People comparing your children

[Hilary]

I saw a thread on this recently but now can't find it as I think it had started out as something else. It got me thinking, anyway.

How do we manage people comparing our children to each other?

Ds1 and ds2 look quite similar except that ds1 has bigger, deeper brown eyes with really long lashes which people always notice. Ds2 has brown eyes too, slightly smaller with long lashes but not so long as ds1. I think they are both just gorgeous but people always comment on ds1's eyes and lashes and never ds2. I don't want ds2 to grow up thinking he is plain but you can't stop the comments.

Also, when we were kids I had the idea that my sister was the bright one while I was sporty and arty. Also that she was shyer while I was more sociable. I don't think these stereotypes came from our parents who saw that I was also quite bright and my sister was not just brains but friendly too etc etc. So did we hear comments from other people or did we decide this ourselves? I'd like to avoid my children sinking into these ways of thinking as they can be negative while still celebrating that they are different and good at different things. I believe that some of my 'issues' in adult life stem from this kind of childhood memory.

Has anyone got any experiences or ideas on this?

Hi Hilary - I have 2 cousins about 3 yrs apart. The two were always compared growing up. The older one was prettier, more outgoing,popular, etc etc. The younger was nothing but a book worm. Never went anywhere. Stayed home reading and studying.

My mom remembers her growing up always saying (blank) always gets everything. She gets the nicer clothes, the bigger room, and all the attention. I think it was due to the fact that she was in her own world reading and donating her life to studies. She is now a physical therapist. The sad thing is my mom remembers her saying that she couldnt wait to get out of the house because of all the attention going to her sibling. She did leave as soon as she got out of school and now lives many many hrs away and hardly ever goes home to visit.

I know its not the same thing as what you are saying but thought I would bring it up as an example of something in my own family.

I dont have too much advice about 1 child getting compliments and not the other. I think when its strangers you dont know it probally would be hard to say something about complimenting you other child. I would just compliment him at many times on my own. As for close family and friends I would just be honest and explain that you feel for your other ds because he doesnt get as many compliments and you dont want him to grow up with a low self esteem. They will most likely understand and either compliment both at times or not say anything at all.

I'm sure its not a personal thing. Its just that some features on kids really stick out. With my 3 I get all different compliments at all different times.

One more thing Hilary. I wouldnt worry too much because it usually causes damage to the other child when its more of the parents doing the comparing on a regular basis rather then outsiders so much. You seem like a great parent and would compliment them equally growing up.

Absolutely Hilary. I am a twin which obviously brings its own special form of comparisons. We got totally sick of hearing "but you don't look alike" and having to repeat endlessly that there are 2 kinds of twins are we were non-identical.

I suppose we did compare each other to some extent - its different from normal sibling relationships being a twin because you are both growing up at exactly the same rate and doing the same things at school. We had different talents obviously but my parents inevitably compared us. My twin went off the rails in her 20s and has had a lot of problems. I was very shy as a teenageer. I am not saying this was all my parents fault by any means.... it was a big picture mostly from other people.

It has affected me to some extent in that I have allowed a reasonable age gap between my children so that won't happen and they are different sexes which helps too.

How old are your children Hilary? At some point people shouldn't make comments because the children will understand. Maybe you could comment on something that ds2 is good at to give him positive messages too.

Ds1 is just 4 and ds2 is nearly 2. They do both get compliments and are good looking lads (am I biased at all?) but I just notice this one compliment about eyes being repeated over and over. I do always compliment them both about their looks and the things they do and say but it just got me thinking about other things which may occur later on really.

I can remember word for word the not so nice things people said about me at school still now and I won't be able to stop my children going through that but I just want to make sure it doesn't start at home.

For those of you who felt this rivalry, do you still feel like the fat sister or the dim sister still now or have you worked it out of your system? Funnily enough, my sister and I have evened up a lot since we have been adults, she is much more outgoing, I have done well at studies etc

I was always the shy one, my sister the outgoing one. That has always remained. I could always go and do things for myself - there was a stage where she wouldn't go and ask a shop assistant a price or whatever and I could do that. But she could always talk to people and come across as confident, where I have always struggled to speak to people. My social skills have improved, but if my sister's in the room I still tend to step back. I can speak to strangers now reasonably easily - unless I have to do it in front of people I know. Does that make any sense. I guess I am still living up to my image as placed on me by others. Also, my sister and I are very different looking - she has dark hair, brown eyes olive skin and is very slight and slim. I'm curvy, mousy, pale skinned, blue eyed. She was always the pretty one. I still vividly remember a conversation when I must have been around 12 which went along the lines of (directed at my sister) "you have such lovely skin." (and then to me) "Of course, you have nice skin too...." and at that time I was going through that stage of being really paranoid about my skin.

