Gparents not considerate of baby?!

[caif90]

Hiya,

Would love some thoughts on this as we're going away for the first time with baby and my parents. We're staying at a cottage they own in the UK while another family and my brother & his gf are staying in accommodation nearby. We do an annual get together with both our families which is usually quite raucous by the end after everyone's had a drink!

This year we obviously have baby and my mum had just mentioned she's invited everyone (10 people total) to the cottage after a lunch out for drinks and games. I asked whether everyone plans to leave around 6:30/7pm when baby goes down for bed - to which she said they probably won't leave at 7pm. The cottage is small and in the past, these two families coming together have not been known to be quiet! 😂

Now we have baby (and aren't sleeping well at all atm!) I'm quite surprised that this hasn't been taken into consideration. I appreciate my parents want us to be there and also have a good time but we now have a 4 month old to look after and so our priorities have changed and we won't be downing drinks or compromising on her routine - especially since she's not sleeping well atm. I'd be so angry if she was woken by noise - because any parent will know how long it can take to put a baby down in the first place!! We also probably will want to go to bed when baby does / or just after to maximise sleep.

I'm now thinking we should look at staying elsewhere and booking an airbnb or something so they can have their fun and we can slip off around 6:30pm to put baby to bed etc. I didn't realise initially this was the plan otherwise we would've booked somewhere separate already.

Am I being too rigid in my approach as a mum or is this totally valid? I don't really know how to approach it with my parents - because I know realistically on the night it's not really going to be possible for everyone to keep noise down after 7pm considering she'll be sleeping in the room directly above - and it also won't be as fun for them having to be conscious of this either.

Help and advice warmly welcomed! TIA!

I understand how difficult it is when you’re very sleep deprived. But you can’t expect everyone to tiptoe around your baby and change all their plans. It’s good to have a routine, but also best to keep a bit of flexibility at times. And for your baby not to be used to absolute silence as this can’t be maintained all the time.
Sounds as though it would be best for you to stay elsewhere. Is it possible for you to swap accommodation with your brother? That way he can stay at the cottage and not have to worry about getting back after drinking?

Am I being too rigid in my approach as a mum?

Absolutely.

And are you really going to go to bed at 6.30om/7pm on holiday with family each night?

I mean I know what it's like to have a baby who doesn't like sleep much, DD2 was that baby, up every hour till she was 6mo. But if you have family support, divide and conquer. Or one of you take it in turns so the other can actually enjoy a holiday. We went on holiday at a similar age with DD1 at 3 and DD2 4mo or so and we made time for ourselves too, and took it in turns to have a nap when needed!

This is one of those things that you will just have to suck up. How old is the baby? Could they just stay with you having cuddles- mine would have probably slept on and off and just had milk at that age,

You're in their house so they'll want to have a decent holiday.

Stay somewhere else, or use white noise. You'll need to learn to adapt to doing things in a less-than-ideal way when with grandparents. Get used to things like sleeping arrangements being less than ideal, them visiting during nap times etc etc.

The noises in the womb are really quite loud. Babies often sleep better
with background noise. I’d just carry on as usual just minus the drinking too much.

In my experience babies will sleep when they’re going to sleep, regardless of noise.
This would apply to my DC as well.

PFB

Find alternative accommodation rather than expecting several other people to accommodate your requirements.

Ah come on now op

It'll be fine. My friend brought her family up living over a pub. Imagine that noise every day.

What's with all the snark at the OP? In my experience I would look at somewhere else for the night/stay even. Could you take over the accommodation your siblings booked?
Is there anything in that? They're annoyed you're staying with family and they've had to book?

I know that having a young baby is very hard, but yes, I'm afraid you are being far too rigid. It is unreasonable to expect adults who have come round to your parents' accommodation for a sociable evening to be as quiet as mice because your baby will be in bed. They won't.

Be flexible. Babies do need to learn to sleep and settle themselves with a certain amount of household noise going on around them. Some 4 month olds would be OK with that and others might need help. In the end there's only one way to get them used to it and that is by exposure to the noise levels. Mine would have been OK with it.

Maybe your baby will stay down or maybe not, but you need to be flexible. If they need to be up with you for a bit longer than usual that night then so be it.

Your baby will settle when they're tired. You can't force everyone else to adhere to your routine.

Would it be easier for brother and gf to share with parents and you take over their booking? Means you can leave when baby needs bed?

Unreasonable to assume parents wont host others or ask them to leave at 6 30/7.

You might actually find your baby settles better with noise around them.
Relax OP!

You remind me of a friend. When she had her first baby, her entire world started revolving around her child (which is of course normal) and she insisted that everyone else "be considerate" and keep theirs centered around her and her needs. She would throw a hissy fit any time someone suggested doing something she wouldn't be able to attend due to her self-imposed rigid schedule. She would bring her baby to get togethers or game nights and try to make everyone tiptoe and whisper after 7pm. Another friend quickly made it clear that she couldn't expect everyone to overthrow their lives and plans just because she procreated. She actually managed to loosen up a little after that and we are still friends. The baby usually slept through the noise, btw. And if it woke up, a large gathering of people making silly faces was usually a good way to distract them.

Sympathies, my first was a shit sleeper and it's all consuming when you're in it. Four months was a particular low point too.

You have two choices - either suck up the noise and accept you may as well be knackered from the party as from a baby. Or stay elsewhere.

The first option is probably the "better" one but I'm not sure if I would've been able to take it at that stage tbh, it was such a brutal phase. So we probably would've gone with the second.

I also hated being up with the baby in the night at our parents' houses, conscious we were waking everyone. So from that pov staying elsewhere may be easier too.

You definitely can't expect the family customs to change and revolve around one baby, but I think you realise that.

Yabu. Stick on a white noise machine or just simply have bath up and playing, they’re so tiny. Are you really going to bed at 7pm every night?

Not unreasonable to not want your baby woken and to have baby taken into consideration. However, it still necessary developmentally for a four month old to wake periodically through the night to prevent SIDS. So I wouldn’t worry to much about having a routine sleep wise until seven months when they gradually naturally start to slip into their own routine, sleeping longer stretches etc

All I’m suggesting is it might be less stressful to just accept that there will still be sleepless nights for another couple of months and easier to let them settle into their own routine (within reason)

I'd first check if you can swap to stay with the other family, or else host the gathering in the other house. If neither of those will work then I'd probably book alternative accommodation as it seems this is going to stress you out.

I do largely agree with others who have said you will need to learn to adapt and your baby might be fine with the noise but if you aren't willing to risk it then look to stay somewhere else!

@caif90 are your parents staying at the cottage too?? sorry but I would look at just going how because they are being really inconsiderate regarding the baby!

I think you need to stay somewhere else. You do sound a little entitled. There are 10 people on this weekend away, and you can’t expect their holiday to revolve around your baby. To expect adults fun to stop by 7pm because of your baby seems ridiculous, and so unfair on the other 8 people. Get an air bnb and leave when you’re ready, and let them continue their fun.

Too rigid, yes, sorry.

It's a great opportunity to put baby to bed and go downstairs and have a nice adult time for a change.