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Original poster

Someone on Radio Five this morning said shouting at your children equates to child abuse

37 replies

Carla · 09/12/2004 10:31

Well I shouted at my children this morning, and CERTAINLY not proud of it, but child abuse? What do you think, before they take me away?

OP posts:

marialuisa · 09/12/2004 10:35

I'm sure they mean sustained shouting of the "shut up you stupid little F*er" variety rather than "get dressed NOW!" variety.

There's a similar fear-mongering article in the Times about a father who was banned from tthe family home for 6 months for giving his son a single smack on the bum. Article doesn't mention that said father has previous convictions for assault and weapons offences and threatend the police officer who asked why he hit his son quite so hard (which explians bail conditions).

pinkmama · 09/12/2004 10:43

OMG thats me and all my mates stuffed then! Agree with marialuisa, sure they mean the nasty stuff. I am sure that are some parents who never shout, but have yet to meet them. Used to live near someone who was verbally abusive to her kids all the time and it was very very sad. Big difference I think. WOuld love not to shout, but I do.

Original poster

Carla · 09/12/2004 10:56

Do you think so? I got the impression that instead of saying WILL YOU GET YOUR CLOTHES ON NOW you should get down to eye level with your child and say 'will you get your clothes on now'. That would work a treat with my two.

OP posts:

wordsmith · 09/12/2004 11:01

I have been listening to this on R5 this morning. I think this is yet another example of attempting to resolve extremes of behaviour by demonising the milder forms, much as in frightening the life out of any pregnant woman who has a small glass of wine once a week because sustained binge drinking will harm the baby. I don't know anyone who thinks it's "a good idea" to smack a child, but most parents I have met can differentiate between a slap on the hand and sustained violent thumping. If I slap my child it is normally because he has ignored several other ways of my attempting to communicate that I wish him to stop his behaviour, including face to face reasoning, threats of loss of treats/privileges and explanations as to why it would be a good idea if he stopped. Having said that, a slap may be administered after this process simply because I have run out of other methods and I am at the end of my tether. So it's a response to my own powerlessness rather than a remedy that I really think will solve the problem. Don't know if that makes sense.

I agree that some of the things I often shout at my elder son when I've 'lost it' make me much much more ashamed afterwards than a smack does.

marialuisa · 09/12/2004 11:48

Weirdly enough I make a point NOT to preface things like "get dressed" with "will you", DH is the same. It's just asking for a child in brat mode to refuse the "request"-not that we ever did this ourselves you understand....

Anyway we've managed to screw DD up so badly that she's averse to us making any remotely negative comments about her behaviour so thus far have never felt the urge to shout (let alone smack!)

StNickschik · 09/12/2004 11:52

Well, lock me up and throw away the key! Don't like to shout at dd but sometimes repeated asking in a calm but firm voice just does not work for either of us!!! got my comeuppance the other day though - Dd was having a tea party with her teddies and I left the room to go to the loo. Unbeknownst to me I was the special guest and as I was weeing I heard repeatedly 'Mummy, come here please' in a very grown up voice and at increasing volume until I reappeared. She then said 'Good girl, thank you!' Was trying desperately hard not to laugh!!

Flumberrysauce · 09/12/2004 11:55

It does, and it irritates the neighbours too. Low authoritative voices all round, like wotsit on 'Little Angels' always says.

I come from a non- shouting family, its lovely and calm. I had a boss once who shouted at me and I was staggered as I was 26 and don't think I'd ever been shouted at before. I just stood their staring at her like she was mad. I asked her if she was struggling with life and praps she needed a quiet sit down. She wasn't very happy but didn't do it again.

merglemergle · 09/12/2004 11:58

I actually think kids need to grow up with real parents with failings, and losing your temper is a failing. They then need to see how you deal with that. Thats part of growing up.

I don't think shouting at a very young child is a good idea (like a small baby). If they can't understand, it will just scare them. But sometimes these things happen. Its a bad idea but so is giving them lots of sweeties-but sometimes, yes, they have too many sweeties.

