MIL lives with a fact that FIL been cheating for 30 yrs

[towelsand]

Why? I just really want to find out the psychological reason for her accepting the fact that he's been cheating on her for more than 30 years. With a same person, that is.

How would feel if she was just honest about it and told everyone that he had a mistress that he enjoyed spending time with and she didn't mind.

Maybe it works for them. Monogamy isn't the only right way of living.

Why not just discuss it openly with your DC (depending on their age).

One of my PIL had an affair and there was a "bastard child" (not my words) as a result. This had implications as initially they were welcomed into the family and later rejected.

We continued our relationship with the affair offspring but my PIL do not.

I am very clear with my DC as to why that is and that their relative (who they love dearly) is not at fault for having one different parent to their siblings.

Obviously PIL aren't happy about that, but it's the truth and in essence they're not great people and their child is, so I know whose influence I'd rather have around my DC.

In teaching your kids about healthy relationships it's important to point out unhealthy ones and why they're unhealthy so your kids know what to avoid in their future lives and don't repeat unhealthy patterns.

I have one of these iIn my family OP, it baffles me

The fallout from it is huge. Family members all not speaking as they have been accused of making it up when he’s been caught out.
kids not speaking to them, so never even met their own grandkids.

Right shambles, they are definitely miserable. But there we go I never get involved with it and just let them carry on if that’s how they want to live their life

But I do get where you are coming from, it’s hard to see and it does affect more than just themselves

I don't get it either. When I was 16/17/18 I had a boyfriend for about a year. He lived with both his parents who slept in separate rooms, his dad had OW, my boyfriend and his mum knew about this. My boyfriend had only found out by accident though (not sure at what age) and his parents had told him that they were waiting for him to turn 18 to separate. He would have rather they split already! It was such a weird situation, his mum clearly wasn't happy about the OW situation, and his Dad would never have tolerated it if his mum had an OM. As he had found out about it he also ended up meeting OW and didn't like her/the situation but felt he had no choice as his dad would have been an arsehole about it, if he'd refuse.

Anyway he turned 18 but was still at school doing A levels and they still hadn't split. We split up and the parents still hadn't separated and I think he did an extra year of 6th form too, so maybe that was their excuse. Honestly I think his dad was just an arsehole and wanted the wife at home to cook and clean for him, while he had his fun on the side that he didn't commit to properly.

I wouldn't be surprised if his parents are still together now, and this was over 20 years ago!

-She doesn’t want sex (or not with him)
-She doesn’t want to divorce or live alone
-She likes the companionship
-She wants his money contributing towards the household and her retirement
-She doesn’t want to divide Christmas and birthdays between the families if things are acrimonious

Loads of reasons. Lots of people stay when their husband or wife has been unfaithful for purely pragmatic reasons. Lots of people are unpleasant despite having a faithful partner or being single.

She may not have the means to leave. Or wish to face old age alone, so she makes the best of a bad lot.

I’ll answer because it’s something that crossed my mind. But it’s a feeling I had after 30 years of marriage, not for 30 years.

Long marriage, husband on the controlling side. I hit menopause and my libido disappeared. I also became less of a mug. Various reasons marriage went downhill, him angry as no sex and I had belatedly imposed some of my own boundaries.

After death by a thousand cuts I know I stopped loving him. I carried on putting up with it, because I didn’t have the balls to detonate the divorce bomb. I was mostly afraid of his reaction and the fall out from his anger. Although I had no problem with the thought of starting out again on my own, or living on less money it was his potential behaviour that stopped me.

I was in a sort of put up and shut up mode, and I rightly supposed we were just one big argument from divorce. We could get along ok, even joke and be jolly. As long as I didn’t say anything to rile him.

So I began to wonder that if he had a bit on the side, would it bother me? Answer not the least. Maybe he would be more cheerful and he would be less prone to being nasty to me. I could see downsides as well.

Well finally I ended up having the outburst, the argument followed and bingo hello divorce.

Divorce law has changed from the past, and I was surprised to realise that after a long marriage I will be legally due 50%. In the past he who controlled the money could literally cast off a long time wife practically penniless. I’m talking 50 years or so? I’m not sure how long to be honest, but it is what stopped some women initiating divorce, and meant living in a marriage like your Mil.

I don’t think my experience explains your MIL’s case. If she was like me she’d be a happier person, not vindictive. So maybe she thinks she’s trapped?

However, I don’t think anybody looking at our marriage from the outside would have realised how intimidated I was by him. I’m from an older generation and as a newly wed it was the normal thing to take the subordinate role.

As someone from a younger generation who expects equality in a relationship, it must be difficult to understand older women behaving this way.

As for your Mil, only she knows why she does it.

@WhatHoMarjorie and @towelsand I apologise I read it as your children not your DH having the wool pulled over his eyes. Grandkids I don't think would care because they would be further removed but your DH yes that would be really tough to see his mum live like that. He must have a reduced respect for his dad too but I doubt either MIL or FIL are thinking beyond themselves

I think that you are being quite harsh on your MIL and not harsh at all on the FIL, who is the one being out of order!

Why doesn’t your husband have a go at his father? Tell him to stop having affairs?

maybe she is happy? Maybe it works for them?

Sometimes it's a status thing, an old fashioned view that men strayed and women put up with it because to divorce is unfathomable. Keeping up appearances and all that.

And the man who's been leading a double life for more than 30 years will listen to that advice, will he?

I am probably "harsh" on MIL because I can't stand her, I've seen many nasty sides of her throughout the decades. I absolutely accept that I can't think of her in a rational way

@towelsand I think the fact that you ‘can’t stand her’ means that you cannot make any kind of objective judgement on her. I am a bit sick of women being blamed for men’s harm. The FIL is being horrible to her, by carrying on an affair. The MIL is doing nothing wrong in that sense. You might dislike her for other reasons - but by piling on to her that she is somehow to blame for her husbands actions, and you are judging her for that isn’t very nice of you either.

@towelsand and yes of course your DH should tell his FIL that his affairs are affecting the whole family. So what if he doesn’t listen, doesn’t mean that your husband and you blame the MIL instead! You want her to change, but not the FIL?

Sounds like the FIL is being cosseted by everybody and his wife is being made to be a scapegoat for his toxic behaviour.

Yeah, you could be right...

As I’m getting older I realise relationships are far more complex than we think when we’re younger. Things I would have left for in my 20s and 30s don’t bother me so much now, I expect perhaps a lot of people like your MIL are the same. That’s not to say I’d personally stand for cheating but I can understand why some would. Financial security, friendship, mutual support etc - people stay in relationships for all kinds of reasons and they don’t always care if the other person has a life on the side. It really isn’t anyone else’s business.

I agree with @Xrays - perhaps your MIL has calculated the cost of calling him out on it - divorce, losing her family home, splitting up family gatherings, poorer standard of living, pension, etc

She is angry and bitter she's in the situation she is in, but believes (rightly or wrongly) that the alternative would be worse for her.