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Original poster

Snide remarks on Xmas card - should I reply?

51 replies

NoMoomAtTheInn · 12/12/2004 08:32

I used to be quite close to my godmother, my mum's best friend. We didn't see much of each other as she didn't live near but we always got on very well - she has no children, married late, etc and I know she was very fond of me, as I was of her. Anyway, she moved to France with her husband 8 years ago and I have not seen her since. When I got married, she sent me a generous cheque a few weeks before the wedding. I was obviously very pleased and grateful, but - and here's my fatal error - did not send an immediate 'thank you'. In fact, I had intended to wait until after the wedding, and send a reply and thank you out with all the other thank you cards. But, before I had a chance to do this she sent an outraged letter to my mum, saying she was disgusted with my greed and ungratefulness and never wanted to hear from me again.

I obviously apologised profusely and sincerely (by letter). I ahd genuinely meant no offence at all and was extremely grateful - I just thought it would be okay to send her thank you at the same time as I sent all the rest! I have since sent her Xmas cards, pictures of ds, etc but had no replies. And then yesterday, my mum opened a card from her which read 'Dear R & R (mum and dad). I hope you two and J (my bro who also left home years ago!) have a wonderful Xmas, blah blah blah'. No mention of me whatsoever. Apparently I no longer exist.

I can't help but be really upset by this. I feel what happened with the wedding cheque was a genuine misunderstanding and that I have really apologised. She's obviously still holding a grudge. I think this card is spiteful and feel like telling her so (I have already sent her an Xmas card, btw!). Should I write to her telling her I think this has gone too far, or should I just get over it?

OP posts:
GoodKingWestCountryLass · 12/12/2004 17:58

What is wrong with her? I mean, she must have understood you would have been very busy in the run up to your wedding and I think it was perfectly acceptable for you to wait to send her thank you with the rest of them. Does she want to be eternally grateful and in her debt for the money she sent? Me being me, I would ahve to say something!

Tinker · 12/12/2004 18:03

I'd leave it. Sounds like she's been nursing this grudge for years. You don't give a gift in order to get a "Thank you". In fact, send her this thread to show that whole world thinks she's a weirdo. (Don't!)

tigermoth · 12/12/2004 18:06

well you can see what mumsnetters think of your godmother. Not much! I am in agreement with them all.

I think ignoring her is a good sensible thing to do, safe in the knowledge that you are in the right. But if you feel this issue is really getting at you, there is another thing you could consider, but you would have to have quite a stong stomach to do it.

You know you have been reasonable. And this thread has made that clear if you were in any doubt. So if you can hold on to this thought, you could consider speaking to your godmother direct, either on the phone or face to face. Apolgise (again), ask her if missing your name on the christmas card was deliberate or an oversight, tell her you are hurt, that you always considered her a fab godmother, that you'd like to think she was still part of your life. Be absolutely up front - what have you got to lose? It's possible you might be able to stop this misunderstanding but if she is an unreasonable B*h, so what? Make this the last time you will have contact with her. And you can tell her that in a calm, adult way. At least you will have tried to communicate with her direct, said your piece and told her your side of the story.

Worth considering?

wickedwinterwitch · 12/12/2004 18:08

I'm with Jimjams and everyone who says she's being an old bag and I wouldn't bother doing anything. Even if you did offend her, you apologised, in writing, what else does she expect fgs? I'd leave it, her loss. But please tell us how much it was, I'm dying to know now!

wickedwinterwitch · 12/12/2004 18:09

Tigermoth's right of course, you have nothing to lose at all by trying.

JanH · 12/12/2004 18:15

Does she usually include you on your parents' card? Doesn't she have your address? Is there just a faint possibility that there is a separate card for you that just hasn't got to you yet?

If not maybe you could make one last attempt at reconciliation - mention that you didn't even get the money until after the wedding? (Or does she know that already?)

And if that doesn't make any difference then she is being very very petty and I think you do have to get over it and move on, sadly.

Original poster
NoMoomAtTheInn · 12/12/2004 18:36

Ds and I live with my parents (although my brother doesn't and his name was included!). That's why it's such a hurtful thing to do - as I'm sure she intended it to be.

Tigermoth, it's tempting. I'm sure you've probably all gathered that I do feel sad about this and would be very happy to have a relationship with her again. But I just don't think I have the stomach for it. Think I'm just going to have to accept it really. I know it's not really that big a deal in the scheme of things but it's just such an unpleasant feeling to know there's someone out there who really thinks you're a bad person!

OP posts:
Roobie · 12/12/2004 18:59

I agree she is being a silly old bag and you have every right to feel hurt... however I would continue sending the annual Christmas card as a sign that you are above such petty fallings out and still wish her well etc (even if you don't it always pays to retain the moral high ground!).

