The Ten Commandments..

[onebatmother]

Okay, I am v bad at wading through parenting books.. big piles next to my bed, with coffee rings on.

But I feel I need to refresh my thinking/remind myself of some of the things that I used to know before I lost that other brain cell.

I have a ds of 6, and a dd of 2.4.

So - anyone fancy talking to me about the really excellent parenting rules/strategies/whatever, that have stood them in good stead in times of madness?

I am going to write them out in big red letters on the inside of my kitchen cupboard doors, and then when things spiral into madness I will just open the doors and pretend to be looking for a tin of something.. but secretly, I will be remembering how to be a Good Parent.

Thank you my dears.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

This Stage Will Be Over Soon

And Breathe

Negotiating and Tickling is Much More Fun Than Shouting

back later - smallest is wailing

1. Thou shalt not get angry and loose temper as this solves nothing.

2. Thou shalt remember that thou is not wonderwoman.

3. Junk food is OK in small proportions.

4. It thou children are annoying the hell out of thou there is no problem making them face the wall for a few minutes.

5. Accidents will happen.

6. Always think to thou self "well, it could be worse!"

7. Force feeding never works.

8. Social services are only a phone call away.

9. The cleaning will still be there tomorrow.

10. Look after yourself, have a rest when you can, pamper yourself, love yourself then you can look after others.

Choose Your Battles Wisely

A Lot Of Things Can Be Sorted By Turning Them Into A Game Or Other Lighthearted Thingummajig But Once You Start Shouting You Will Have Lost That Opportunity

and Things Always Look Better After a Cup of Tea/Coffee/Gin

1. Pick your battles and win them
2. Parents must seem to be united, have the disagreement with dp when the kids have gone to bed
3. Never go to sleep on an argument
4. Tell them they can do X two years older than you are preparend to let them 'give in' 2 years early and they are happy
5. Be consistant
6. If you fuck up, appologise to them
7. Remember that you are not a doormat
8. Moderation in all things
9. No one thing makes you a good or bad parent

10. Love then, even when they make you want to run away from home!

Oh, these are all wonderful!

To adapt my favourite quotation from jaws (see quotation thread) 'I'm going to need a bigger kitchen.'

Both 'No one thing makes you a good or bad parent'
and
'A Lot Of Things Can Be Sorted By Turning Them Into A Game Or Other Lighthearted Thingummajig But Once You Start Shouting You Will Have Lost That Opportunity'

..are both looking me firmly in the eye and holding my hand kindly.

Thank you for taking the time to do this. It is genuinely helpful, I think, to look at things through someone else's eyes and experience. Sometimes my head just feels.. full. Not enough RAM to process info.

I just bought the 10 new laws of love on recommendaion. Whilst there are some nuggets of wisdom in it, one must wade through acres of spiritualist crap to get to it, making the process less than enriching.

However, one such nugget applied for both parenting and parents; that of using 'I' statements rather than 'you' statements. Have a google as I can't translate without wading thru shite again and I just don't have it in me.

Where the fook are the self help books for rational athiests!?

LOL MB.

If we had followed your 3. Never go to sleep on an argument; both would be sleep deprived to the score of a year and a half!

hello monkey! got to go to school, back later.
V good idea tho, atheist self-help. Perhaps we are all too stoic?

roffle monkey at wading through acres of spiritualist crap

Remember that perfect parents do not exist !

No 3 for us was born out of losing too many friends in flying accidents.

But following it has been helpfil for us to stay , I think.

I'd definitely echo Peatbog's 'This Stage Will Be Over Soon', though I tend to think of it more as 'Whatever it is, it's just a phase'.

How awful martianbishop. Very sorry to hear that.

What about specifics though?

When ds won't get dressed faster than 1 item per 15 mins and we have 3.2 mins before we have to leave for school. And we have been here 25 million times before and he really should have learnt to get dressed faster by now/listen and I'm getting louder and louder..

When dd refuses a nappy change but smells like pigfarm?

etc.

OBM, I'm assuming you've tried the 'make this a game/competition' type of thing for ds getting dressed.

Does he get dressed as soon as he gets up, or after breakfast?

You see, that's exactly what I mean. I used to do that competition thing, before me troubles got me down

Then you suddenly find you've forgotten the basics/are too tired/pissed off to be imaginative in any way.

I have recently moved it to before breakfast, and we get up a bit earlier, and things have definitely improved

sorry to abandon you mid-quiz, OBM. Is there anything in his world-weary 6-yr-old life that could persuade him to get dressed at a reasonable pace? Bribery? Or is that a Bad Thing? (you see I'm only at 5-yr-old stage, so am making this up - can you tell?)

I race my eldest dd to get dressed.

This has been going on for Some Time, Peat. Was the same at 4,5, and now 6. In many respects is getting worse..

But actually, bottom line is probably humour, and not sweating the small stuff. Too much.

Some great ones on here. I love sleepycats for brevity, and also like portandlemons 'lighthearted thingumajig vs shouting' one!

I think I have mantras rather than commandments - which I can call to mind rapidly in the heat of family life.

I ask my children (8, 5 and 4)in times of battles, "who's in charge?" This is to remind me as much as remind them....

When child in full blown rant, chant to yourself: "someone has to be the grown-up - and it's you"

I also like an old quote, "This family is not a democracy but a kind, loving and on the whole benign tyranny"

These all sound rather stern - HOPE that's because I have to remind myself to be firm, more than I have to remind myself about the unconditional love stuff.....

listen to what they are telling you - don't guess what it is first and then start telling them the solution to whatever you have decided they are worried about

help them express themselves

don't tell them how to do things or expect them to do them the same as you

don't let them ruin Wine Time

these are all things I want to do, not things I manage

but I am very strict about Wine Time so that's a start

actually I did find reading the first 2 chapters of the How To Talk book and then leaving it kicking about in the bottom of the laundry basket has improved my parenting no end