Am I unreasonable in expecting my inlaws to be more generous?

[tootle]

My inlaws are stingy people. They have a very warped sense of what spending excessively is. In their eyes anything beyond frugal living is excessive.

My DH are not materialistic people but when we do buy something (say somethimg long lasting like a breadmaker) we buy the best quality we can afford.

I am a SAHM, my dh is a public sector worker and we live in the very expensive South East. We bought our house 2 years ago and missed out buying at the beginning of the boom. If we'd bought 18 months earlier I guess we'd be in a very different position.

30 years ago, my dh's profession was well respected and well-paid in comparison to other jobs, but all things being relative, he's well enough paid that we don't suffer anything near poverty, but we're never going to be the richest people on the block.

But, I don't think my inlaws are intune with relativety. They are obviously proud of their son and his chosen profession. However, they don't seem to realise that, whilst we are still able to buy mobile phones, have a monthly meal out, buy our dd new clothes (as well as nearly new) and have a modest annual holiday, we're actually not very big spenders in comparison to a double waged couple with no kids, or two parents who work in the field of IT (for example)

All we really want out of life is to live in a better area in a slightly bigger house. We don't want 3 foreign holidays a year or a bug 4X4 in the drive or to be able to cloth our dd from miniboden.

My inlaws live in a large house in the most expensive home county. They are just retired. They don't appear to spend much money. They eat food beyond its use-by-date, they buy second hand at the detriment of choice/quality, they hardly ever go on holiday, they don't even spend much money on their lovely house. But, they're from the generation when they struggled. They brought up 4 children in a small house and they didn't have spare cash for holidays and their children didn't have new clothes and toys and blah blah blah.

Dh's 3 siblings are older, single and childless (and will remain that way) so I cannot understand why they won't do more to help us give their only grandchild a better start in life. Why not let us have some of our inheritance now... why are they saving it up in the bank. I wouldn't mind if they actually spent it and enjoyed themselves but I just don't get it.

My children will probably benefit hugely in the future from their grandparents but I think it is better that the money is spent now to provide my daughter with a bigger house and better quality of life than being presented to her as a lumpsum in her teens or 20s when she could do more damage with the money.

If they won't put their hands in their pocket to help us out, I wish they could at least be supportive instead of making sniping remarks about how many clothes my dd has (she does NOT in comparison to thers) how many toys she has, how they coped fine without a baby back carrier. ARGH!

They probably think it is character building to struggle.

Sorry - I just had to vent!

If you know the money is there and earmarked for your family and you really need it now then perhaps your husband should consider asking if they would consider letting you have it now. If you KNOW, for sure that they have a large amount sitting in the bank and waiting to come to you all when they die. Suggest they may want to see you benefit from their genorosity by letting you have it now.

If you don;t know that there is a lump sum sitting in a bank with your husbands name on it then leave well alone.

That;s been my point all along but perhaps I did not word it well. They have got money in the bank that they don't intend to spend but instead pass on to their children after they die. I'm not just expecting to dictate that they spend thier money on us... as I said I would much rather they spend it on them but if it is DHs anyway, he'd rather spend it on his dd's behalf now and let his parents see her going to a nice school.

If we stay in the South East and want to move to an area with okay schools, we'd have to move to a two-bedroom house or flat... (we're currently in a 2) so when I say bigger house, I mean bigger in the nice area, not especially bigger than we have now. My inlaws despair over where we live too.

Anyway. What will be will be and I'm sure we can find some other way out of our current area or else we will ask for a loan - which will be kind of them if they agree.

sorry - currently we're in a 3.

Tootle I think you've had a fairly harsh response here. Cos I can sort of see your point. My ILs spend lots of money on silly things for my children which they don't play with and just take up space in my house. And I sometimes can't help thinking "it would be so much more beneficial if you would put the money into an account for them" while still realising its up to them how they spend their money.

You say they've only just retired. Perhaps they're worried about their longer term old age. Perhaps they want to hold on to the money in case they need it later. They need to strike a balance, don't they?

