I'd really appreciate some objective opinions on our situation - I can't see the wood for the trees

[katierocket]

Apologies this is long and also apologies for always seeming to post moaning minny threads but I feel very stuck.

Six months ago we moved from suburb of big city to rural area. We're only 1 mile from a town (albeit a smallish one) so not totally isolated and do have a good friend in the area but it's very different to where we used to live, not all that much going on, very 'basic' etc. I work part time from home so it's been difficult to meet people as I can't meet them via an office and I've not been able to go to many mother and baby groups because they all seem to be on the days I work (and nursery days can't be changed). DS1 (year 1) started at one school which turned out to be awful so we moved him in feb and his new school is good and he seems happy. We have a lovely house in a fantastic location but...

I'm really struggling, I miss my old life, I miss my friends and I miss there being lots to do and places to go. It is difficult for me to make friends because of the work situation but I know that this needs to be a priority.

DP loves it here (but he's a country bumpkin at heart) and it is great for the children - they have loads of freedom to run around.

We also have some financial issues that are making things worse plus getting married in august so stressed by that.

Anyway, my point is that I am terrible for being a "grass is always greener" person, always thinking that others have it better, or that living somewhere else would equal a better life. There was certainly an element of looking for the "better life" in our move here but I was aware that I might be seduced by that thought and so tried really hard to consider pros and cons before we moved.

SO now, 6 months in, I feel really miserable but what to do? Surely it would be ridiculous to just move back to where we were? And moving DS1 again is a horrendous thought but equally I just don't know if it will get better with time or if I'll always feel as though I need to live where there is more going on. Or should i just get a grip and get on with it, accepting that eventually it will get better.

God, sorry for rambling, and not sure what I expect people to say but would be interested in any thoughts, if others have been through a smilar thing, how did it turn out?

I think you need to give it more time. Lots going on there (inc the wedding) so not surprising you haven't really settled yet. Give it a year or so and see how you feel then .

It takes quite a while to be accepted into a new community, remember.

Yes that seems the rational thing to do but I just feel so blinkin low about being here. And I also feel that if we were to move back perhaps it's better (for DS1's sake) to do it sooner rather than later.

It does sound stressful. To a certain extent I can sympathise - I have always enjoyed living in the country but until a year ago I went to work too! Now I am a SAHM I find that I can get cabin fever very badly indeed. Even baby groups tend to wear thin after a while.

However - it is nearly spring and the warmer seasons are much nicer in the country than winter! You might find that another six months alters your perspective. Have you any chance of getting out in the evening, to an exercise class or something where you get to talk to grown ups?

I found that moving anywhere takes about a year to really feel at home, so I would give it at least that long until making a drastic decision.

We also moved from a city to a more rural area, although in my case it was moving "back home", which of course made it easier. I was a single parent working full time, so it was hard to make new friends, but it did happen. Are you able to pick up your children from nursery/school - if so, try chatting to other parents and seeing if there's anyone you click with. Invite friends of DS back for tea after school - mothers will probably come too initially - which will give you the opportunity to get to know them. It does take a while, but I found I made a lot of friends through my children.. How far away are you from the city - can you invite friends down for an evening/overnight or weekend?

Is there a gym or evening classes you could go to? If nothing, then how about starting something - a book club maybe. Are you a member of the NCT, try getting involved with that - perhaps arranging local events?

If your DCs and your DH are happy, then I think you need to persevere..

I agree that summer is when somewhere like this comes into its own. I struggled through winter. Lots of people have said that a year is usually a good indicator of how you feel about a place, that would make it August this year.

Part of me is so cross with myself for having this personality where I can't seem content with anything. But i am a very sociable person and I like lots of things happening and at the moment my life is the opposite of that!

where are you now katie rocket?

Can you have a good think about what made you want to leave your old life?? If you imagine yourself transported back there, and your every day life there, would you truly be happy, or hankering for the lifestyle you have now.

It may take more time for you, it does take a long time to make new friends.

I speak as someone who live in the country, who swore she wouldnever go back there, and even when I did I was till shocked i had!!!

Surr3, I suppose we've had a bit of a false start on the school front because DS1's first school was so awful. It's hard to chat to the mum's at school pick up time just because of how the pick up thing is arranged. There aren't really many evening classes to speak of and I don't think NCT has a branch here - although I could check - it's a good idea.

when you say there isn't much to do - do you mean organised entertainment ?

Have you tried doing some of the free things in the country - eg riding bikes, going for walks - it can be great fun pouring over a map - finding a footpath and then going exploring. Especially now it is getting in to spring.

Maybe have a go at gardening.

Have you explored everywhere to visit in say an half hour drive, or may a 20 mile radius ? Have a look at a map and chose a different place to go each time - visit other local towns, musuems, places to walk etc. You will probably soon find some favourites.

have a party for ds1 - doesn't have to be a birthday party - invite some school friends and their parents too - say it is a getting to know you party.

mid wales piratecat.

