Snide remarks on Xmas card - should I reply?

[NoMoomAtTheInn]

I used to be quite close to my godmother, my mum's best friend. We didn't see much of each other as she didn't live near but we always got on very well - she has no children, married late, etc and I know she was very fond of me, as I was of her. Anyway, she moved to France with her husband 8 years ago and I have not seen her since. When I got married, she sent me a generous cheque a few weeks before the wedding. I was obviously very pleased and grateful, but - and here's my fatal error - did not send an immediate 'thank you'. In fact, I had intended to wait until after the wedding, and send a reply and thank you out with all the other thank you cards. But, before I had a chance to do this she sent an outraged letter to my mum, saying she was disgusted with my greed and ungratefulness and never wanted to hear from me again.

I obviously apologised profusely and sincerely (by letter). I ahd genuinely meant no offence at all and was extremely grateful - I just thought it would be okay to send her thank you at the same time as I sent all the rest! I have since sent her Xmas cards, pictures of ds, etc but had no replies. And then yesterday, my mum opened a card from her which read 'Dear R & R (mum and dad). I hope you two and J (my bro who also left home years ago!) have a wonderful Xmas, blah blah blah'. No mention of me whatsoever. Apparently I no longer exist.

I can't help but be really upset by this. I feel what happened with the wedding cheque was a genuine misunderstanding and that I have really apologised. She's obviously still holding a grudge. I think this card is spiteful and feel like telling her so (I have already sent her an Xmas card, btw!). Should I write to her telling her I think this has gone too far, or should I just get over it?

If you apologised at the time and she wouldn't accept the situation then, I doubt writing in a similar vein now will change her opinion. Sounds as though this is something which she broods upon constantly.

You could always send a letter, again explaining the circumstances and regretting that you upset her in anyway. Ask her to respond to your letter but state that, if you don't receive any response from her, you will unfortunatley have to accept that she no longer wishes to maintain a relationship with you and you will no longer bother her with Christmas cards, etc. You can then cross her off your list.

It's horrible, but sometimes relationships falter for no specific reason and you have to learn to let some go.

What does your mum think of it all? Presumably she was a good friend of hers for her to choose her as your godmother.

I don't think you'd achieve anything by writing, to be honest, except maybe stir more bad feeling.

Has your mum sent her cards out though? Might be the place for her to pointedly put news of all the family in her card to show that she stands behind you? Agree with FestiveFrex that your mum might be the key if there's any chance of salvaging the relationship.

I don't think you were at all out of line waiting until the thank you letters to reply, btw! I would have done the same - it was so busy around the time of the wedding...

My mum's quite upset by it all. The original letter was sent to her, not to me, which I think was out of order in the first place. They were very close friends when younger but over the years the relationship has dwindled to birthday and Xmas cards, really - especially since all this. It's not as if she has even bothered to contact my mum for months and months despite knowing about mum's illness.

It just leaves such a nasty taste in my mouth. I hate thinking that someone I actually still think fondly of obviously dislikes me so much that they literally won't even acknowledge my existence! But you're right, another letter probably wouldn't do any good.

I don't think you did 'wrong' in the first place, surely you should send the thank you AFTER the wedding. Most people don't open wedding day presents until after the wedding. It's a bit like sending your christmas thank yous out before christmas. I don't know what to suggest to rectify the situation, but I think your godmothers being a bit too sensitive about it. Like others have said, maybe your mothers the key, what is her view? Surely she must be upset by all of this as well?

PS My godmother got upset because I sent her wedding present list!

Good grief she sounds like a bitter and twisted cow who has nothing to worry about in her life so has to invent slights and insults. TBH I'm stunned you're still trying with her. How would your mum feel if you didn't bother writing anymore - the only reason I can see to continue to write is to please your mum. I wouldn't bother with one last card as she's probably enjoying the attention. I'm surprised your mum still bothers as well tbh. Sorry I just don't have time for people who play childish games and cause this much grief over nothing these days.

I lost a friend over wedding thank yous as well. He was furious that I hadn't sent a thank you BEFORE returning from honeymoon! We didn't even open the presents until after we got back (and the honeymoon was only a week so he hardly had to wait that long- we were also moving house and I was finishing my PhD so we were rather busy). He's never spoken to me again!

She is being ridiculous, isn't she? I just feel a bit sad about it, I guess, because she used to be so lovely - definitely 'favourite cool auntie' etc when I was younger.

I mean, it was a fairly generous amount but I always got the impression that people sent wedding gifts or money because it's a nice thing to do, not because they wanted undying gratitude from the recipients!

Oh well. I've done my bit. I shan't bother again. Silly mare.

she is nt your godmother anymore anyway 0 they are only till confirmation so I woudl bun her as I have mine - long story

Send her one more letter, explaining it all again. Tell her how sorry you were at the time and that it was a genuine error of judgement. Have a last go at mending fences and if that doesn't do it, forget it. Best wishes.

I would agree that it is normal convention to wait until you have returned from the honeymoon to send out thank you letters. Obviously if you had been speaking to her on the phone beforehand, it would be polite to say a verbal thankyou at that stage (provided your brain wasn't so addled that you forgot, which would be perfectly understandable).

When my sister got married last year, our aunt and uncle sent her a cheque before the wedding. She subsequently had another aunt on the phone (who was staying with them for the wedding) asking if the cheque had arrived - i.e. a not so subtle way of implying she should have thanked them already - again this was before the wedding. I would have to say that Aunt B is a right pain when it comes to these things, She's unmarried, never had kids, etc and is so wrapped up in her own existence that she doesn't make any allowances for other people's busy lives. She is the only person I bother sending a thank you card to for baby presents because it is not worth the grief if I don't. Every one realises that you have better things to do with your time when you have a new baby. She, on the other hand, berated my cousin's wife for not sending out thank you cards when her baby was born, which must have been the last thing she needed when suffering from PND.

