27 and berated for not driving?

[Doglover321]

Hi guys! I’m 27 and don’t drive. I have never taken lessons, mostly because I could never afford them (I was a Uni student for a long time!), but also because I’ve always lived very near a train station/have always been very happy to use public transport. I don’t demand lifts or anything. However, my mum keeps berating me for not driving despite me saying I’m not ready (I’m now very nervous having left it so long!) and I still can’t afford lessons. I’m actually unemployed until my DBS comes back and she’s not willing to pay for even one lesson. She could pay for lessons (she’s a very high earner!), but has said no because her parents didn’t pay for her lessons and she feels resentful, yet she just won’t stop berating me for not having taken lessons.

Any others who don’t drive yet? Any thoughts? I just feel like it should be personal choice, not something you’re made to feel bad about.

My parents were also like this. I didn’t learn how to drive until my 30s long after I’d moved out. I took automatic lessons to save time but it still took a year.

I’m 27 next month and I’m learning. I’m taking my test in two months. I’ve never had the money to do it before, but I managed to get a loan. I had to do it for work. It’s cost me £1,400 to learn and book tests in total. I moved out at 18 so I’ve always needed my money for pure survival!

Honestly, just do it when you need to. If you don’t need to drive then I don’t see the point. I can completely relate to the fear too. I think I would’ve been much more comfortable at 17, but at 27 I’m way more cautious and anxious about the whole thing!

Not everyone is able to drive for various reasons. I didn’t pass my test until I was 33. To this day I am very much an A to B driver and don’t particularly enjoy driving. My husband is a very good driver and will drive nine times out of ten when we are together, which suits me perfectly as l much prefer being a passenger.

If you live and work in a city with good public transport there's very little reason to drive.

When I didn't drive, I was often told, "you really ought to be driving."
Now, as a driver, I'm often asked, "but you live in town, why do you need a car? "
You can't win with these people!

I presume you're unemployed and living with her? Maybe she thinks you'd be more employable with a licence.

Try reading the first post.

HTH.

I'm 32 and I don't drive. I never needed too when I was younger (public transport and walking) but now I live in the country and relying on my DH is getting a bit tricky. I want to learn but I am TERRIFIED! I have worried myself into a hole thinking about it. I have 0 confidence and everyone keeps asking me when I'm going to do it. It's frustrating and fills me with anxiety.

Just to add another point of view, I was around the same age when I had my first lesson and I took to it like a duck to water. Loved it from the first lesson, passed very quickly and really really enjoy the freedom and independence it provides. So don’t assume you won’t be good at it because you don’t do fairground rides! I was always rubbish at computer games that required driving and I worried that I’d be terrible at actual driving but it’s completely different.

Tell your mum to put her money where her mouth is or button it. Say you don’t want to talk about it any more, then after that, shut her down every time she brings it up. ‘I’ve told you, I’m not going to discuss this with you, mum. If you carry on, I’m going to leave the room’ and repeat.

I'm currently learning at 31, none of my famiy drive and I'm so used to public transport I can't really picture it when I can drive! It's the first time I've been able to afford it but I probably won't buy a car, I just like hiking and would love to go hillwalking in more remote places. Your mum can pay for a taxi if she's needing a lift

I did. OP says they're unemployed and doesn't mention where they're living.

I don't understand why she is berating you for not driving - but neither do I understand why as a fully grown adult you think arguing 'she is a high earner' means someone else should pay for anything for you. If she raises driving again simply shrug and say, 'I can't afford it at the moment? Why is it your concern?' and change the subject.

I'm not sure why you keep harping on about the fact that she won't even pay for one lesson for you. Why should she? You're a grown up with (apparently) a law degree.

I learned 10 years ago, at 37, when I realised with 2 small children and no longer living in London, I needed to.

It was OK, I'm a teacher so not too slow to learn (ha ha!) I was extremely nervous, extremely, but had a good teacher and passed first time.

