Am I unreasonable in expecting my inlaws to be more generous?

[tootle]

My inlaws are stingy people. They have a very warped sense of what spending excessively is. In their eyes anything beyond frugal living is excessive.

My DH are not materialistic people but when we do buy something (say somethimg long lasting like a breadmaker) we buy the best quality we can afford.

I am a SAHM, my dh is a public sector worker and we live in the very expensive South East. We bought our house 2 years ago and missed out buying at the beginning of the boom. If we'd bought 18 months earlier I guess we'd be in a very different position.

30 years ago, my dh's profession was well respected and well-paid in comparison to other jobs, but all things being relative, he's well enough paid that we don't suffer anything near poverty, but we're never going to be the richest people on the block.

But, I don't think my inlaws are intune with relativety. They are obviously proud of their son and his chosen profession. However, they don't seem to realise that, whilst we are still able to buy mobile phones, have a monthly meal out, buy our dd new clothes (as well as nearly new) and have a modest annual holiday, we're actually not very big spenders in comparison to a double waged couple with no kids, or two parents who work in the field of IT (for example)

All we really want out of life is to live in a better area in a slightly bigger house. We don't want 3 foreign holidays a year or a bug 4X4 in the drive or to be able to cloth our dd from miniboden.

My inlaws live in a large house in the most expensive home county. They are just retired. They don't appear to spend much money. They eat food beyond its use-by-date, they buy second hand at the detriment of choice/quality, they hardly ever go on holiday, they don't even spend much money on their lovely house. But, they're from the generation when they struggled. They brought up 4 children in a small house and they didn't have spare cash for holidays and their children didn't have new clothes and toys and blah blah blah.

Dh's 3 siblings are older, single and childless (and will remain that way) so I cannot understand why they won't do more to help us give their only grandchild a better start in life. Why not let us have some of our inheritance now... why are they saving it up in the bank. I wouldn't mind if they actually spent it and enjoyed themselves but I just don't get it.

My children will probably benefit hugely in the future from their grandparents but I think it is better that the money is spent now to provide my daughter with a bigger house and better quality of life than being presented to her as a lumpsum in her teens or 20s when she could do more damage with the money.

If they won't put their hands in their pocket to help us out, I wish they could at least be supportive instead of making sniping remarks about how many clothes my dd has (she does NOT in comparison to thers) how many toys she has, how they coped fine without a baby back carrier. ARGH!

They probably think it is character building to struggle.

Sorry - I just had to vent!

I don't think it is what being married is all about tbh. We have joint finances, but I honestly feel that unless I was named in someone's will, their money should not come to me. Obviously I would hope my dh chose to spend it on his family, but I wouldn't think it was my right.

Also Tootle, sorry but if you're not materialistic they surely the fact that they spend a fiver on their grandchild shouldn't bother you. If they didn't visit him, din't love him and couldn't be bothered with him then I understand you would feel hurt. So what if a present costs a fiver, even if they are incredibly wealthy, it's the thought that counts.

Hunny is right re. spending the money you've saved up: my MIL has savings but looks like she might just spend her retirement staying in her local community and not spending anything! We keep buying her books about travel and REALLY hope that she will visit some relatives across the world and do some travelling now she has the time and money. My own grandmother started travelling and cruising when she was into her 80s. I would try to encourage them to SPEND SPEND SPEND on themselves - happier grandparents can't be a bad thing!

Seriously though, if your ILs have only just retired, they could easily spend all their savings/house money. They could easily have another 30-40 years to live. Respite care is bloody expensive and unless you are prepared to look after them in their old age then you will want to buy them the best care. A lot of older people are spending the money in their property on just that sort of thing.

An extra 10K would make a MASSIVE difference to 99% of people here - it's easy to see potential inheritance as 'easy money' but I think the situation is rarely as black and white as that.

(All IMHO.)

