I'd really appreciate some objective opinions on our situation - I can't see the wood for the trees

[katierocket]

Apologies this is long and also apologies for always seeming to post moaning minny threads but I feel very stuck.

Six months ago we moved from suburb of big city to rural area. We're only 1 mile from a town (albeit a smallish one) so not totally isolated and do have a good friend in the area but it's very different to where we used to live, not all that much going on, very 'basic' etc. I work part time from home so it's been difficult to meet people as I can't meet them via an office and I've not been able to go to many mother and baby groups because they all seem to be on the days I work (and nursery days can't be changed). DS1 (year 1) started at one school which turned out to be awful so we moved him in feb and his new school is good and he seems happy. We have a lovely house in a fantastic location but...

I'm really struggling, I miss my old life, I miss my friends and I miss there being lots to do and places to go. It is difficult for me to make friends because of the work situation but I know that this needs to be a priority.

DP loves it here (but he's a country bumpkin at heart) and it is great for the children - they have loads of freedom to run around.

We also have some financial issues that are making things worse plus getting married in august so stressed by that.

Anyway, my point is that I am terrible for being a "grass is always greener" person, always thinking that others have it better, or that living somewhere else would equal a better life. There was certainly an element of looking for the "better life" in our move here but I was aware that I might be seduced by that thought and so tried really hard to consider pros and cons before we moved.

SO now, 6 months in, I feel really miserable but what to do? Surely it would be ridiculous to just move back to where we were? And moving DS1 again is a horrendous thought but equally I just don't know if it will get better with time or if I'll always feel as though I need to live where there is more going on. Or should i just get a grip and get on with it, accepting that eventually it will get better.

God, sorry for rambling, and not sure what I expect people to say but would be interested in any thoughts, if others have been through a smilar thing, how did it turn out?

Ok, you say you like lots going on and you like cafes . I don't know where you are in the country but I'm presuming you have a car - you could make finding the best cafes in the area a bit of a project, I live in the middle of a town but right next to countryside and the best cafes are near the woods (Wendover woods) and on the Dunstable downs. Yes, you moved to integrate into your new village but if I am hating being at home during the day I get out in the car and go for a drive.

I gave up a very stressful job where I worked more than fulltime hours 5 years ago. I had been doing it for 10 years. It took me 2 years to get used to a slower pace of life where i wouldn't wake up in the morning with palpitations thinking "I've got lots to do, I have to get to work". I do an awful lot more 'internal' activities now like reading, gardening, pottering about. I used to need to be out with other people and doing something, since switching down a pace I am much more happy inside myself and being by myself.

Maybe you are focusing on the internal happiness (the money worries, the wedding and all that represents) and projecting on to the external ("I don't want to be here").It sounds like there is a lot going on in your life. It's too early to make another huge decision if you have all these other things goings on.

Sorry, rambling crap now

Good luck.

Oh god thank you all so much. At the risk of gushing this really is all very helpful.

Monkeybird, I did read your post about having my own coffee morning TBH I'd probably be slightly chicken to do that just yet.

Twofalls - yes, looked at mumsnet local and netmums (sorry justine!) but mid wales is very quiet! Anyway, I'm looking at shrewsbury too (which is about 25 mins away). And yes, local friend knows how I feel, she's great and without her I would definitly have gone loopy but she has her own life because of my work it's difficult for me to piggy back on any mums groups she's going to.

I suppose it's not helped by the fact that as a child I never moved, so never had to go through this making friends/establishing yourself and I wonder if that's why I find it so hard.

Lauriefairycake - I like the 'making finding good cafes a project' idea

Deffo give it more time. I moved to a village about 5 years ago and it must have been nearly 2 years before I got to know people well here. But I have a good circle of friends now and feel really settled.

Are you inviting your DS's friends home for tea as this can often lead to you getting to know their mums'.

If you don't feel up to a coffee morning then how about something like a Body Shop party - it takes the pressure off you a bit as its so organised. People love them and you could invite other mums at the school gates and I bet they would come.