Having said that I have never yet shouted at ds. However, I don't really shout at anyone. I have plenty of other horrible things that I do. I probably would get down on his level and say "will you please put your coat on now please". And consequently it takes us ages to get out of the house in the morning and he doesn't getmuch in the way of wonderful parent and toddler experiences.

Flumberrysauce · 09/12/2004 11:59

My family have failings, I have many, but we are just too lazy to shout.

FlashingRudolphNose · 09/12/2004 12:00

I wonder if this was the same person who was on This Morning last week? She was saying that if you shout at your children they will struggle to make friends and will be unpopular at school .

Why are parents constantly demonised and made to feel guilty in this way? Being a mother is far and away the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Wordsmith, you're right, it's the constant "sledgehammer to crack walnut" approach to this kind of thing that makes me so cross. It's completely unrealistic - I strive very hard not to shout at my children because I know it doesn't work and doesn't help, but sometimes I do because I'm a human being without a bottomless pit of patience. Grr .

wordsmith · 09/12/2004 12:19

To all those confused my my smacking rant earlier - have just realised the title of this thread was shoutingat your children... not smacking! . I was confused cos the R5 debate this am was about smacking.

Same argument applies though!

Davrosthesnowman · 09/12/2004 15:31

I find listenting to Radio 5 in the morning is like abuse. All that guffawing and crowds of people in the studio sharing some private joke, its really annoys me! I have to abuse DH into changing back to good old R4!

spacedonkey · 09/12/2004 15:34

I found myself listening to Simon Mayo one afternoon on Radio 5 and rather enjoying it (sort of against my will). Mark Kermode was doing film reviews.

Socci · 09/12/2004 15:35

I agree Davros - you can't beat Radio 4.

spacedonkey · 09/12/2004 15:36

(Should add that normally I'd listen to R4 but on this occasion they had one of those interminable afternoon plays where everyone speaks with a cod west country accent.)

foxinsocks · 09/12/2004 15:38

I enjoy radio 5 but I do agree, some of the show with more than one presenter can be a bit over chummy. Having said that, I almost always have it on in the background when I'm at home and I've started to enjoy that morning slot with victoria derbyshire.

I find radio 4 is a bit like radio snore at the moment.

wordsmith · 09/12/2004 15:44

sd... I always try and listen to Mark Kermode's film reviews. Simon Mayo's show is the best thing about R5. I listen to R4 in the morning, it's set to wake us up at 6.15 with the Today prog. But it's so calm it hardly ever does (wake us up I mean)

foxinsocks · 09/12/2004 15:47

I hardly ever get to see films anymore but I still find Mark Kermode's reveiws quite amusing. I find myself giggling every now and then when he really slags a film off.

spacedonkey · 09/12/2004 15:47

he's great isn't he, delightfully opinionated

motherinfestivemood · 09/12/2004 15:47

I shouted at DD1 the other day while she was in the bath - something along the lines of 'NO', I remember - and she said firmly and sympathetically, 'Mummy, you're tired'. And we both burst out laughing.

Don't think she's too badly scarred, really

nailpolish · 09/12/2004 15:50

i dont shout at my children (unless they are on the other side of the park or up the stairs etc.) but i dont call it child abuse no way. they just shout back.

i shouted at dd1 once, she didnt bother, just walked away, and i cried for 2 days so havent done it again

tatt · 09/12/2004 15:53

I think they are right really. If you shout at them all the time its probably worse than a light tap now and then. Unfortunately I've been known to do both - where's my bad mother badge?

AMerryScot · 09/12/2004 15:57

The person who talked about shouting at children was Ann Atkins - vicar's wife and newspaper columnist.

AMerryScot · 09/12/2004 16:00

Make that Anne Atkins

wordsmith · 09/12/2004 16:00

Ann A subliminally shouts at everyone - was she pro or anti?

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