JoolsTide · 12/12/2004 19:21

My opinion is its she who has the problem. You've already apologised (not really necessary imo) and I certainly wouldn't do it again if she has so far been so ungracious as not to accept it.

In any case your silence will be far more frustrating to her than any vocal response could be!

Thecattlearemerloting · 12/12/2004 19:35

Take the moral high ground. You have already apologized. Just keep sending her a sweet xmas card every year, hoping that she has a lovely xmas. That way you dont sink to her level and it will probably bug her like h*ll!

codswallop · 12/12/2004 19:48

no I must say that thank you cards are obligatory IMO
it no goood thanking in person
YOu HAVe to make the effort a nd anyone who deosnt is lazy

BUT obv you can wauit till after the event
thast what I did too/
II asked a bride where my thank you letter was - she went scarlet, lazy cow

Socci · 12/12/2004 19:55

You poor thing - I can undrstand why you must be feeling so upset. However, if this is the way this woman treats you she's not worth having in your life IMHO. If she really loved you she would have been able to forgive the original upset. It sounds to me that she may well be angry about something else and is taking it out on you - I don't know of course but her attitude is childish and unreasonable. Cut your losses.

JingleBellJodee · 12/12/2004 20:02

Nothing much to add to what's been said, I'd send one more Christmas card and forget about it - she's festering and there's nothing more to be done.

I never understand why people expect a thank you phone call for a simple, no-cheque-enclosed birthday card. For some reason it's ME who gets it in the neck when DH gets a birthday card from his auntie (MIL sister) and then MIL phones ME complaining as her sister is hurt that DH hasn't called to thank her and I should have reminded him!

Thecattlearemerloting · 12/12/2004 20:51

Codswallop - I do agree that you should say thankyou and that it has to be timely (i.e 2 months later is no good whether in person or by letter), but I dont agree that it has to be a letter.

IMHO, in this modern age, a phone call or an email will suffice. Providing you have made the effort to say thank you in a genuine way.

codswallop · 12/12/2004 20:52

oh yes no prob witht hat

juniperdropofbrandy · 12/12/2004 21:03

I agree with sending her a card or phoning for one last chance if you are still hurting. Then either way you'll have closure. If she's still acting bitter then it's her loss.

You have no reason at all to feel bad as you have been very polite IMO. She really should be ashamed to have ever called herself your Godmother as no true Godmother would behave this way.

((((((hugs)))))

Thecattlearemerloting · 12/12/2004 21:04

Glad you said that Codswallop Smile, because my MIL can be completely anal about thank you letters. She spends most of xmas day (when she is supposed to be enjoying the company of her family) writing thank you letters (to other members of the family) for presents she has barely opened - completely farcical imo (has to be seen to be believed!).

codswallop · 12/12/2004 21:05

now you see I am a but of a contrast as I dont send xmas cards but do witie thank you letters...

spacedonkey · 12/12/2004 21:05

I think that thank you letters are far more important than Christmas cards. However I am too lazy to send either.

Thecattlearemerloting · 12/12/2004 21:10

No - I follow your logic on that one actually :)

People send so many xmas cards routinely that it becomes impersonal and almost pointless, whereas I guess you would rather spend your time and effort writing a few well thought out thank you's?

codswallop · 12/12/2004 21:10

yes or hand them out int eh play ground to people they see every day
OR they never see -s o whats the pointin sendign them
grrr

juniperdropofbrandy · 12/12/2004 21:13

also agree about xmas cards. I usually end up with a pile because our walls get filled with them.

Thecattlearemerloting · 12/12/2004 21:17

Yes me too Blush. Maybe we should start a national campaign. Only send cards to people you cant wish happy xmas to in person and the cards you do write, you have to write more in them than just love from....

I would only have to write about a dozen then Grin

Original poster
NoMoomAtTheInn · 12/12/2004 21:19

Probably will continue sending the cards because a) I'm a sap and b) I'm a sap who likes to take the moral high ground whenever possible Grin

And yes, I will admit I am a notoriously lazy card-sender usually and yes, I could see her point (a bit) initially. But three years later? Isn't it strange when you think you know someone and then something happens to make you realise that you just...don't?

Anyway, thanks for encouraging words. Bah and, indeed, humbug to the whole thing, I say Grin

OP posts:
Jimjambells · 12/12/2004 21:28

I've had a little snigger recently. I am quite good at sending thank you cards, birth announcements etc- but only just within an acceptable time frame- I do send them though. MIL has always made comments about how late I am, comparing me to SIL who has always been embarassingly fast. Anwyay SIL has had first baby recently- and we didn't get a birth announcement or a thank you (nor did my parents come to that - when the equivalent is someone I always make sure I send to). Doesn't bother me at all but did make me chuckle. Now feel proud of myself for getting the damn things done at all.