Katie - why not start something that gets you out of the house one or two evenings a week. I do Pampered Chef shows which I really enjoy from the social side of things - I get to be me, and have an enjoyable evening even though I am 'at work', and also make a bit extra money which doesn't hurt. Would your partner support you and take over one or two nights a week to let you do something like this?

Why not post on the meet up sections to see if there are any other MNetters local to you? I don't think everyone here uses MN Local yet (I've had a brief look at mine and it's got names of MNetters I've never heard of!)

I would definitely approach the NCT and ask them if there is anyone near you - they're brilliant at providing post-natal support, and will have a really good idea of the kind of local network you could get involved in.

Ask if you could go along to the events which are with younger children - they're not that much younger than you.

Otherwise I second the others - this is rapidly becoming one of the nicest times of the year so get out and enjoy it and concentrate on how lucky you are to have achieved your ambition of escaping the city (and don't allow any 'grass in greener' thoughts to get in the way )

"breaking in" to rural life is really hard, and takes a lot longer than 6mths (I hope, we have been here 21mths and I haven't managed it yet!)

I have just signed up to an evening class at the local college - by local, I mean about 10 miles away, but it is something and I figure if I can do that then I can do the next thing, IYSWIM.

Do you have a parish magazine? Look through that and see what you can find. Our local vicar (female) organises monthly walks for parents with pre-school children. I am not a churchy person at all, but I changed my working days one week to go and although I can't go regularly, I met people who now say hello when I bump into them.

Also, if you can find an after school activity for DS1 (beavers/cubs?) then that is an easier environment to meet other parents in than the school gate.

Stripey, it's good to hear you say that you feel very settled now, despite it being hard initially. Maybe I should sit down and right a long list of actions to get me going i.e.
*try to find mother & toddler group or something to do on day not working
*look longer for possible evening classes even if they are a bit further away from here.
*think about having a summer party for kids/adults

etc
etc

stealthsquiggle - yes, I definitely underestimated how hard. Our nearest town is 1 mile away but it's pretty small and not much going on. Shrewsbury is 18 miles aways which seems horrendous drive to me (used to living s5 mins from major city) but I suppose it's not that far if there were things going on there

our nearest (v. small and not much good) town is 7 miles.

Nearest equivalent of Shrewsbury - ~17 miles.

You have to adjust to that being "local", I think, or you will go mad and turn into one of the people (and there are plenty around here) who regard that as being the "big city" and go once a year if that (I kid you not)

Katie

I was very similar to you when we first moved 7 years ago. We lived ina village, dh loved it, I hated it and found myslef going back to London as often as possible. We were not remote but I had to drive everywhere. The people I met were not my type of people - (I am not your typical cuntry bumpkin) and I became pretty depressed

A couple of years ago we moved to a small city and are right in the heart of it. The kids are at a school that has similar parents to me and i have managed to make quite a few friends here. I can walk to a cafe/shops. Kids can walk to school.

How old are your children? Are they at school? This helps with meeting people. I didn't really meet people through playgroup tbh.

6 months is also a very short time - I suggest you give it another year or so.

Could you move into the local town?
Sorry I am not much help.
Dh joined local choir am dram stuff and church and got really into it. None of these things were right for me.

God that is so true, the "big city" thing I mean. So many people round here have literally never been anywhere else. That scares me. It's all to royston vasey at times.

the people I met had never been to London, found it too scary or they went on a coach trip with others.

I used yo LOVE driving to London and walking down busy street where noone knew me or smiled at me.

thanks beetroot, I thought that was the story. It is helpful because it's good to hear different experiences. I too worry that I won't find a 'like minded soul' here, the other mums at DS's school seem very different (whereas at his school in our old area I had some very close friends who were very similar to me). I know that it's good to meet different types of people but I am the sort of person that needs at least a couple of friends I feel are on my wavelength.

