough for me.

I would be really pleased if someone started talking to me, and am always greatful when someone does, so I'd imagine most people feel this way!

i wouldnt freeze you out as i am an adult and i dont make snap judgements on ppl i dont know/have never talked to! if they dont talk back maybe they are shy too! i dont speak much to other mums at school simply because a lot of them are older than me but there are a few the same age as me that i do speak to when i see them

I don't think most people think like that. Honestly, most people don't care. If someone started speaking when they hadn't before, I wouldn't think anything of it (though I might be a bit more curious I suppose).

I think you've got to be careful starting from the point where you think everyone you speak to might turn into a friend. I have a lot of people I speak to at school but I wouldn't consider that many of them to be proper friends iyswim but I'd still give them the time of day, have a chat, have a coffee etc.

Where do you live lostinlace?

Are you sure that you are not still depressed,just that your comment about how you think people would think you're boring/repulsive/stupid strikes me as a touch paranoid which is a sign of depression.

If not try practicing smiling at people,it is the ice breaker and opener and the more you do it the easier it gets.

Im the same - I do force myself to smile at people so everyone smiles and says hello to me now but I still find it hard to join in with conversations in the playground.

Doesnt help that I look incredibly confident in fact an ex-boyfriend said "I thought you looked like the most confident person I had ever seen the first time I met you" Er no...Ive just learnt to fake well.

im sure other mums must acknowledge you in some way, a nod, smile, hello. just say hello back, thats all. one thing that bugs people is people who blank them which is what you may come across as doing, they dont know you ar eshy they will just think youre "funny".
im sure people dont think the way you describe, we arnt all perfect.

Ooh you coul dbe me

I have no decent advice - I was lucky at school, DD made friends with an outgoing mum's child, and she introduced me to another of her friends - I am now good friends with the friend (does that make sense???). I have DD's party coming up and I am terrified of mum's deciding to stay - I am hoping most will "dump n run"

I used to be painfully shy, to the point where I was actually quite rude to people who approached me, not intentionally, just assumed everyone who was nice was taking the p** because who would want to be nice to me? Anyway I decided that really I probably wasn't that bad, took a drama course which was great and pretended to be confident, I really think I hit a low and thought one day I'm sick of this, I'm not going to be shy anymore, whats the worst that can happen. Well it took years, but slowly I got to the point where I stopped pretending, my friends today wouldn't consider me shy at all.

Foxinsocks is right, making friends is a slow process, and starting with low expectations is easier. You will get rejected, but it isn't personal, I have very few people I consider friends, and making mummy mates has been hard and you assume everyone else can do it why can't I, but most people are shy to some degree. Good luck, and do take the course, it could be the best thing you've ever done.

you do need to smile like twig said.

i've got more friendly, but i used to be shy and even now i'd rather just rush in and out. i know i can come across as having the right ump or looking aloof but i can't help it. i have a naturally fed up face people are always telling me to cheer up even when i'm happy.

it like you just have to think, i'll smile and think about somthing nice and look at people and say hello.

I am exactly the same although thankfully I have got a little more confident over time.

I hated my teenage years. Everyone thought I was really aloof and rude and I was called some horrible names behind my back. In reality, all I wanted was to join in and be friends but couldn;t.

When I was at University I met a girl who seemed so incredibly aloof - I had never met anyone like that before and realised that I was just seeing me through other people's eyes as this girl was really shy too.

That made me realise the importance of smiling and appearing friendly, even if it's the last thing you feel like doing. I decided it is better to grin like a loon than to stand there stoney faced and for the large part I have been surprised at how receptive people have been when I have made a real effort.

You have my sympathies. It's really hard and frustrating too because for many people being outgoing and chatty just seems to come so naturally. I think both you and I need to accept that for us it doesn't and requires a little more work.

And - I think you will find, the more effort you make to appear friendly, the easier it will become.

Good luck!

Lostinlace, my advice is: practise, practise, practise! If you're not ready to approach the other mums at the school gate for fear of what they think or might think, then try small talk with absolute strangers, for example when you stand by the ride in the park watching your lo. Make eye-contact with another parent standing near you, ask how old their child is, just anything. You'll be surprised how people respond.
It will give you much-needed self-esteem boost and courage to start up a conversation with the other mums at the school.

I don't know if this is your cas eor not, but when you do chat with people, make sure they can hear you. Sorry if it sounds obvious, but I remember one mum at a toddlers group and she was very shy and just whispered. It was impossible to make conversation simply because you just couldn't hear what she said.