Anyways, I'm digressing. My sister and I were very different and I was always made to believe she was the prettier/brighter/more socially adept/etc one, and I was always in her shadow. Incidently we never did get on.

I really feel the comments should be directed away from physical appearance, if possible. By default if one is called attractive the other feels they are less so. I think it's important to concentrate on acheievments. If someone compliments your son on his looks you could chip in with something he has acheieved and then something the other son has acheived too. The danger is that if you try and compensate for other peoples comments by complimenting ds2, ds1 may feel that you're on the side of ds2.

Oh, I hope this makes some sense. I really must stop posting at this time of night and start sleeping. I make no sense. I apologise in advance.

I have been thinking about this today and think that what you have said is important.

I think we need to show acceptance of our children despite what they look like and even what they achieve. They need to know that our view of them is unchanged by anything, we love them and the acceptance comes from that and that alone.

I do try to do this. I can't always vouch for others though.

This is a real toughy, I think. The problem with not complimenting babies is that on their looks, you risk insulting their mother. No kidding! I have a friend who commented that a friend of hers had come around to visit her and her new baby and didn't make any comment about how beautiful or cute or adorable the baby was. So my friend was completely insulted thinking that her friend had deliberately not commented because the friend didn't think the baby was nice-looking. Incidentally, the baby was really old-mannish looking, as newborns tend to be. As others have mentioned, I think you, as a mother, can only do whatever you can to treat your children equally. You cannot control the behavior of others toward them.

I want to mention that I had a friend who after 7 years of trying to get pregnant, adopted an adorable baby girl. Just 1 year later, to the surprise of everyone, my friend got pregnant with another girl. My friend would have liked to breastfeed her biological daughter, but chose not to because she did not want anything to be different in how she raised her 2 daughters. I thought this was a really good decision on my friend's part. We really have to go out of our way, sometimes to the potential detriment of one child, in order to treat both equally. I don't know if this story helps, but thought I'd mention it.

I have only 1 baby - 8 month old Chiara. I would eventually like to have another, but I'm actually praying for a boy, in order to diminish comparison/competition, etc. I really think it is hard!

But Chiarasmom, I don't really think treating children the same is helpful. Because children AREN'T the same. Each one is different with different strnghts and weaknesses, and trying to treat them like carbon copies of each other is just denying them their individuality. I remember reading in a book about sisters - one had very beautiful long blond hair, but her mother cut it off short because her other daughter had mousey hair which people didn't comment on. Do we go to these lengths - ie penalising the more 'attractive' or 'able' child in the interests of being fair to the other? Another person I know buys shoes for both children whenevr either one of them needs new ones as she feels it's unfair to the one who doesn't need them. I just feel it's not helpful. IMO in your friend's situation I would have breastfed my biological daughter as denying her is gaining nothing for the adoptive child, but denying her potential health benefits.

I think you're right Hilary. Our children should know we love them for who they are, not what they are or what they achieve. But we should also have the freedom to discover thier strengths, and feel that that chance may be compromised if we are determined to treat them 'equally.' Just imo

anais - some very wise comments!

Incidentally our dd (7 months) gets lots of compliments - I think with her being a girl people make more of a fuss over her looks. ds doesn't seem to mind because I think in general we treat him just as loveingly. Maybe we can read too much into these remarks, it is how we treat our children in general, ie showing them love and appreciation that will make all the difference.

Anais, I agree with what you say about children being different, but I still believe that it is important that you treat them equally, ie, not give preferential treatment to any one. So IMO you do want to treat them the same way to show them that you love each one equally. I believe this is really difficult, since as you say, you do want to foster each one's individuality. What I'm saying is that when both of your children ask for ice cream, get it for both or neither.

Thank you Eulalia, I agree. I think it is far more important that parents maintain the balance. Outsider's comments can be hurtful, but I think if parent's are fair and treat each child carefully and respectfully the effect is minimised. It is the parent's words and on-going treatment that will go towards creating confidence and self-esteem far more than anyone elses.

Chaiarasmom, I wasn't suggesting you should show preferential treatmnet, just that perfect equality isn't always necessary or desirable. I agree, if one has ice-cream, the other should have ice cream, I would never give one of my children a treat and not the other - but there is a balance there somewhere. A more extreme situation I have just thought about was a Mum who spent a lot of time with another woman who had a child the same age. They were freinds, rather than siblings, but still, when one child was ill and have medicine, this other mum gave her child medicine - even though she was well - in the interests of fairness - ie one having what the other one had.

