Husband making it up to you

[Sadie407]

How would you expect your husband to 'make it up to you' and show you that they really do love you after he allowed himself to start an online emotional affair with another woman when he was going through a really bad mental heath period?

Tattoo of my name on his member.

What if it's not big enough🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

The best thing he could do if he truly respects & cares about you would be to walk away from you and your relationship completely. No flowers, chocolates, holidays or gifts are ever going to “make up” for that, the only thing that would is to leave you be to find a happy loyal and loving relationship with somebody else

I completely understand why you say that but what if that's not what I want though?

I agree. How could you ever trust him again, he's proved he can't be trusted? How many times must he have text or spoken to OW and spent his time conversing with her all the while being attracted to her? While knowing it was wrong because he should share his thoughts and time with you.

Couple therapy that he organises, funds and does the homework for.

I wouldn't allow it, I'd show him the door. You sound naïve @Sadie407 Of all the things he could do to help himself, he started an emotional affair with another woman? Really?!

Being blunt, what do you want though? You cannot throw him in a time machine and make it never happen?

Is he working on his mental health? Having counselling? Actually taking initiative snd having deep conversations with you about the hurt he has caused? Anything?!

Personally, I would want him to fuck off put of my life and never come back.

Not sure why on earth you’d want to share another second of your life with a cheat who cared so little about you? What on earth could possibly make up for that? If you allow him to buy you a few bunches of flowers and a nice meal and all is forgiven then don’t be surprised when you’re back here in 6 months time because it’s happened again but this time it’s also physical and he’s leaving you

Id tell him to fuck off for a while. A couple of weeks in a Travelodge or at his mothers might focus his mind a little.

I mean realistically he'd be out the door.

But if I did want to make my relationship work after infidelity I'd expect him to attend couples counselling with me as well as individual therapy to address whatever problems lead to his infidelity. I'd expect complete transparency while he earns my trust back - if I asked to see his phone or computer, no arguments. I'd expect him to be putting in 99% of the work to rebuild trust and love in the relationship, since he's the one who broke it.

Anything outside that however is just tit-for-tat and an unhealthy and unproductive way of continuing a relationship. You either forgive him or you don't. If you don't, don't continue the relationship.

So if he's genuinely remorseful and you truly want him back, then the making up isn't about treats and presents it would have to be genuine thoughtfulness and putting you first. What that means for you would be very individual.
For me, it would be him doing some of the running about for the kids, cutting back on drinking, doing the decorating. Basically making good on promises which he made and hasn't delivered. The things that matter to me and the family. Family days out and being interested in us as a unit.
That sounds like a little vent on my behalf but it isn't, I'm just saying that what's thoughtful or extraordinary in my life might be run of the mill in yours.

By co-operating with my divorce proceedings and not delaying or obstructing.
You say you don't want that, so what do you want? It doesn't matter at all what anyone else on MN would want.

Funny how men's default solution for their "mental health issues" is always to look for an extra marital shag. Anyone else noticed this?

Maybe I'm just old, but I don't think an "emotional affair" is the Huge Betrayal some people seem to consider it.

However, it does suggest that he turned his back and hid from you when things felt difficult, which is not the point of a partnership.

He's spent a lot of time and thought on this woman that could have been spent on you and your life together (and children, if you have any). Any "making up" will need to (a) recognise (b) compensate for (c) guard against repeating that. So he throws his efforts into your life together. He takes responsibility for the marriage, the household, the kids (if any). He does things he knows you like that mildly - or greatly - inconvenience him. He does whatever he can to address his mental health issues.

And if he's struggling, he lets you know (without expecting you to solve it).

Absolute script to blame mental health issues.

Don’t fall for that.

The trust is lost, he’d not be getting any opportunity to ‘make it up’.

Yep, some men do like to do that don't they?

If you want to stay you need to drill down into the real reasons, and things need to change. That will be him and you too. As people looking outside the marriage, especially in an emotional sense, are lacking something in their relationships

It's very easy to say LTB. But if he's willing, you both need to have some very difficult conversations

Not naive in the slightest. Not sure how you can say that from the small about of information I have given in the post!

Appreciate all the responses...well most of them. I don't need to go into the reasons why I'm choosing to work on my marriage. The mental health that people seem to think were an excuse were very much real. So much so that he didnt want to be here anymore. And no, that's certainly NOT the reason why I am trying to make my marriage work. I was asking for some opinions so thank you to those of have given the type of answer I was expecting.

It's not for you to tell him or suggest. It's for up to him to know and to care enough to do everything you need. Then you will be able to decide

Be careful you are not wanting to paper the cracks to put off the inevitable

:(

I'm always a bit wary when men like this say that they were thinking of suicide. If I was planning suicide the last thing I would do is chat intimately to a stranger from another country who just happened to be a female and happened to be somebody I fancied. They never talk to some bloke like themselves do they? Or a much older woman?

I was just thinking this.

I personally know a couple of people who've been caught texting another woman, and both have put it down to "mental health issues". Both wives stayed with them and even seemed to feel sorry for them.

I'm not going to be telling him how to make it up to me. He wants me too, of course he does as this makes his life easier but there's absolutely no way I'm doing that. The reason for this post was to find out other people's opinions on the matter. That's it.

He wasn't planning suicide. And this is something that has affected him for years, before he made the worst decision of his life in terms of our marriage. Your response gives me the impression that you don't have a proper understanding of mental health.