Just trying to give you an alternative perspective. My mother is permanently trying to give us money and I've always HATED it. She talks about selling her house so that we can buy a "decent" one and so I can leave my job. It drives me mad and not only because I love my house. Often when people "give" you money it will come attached with strings. Both dh and I cannot bare my mother to do anything for us and especially give us money as she uses this to make demands on the way we live our lives and raise our children. Would you want this? Think about saying that no you wont be seeing them on christmas day cos you're spending it at home to be told that you're ungrateful and be presented with a written list of all the things they've done for you in the last couple of years. Being given money/time/help can be a double edged sword.

it's their money. I do think you're being unreasonable. It's not yours - they might decide to leave it all to charity. And is the measure of a present its value? They'd probably be heartbroken if they read this

Maybe I should buy them a travel book for Christmas. Believe me, I would much rather they spend the money on themselves.

I do think it's a strange attitude tootle.I don't think anyone should "expect" money from in-laws or their own parents. It's totally up to them what they do with their money and up to us, as adults, to fund our own way through life.

Anything given to DH and me is a bonus, certainly not expected. His parents inherited a substantial amount of money from an old aunt last year and it didn't enter our heads that we would benefit from it, apart from possibly the odd meal out with them. They ended up paying half our mortgage off and we are obviously thrilled to bits to be in this position at our age, but it isn't something we "expected" them to do.

We live in a humble 3 bed and of Terrace. My FIL lives in a massive 4 bed, 2 bath5 reception rooms, kitchen, cellar, huge garden, with a whole other granny house attached, 3 garages. He did well at work and can afford his house. We're not so career driven and haven't got to the top of our fields and can't afford such a big house.

He bought his son soap at Xmas, it's lovley and we're still using it now!

OKAy - I feel like a bitch now. Can you all just leave this. I realise I am being unreasonable and don't need someone else to tell.

I agree, they would be heartbroken if they read this and my new years resolution is to be more tolerant of my inlaws.

Please, no more responses. Start a new thread if you want to call me a bitch too

I only wish my parents would spend money doing nice things for themselves. I do not expect to receive anything from them but they are always generous with my children. What I hate is that they spend their money on things that give them a tiny bit of pleasure initially but really makes no difference to the quality of their lives. They'll spend thousands doing something to their house and then do it all again within a couple of years. My father bought a brand new car a year ago (he's disabled and can only drive short distances and my mother will not drive it) and it has less than 1000 miles on the clock! He even paid for it in cash despite there being a 4 year interest free deal on it!! The irony is that they still buy "saver" foods (not knocking them honestly) and scour the shelves for bargains. This year my mother bought an entire wardrobe of clothes for the Summer - she's just put them all away with the labels on. They haven't visited us in more than 3 years primarily because my father has problems with sitting for any length of time but they could put some of their money to good use by stopping a few times on the journey and staying overnight somewhere (we are only 31/2 hrs on train then about 40 mins in car). They expect us to visit them every school holiday. It's not their money I want more of, it's just their time.

If they give your children their time I think you should count yourself to be very lucky.

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable I'm afraid! It's their money and how they spend it is their business entirely. Their judgemental remarks must be annoying, but in your shoes I would try not to let it worry me - after all, you know that you are relatively frugal with money, sod what they think!

We don't think you're a bitch. :) But can I just whisper that sandyballs is a LUCKY BITCH before I shut the door? ;)

nice New Year resolution tootle!

I don't think anyone thinks you're a bitch tootle! Well I certainly don't X

I always think as well, we earn our money DH and I, we work hard,a nd we deserve the treats what go with it, we also have bills etc... but they're our bills, My parents would help us out if they thought we were strugglling (not being able to buy food etc..) but we don't expect that, besides which, DH would be really annoyed if he thought either side parents we 'giving' us money just beacuse... as we've not earnt it, he's on the idea that it's our life/marriage and we'll do as we sit fit with it.

I do agree about the marriage thing, (all comes from one pot in our house, however I wouldn't moan if DH used more money for himslef than he did for me) obviusly would be a touch upset if it was a lot of money he'd recieved and not even offered to share it. (the 10K region)

I do give money to charity too... so I am not selfish money-grabbing pig. I would also be happy if my inlwas gave their money to charity too. Really.

tootle

I don't disagree that their attitude is a little selfish but if they have had it tough it might be hard for them to be freer with their offspring. That doesn't excuse them for voicing their criticisms although, you may, like me be a little oversensitive to such comments from PILs.