It's a good question. We wanted to move for 'better quality of life', more outdoor space, get away from grime and crime of the city (although in retrospect I actually think that last one was not reality). What I like when I imagine myself back in my old life is seeing my friends, going to lots of baby groups (baby swim etc), being near good cafes etc (how vacuous does that sound!)

the party is a good idea throckenholt

when i say nothing to do, yes I mean organised and not so much when we're all together as a family but on the days when it's just me and DS2.

i think to save yourself more upheaval perhaps plan a six month 'campaign' to find lovely things to do - kids activities, book club, friends round, weekends away - really go for it, and then take a view in the new year?

To meet people, you need to make the effort...

Get a flyer printed saying you're going to start a coffee morning at your house for mothers with youngest children same age as yours. Make it a day you're not working. Stick it up at the local GP, school, post office and give some to the local health visitor to give out.

Put your phone number or email on there. Tell people to bring cake. When they turn up, suggest you do it every week/fortnight/month and take turns to go to different houses.

Bish bosh, bob's your uncle...

You won't like them all, they won't like you but eventually you will all settle into a group you do like and maybe new friends will happen. Either way, you find support and people to hang out it.

I moved from a big city to a seaside town and it was a big move. i was very lonely for the first year , this was before DCs though.. but DH had a house and his work is here, so moving back not an option

think of the positives! fresh air, not crowded, no rush hour, lovely environemnt for the DCS

i thikn you have to make the best of it

you cannot uproot the family every year or two!

throw your energy into making a better life where you are rather than moving.. now is not the time if you have financial issues and are getting married ...

different job?
set up your own mum & tot group?
join local NCT, they have lots of stuff going on...

when I say they won't like you, I didn't exactly mean it like that , I meant they won't all necessarily like you...

but some will - won't know until you try...

These are all really useful thoughts. Lulu, I am very conscious of running the risk of exactly that, "I don't like it here, let's move, err, I don't like it here either, let's move again" but also aware that sometimes things are genuinely not right. I have days when I think "come on, think positive, what can you do to make things better" and then days (like today) when I desperately miss my old life.

Have you tried the mumsnet local thread for your area - it might be worth posting on there. Also, and I know it perhaps sounds silly, have you tried the ramblers association. My friend joined her local one when she moved to the country and was amazed to find some friends there. And if you don't, then at least you get to learn a bit about your local area and perhaps won't feel so isolated.

It does sound though that as some point you need to address the grass is always greener aspect of your personality. I speak as someone who shares that trait and so you have my sympathy. In my opinion it only leads to unhappiness as you can never just enjoy what you have. When I start to feel as you do, I try to write pros and cons for both situations - current and the the one I want to be in. Then be really, really honest with yourself about how much is rose tinted spectable stuff and how much is real. Try to focus on the positive and give it a bit more time. You have just had the long dark winter and so loads of people probably feel as you do. Around February every year, I always want to move to the seaside and I have to have a good sharp word with myself .

i think you need to accept that you will miss parts of your old life, and lifestyle, BUT it does not mean that there are no positives to your new life style !

FWIW I could not imagine living in a big city again! i love teh fact it only takes me 10 minutes to walk to town, yet where we live is so quiet, and we are near some beautiful parks, DS's school got outstanding OFSTED, everywhere i go, i am bound to see someone i know, people are friendlier, i think it is a lovely life.

bugger, have briefly look at NCT site but all the events seem to be for mums with babies under 1 (mine is 15 months).

You will miss parts of your old life as lulumama says, but I think that is part of life generally. Could you go back an visit some friends for the night? I always find when I go back to London for the night it reminds me of why I like living away from a big city. I have a great time but am glad to get back to the peace and quiet of a small town.

Another thought is why don't 'have you some friends to stay for the weekend if you are feeling a bit low. Perhaps you just need a boost and to have a laugh with some people who know you well.

Have you told your friend who is local how you feel?

My situation was very like yours. We moved from a city to a village one mile from a town when I was pg with ds2.

I found that it took 6mnths to a year to overcome the 'shock' of moving. I love the rural setting, but we had moved right across to the other end of England, and that was so hard.

The decision to move is incredibly stressful, the move itself is stressful, finding all the places you need to find (swimming pools, doctors, schools, parks, cinemas, etc etc) is stressful.

My response to stress is often the 'did we do the right thing' obsession. It is easy to turn that over and over in your mind. Stress does make that kind of thought more likely.

Remember that if you hadn't moved, you might have had the same sort of 'grass is greener' thought in reverse.

Eventually, I settled in fine. Hope things work out for you.

Why don't you give them a call, they may be able to put you in touch with other people in the area, even if it is not an organised "event".

katie, they often do coffee mornings/open houses, i know our branch does, and you can take DCs who are under school age. i have taken DD to a few, she is 2.7

Or (read my post ) organise your own. If you build it, they will come...