I think that if they are going to leave it to you anyway then it would be so much better to do it now and potentially avoid paying 40% of it to the taxman.
My parents moved into a smaller house recently and have put a substantial amount of money into a trust for our children. This trust has then bought part of our new house for us (with dh and I contributing the rest from the sale of our current house). This has enabled us to move to a bigger house which is closer to nursery and school. At no point did I expect this or ask for it, but my dad is very averse to the idea of the money ending up with Gordon Brown! Once dd1 reaches 25 then the trust ends and we are expected to either buy out its share of the house or sell the house, so that our children can use the money to get onto the property ladder themselves. I know we are very lucky

Sorry Tootle no sympathy from me either. IMHO everyone should make there own way in this world - I can imagine its galling the comments they make but ignore them (easier said than done probably )

Look I'm a SAHM so am not meaning this aggressively, but how would you feel if they made this judgement about you `why doesn't she get off her own butt to help her own kids etc.. if she's that materialistic'. It would probably irk you wouldn't it? Well as lucky as they are - it is their money and not yours (yet!)

tootle I can see where you're coming from but also agree that there's nothing you can do about it. But I think its also hard being in the grandparents' generation - I am sure that above all else they would not want to be a financial burden on their children, and it is very hard to predict how much they would need to be sure of that. So you'd need to be pretty sure that they really had surplus if your dh was going to ask for his inheritance 'early'. Plus it is also complicated if there are siblings - how are they to judge how much is due to each one? If they give to your dh now, how much should they take off his 'share' for later?
Looking at it from their point of view, they probably think you have wealth way beyond what they could have expected at a similar stage. Its just that relatively speaking, everyone else does too and we're not very good at appreciating what we have.

All in all I think you are best off just forgetting about any possible contribution from them.

But of course I understand your frustration with them - I'm sure most of us here are capable of thinking Bad and Unreasonable Thoughts from time to time!

Being a SAHM doesn't have anything to do with it. We have the largest mortgage we were offered and that was before I was a SAHM. Me having a job would not follow that we could have a bigger mortgage or afford to move to a better area in a 3 bedroom house. Calculated on joint mortgage, we would be offered the same.

Anyway, I think my inlaws like me being a SAHM.

tootle - no criticism but I don't understand the logic as to why you would not be offered more money if you were working?

Because they would offer us 3 times joint salary or 4 times DH's salary alone. Because my earning power is less than his, that would equal the same amount

tootle, grandparents come in all shapes and sizes! Can't live with em, can't live without em!!

Yes that is very true. I know that my children will judge their grandparents by their own criteria and I think that they have good reason to adore my Dh's parents perhaps because of some of their eccentricities. The ironic thing is I'd be disgusted if my child said " I prefer other granny because she spends more money on us" and would be the first to give her a good talking to about being appreciative of the small things in life.

You never know what the future may hold -

the parents of some friends of ours offered to fund their grand-children's education ('having their inheritance early') and the kids were sent to private schools - 5 yrs on, the grand-parents' circumstances have changed and they can no longer afford to pay for the school fees. My friends don't want to disrupt the chilren's education, but can't afford the fees.

Tootle,

Unfortunately it is their money until they die but i can understand you needed to come onto MN and vent your frustration especially when your struggling.......You come accustomed to your way of life and unfortunately when you have kids things change.....In the 80's my parents had 3 kids in a 1 bedroom flat. They saved hard and now have a nice nest egg. Im not prepared to make those sacrifices and so have to struggle and would not expect my parents to bail me out although they do but if they said no i would have to accept that.

on the other hand my inlaws are over generous with my DD and buy ridiculously expensive presents for her....i asked them to maybe put the money in an account and they told me i had a cheek in asking which was fine as it's their money. However, I am DD's mum and my say is law so if i choose not to give a 2 year old a tv for her bedroom then they will have to take it back.