If you need the money then perhaps you should get dh to approach them for a loan ? As to others receiving money from parents as gifts there are limits placed upon it - total 3k pa per parent to any number of individuals, which is exempt from Inheritance tax, tax free to the recipient(s). The allowance can be carried over for one year if unused. For gifts in excess of 3k the giver needs to survive 7 years to avoid any Inheritance Tax liability. Technically any lifetime gifts, within the past 7 years, above the 3k pa, still count towards the value of an Estate at death. So they may well not benefit as much as they believe.

hth

No-one thinks you're a bitch mate, not at all. You asked if we thought you were being unreasonable and you got your answer. If you hadn't asked that very question I wouln't have commented. Certainly don't think you are a bitch or anything like that.

TC x

Sorry, I don't want to seem harsh but I think you are being a bit unreasonable. It may "only" be £10,000 that you want from them (seems a lot to me, to be honest) but it's still their money, that they have worked for, and I can't see why they shouldn't spend it as they wish instead of improving your already comfotable lives. It may irritate you that they choose not to give it to you, but it isn't your money, and therefore really none of your business how they spend it, or how frugally they live their lives. I have told my parents and my mother in law to use their money to live and enjoy their lives rather than to give it to me (either now or as an inheritance); parents aren't only there to provide an inheritance for us.

Like your children, my dd will probably only get something worth £5 from my mil, but she will still get as much pleasure from it as she would if it had cost £50 because it came from the Nanny who loves her and who will have taken time and care to chose a gift for her. I do hope that your in-laws never see this, as I would find it really hurtful if someone were talking about me in this way, as if I were just there to provide for grown-up children who are quite capable of making their own living.

I do think that you are right to be cross about their sniping, but that is a separate issue.

Sorry, posted before your last message came up. I don't think you're a bitch, either, and no-one here would dream of starting up a new thread to call you one.

Well, this post has given me a reality check!

We have had a tough year and it is easy to latch onto something insignificant which you believe might make your life better. I will tell my dh that we have to change our way of thinking and start just appreciating his parents for being his parents.

I'll still roll my eyes at their comments though but I guess that is what makes families interesting - different generational viewpoints.

Hmmm, I feel like I have just been in therapy.

My other new years resoultion is to get some poorer friends

tootle,

I don't think your a bitch and tbh I don't really think you're being that unreasonable either, although possibly getting the money for a bigger house in the form of a loan might be more reasonable than expecting it as a gift.
I think part of the problems is generational - my father, who is not rich but relatively comfortably off is incredibly mean about things like phone calls and is alsays going on about how many grandchildren he has to buy Xmas presents for. I also don't think they realise just how expensive certain things, e.g. mortages and childcare are nowadays compared to when they were younger. My parents think that dh and I are loaded and on the face of it we get good salaries but they don't realise we also have a heft morgage and almost £800 in childcare to pay every month.
Also, it's difficult when you see other people getting generous gifts from their parents - my brother and sil have been given a car by her parents who also pay for their holiday abroad every year and also provide free childcare and lots of clothes for their dds. On the one hand, I'm glad for them, but sometimes, on a bad day, I feel pretty green with envy - I can remember when dd1 started school and dh was unemployed and lots of my friends parents were kitting their grandchildren out in their school uniforms while we had to go into debt to buy dd hers.
Finally, while I can (sort of) understand people who've had to scrimp and save carrying on in the same way, I really, really hope that I'm the opposite when I've got money. Personally, I'm looking forward to the day when I'm not permenantly skint and can spend, spend, spend :)

tootle!

Oh yes Tootle, poorer friends, like friends who have more untidy houses than you, are always good for making you feel better about yourself.

Okay - just to clarify - me, my dh and sils tell my inlaws to spend thier money on themselves all the time. They won't. Not a penny. They have earmarked money for all our inheritances, so it is a given that it will sit in the bank, for us, until they die. That bit I am not assuming or guessing.