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Original poster

MIL lives with a fact that FIL been cheating for 30 yrs

42 replies

towelsand · 20/04/2023 12:10

Why? I just really want to find out the psychological reason for her accepting the fact that he's been cheating on her for more than 30 years. With a same person, that is.

OP posts:
BlueKaftan · 20/04/2023 12:12

Could be because she has poor self esteem or because she’s fine with the arrangement.

pinkyredrose · 20/04/2023 12:12

Cognitive dissonance.

She's denying herself the true knowledge of what's happening.

WimpoleHat · 20/04/2023 12:13

Kindly - it’s her business. Whatever her reasons, they don’t affect you. And quite possibly her way of coping with it is not to analyse it - and certainly not to talk about it. And that’s nothing to do with anyone else.

pikantna · 20/04/2023 12:16

Is it cheating or is it the way their marriage works for them?

Either way, if this isn't something you can ask her, it's not something you really need to be poking about in. If your relationship with her is such that you can discuss this, great, if not, it's not your business.

Chowtime · 20/04/2023 12:18

It's normal.

Years ago it used to be normal to be faithful. Now it's normal to be unfaithful. Your MIL has probably been unfaithful too.

It's not what I'd accept but most people tolerate it.

Original poster
towelsand · 20/04/2023 12:18

They do affect me actually, because she is a bitter, vindictive person who makes excuses fo him in front of my children

OP posts:
Chowtime · 20/04/2023 12:19

towelsand · 20/04/2023 12:18

They do affect me actually, because she is a bitter, vindictive person who makes excuses fo him in front of my children

Excuses for him about what? Surely you, as a family, aren't discussing your FIL sex life with your children present.

WandaWonder · 20/04/2023 12:19

towelsand · 20/04/2023 12:18

They do affect me actually, because she is a bitter, vindictive person who makes excuses fo him in front of my children

It's is still nothing to do with you though, if you don't think it's ok to be around then don't be around her

Motnight · 20/04/2023 12:22

towelsand · 20/04/2023 12:18

They do affect me actually, because she is a bitter, vindictive person who makes excuses fo him in front of my children

The whole situation sounds absolutely toxic. I hate to think what your children are witnessing.

Original poster
towelsand · 20/04/2023 12:27

Of course we don't discuss anything like that as a family.
By excuses I meant she covers up for him saying "he is at work" when it's clear that he isn't.

Anyway, I was more interested in the psychological side of things, of course it's not (entirely) my business what she does

OP posts:
Redebs · 20/04/2023 12:29

Chowtime · 20/04/2023 12:18

It's normal.

Years ago it used to be normal to be faithful. Now it's normal to be unfaithful. Your MIL has probably been unfaithful too.

It's not what I'd accept but most people tolerate it.

I'm sure being unfaithful isn't a new thing 🤣

WandaWonder · 20/04/2023 12:32

towelsand · 20/04/2023 12:27

Of course we don't discuss anything like that as a family.
By excuses I meant she covers up for him saying "he is at work" when it's clear that he isn't.

Anyway, I was more interested in the psychological side of things, of course it's not (entirely) my business what she does

But how,is that effecting the children? How the children know he is as work or not?

Some people ignore cheating because they have a certain life they want to keep hanging on too, sure I don't get it but it's not my thing

Divebar2021 · 20/04/2023 12:33

I should think this is about her financial security and lifestyle. ( or saving face / status in the community)

WhatHoMarjorie · 20/04/2023 12:33

some people are so devoted to their spouse that they're willing to turn a blind eye to all sorts of shit. sounds like FIL has a sweet deal. doesn't sound like it's made MIL very happy, her decision though.

