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Embarrassing and sensitive problem

26 replies

SoSoAshamed · 16/03/2008 21:33

I am a regular, but I have name changed as I am utterly ashamed of what I am about to type. If anyone realises who I am, i'd appreciate them keeping it to themselves.

Not long after I got with my ex partner, years ago, he persuaded me to have sex with him whilst being filmed. I was quite young and naive and agreed although immediatly regretted it.

Over the years my then partner regularly used to rewatch the tape, and I grew more and more ashamed of what i'd done.

As our relationship began to fall apart, I found the tape and hid it. I knew at that point that our relationship was over and I didn't trust him to keep the tape to himself, plus I hated the thought of him watching it.

Fast forward to the other day, and I gave him a bag of stuff of his that i'd found at the back of the cupboard. He emptied it all out and said there was something missing. I asked him what, and he said a camcorder tape. I told him then that I knew which tape he meant and that I had it and would not be giving it to him.
He started ranting and raving at me, saying that I had no right to keep it as he was on the tape too and he had every right to have it back and watch it. I refused to give it to him and he left.

Today when I saw him, he said he'd been showing our children some camcorder tapes of when they were babies. I hadn't realised that he had these, and asked if I could borrow them to make copies. He refused saying that if I wouldn't give him the tape of us having sex, then I couldn't have the tapes of the children. He was very smug, and I think he thought i'd hand the tape over then, but I didn't, and told him that infact I was going to destroy the tape to make sure he never ever got it.
He got really angry, pleaded with me to give it to him and then called me a bitch and stormed off when I refused again.

So the question is now, what do I do about the tapes with the kids on ? I only want to borrow them to make copies and then he can have them back, but there is no way on earth I can give him the tape of us.

OP posts:
constancereader · 16/03/2008 21:37

I wouldn't be ashamed if I were you. Lots of people video themselves having sex - and YOU have the copy. It isn't going to be seen by anyone. If anyone ought to be ashamed it should be your dh for being such an arse. Destroy the tape, give him time to get over it and then address the issue of the other tapes at a later date.

BrothelSprouts · 16/03/2008 21:38

Destroy the tape of you having sex.
Take it out of the equation entirely.

Leave the issue of the tapes with the children for now. Don't even get into a discussion with him about it, and don't give him the power to make you unhappy about this.

You could ask a friend or a family member to ask him for copies at a later date. They could say it was for them, not for you.

These are two separate issues though - don't get caught up in his childish bargaining.

SoSoAshamed · 16/03/2008 21:39

I am worried thought that he will destroy the tapes with the children on if he thinks I have destroyed the one of us.

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SoSoAshamed · 16/03/2008 21:40

He doesn't speak to any of my family, so they'd not be able to get me copies.

I will destroy the tape. Trying to decide how best to do it. Cut it all up maybe ??

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Carmenere · 16/03/2008 21:41

I would much prefer him to destroy the tapes of the children than have the tape of me inflagrante. He is using the childrens tapes to try to manipulate you, imagine how he would use the sex tape??
Burn it tonight.

JetPeanut · 16/03/2008 21:41

Go now and destroy the tape. Why haven't you done so already?

fingerwoman · 16/03/2008 21:42

do you think he would destroy them? I mean, he probably enjyos watching them too, and it wouldn't benefit anyone to destroy them.

MoreSpamThanGlam · 16/03/2008 21:42

I think its odd that he is your ex yet still wants to watch a tape of you having sex .

You have done nothing wrong, dont be ashamed or bullied or blackmailed.

Tell him that you think it is weird that he wants to watch it and that you have destroyed it.

SoSoAshamed · 16/03/2008 21:43

Yes, I know what you mean Carmenere.

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LedodgyCheapEasterEggsAreASin · 16/03/2008 21:43

Record a few episodes of eastenders or something over the sex tape and return it to him at the same time getting him to hand over the other videos to you.

waffletrees · 16/03/2008 21:44

He is actually blackmailing you - threaten him with the police.

ara · 16/03/2008 21:44

don't worry about this - get rid of the tape and you have nothing to worry about!