You can't always have what someone else has and I think this is a lesson best learnt when they're young enough to just accept itas being the way it is. As long as they are both/all secure and loved and things balance out over time and one is not consistently 'missing out' then I don't think there is any harm in not having the same things all the time.

I don't know what to say when people give my children compliments. "Thanks"? but the compliment isn't to me. I usually manage "That's very kind of you". People have always fawned over my eldest, sometimes to the point where I felt quite embarrassed. What do you say when someone is going on at length about how cute your kid is?

That question aside... we are guilty of making unkind comparisons between our 2. It's hard for me to grapple with these issues because I didn't have siblings close in age. My eldest was/is a quite pretty child. Although second child looks very like the eldest... she's somehow ugly when smiling and uglier still when she grimaces. I found it very disconcerting when people were complimenting No. 2 the other day, saying how cute and photogenic she was. No one says that when first child is around, too. Mind you, they didn't see No.2 smile...

Hi - I think we all agree on the approach, and all agree on its difficulty. Like if one child is a talented singer, and you want to provide that child singing lessons or something like that, and your other child doesn't have musical talent, but may have some other talent (or none at all, for that matter) - I guess that's when you have to try to teach the children that just because you treat your children differently doesn't mean you don't love them all the same.

Everyone comments on my baby - as "such a beautiful boy" even when she is wearing bright pink. This was annoying to me at first, but I've gotten used to it. It's odd because while it is a compliment sort of, it's also an insult!

Anyway, thanks for interesting discussion.

Why do you not know what to say when people give your children compliments Zebra? You should take it the same way as if they were complimenting you...'Thank you'. I get women fawning over how beautiful my ds is, and he does play up to women all the time, batting his big blue eyes at them and smiling shyly. I just smile at them and appreciate the fact that he is obviously lovely looking to other people, not just me, so I know that it is not just bias on my part!

A woman at mother and toddler has commented a couple of times on how handsome my ds is, and I just have to say thank you, as I cannot return the compliment to her ds. He is a lovely boy, but just not good looking. It seems not to affect her that I don't say, 'Ooh, and so is your', because I suppose that it would seem trite if I did anyway. Us English are so weird aren't we, we can never take compliments from anyone! Having said that, I think that if I had two children, and only one was complimented, it would break my heart for the other one.

I've got a reply for you, Chinchilla. A (now retired) vicar friend of ours saw babies all the time what with baptisms and everything and so he would frequently see babies about whom he could not think of anything comlimentary to say He had a stock phrase which I think is wonderful. He would look into the pram and say, 'Now that's what I call a baby!'

You can't argue with it and neither is it a lie!

A midwife once told me that if she couldn't think of anything else to say about a newborn, she would say "what lovely feet"

If it's a newborn, If they are asleep, I say something like, 'she/he's so peaceful and laid back, they obviously know they are in good hands' or if awake, 'what an unusually aware and alert baby.' And I always say they are lovely, because even if they look like a sick monkey they are lovely! If all else fails references to their perfect tiny hands and feet are always true and sweet. When strangers compliment ds I tend to say, 'yes, he is beautiful and lovely and I'm very lucky to have him.' Because he is, and I am. And I want him to hear it.

I hate to say it, but I've heard someone actually say "Now, that's what I call a baby" to my baby Chiara! This is very depressing to me.

That, and "what nice eyebrows!"

But saying "Thanks" is peculiar because the compliment isn't to me, it's to my kid. I'll teach the kids to say "Thank you" eventually, but I think that's a bit subtle still for my 3yo....

Zebra, I don't say thanks, I agree with them! So if they say, 'he's a good baby" I say, yes, he's wonderful and he loves people' or something, and if they say he's beautiful I say, 'Well, I think he's the handsomest boy in the world so I'm glad you agree!' I think it's good for him to hear how much I love and appreciate him. And of course, when people make appreciative comments about your child it is a compliment to you as well, after all, you had quite a big hand in making him from scratch

Also, if you do say thank you, I think it's really thanking the other person for being nice, complimentary and interested in your child.

Oh dear, sorry Chiarasmom. Didn't mean to depress you. It can't have been the same guy though.

I like the idea about commenting on hands and feet, can't go far wrong there, surely.

No problem, Hilary. I was just joking about getting depressed. She does have really cute little chubby sausage-like feet and hands though.