Original poster
towelsand · 20/04/2023 12:35

He is retired, but he still does "private work" where he "has to stay overnight" but the phone usually doesn't work in a hotel... nonsense like this

Children aren't silly, come on

OP posts:
loislovesstewie · 20/04/2023 12:50

Actually it's not a new thing. I can remember as a child quite a few men having '' fancy women' as it was called. It was widely known about, lots of gossip about it, we had a couple near us who went wife swapping as it was called. Women didn't leave because they couldn't afford to, or liked the material life they had and were prepared to put up with the gossip etc. I don't know why your MIL stays, she might like her home comforts or whatever, or be happy that he's getting his leg over elsewhere. Who knows?

HappinesDependsOnYou · 20/04/2023 12:53

I doubt the children really care. I don't see how her covering up for him impacts anyone else. They are both making a choice to live that way. It could be a variety of things that make them live that way. She could hate him and want to leave but is scared. He could be lying to her and she actually believes it. She could be in denial. It might be agreed that he could open the marriage. She could be having affairs. She might turn a blind eye thinking it's a break from him for her. He might genuinely be away doing some sort of work and just not wanting to speak on the phone. He could actually be off doing something else medical or what ever and they just aren't saying

Tidsleytiddy · 20/04/2023 12:56

It’s a sham of a “marriage” isn’t it. Intolerable. He’s a thoughtless piss taking bastard and she’s some sort of mug. What a life

WhatHoMarjorie · 20/04/2023 12:56

HappinesDependsOnYou · 20/04/2023 12:53

I doubt the children really care. I don't see how her covering up for him impacts anyone else. They are both making a choice to live that way. It could be a variety of things that make them live that way. She could hate him and want to leave but is scared. He could be lying to her and she actually believes it. She could be in denial. It might be agreed that he could open the marriage. She could be having affairs. She might turn a blind eye thinking it's a break from him for her. He might genuinely be away doing some sort of work and just not wanting to speak on the phone. He could actually be off doing something else medical or what ever and they just aren't saying

Really? I'd most definitely have an opinion on the situation if I'd grown up in a family where this was the arrangement between my parents.

Tidsleytiddy · 20/04/2023 12:57

Absolutely this ^

Skybluepinky · 20/04/2023 13:03

Mayb she doesn’t like sex and they both love each other so she lives with it.
If she is happy, y make a big thing if it.

TempNCforthis · 20/04/2023 13:09

I remember a woman at work who accepted all kinds of ridiculous reasons as to why her husband came home showered and fed after working in an office 9-5. He would come home at about midnight. It was pretty clear that she was not letting herself go there. Once you know for certain, though, it's very very hard to not do something about it, I think.

Do you think your FIL has actually got children with the OW?

Original poster
towelsand · 20/04/2023 13:09

I don't agree with the opinion that it's got nothing to do with others, as both me and my husband are aware of this siruiation, and I think it's really difficult for him to see his mum being treated this way...

You know what the worst part is? That she is entertaining this whole circus, but she seems so unhappy

OP posts:
Original poster
towelsand · 20/04/2023 13:10

TempNCforthis · 20/04/2023 13:09

I remember a woman at work who accepted all kinds of ridiculous reasons as to why her husband came home showered and fed after working in an office 9-5. He would come home at about midnight. It was pretty clear that she was not letting herself go there. Once you know for certain, though, it's very very hard to not do something about it, I think.

Do you think your FIL has actually got children with the OW?

Well, we have been thinking about this... if so, the child is a grown up

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 20/04/2023 13:16

towelsand · 20/04/2023 13:09

I don't agree with the opinion that it's got nothing to do with others, as both me and my husband are aware of this siruiation, and I think it's really difficult for him to see his mum being treated this way...

You know what the worst part is? That she is entertaining this whole circus, but she seems so unhappy

I agree with you, OP.

Your MIL and FIL have embroiled your family in their lie and are relying on your to perpetuate it.

You presumably have to pretend you believe them when he can't come to XYZ event because he's 'working away'.

Imagine if your DH said 'come off it Dad, we all know what you're really doing'.

It ruins everyone's everyone's social occasions with a message elephant in the room.