By the way, are you sure it's not something else that's behind all this - maybe she was expecting to be invited to the wedding, for example? Sometimes people like to be asked, even though you know it's unlikely they can make it, cos of living abroad IYSWIM.

She and her dh were invited to the wedding. There's no way I wouldn't have invited her - in fact I was very disappointed she didn't come - I would have loved to have had her there to see me get married. Tbh, that would have meant much more to me than her flippin' money!

I guess what's really upsetting me is that it was 3 years ago now. I could perhaps understand her nose being put out of joint at the time - but to still be banging the same drum years later, after a full apology? I just don't get some people.

What an unpleasant old cow.

get over her, and be thankful your ds won't have any of her bile rubbing off on him.

Email received from SIL. "Every day I eagerly check the post, and still nothing from you. It's been four weeks since your wedding now. Are you not sending thank you cards?"

Those were the exact words. And there was no more to the email.

I never did send her a thank you card.

IMO - some people send gifts ONLY to receive grattitude, which is a sad and pathetic way to bolster your sense of being a decent person. If you are a great person, you would send something out of kindness and love to a person you know regardless of whether you received a card telling you what a generous person you are.

I thanked everyone in person for my wedding gifts, but have to admit to being rather rubbish on sending actual cards, letters etc.

Sod 'er.

Clutching at straws, but there is no chance that she might be sending you an xmas card seperately which is why she left you off?

I have a similar problem with my mother and my GS. He is one of her two great-grandchildren and she has sent birthday and christmas cards to the other one stating "To out one and only great grandchild".

IMO - take no notice, It's bloody childish behaviour from an adult who clearly should know better. It may sound harsh, but I she's going to behave like this - ignore her and get on with your life, it's no great loss. You don't have to be rude. As you're fond of this woman, you can maintain contact through birthday and christmas cards, etc. Personally, I'd leave her to get on with it...sounds like she'll end up a very lonely old woman.

Shoudl be "....our one and only great-grandchild"

Im sorry, but I'm of teh other camp. I feel it is extremely rude not to formally write and thank people for gifts. I do for every birthday, birth, Christmas, and with regards to wedding presents I did them as I went along. I don't agree that its the same to verbally thank people. Although I agree that you godmother is taking this too far, I think I would have telephoned immediately, and thanked, and then written a note with the other thank yous.

I have sent a present to a cousin of dh for their child, and nothing has come back, no thank yous or anything. I have to say it will be the last thing I send, if people cannot be good mannered enough to reply in some manner, then I will not put myself out by sending them something. Sorry completely goes against the rest of this thread.

I would leave it there. I agree with you that leaving you off the card was deli berate and spiteful (and highly offensive to your parents - they weren't the ones who put her nose out of joint). So she's presumably looking to keep needling and therefore the best thing is to call her bluff and cut her off too.
I think thank you letters etc are important and would be a bit peeved if I never recieved a thank you for a very generous present - but wouldn't get bitter until months later, once it became obvious that there was to be no acknowledgement whatsoever. These people who phone up within a week or two of the honeymoon must be stunningly self absorbed.

A thank you is nice and should be given. However, taking offence when you've not recieved a "Thank You" before a couple have even arrived back from honeymoon is a bit extreme. We did all ours when we returned and had had a chance to open everything and make a list of who had sent what so we could refer to the gift appropriately. Most people understand that there will usually be a delay in a thank you for a wedding gift.

Any possibility that you could return the cheque to her and say "Thanks but under the circumstances we can no longer accept this. Many thanks for your generosity"

Mandy

deegward I think most people are saying that thank yous should be done - just that they can take time. I was stunned that someone has never spoken to me again as I didn't send him a thank you before I'd even opened his present!!!

The real pain in the arse I find is ds1's thanks yous. he's almost 6- most people's kids write thier own thank yous by this age- there's no chance that that will happen ever I would imagine - so I do a joint thank you from him and ds2 (aged 2) to people I know will be offended or who are very close family (great grannys etc- that generation) (luckily not many) and verbally thank the rest and apologise for not sending a letter.

I agree that your Godmother is being a total pain and a drama queen over this, and it is very nasty indeed to leave you off the Christmas card, but I think that if someone has sent something thru the post , especially from abroad, a quick telephone call to say it's arrived safely is the best way to go.

But Heigh Ho, I can't say that I do that all the time, it was ds2's 8th birthday last week and he got a card with a tenner in ti and I haven't rung up yet - ususally put a note in the Christmas Card - so it's a case of do as I say, not as I do

Not really, Mandy, since the wedding was 3 years ago!

Deegward, I quite agree that in this type of situation verbally thanking someone for a gift isn't enough. My point is that all I was doing was waiting until after the wedding to send out all the (personalised, so her generosity would have been fully praised had she given me the chance!) thank-yous together. I don't think that is unreasonable.

Anyway. It's the spitefulness of it all that has really got to me. If she has a problem with me, fair enough, but writing 'family' cards and then very deliberately leaving one member of that family off is, well, pretty nasty really.

OK, I should actually explain this. I wasn't actually a cheque as such, it was money put into a dept store account so we could buy white goods, furniture, etc. Lots and lots of people did it - she just happened to put a bit more than £20.00 in. The irony is that we didn't even actually get the money to spend until a month after the wedding.

So it's not even as if there was a physical cheque that plopped on my doormat and I merrily banked it, spent it and then childishly refused to say thank you for it. (But that's not the point, of course, just thought I'd make it a bit clearer)

And that should of course read 'It wasn't actually a cheque....'