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Original poster

Upset over dp

49 replies

upsetmother · 05/12/2004 16:01

Know I should put this in relationships but dp lurks there sometimes. He has really upset me, and I feel like crying. He has more or less said that he think I'm ashamed of him, and that I never seem interested or enthusastic over anything that doesnt involve me, and that I dont seem to care when I'm with him. Even his mum thinks that. I'm just so upset, not so much with him, but with myself. My GP's counsellor contacted me last week, and I didn't think I'd need to see her, but think I should go now. I am just so upset and trying not to cry. I just feel so low, empty and lost. Sad

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jingleballs · 05/12/2004 20:41

take him a nice cup of tea, and then ask about his day etc... talk about completely unrelated things for a while, so at least the ice is broken.

OLittleYurtofBethlehem · 05/12/2004 21:04

Oh dear - now i have had a chance to read your thread and im not sure if what i have to say is useful but in addition to what everybody else has said two things really stand out

1 why does dp feel it is okay to invade your privacy and read what you say on MN?
2 Why is he able to talk about things to his mother when IMHO he should really talk to you first?

both these htings to me point to low esteem issues in him - maybe a lot of this is a problem he ahs with himself - but it is maybe being projected onto you?

HTH - got to go as i promised dh he could come on the computer at 9 - and dd is still screaming - has been on and off since 3pm :(

Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 21:21

Thanks to everyone for their posts. Dp only lurks if I'm with him, he just likes to see what Mumsnet is all about. And like I said I'm not too sure what was said between him and his mum. I don't know if it was something she just said to him, or if he said something and she agree with it. I now don't feel like talking to him. I've been running things through my head, and although I can understand him being upset if he does think those things, but when we do argue, he never takes into consideration my feelings. I always think before I say anything, and determine in my mind how he would react to what I would say and then decide whether to say it or not. Like earlier, I kept thinking of things to say/ask but I stopped myself. I don't even know what he's doing at the moment, and I don't think he even cares what I'm doing or how I'm feeling. Well maybe he does, but is too stubborn to show it. I want to get past this, but I'm upset with what he has told me, and other things he has said like to not wreck what we've got even more than it already is. It's as if he doesn't want to sort it out so we can move on to be happy, he just wants to move on because he has to. Oh I don't know anymore Sad

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jingleballs · 05/12/2004 21:24

is he controlling? and dominant?

Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 21:27

No, he's not like that at all

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FeastofStevenmom · 05/12/2004 21:30

i think cut his mum out of the equation for now. but think of what would make you happy, and spell it out to DP - to make a sweeping generalisation, men like to "fix" thing and aren't so good at the nurturing side - i.e. they don't get that what you want is a hug, not a practical solution. the other way of improving things for the moment would be to show DP some affection; if he feels better about himself, he's likely to be nicer to you too. I know if you feel down/badly done by it sucks to feel you have to make all the effort; but someone has to break the cycle of feeling neglected, misunderstood etc.

sorry if this sounds a bit airyfairy/unhelpful

Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 21:32

Thanks, I guess I should do, although it's always me that makes the first move. I'm still upset over it all, but I don't want to talk about it as I don't want to bring all the upset back.

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Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 22:10

I just went and saw him. Told him that I do love him, and he said that he loves me too but called me by my surname, which I think is just a slap around the face. He only calls me by my surname if he is being sarcastic or whilst we're arguing. I don't know what else to do now, and just wishing he'd say something to me. Back to square 1 now.

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Poo2 · 05/12/2004 22:13

So sorry to read all of this upsetmother. Agree that you MIL shoudln't really be part of the equation. BUT, if you are getting nowhere with dp, but he speaks to his mother, might be an idea to talk to her about it? It seems like she might be nice, and if she can tell you a bit more about what dp is thinking, it might help?

Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 22:20

I think it would just make things worse if I spoke to her. She is nice, but I know it would make things worse as dp would think of it as me trying to sway her on my side or something stupid and childish like that. I know it would just make things worse and I don't know what I can do now. I am so afraid it's going to get worse these next few days and I have no idea how I can prevent it. If we did get to a point tonight where we're talking and hugging etc by the end of the night, I will still be thinking but what about everything he has said, and everything that he thinks of me at the moment. It will eat me up and then there will come a time when I will have to find out if he still thinks that. Sorry if it sounds over dramatic but I know what I'm like.

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Poo2 · 05/12/2004 22:21

Best avoided then. How about Relate, or asking a mutual friend to mediate?

Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 22:25

Dp hates counselling. I know he'll get upset when I tell him that I've decided to see one. And I know he wouldn't want any of his friends knowing our problems, and I don't really have any friends

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Poo2 · 05/12/2004 22:27

What?! You've got all us MN'ers! Just because we are virtual, doesn't mean we aren't real! [sings you'll never walk alone in cracked voice due to nasty chest cold] Smile

FeastofStevenmom · 05/12/2004 22:28

do you get any chance to go out/meet other mums etc? sounds like you are a bit caught up in DP/his world, and like you and DP could do with a bit of a break to appreciate each other more. do you have a supportive mum/family?

carolHELSInger · 05/12/2004 22:30

Oh dera - I send you all my love and thoughts sweetheart. I can sympathise with you as you sound exectly like I did 6 months ago. Dr put me on an anti depressant - which has worked wonders. I will be on mine for at least a year. I also was referred to the GP counsellor and I found her a great help. Started talking about all sorts of things - don't know where they came from. She taught me different ways of thiniing round things and it took a few sesisons but I can honestly say I feel so much like the old me -who I had actually forgotten.
PLease take the help - I'm thinking of you.

Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 22:31

I see my mum now and again. I don't have many people who are supportive of me tbh.

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carolHELSInger · 05/12/2004 22:35

Hope you saw my post above a few minutes ago it seems we may have cross-posted!!!. Please try the counsellor - its nothing weird tell him it is someone who is trained in being able to help you and is unattached from you emotionally.

Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 22:38

Thank you carol. I will try the counsellor.

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jingleballs · 05/12/2004 22:39

takes a bigger man to admit help than one who doesn't and it's not a sign of weakness either, infact the opposite (ive been as well)

carolHELSInger · 05/12/2004 22:40

I', actaully Helsi but my Xmas name is Carol helsinger (carol singer) - get it (oh never mind) I'm not as creative as some!! Will try harder next year. You can call me carol if you like.
Contact me direct if you want to ask anything - you sound so much like me.

Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 22:44

Sorry Helsi. Thanks. Dp has just come in, and said he wants to go and sit with him as he wants to hold me. I suppose thats a step forward. Will see if he has anything to say, fingers crossed. Thank you for all of your posts and will let you know in the morning how it goes.

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carolHELSInger · 05/12/2004 22:47

awwww-sweet. Yes please keep us informed. Enjoy your evening....

Original poster
upsetmother · 06/12/2004 11:20

Not a lot has changed. Dp just wanted to hold me last night, and soon fell asleep. I still feel so bad, and lost by everything that has been said. He wants me to just forget everything he has said and carry on like normal. But how I am normally is what has got us into this mess, and now I don't know how to act around him or what to say. I'm too afraid to do anything in case it upsets him again and we start arguing again.

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Original poster
upsetmother · 06/12/2004 23:30

I feel like shit still. I haven't spoken to dp much today, but when I have, it's been short. Dp went to the cinema with MIL to see Bridget Jones, and he said it made him remember how much he loves me. I thought maybe this evening we might be getting back to how we are normally. I told him I love him, and he told me he loves me. Later on, I said that I love him again, and then he said I shouldn't as today he has been full of hate, but hasn't said anything as he doesn't want to make things worse. Now I feel even worse. He is now avoiding me, and not saying. I just had to have a quick rant and a quick cry without him around, and will now try to see if I can find out what else I've done now Sad

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