BTW I am really happy now.
Love being able to run into the cuntry in 5 mins but love being abel to walk to a wonderful cafe in 2

can I just ask you one other question beetroot - how long did you stay in country? and what age where the kids when you moved back to the city?

what age were the kids - see, my brain is turning to mush

we stayed 4 years.
moved to city (which was only 15 miles away) when youngest was 6.

Are you doing anything on the 19th April? The Shrewsbury NCT are running a sale - www.thebestof.co.uk/shrewsbury/events/117001

Go along - and try speaking to the organisers to see what else they're running, and if they need any help..

i think you should phone the person who organises the under 1 nct group and say youve recently moved to the area and would like to meet the mums with slightly older kids - do they go to the group - can she put you in contact with them - they will have been going to the group a few months ago and will have just moved on a bit

you could offer to host a group of them - yes i know you have to be brave but you may never look back!

I'll definitely try and go to the nearly new sale. And ring NCT.

you wont be the first to ring them about this honestly

i remember when i joined my local nct - i said to the mum on the phone 'i havent done the classes so i dont know how to meet the other mums' - i sounded a complete sap, but she was so lovely and put me in contact with another mum and a few years later i know all sort of people including neighbours who i had never seen before with kids the same age - they all started coming out of the woodwork

It is hard work Katie. You are doing well and imo have just done the hardest six months. The evenings are now lighter, weather warmer(ish) and things will seem better in the next six months.
Based where you are it seems you will have to travel, but you will get used to that and one day wonder what you were fussed about.
I was miserable when we moved to where we are now. I was too far from my family for my liking and despite meeting nice people (after big efforts on my part joining committees and volunteering for and going to everything it seemed) and loving dd1's nursery and being on a train line to a big city I was so keen to move. It took me from Feb to Nov to 'settle', but I still wanted to be elsewhere. Then earlier this year (two years after we moved) we had a chance to move closer to family and I felt sick. It made me realise I didn't want to go as the location was not good enough and another move would have to happen at some point. I realised I wanted to stay put until the 'perfect' location came up (if it ever will). Since then I have made the most of where we are. I take the girls out for bike rides as where we are is very safe and had a nice play park and I have been planning our summer holidays to make the most of the local area and attractions. I have appreciated the lovely school dd1 goes to and the nursery for dd2 and the fact that they are happy. Truly they are and that is great. The grass is not always greener. It is just different.
We won't be here forever and I have now realised (after two years) that I quite like it so I am grabbing it with both hands. It is not where we would choose, but still has lots of advantages.

You have had a very bad start on the school side of things too and also I have to say things got better for me as the girls have got older (dd1 is 5 and dd2 is 3 in June.) This has changed things for me. I find it a lot easier to do things now.
Good Luck. Give it another 6 months and reassess . It will be a better 6 months.

Vanilla - that's a lovely post, thanks so much. Will you be moving again because of work or soley to find the 'right place'?

DH is forces so we will move where the job takes us, but he is RAF and they don't move us for the sake of it any more. We have put in a request for a certain location and we are just keeping our fingers crossed that is might come up and we might get priority. There are no guarantees of course but the RAF seem to try a lot harder than they used too.....The job dh does here required extra training and is hard work and therefore not really wanted by others so we can stay here longer than normal too if that makes any sense.
It will be a better six months now . Imagine you were moving. Is there anything you would miss? Would your DH be as miserable as you are now? I know it is different as they get to go out to work and being at home with small children and also working from home can be VERY isolating. I would think things will get better as your youngest gets a bit older too.
Also money being tight makes life harder. We are on a tighter budget this year and so there are no spontaneous lunches out and I have found myself spending a lot more time at the house as even the simplest of outings cost parking money or petrol etc. That is difficult too so you are making double sacrifices if that makes sense and it all adds up. Plus the stress of the wedding! You have ALOT going on. Give yourself a break! It actually is a crappy time for you at the moment. But it will get better .
Good Luck.