I guess my point is that no-one ever agrees where money is concerned and i think you might have to find another way of financing your lifestyle!!

I take it bumping them off is out of the question

tootle, I think you have had some surprisingly harsh criticism here especially as you are sure your inlaws have earmarked money for each of their children anyway.

What's wrong with thinking about avoiding inheritance tax? Also, speaking as one who had a modest inheritance from my parents when they died, I was told by a solicitor that my dh would have been entitled to half of it (potentially) if we had split up, even though his name was not mentioned in the will. Likewise, I expect if my inlaws leave anything to my dh, as long as we are still married, I would have some legal claim on it.

I am in a slightly similar position to you - no parents on my side, property rich-ish inlaws on my husband's side. He is an only child. I have no idea how my inlaws intend to spend their money but they have only been retired for a few years so will need quite a bit in reserve. They also like holidays and going out so, happily, we don't have the problem of urging them to spend money on themselves. I gather they will leave dh and our sons something, but don't know the finer details - and expect my inlaws don't know either.

I do wonder from tine to time what the future holds, and contrast that with any struggles we have for now. I think I would be very lacking in imagination if I did not.

Horseshoe - that is the ohter side of the coin isn't it? Grandparents who lavish their grandchild with inappropriate and expensive gifts.

I guess they can never get it right. I wonder what sort of mil I would make [type]

one other thing, do you think your dh's three childless siblings will remain childless? if not, do you think you inlaws are holding back on giving stuff to your dd as they don't want to set too generous a precedent?

My inlaws told us, for instance, that they won't fund our older son's education now we have a younger son as two lots of private fees would get very expensive.

that was supposed to be

I don't think my ils expect to get any grandchildren from their other 3 children. I think their main motivation is fear of our dd being spoilt

well as your dd gets older, they may change their minds, see how nice and unspoilt she is, and want to help her more. It's debatable whether paying for some ballet lessons is spoiling her in the same way as buying her 10 barbie dolls for christmas. Just wait and see I guess.

I'm not trying to resurrect this for more tootle-bashing, honestly, but I've been thinking about it on and off all afternoon.

Tigermoth, it wasn't clear from tootle's original posts that the sums set aside for inheritance were clearly already in place and openly discussed with her IL's. In those circumstances I think it makes sense for her dh to suggest avoiding inheritance tax.

But I don't agree with the law regarding a spouse's right to inherited money. I think all money earned as part of a person's proactive life choices (career/investments/lottery etc) should be up for sharing out as part of their personal wealth, but gifts should be separate. If my children marry twerps I shan't be leaving them anything that might not stay theirs!

sobernoel, finding out my dh could still lay claim to my inheritance surprised me, too. Apparently it did not matter if my parents named him or not in their will. As he was married to me, all my 'wealth' was jointly ours and if we had split, would have been treated as joint assets (as I understand things anyway).

Hope our children and their partners will never expect us to hand over any money just because we have it. Find it very tasteless to even discuss inheritances until the poor people involved have died.....................bit like disregarding the here and now.

My dad never helped me out financially when I was really struggling, and why should he? I chose to leave home at a very young age and have a baby. He was older generation as well. He worked hard and saved hard and had quite a bit put by. He brought myself and my sister up on his own as mum died when I was eight. He would always say there was food in the cupboards if I was hungry and he would never see me go without anything for the baby but wouldn't acutally give me any money. He died over five years ago now and left enough money to my sister and I that we could afford to buy our own houses and also an inheritance for my son when he reaches 21. If he had frittered the money away dishing out here and there at the time there wouldn't have been this amount left and it has really made a difference to our lives. Needless to say I would give back every penny and more if I could have my dad back. What i'm trying to say is I never expected anything from him and I don't think you should expect from your inlaws. It's their money and up to them what they do with it. Why should they have to give any to anyone? Appreciate them and don't think about their money. I have no parents and my mother in law died a couple of years ago so my ds and dd only have one granddad. No amount of money in the world compares to having family around.