How forgiving are you?

[givemecoffeee]

Just that really.

I have a situation, where an in-law said and did something that I consider to be horrible, at such a vulnerable time in my life.
Partner backs them completely (Although, I know it’s a hard situation to be ‘stuck in the middle). I don't really want to say what it’s about, because it’s ‘outing’.
I’m trying hard to forgive and move past, but feel it’s left it’s mark.

So it got me thinking - how forgiving are you? (if someone/something hurt you?)

I’m not. I fester on things that have been said/done, but it only hurts me. Wish I could forgive and forget.

And my FIL told two lies about me. The family knew they were lies but did nothing about it. I went NC and didn’t see him for the 8 years before his death.
I don’t put up with crap like that.

I consider myself a forgiving person. In the end if you harbour hurts and grudges they make you bitter and it shows in your face. Everyone is different however and we all have our opinions and our feelings on the issues we can and can't forgive. I forgive but I don't forget. My mother was horrible to me throughout my life (not going into details) she is no longer here. I forgave her behaviour for my own peace and happiness. Also me and my husband are reacquainted after almost a year of being separated. It has taken forgiveness on both sides as we both want to be with each other. Life is too short for hatred and bad feelings to fester

I'm not good at forgiving. I find it very hard. I have talked to my mum about forgiveness and how it's important because it free's you, but I find it very hard and I haven't quite achieve that freedom that I seek.

An older person was emotionally thoughtless towards me when I was in my mid 20s. I still remember how hurt and ashamed I was. I think it had a big effect on me as I 100% blamed myself.

We met again decades later and I still couldn’t get it out of my mind.

Depends. I am extremely forgiving if they acknowledge what they've done and sincerely apologise. If the don't then they can fuck off.

What is forgiveness?

Interested in your definition of what it means. An action, a feeling? To me it's actually quite a vague concept to get my head around.

I think for me forgiveness is a feeling of acceptance of what's happened-going through all the feelings it brings out in you-then making a conscious decision to not let what the other person has done define you.

See, I think that’s quite separate. I can do all those things within myself, allow myself the feelings, acknowledge it’s the other person’s issue and not mine — but not forgive them.

I agree with a pp. I’m pretty forgiving when someone acknowledges and apologises, but not at all to those who have no idea they’ve done anything wrong.

I'm not good at forgiving , something bad can change your whole view of someone . The trust is lost . I'm also an over thinker which magnifies the issue and is harder to let go .

It takes a lot for me to fall out with someone, I tend not to get overly involved. When the line is crossed, it's crossed forever. This has probably been by four people in total during my adult life.

This. I’m very forgiving if it’s a one off, I’ve made mistakes myself and if it’s acknowledged I’m more than happy to let it go.

But repeated patterns of shitty behaviour and non apologies and trying to make me feel bad for being honest about how I feel? Yeah. Fck right off with that. No mercy.

Def a grudge holder. Still holding one from 2014 against dh... He doesn't know as such but my actions towards him are at times mean.

I'm quite unforgiving. I can always muster the energy required to stay civil and polite in someone's presence, but if someone has hurt or wronged me, I'll keep them emotionally at arms length so all they'll get from me is pretty much talk about the weather and other surface level stuff. I think I read somewhere that it's called grey rocking.

Same with me ,i do my very best to keep the kind of person who would wrong me out of my life but if someone ever did they would get nothing more from me, though i don't think i would waste my time eating myself up with a grudge.

I am very forgiving. Some family members and friends over the years said and did some unspeakable things.

I am never going to let it ruin my happiness. I still speak to them , I'm pleasant. I will not allow them to make me feel shit

I would love to be more like you, honestly I take my hat off to you.
I was wondering if I was alone in struggling to forgive, but I guess it's the general theme here?

Someone said to me once IRL that it can only hurt if you value the opinion of that person/people, not sure if I agree with that - but maybe I'm quite sensitive.
I think I'm just a grudgey person keeping people that hurt you at arms length or out your life is the alternative to forgiving I guess.

It depends.
I was seriously injured in a car accident about 5 years ago. I suffered life changing injuries and it turned my, and my family's life upside down. I harbour absolutely no ill feelings for the young man who caused it. He was a kid, not much older than my own eldest at the time and he made a stupid mistake. A really stupid mistake admittedly, but a mistake all the same. I am sure he had no more wish for what happened to occur than I did and I genuinely hope he has learned from the experience, moved on and not had his life too badly affected. I have had no difficulty in forgiving him at all. It was unintentional and he never planned to hurt me.
But the actions of certain people in the aftermath are different. I have had some very poor medical care which made a bad situation a lot worse. Some friends who I thought I mattered to, and who I have done a lot for in the past dropped me like a stone. I feel quite bitter about those things. But the worst is the way my ex employers treated me. I don't think I will ever forgive that. There are people at my former workplace that I really hate and I don't think I will ever stop hating. I think the difference is that they had a choice over how they treated me. They didn't have to behave the way they did. There was nothing personal about the accident, but there certainly was about my ex employers' behaviour and I think that's why I can forgive one but not the other.

I'm quite forgiving. Whether or not I would choose to trust the person again is another matter, and depends on what the incident was in the first place.

I agree with that it only hurts of you value their opinion

I compartmentalise too. Put that anger/scenario whatever in a mental box and put a lid on ot. Never take that lid off. Just store it aware somewhere ti be ignored and forgotten about

I agree with that it only hurts of you value their opinion
That's a bit simplistic. It depends what the "thing" is and how much influence the person has over your life. I have absolutely no respect for my former manager and his opinions, but I'm kind of pissed off about losing my job.

I sort of forgive but a little bit of that person goes down the fondness scale. I will never forget though and sometimes that fondness level is in a very precarious position.

This is a very interesting viewpoint. That you can forgive a mistake, (even if it had awful consequences) but not an ongoing choice by your friends. I think I agree with this, but also much admiration for you being so gracious to the young guy.

Perhaps it’s also about emotional attachment- you are emotionally attached to friends so it hurts more. Wishing you all the best in your recovery ❤️‍🩹

Something similar happened to me at the weekend. DP mum behaved horribly and whilst I’m now on egg shells that she’s going to do it again at any time, I am a forgiving kind. I baked her a cake and smothered her with kindness instead.

I'm the kind of person who never fully forgives but I am also great at being civil.
When people have said or done nasty things to me I tend to just pretend they don't exist for a long while and when I next see them (usually in a year or so) im civil but they never get my friendship or respect ever again.