Sad if he destroys the tapes of your DC (do you really think he is small enough to do that? - could you ask your DC to ask to borrow them instead?) but wouldn't be half as bad as if he got hold of your tape.

tissy · 16/03/2008 21:44

let the tapes of the children go- they've seen them, you've got memories/ photos, you don't need tapes. I doubt very much he'd destroy them, so you may be able to get hold of them another time.

As for the first tape, I'd "accidentally" drop it in the bin on bin day. He doesn't have a right to the tape just because he's on it, but he does have right to expect that you won't show it to anyone else.

CarGirl · 16/03/2008 21:44

destroy the tape stuff and hand him the empty tape holder bit - the casing???

SoSoAshamed · 16/03/2008 21:44

Not sure why I haven't already destroyed it. I think I felt safer knowing where it was, although I know that sounds silly.

I have told him he is weird for wanting to watch it, but he thinks he is completely normal.

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SoSoAshamed · 16/03/2008 21:47

I did think of doing that Ledodgy, but I think he'd get suss if I suddenly said 'ok i'll return it'.

Tissy, there is no way in a million years that i'd ever show it to anyone, but he would.

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madamez · 16/03/2008 21:48

Ledodgy's made the best suggestion. While I can hypothetically understand someone wanting to keep a tape which featured themselves on it, the general etiquette of recording yourself doing sexy things is that, when the relationship ends, you destroy the recordings together unless the relationship has ended so amicably that neither of you is worried about the other doing anything mean or embarrassing with the material.

Mind you, something did occurr to me when reading your original post (and please bear in mind that I do not know you or your XP and am just speculating) - did you end the relationship when he wanted it to continue? Is it possible that he wants the tape solely as a record of the fact that you once loved him? Basically, is he being sentimental rather than malicious?
If that's the case, it still doesn;t mean you have to give him the tape, but it might help you to talk to him calmly about it.

JetPeanut · 16/03/2008 21:48

I'm just worried he will somehow get his hands on it. He sounds quite determined. please go and destroy it. Cut it into bits like you said, then put it in the bin on bin day as suggested.

I really hope he doesn't destroy the tapes of your kids - but I agree this is not as bad as the damage he could do if he got his hands on the sex tape.

lucyellensmum · 16/03/2008 21:51

This man sounds dangerous to me. how DARE he manipulate you like this. I would be reassesing his access rights if he were my ex. Not so he didnt see them but just so there was more control on your part. To use his children like that, despicable worm.

SoSoAshamed · 16/03/2008 21:51

Yes it was me that ended the relationship, when he wanted to continue.

Problem is, I just do not trust him one little bit. No one was ever meant to know about the tape at all, but I know for a fact that he told 2 work mates a few years ago.

I will destroy the tape tonight, as I agree that he may still try and get hold of it otherwise.

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SoSoAshamed · 16/03/2008 21:52

The access with the children is all under my control already, and I have no current concerns wrt that.

He is manipulative though, especially where sex is concerned and I am not surprised that he is desperate to get that tape back. IMO he is obssessed with sex.

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madamez · 16/03/2008 21:59

OK, destroy the tape. And if he starts whining about you having had no legal right to do so, yes you did and he has no legal comeback against you.
Please don't be ashamed of having been filmed, loads of people do this with no unpleasant consequences, there is nothing wrong with it.

Flibbertyjibbet · 16/03/2008 22:02

Would it make you feel better to know that lots of people - us for example - don't have camcorders and so don't have tapes of our children. Just photos and memories.
You have the children, if he wants to keep the tapes of the children just smile sweetly at him. The children can always snaffle them back for you when they are older for you to take copies.
I can't understand for one second why you have kept the tape. Cut it into a million pieces immediately and bin it. Then never mention the baby tapes to him again - he will be waiting for you to beg and plead for them back so don't do it.
Urgh you just know he wants the tape to wank over, or lend to his friends for them to wank over it, urghghghghghgh

SoSoAshamed · 16/03/2008 22:02

Thanks

Tbh I'd not think bad of anyone else having done this, and would tell them it was nothing to be ashamed of, but I just feel really bad about it, probably because it was with him.

OP posts:
littlegreyrabbit · 16/03/2008 22:04

go and destroy it now soso

off you go ...

NOW.

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