I do find it sad that people disparage non-drivers, and a bit odd. I was working v hard doing 4 a levels and aiming for Oxford uni at 17/18, I had no headspace to learn. I coped fine for a decade in a city after graduating,and pretty much fine in a market town until my children were 4 and 6 and I needed to access more places.

I'm sorry your mum is berating you. Again, I find that odd too.
Perhaps save towards a couple of lessons slowly and you may realise it's not as scary as you think?

She says she's unemployed until she gets a DBS check through.

I learned to drive when I was 36 so it's never too late!

Like your mother, My parents wouldn’t pay for lessons, unlike her I made sure that I paid for my kids to learn at 17, obviously if parents cannot afford no problem. It seemed so easy for them to learn when young and gave more work and study options. If most of the uk had good public transport it would not be as necessary. In my case, I become disabled as a young mother and without a licence, would be housebound, public transport totally impossible.
Seems cheeky for your mother to berate you when she never helped you to learn when young.

I never had any interest in driving whatsoever. I took lessons at your age because everyone told me that I 'had' to drive. I bought a car, I took my test, I failed my test, I booked another, eventually I cancelled it. I never drove again and I still don't want to. No one mentions it anymore though!! Only time I've ever wished for a car is Ikea trips and tip runs but I'm lucky enough to have family that are happy to help. Truth be told I probably couldn't afford to run a car nowadays anyway

I’m 50, I had some lessons when I was 18, hated it & decided that if I wasn’t going to learn to drive I needed to get a job somewhere with excellent public transport. Hence moving to London in my 20s & still being here.

The non-drivers who get berated on MN are mainly the ones who expect drivers to give them lifts everywhere instead of taking responsibility for themselves so don’t worry too much!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a non-driver, provided that you take responsibility for getting yourself to where you need/want to be and don't pressurise other people into giving you lifts.

I didn't learn to drive till I moved out of London at 30. It was fine, picked it up no problem and passed first time. My DP didn’t have lessons until a similar age, was hopeless and gave up after 3 or 4 failed tests.

It's not an age thing, some people are just no good at it (I suspect in our cases the major difference was that he had no experience of cycling on roads as a child, whereas I cycled everywhere so was already good at reading traffic and only had to learn the mechanical skills).

Your main problem seems to be your mother, not your lack of driving skills. Why was she taking out credit in your name, and have you sorted that?

Why is she taking out a credit card in your namè?

I think you should worry less about what your mother thinks and maybe tell her to wind her neck in, but you shouldn't expect her to pay for driving lessons. Wait until you actually want them and can afford them.

Just turned 30
Never had a lesson in an instructiors car
Had private ones with partners
Still can't legally drive.
I can drive automatic but manuel is just annoying for me.
Just do everything when you feel ready and stuff everyone else

I got my license, but found out car ownership wasn't a walk in the park. Lugging around a massive piece of metal that you can't just leave- it needs to be parked. You have to pay for that, of course. All the costs of insurance, tax, fines.

I uninsured my car after less than a week and sold it. I genuinely had a new appreciation for the bus. It's environmentally friendly, it's sociable, you can chill out and read, and a flat rate.

Also,

What's the deal with your mum? Either she can't drive herself and should have learnt or she does drives and still relies on you?

@Doglover321 , I was 42 years old when I left London/london suburbs . I never had a notion of driving, why should I? Walked out my door at 10 past or 20 to the hour and the wee mini bus passed, leaving me to the nearest town centre or transport hub. I had buses, trains, tube and trams within minutes of my door. No need to drive at all

Then I moved very rural. I HAD to learn to drive, no transport - seriously all we get is the school bus, so I needed to learn so I could find a job and get to the shops

If I hadnt moved here, Id still be in no rush to drive - its ruddy expensive

Right now my mother is struggling with her eyesight and has paid £3k for a small op, to keep her licience. ( which has worked so now a few hundred quid more for different glasses ) Her car does no more then 10 miles a week, shes paying over 70's insurance ( close to £1k ) road tax, MOT and fuel as well as services. Half of what she pays put would get her a premium taxi service plus money to burn

Driving really isnt the be all and end all.